Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Before I get started, there's something I want to get off my chest. I've been known to watch an obscene amount of TV from time to time and there's something that's really starting to bother me on a completely irrational level. Commercials. Now, commercials are fucking stupid as fuck to begin with and for the most part. But there are some commercials that just put me in the fuckin red every time they come on. The most recent is a Taco Bell commercial debuting the Cantina Bowl something or other. They should call it the liquid shit bowl because A) it looks like filthy diarrhea and B) consuming this pile of hog slop earns you a 60 minute time out on the John. Oh! And I love how they have some professional cook/whore faced cunt preparing this Verlander special on TV all while trying to make the public believe it's some high class form of fast food. Fuck you. Here's the reality. It'll make your man tits balloon to a hefty B-cup, it's actually prepared by a high school drop out father of 3 and it's made with ingredients found at the bottom of the dumpster that are also soaked in raccoon piss. Stop trying to church up your food Taco Bell! We know it's fuckin garbage and that's why we only eat it when we're hammered! It's because we don't give a fuck what we do to our bodies after a certain state of intoxication. It's why Damman is always waking up next to a girl who could play left guard for the Buckeyes. Moving on.
Michael Jordan is a fucking asshole. Listen...I'm not gonna get all Colon T. Cowturd on you here and say that the 2012 Olympic team is better than the 1992 Dream Team. But I'm actually going to side with Kobe on this one and say the statement that he made isn't wrong. This year's team could beat the '92 squad. Why is that such a hilarious and ridiculous concept? I've been listening to people completely over react to this for the past two or three days and I'm curious to what you all think. My personal opinion is that it's closer than Jordan's "no comparison" statement suggests. Here's why:
One of the arguments being thrown out is what would the '12 team do about the '92 bigs? My answer would be: Ummmm, fucking guard them?? There were two 7 footers on the `92 team and there's one on this year's squad. Ewing and Robinson were no bigger than Chandler right now. He could easily guard either. If the `92 team puts both Ewing and Robinson on the floor, throw Kevin Love out there who's big enough to bang with a 7 footer and who is also a 3 point shooter. Now you just turned shit in your favor since neither Robinson or Ewing can guard a big who can also play the perimeter. Boom. Problem solved.
Maybe Jordan is too busy smoking cigars he's pleasured his own butthole with, but has he so quickly forgotten how fucking terrible the international teams were in 1992? Who was the best Euro player back then? Drazen Petrovic? He couldn't even succeed at staying alive past his twenties. Like he's going to be a threat to anyone on the court. There's a reason the `92 team caved in everyone's taint. Because there was no fucking competition. The international talent today is monumentally better than in 1992 and that's why USA isn't doubling teams up anymore.
The Dream Team had 4 white guys. That right there should tell you something. Don't get me wrong...white power and all that KKK stuff that Ide loves, but those creamy milkers would not be able to keep up with the buckets of athleticism on this year's team. Unless they planned on playing "old white guy at the rec" defense. Those of you who play pick up ball know exactly what I mean. For those of you who don't, it's real simple. OWGATR defense is when you're being guarded by an older white fella who thinks he still has it but clearly doesn't. After the realization hits that he can't keep up, he simply tries to level the playing field by grabbing your t-shirt/shorts as you blow by him. Or, he will set a moving screen while hooking your arm. It's cheating like a motherfucker and it's totally fucking gay. I usually respond by lowering a shoulder and plowing right through that fucker's chest plate. But I'm getting away from myself. The quickness and athleticism on the 2012 team is insane. And they were smart enough to only have one white dude.
Stuff the Hall of Fame nonsense up your big brown turd hole, Jordan. You mean to tell me that this 2012 team won't have just as many HOF guys as the '92 team? That comment was almost as tardo as following Brady on Twitter........almost. Shit, even Andre Iguofiftyshots has a chance to accidentally be inducted if he keeps hoisting shot attempts at a pace that would make Vince Carter blush. Go back to shit you;re good at...fathering terrible basketball players, growing Hitler staches and banging Mexican cleaning ladies...or whoever it was that you got caught raw dogging while married. I really want to believe it really was a Mexican cleaning lady so that's what I'm sticking with.
Let me just say again. By no means do I think this year's team is better than the '92 team. But I do think it's close. A lot closer than dick chuggers like Mike Greenburg do. And I can't say this enough...Michael Jordan is a fucking fuck face. I love the fact that his ego won't let him to see how terrible of an owner he is. My only wish is that he ends up hated by everyone and bankrupt. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so.