Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Expert Baseball Analysis From A Baseball Expert

I would totally watch Bo nail Jennie Finch.
The All Star Game was last night. I'm just going to assume that it was uneventful. After seeing the Kansas City faithful treat the ELITE Robinson Cano like garbage on Monday night, I hope that they all got beaten into comas by a roving pack of Dodgers fans on the way to their cars. Sonsabitches. Listen, you meaningless and dickless pig fuckers, I am 31 years old and you have NEVER been relevant to me.  Billy Butler is a shitty player that deserves nothing.  I hope that Kansas City gets nuked.

Anyway, in response to Iceman's big FUCK YOU to Brady yesterday, I'm about to turn the tide with "Brady Day" here and talk nothing but baseball. In fact, I've even lined up an interview with an expert to help break down the second half! You may be familiar with his work because he is me. GMoney interviewing G$! THIS TIME IT COUNTS!

GMoney: Be honest, on a scale of Verlander (1) to Bartolo Colon (a million), how pumped are you for tonight's season premiere on Showtime of "The Franchise: A Season With The Miami Marlins"?
G$: A Million Bartolos. This is a brilliant series that even made a pretty boring team like the Giants exciting when they did it last year. Now that I can follow Ozzie Guillen through a horrible season featuring nightly awful Heath Bell appearances, Fidel Castro fallout, and ten million F-bombs, sign me the fuck up.

GMoney: You buying the Pirates?
G$: I did last year and they broke my Goddamn heart. So, as a punishment, I am not buying the Buccos. It is a hell of a story but you can only count on AJ Burnett and Eric Bedard and Jason fucking Grilli for so long until they shit all over themselves. Still though, for Pittsburgh to be ten games over and in first place at the break is tremendous.

GMoney: Tony LaRussa is a fucking idiot, right?
G$: He's been out of the game for less than a year yet he lost all common sense during that time frame. Look, I'm not one of those chaches that goes over the all-star rosters with a fine-toothed comb looking for nits to pick, but you can't fucking tell me that there are ten better pitchers in all of MLB than Johnny "Chimpo" Cueto. I won't believe it. For fuck's sake, give your grudge a rest. And why the fuck are their TWO goddamn Cubs in that game! That's ONE less than what the Yankees (owner of the best record in baseball) sent. And don't give me that shit about Cain starting because his catcher is, too. You start fucking RA Dickey, you cunt. Posey is a big boy. He can handle some pitch movement. Tony LaRussa should stick with what he knows best--driving drunk.

GMoney: How would you handle the issue of Stephen Strasburg and his innings limit?
G$: This is, without question, the toughest organizational decision that I can remember in ANY sport. It seems easy to say, "fuck it, we're going for it" but then why have any plan for the franchise? I honestly think that if it were my call, I stick with the limit and pull the plug on Strasmas in September. Damn, that's a tough call but I think that I would rather have this stud for another decade than risk burning him out now. I get the whole YOLO craze and all, but I don't really think that this Nats team can win it all this year anyway.  Or maybe just put him on the DL for a month with something stupid like bi-lateral leg weakness and then everyone wins.

GMoney: Which underachieving team is going to come back and win their division and which overachiever is going to fail miserably?
G$: It's going to be the Tigers even though they have been a disgrace to big budget baseball throughout the first half of the year. They are finally over .500 again (yeah, congrats!) and I expect them to overtake the White Sox in late August. The Dodgers are going to end up 8 games out of first.

GMoney: Any yet-to-be-seen rookies coming up soon that are giving you an erection?
G$: Dylan Bundy for Baltimore seems to be all the rage and has drawn some Strasburg comparisons from people that follow this stuff closely. Seeing who the O's are starting these days, he should be up soon.

GMoney: Did you see Tim McCarver laugh at a cancer charity during Saturday's Yankees/Red Sox game? This guy is the devil, right?
G$: I did and it pissed me the fuck off. The story is that the Red Sox cut horrible OF Darnell McDonald last week and the Yankees picked him up. He was on the NY roster for the series against his old team. The Yankees are a classy bunch and they don't allow long hair (or Mattingly's Sideburns) so McDonald had to cut his long dreads off to stay a major leaguer (an easy decision). McCarver was joking about what he would do with a bag of long hair and Buck replied that he could donate it to Locks of Love (a charity that provides wigs for cancer patients). McCarver thought that this was the funniest thing ever because he is an asshole that shits on cancer patients. I hope that McCarver gets beheaded.

GMoney: Who is one big name that you can see being dealt before the deadline?
G$: I'm gonna say it--David Ortiz. I could see him going to Anaheim or Texas. He isn't going to stay in Boston anyway and the Red Sox are going to be playing for nothing come September. They might as well sell him high and get something in return. The bridge between Papi and the team were burned a long time ago.

GMoney: Is Andruw Jones the new Matt Stairs?
G$: After last weekend's 4 dong series at Fenway, I would have to say "yes". I'm really starting to take a shine to Andruw. I don't believe that he has ever hit a cheap home run. Every time he goes yard, the ball travels at least 450 feet.  Nothing beats a "no doubter".

GMoney: Finally, before the season you picked the Yankees to beat the Marlins in the World Series. Are you standing by that?
G$: I suppose that I'll stand by this pick. John Calipari has already guaranteed a Yankees championship anyway. And Joba is coming back soon as long as his leg doesn't try to fly off of his body during a harmless activity again. After being treated like shit by the Royals and their inbred fans this week, I expect Cano to fucking rake the rest of the way on his way to an MVP.  I'll stick with Miami, too, just because I'm not really impressed by anyone in the NL anyway.

Big ups to the best looking guy that I know for taking a few minutes to talk baseball with us today. Hmmmm, how can it be Brady Day with no mention of the Indians. Eh, whatevs, fuck that guy.

40 comments:

Grumpy said...

LaRussa is a douche. Why is he even managing? He's out of baseball.

Anonymous said...

G$....What do you think of the rumors that Justin Verlander is dating Kate Upton?

--Drew

Anonymous said...

As a long time non-give-a-shitter when it comes to baseball, I only have these fleeting thoughts.

Anne Franks Ashes is done for the year. Call me the Cleveland Indians of fantasy baseball. (Have at it, Brady)

Tim McCarver chortling at Locks of Love is ELITE since cancer is hilarious and any cancer patient that wants black people dreads should just succumb to the disease anyhow.

I actively cheer for more elbow problems for Strasburg because A) G$ plays him abd B) His facial hair jest screams white trash to me. Its not 1994, get rid of the goatee.

Ide

MUDawgfan said...

Real talk: Kansas City has the absolute best BBQ I've ever had in my life. I would drive 150 miles out of my way to eat at Fiorella’s Jack Stack BBQ or Arthur Bryant's BBQ.

It's the absolute savior or that entire region.

Mr. Ace said...

JV dating Upton might explain his poor performance last night. Expect a lot of fatigue in the second half, Tigers fans.

White Sox will not relinquish the lead in the Central.

http://network.yardbarker.com/author/article_external/11192683?widget=true

GMoney said...

Verlander being TERRIBLE last night (actually, he isn't ELITE in many big games now that I think about it) can only be the result of one thing:
He spends too much time on his Dut trademarked groomed stubble.

Is he cousins with Upton because that would be the only reason that they are dating?

Ide is the Tim McCarver of this site.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, your reigning AL MVP isn't ELITE in many big games. RIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT. He's just on pace for back to back Cy Young's...NBD.

Upton's probably interested because she's taking notes from Gisele and wants to date the best player at his specific position in the world.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Upton must be a huge Taco Bell fan. That's all I could come up with. Or maybe Joe Dirt is her favorite movie and she's trying to mirror her own life to that film.

I saw a vehicle on my way to work today that had a Tigers sticker and Steelers sticker in the back window. I was almost certain the trailer hitch would have pink rubber nuts hanging from it but unfortunately they were absent. G$...is the Tigers/Steelers affiliation the biggest combo of white trash fan in the history or sports? Does this person show up to weddings in their "dressy" wife beater?

GMoney said...

is the Tigers/Steelers affiliation the biggest combo of white trash fan in the history or sports? Does this person show up to weddings in their "dressy" wife beater?

Yes. Yes it is. Congratulations, you just stumbled upon the worst person in the world. That person only goes to weddings of the shotgun variety but is almost always never invited to such a gathering anyway.

It's cool, Drew, keep defending that loser and his Dut beard who was fucking garbage last night and extremely average in the postseason.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ that anybody cares how anyone does in the fucking all-star game. Also, Verlander was 2-1 in the post-season last year and had one of his starts against NY only go one inning due to the rain. You probably don't remember that because you were too busy making sure you didn't miss any of The Office that night tho.

MVP MVP MVP

--Drew

GMoney said...

Wins? HA! Next you're going to start bragging about other meaningless stats like RBI! Get with the times, old man.

Verlander is as ringless as you are dickless and both of you will always stay that way. Count it.

When the "best" pitcher gets lit up like a goddamn gas can, people are going to remember that. Melky owns his trash ass.

GMoney said...

Don't worry, I just did the dirty work for your dumbass so I can calmly win this little kerfuffle:

Verlander's playoff resume:
3-3 record with a 5.57 ERA and has never had a sub 5.00 start. Christ, we might want to start calling him LeBron--shit, that analogy worked much better three weeks ago.

Prime99 said...

Kate Upton should watch out, the amount of Mountain Dew she would consume in the Verlander household would not agree with her figure. It is the only liquid Verlander allows under his roof.

Get used to two or more Cubs going to the ASG- Castro and Rizzo will be regulars for the next five years.

Grumpy said...

"s the Tigers/Steelers affiliation the biggest combo of white trash fan in the history or sports? Does this person show up to weddings in their "dressy" wife beater?"

I need a Tigers sticker, quick.

Anonymous said...

No. You live in Cincinnati. Your trash pedigree is without peer.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Oh fuck that - we all know damn well if Verlander comes out and pitches 3 scoreless innings with multiple strikeouts Drew and other Tigers fans would have been balls deep on here bragging about how good he is. Dont give me this "LOLZ that anybody cares how anyone does in the fucking all-star game" bullshit. The guy got fucking rocked on the big stage last night.

Seal

Seal

Anonymous said...

Yeah, because starting pitchers usually pitch 3 innings in the ASG....you fucking moron. LOLZ at the ASG being a "big stage". No wonder you get your panties in a bunch about who makes the team and who doesn't. You must be Bud Selig's favorite fan..."THE GAME COUNTS!".

If by calling Verlander "LeBron" you mean he's the best in the game....yeah...agreed.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Youre so quick to dismiss or make an excuse for your team/player doing shitty - suck it up and admit that Verlander looked like complete shit and comes up short in big situations as G$'s stats prove.

Seal

GMoney said...

I get being a fan and all but why continue to be wrong? That makes no sense. Seal is right. Admit that "Dut Face" was complete shit and the sole reason why the AL got beat last night move on already.

Uh, yes, the ASG is the big stage. It will do better ratings than most playoff games will. It draws millions of casual fans that now only know Dut Face as the worst pitcher ever (which is accurate).

Colin Cowherd said...

2011 World Series: 10.0 rating averaging 16.6 million viewers
2011 All Star Game: 7.3 rating averaging 11 million viewers

Definitely a big stage. Face it, Justin Verlander choked again with all eyes on him. He is most definitely not TRANSCENDENT. Did he grow up without a dad because that would explain his lack of leadership.

Tony Romo said...

Comparing Justin to LeBron is not fair. You should be comparing him to me.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of faggots (Dut, Romo, Verlander), if I have time today (I actually have work to do today) I will tell a horrible but retrospectively hilarious story about my morning. Suffice it to say, it involves minorities and fags and horror.

Ide

GMoney said...

Hopefully you can joke about cancer again because that is always a hilarious topic.

For future reference, lupus/AIDS/sickle cell = always funny; cancer = not so much

The Iceman said...

So it's not just me...Seal is a huge anal wart to anyone who doesn't agree with his opinions. Noted...

Nice that Cowturd showed up with his pointless ratings stat that he bases almost every argument on. "MLS scored a 12.1 on the ratings last night!! That means America loves soccer. Because of the ratings I just showed you!!"

I'm listening Ide.......

Anonymous said...

Seal....G$ has proven nothing. Verlander had one of the GOAT seasons last year. There were plenty of big stages that he won on. You wouldn't know about that tho cuz' you are a LOLZ lowly Tribe fan. I never said taht he didn't pitch poorly in his ONE inning. I said that the game is meaningless (FACT) and nobody except morons like you that actually are who makes that game give a shit. It's more important how he does against the AA Twins than his max 2IP ASG performance.

It's funny just how jelly you and G$ are that your teams don't employ the best pitcher in the world.

--Drew

Justin Verlander said...

Has anyone seen my raccoon skin hat or my Lynyrd Skynyrd Freebird t-shirt? I swear I left them by that pile of empty Busch cans.

Brady said...

Awesome interview with yourself! I regret not being able to comment more today. Especially on Brady day.

GMoney said...

I'm not jealous of the Tigers. Now that is funny. I like having teeth and not needing food stamps.

Trends are trends for a reason. The fact remains that when the lights are brighter, he is way worse. I don't want that on my team. I want guys that can win in October, not against the AA Twins.

Christ, I have just straight PWNED your ass today. And please don't imply that I watched more than 3 innings of the ASG last night. I can tell you exactly what I watched:

Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge was on at 11 on Showtime last night. Evan Stone's performance was simply brilliant. I give this movie (even the softcore version) 8 penises up.

Anonymous said...

Ok here goes from my cell phone, so fuck ups abound.

I have been going to the gym everyday for the past 2 months. I eat meat so Im not gay like Ace and I've lost 20 pounds and look like a sexual tyrannosaurus now. So much so that I spent the night at aome broads house last night. This forced me to go to another gym branch nearby today.

Great workout ensued and it was time to get ready. Now 3 lockers over from me was some jacked black guy stripping down to shower. No big deal (hmm perhaps bad choice of words) and he walks by me. I back up to let him pass and his hand grazes my junk. Fluke. Random mistake I tell myself.

So I go down to the showers about 5 minutes later and he is at a sink doing something. He is black so I am already weary, so I put my toiletry bag at another sink and head into the shower. At the same time he goes to one 3 stalls down. Now the shower stalls are marble with an opaque glass door. You cant see out but you can see things. As I am taking a shower i notice the black guy walk by. Thats odd there is NO reason to walk by my shower. He does it again. And again. I take a 15 minute shower hoping to wait out my would be predator. I could wait no longer, I was going to be late to work.

Now, before I continue, this is what was swimming through my head. This Vin Diesel looking black guy is gay and wants to fuck me (who doesnt?). I know this and I am going to have to deal with this. But I DONT WANT TO. So when avoiding someone I always stare at the ground and walk by. How else would you do this? Well, I fucked this up.

I walked out of the shower eyes down. Right where he wanted them. You see, all that pacing and thinking about me (presumably) worked him into an excited frenzy. Dude was swinging wrenches. I had an eyeful of 10+ inches of black fag swinging like a vine. It was traumatic. I still had to brush my teeth. This was done so fast and furious that I was spitting blood. He was standing RIGHT BEHIND ME while this was happening. I pulled a spin move that would make Bo Jackson blush and his hip ache and ran up stairs. But shit, his locker was 3 down. Luckily, he was embarrassed and got dressed and sprinted out in record time.

I wondered what gay guys did in locker rooms with all those men walking about, but I never thought Id tun into that. I could only imagine how Id handle being in the womens locker room. Needless to say Ill take the day off before I go back to that branch.

Thats how I started my day.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Yeah, you want guys like Sabathia amirite? Career 4.81ERA in the postseason....LOLZ! You can't PWN anything when you are trying to equate an ASG with the post-season. You Just PWN yourself BRAH!

You should have let him suck your dick Ide.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Was his name Nasty Nate, Ide? Maybe he just wanted your cocktail...FRUIT!!

Prime99 said...

Ide, you're a man- NOT A FISH! You walk on two legs!

GMoney said...

I said nothing about CC (who has a ring and better playoff numbers--that you graciously offered up--than ya boy but whatevs). You're a pretty ugly person when you're stubborn and wrong. Stick with what you know which is, I assume, nothing.

Ide stares at black dick. That's the only thing that I got out of that story. He lost some weight simply for the opportunity to see more of them. He even brushes his teeth with black dick which seems counterproductive.

Back to the post, if Strasburg is on a strict innings limit then why the hell did they allow him to pitch last night in an exhibition???

The Iceman said...

Here's a better question, G$: If Matt Kemp is on the DL, why the fuck is in the HR Derby? Baseball is fuckin weird, man.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Iceman on this one, and meant to say something... it makes no fucking sense to me that kemp participated in the Derby while on the DL and obviously being the most valuable person on his team.

Seal

GMoney said...

What else would you expect from a team whose new ownership spent 2 billion dollars on something that they could have got for 60% less???

The Iceman said...

Magic probably makes everyone drink a shot of his AIDS blood...

Anonymous said...

Speaking of that AiDS blood, who the fuck does Kobe think he is saying '12 could beat the dream team? What a fucking idiot.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Dwight Howard to Brooklyn has officially fallen through. They will sign Lopez and just move on with him. Suck it Dwight you big fag.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Brook Lopez is signing a max contract. He is a center that averages about 4 rebounds a game. Jesus Christ.