|I would totally watch Bo nail Jennie Finch.|
Anyway, in response to Iceman's big FUCK YOU to Brady yesterday, I'm about to turn the tide with "Brady Day" here and talk nothing but baseball. In fact, I've even lined up an interview with an expert to help break down the second half! You may be familiar with his work because he is me. GMoney interviewing G$! THIS TIME IT COUNTS!
GMoney: Be honest, on a scale of Verlander (1) to Bartolo Colon (a million), how pumped are you for tonight's season premiere on Showtime of "The Franchise: A Season With The Miami Marlins"?
G$: A Million Bartolos. This is a brilliant series that even made a pretty boring team like the Giants exciting when they did it last year. Now that I can follow Ozzie Guillen through a horrible season featuring nightly awful Heath Bell appearances, Fidel Castro fallout, and ten million F-bombs, sign me the fuck up.
GMoney: You buying the Pirates?
G$: I did last year and they broke my Goddamn heart. So, as a punishment, I am not buying the Buccos. It is a hell of a story but you can only count on AJ Burnett and Eric Bedard and Jason fucking Grilli for so long until they shit all over themselves. Still though, for Pittsburgh to be ten games over and in first place at the break is tremendous.
GMoney: Tony LaRussa is a fucking idiot, right?
G$: He's been out of the game for less than a year yet he lost all common sense during that time frame. Look, I'm not one of those chaches that goes over the all-star rosters with a fine-toothed comb looking for nits to pick, but you can't fucking tell me that there are ten better pitchers in all of MLB than Johnny "Chimpo" Cueto. I won't believe it. For fuck's sake, give your grudge a rest. And why the fuck are their TWO goddamn Cubs in that game! That's ONE less than what the Yankees (owner of the best record in baseball) sent. And don't give me that shit about Cain starting because his catcher is, too. You start fucking RA Dickey, you cunt. Posey is a big boy. He can handle some pitch movement. Tony LaRussa should stick with what he knows best--driving drunk.
GMoney: How would you handle the issue of Stephen Strasburg and his innings limit?
G$: This is, without question, the toughest organizational decision that I can remember in ANY sport. It seems easy to say, "fuck it, we're going for it" but then why have any plan for the franchise? I honestly think that if it were my call, I stick with the limit and pull the plug on Strasmas in September. Damn, that's a tough call but I think that I would rather have this stud for another decade than risk burning him out now. I get the whole YOLO craze and all, but I don't really think that this Nats team can win it all this year anyway. Or maybe just put him on the DL for a month with something stupid like bi-lateral leg weakness and then everyone wins.
GMoney: Which underachieving team is going to come back and win their division and which overachiever is going to fail miserably?
G$: It's going to be the Tigers even though they have been a disgrace to big budget baseball throughout the first half of the year. They are finally over .500 again (yeah, congrats!) and I expect them to overtake the White Sox in late August. The Dodgers are going to end up 8 games out of first.
GMoney: Any yet-to-be-seen rookies coming up soon that are giving you an erection?
G$: Dylan Bundy for Baltimore seems to be all the rage and has drawn some Strasburg comparisons from people that follow this stuff closely. Seeing who the O's are starting these days, he should be up soon.
GMoney: Did you see Tim McCarver laugh at a cancer charity during Saturday's Yankees/Red Sox game? This guy is the devil, right?
G$: I did and it pissed me the fuck off. The story is that the Red Sox cut horrible OF Darnell McDonald last week and the Yankees picked him up. He was on the NY roster for the series against his old team. The Yankees are a classy bunch and they don't allow long hair (or Mattingly's Sideburns) so McDonald had to cut his long dreads off to stay a major leaguer (an easy decision). McCarver was joking about what he would do with a bag of long hair and Buck replied that he could donate it to Locks of Love (a charity that provides wigs for cancer patients). McCarver thought that this was the funniest thing ever because he is an asshole that shits on cancer patients. I hope that McCarver gets beheaded.
GMoney: Who is one big name that you can see being dealt before the deadline?
G$: I'm gonna say it--David Ortiz. I could see him going to Anaheim or Texas. He isn't going to stay in Boston anyway and the Red Sox are going to be playing for nothing come September. They might as well sell him high and get something in return. The bridge between Papi and the team were burned a long time ago.
GMoney: Is Andruw Jones the new Matt Stairs?
G$: After last weekend's 4 dong series at Fenway, I would have to say "yes". I'm really starting to take a shine to Andruw. I don't believe that he has ever hit a cheap home run. Every time he goes yard, the ball travels at least 450 feet. Nothing beats a "no doubter".
GMoney: Finally, before the season you picked the Yankees to beat the Marlins in the World Series. Are you standing by that?
G$: I suppose that I'll stand by this pick. John Calipari has already guaranteed a Yankees championship anyway. And Joba is coming back soon as long as his leg doesn't try to fly off of his body during a harmless activity again. After being treated like shit by the Royals and their inbred fans this week, I expect Cano to fucking rake the rest of the way on his way to an MVP. I'll stick with Miami, too, just because I'm not really impressed by anyone in the NL anyway.
Big ups to the best looking guy that I know for taking a few minutes to talk baseball with us today. Hmmmm, how can it be Brady Day with no mention of the Indians. Eh, whatevs, fuck that guy.