Monday, July 30, 2012

Cutting The Fat From The Big Four Sports

Pictured: Rex Ryan's weight loss procedure
At some point last week, someone (for whatever reason) asked White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf about contraction.  It really doesn't make sense why anyone would ask this guy about that but it happened so whatever.  Reinsdorf said that he is in full support of eliminating a few teams from baseball.  I can see why he would think that as it would improve the overall play in every sport, but I'm against the idea.  As I cliche-d last week, the world needs ditch diggers, too.  But for the sake of a blog post (and I'm stealing this topic from The Common Man and Torg), let's say that I am allowed to eliminate two teams from each of the big four sports.  Who am I evicting and sending to the Jury House?

Before I start cutting the fat, I have to consider a few things (and on field performance is not one of them):
*Did they just build a new stadium?
*Do the fans show up?
*Are they in the process of building a new stadium (new stadiums provide security)?
*Did it ever make sense to put a team there?
*And finally, why the fuck would they ever put a team there?

We'll start first with the NHL because if I end with them, you'll just gloss through it.  By the way, even though they should be involved in any discussion like this, I am not destroying the Blue Jackets.  Consider it a pity fuck.  Plus, based on the asterisks above, there are a few teams more deserving of the ax.
1. NY Islanders - I'm told that the Nassau Coliseum is a giant piece of shit and there is no reason why Long Island has a pro sports team.
2. Phoenix - It never made any sense to put a hockey team in the desert.  Sure, they made the Western Conference Finals last year, but no one ever goes to those games and they never will.  I've been trying to think about what would be considered Phoenix's TEAM.  It's got to be either the Suns or the Cardinals, right?  A little help here, Buke, would be appreciated.  Anyway, say goodbye to the Coyotes.

Next up is the NBA and out of all the big dog sports, this one could use a few less teams to help spread out the already paper thin talent pool a bit more.  Time to get my boning knife out.
1. Sacramento - The Maloofs have no business being owners of a franchise and it's time to relieve them of their duties.  Don't worry about Jimmer, he shouldn't be employed anyway.
2. Charlotte - Pretty much the same reason as above.  Michael Jordan would probably sell this team in a heartbeat if he could.  I never understood why the NBA was so determined to put a team back in North Carolina when it failed miserably the first time.  Same thing with New Orleans but at least they have some players now that will hopefully draw.

Let's help out Reinsdorf next and get baseball down to 28 teams.  How ironic would it be if I shut down the White Sox?  I mean, they probably don't draw well and their stadium isn't all that great; that would be some delicious irony.  But I'll be nice and pick on Prime's downtrodden area some more.
1. Oakland - Yes, they are having a great season this year and continue to defy the odds, but that doesn't cover up all the bullshit in that organization.  Why can't they even get that dump 40% full?  And why aren't they building a new place?  If no one goes and no one wants to give you a new building, then no one will miss you.
2. Tampa Bay - Selfishly, I just want to see the MAD .500 GENIUS Joe Maddon unemployed but it's basically for the same reasons as Oakland.  Their stadium should be aborted and no one cares enough to support them other than Dick Vitale.  Can you imagine how great the contraction "draft" would be if MLB eliminated these two talent-rich franchises?

Finally, we get to football.  Now if I could choose the two teams for contraction just based on spite, I would pick the Broncos and the Jets.  I am so SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of hearing about these teams.  Guess what, ESPN?  Neither one is going to make the playoffs this year so there is no need to send 4 anchors, 3 analysts, and 12 reporters to each camp site.  It is overkill and NOBODY cares about either of these two franchises.  I'm sure that you all are growing bored with my constant RG3 love, but his first training camp is much more newsworthy than Denver and the other team in NJ.  ESPN sucks.  Anyway, where was I?  Oh yes, trying to justify why I'm not cutting the Bills and Jaguars which are the easy answers.
1. St. Louis - Terrible stadium and moribund fanbase (not to mention very little talent) is a perfect recipe for contraction.  As far as local attention, the Rams aren't even close to the Cardinals and the Blues when it comes to affection.  Trust me, no one is going to miss the Rams if they are gone except for Dick Vermeil and he cries about everything so fuck him.
2. Cincinnati - Look, Mike Brown is never going to sell this team because it is his only source of income so the only way to stop him is to force him to let go.  The fans aren't going anymore and they clearly hate the Brown family.  They have decided that they aren't giving that man any more of their money and it makes perfect sense.  I am eliminating the Bengals FOR Bengals fans!  You deserve better than that asshole!

Obviously, now it is your turn.  I've cut my fat off; it's time for you to do the same.  Who are you getting rid of?  And don't just be rubes and pick the Tigers, Cowboys, Heat, and your boyfriend's catcher's mitt.  Don't be lazy.  That's my job.

34 comments:

Grumpy said...

The Bengals made the playoffs last year, have a lot of young talent and their new in town training camp is packing in fans.

The Browns have become irrelevant. Contract them.

You're going to contract an NHL team that made the conference finals but allow the Blue Jackets to exist? That makes no sense.

The Iceman said...

A little shot at Tonya with the Bengals. Let's see if she shows up to defend herself.

You're insane if you think Denver isn't a lock for the playoffs. If they can make it with Tebow dry humping the football all year, they will make it with Fetus Head laser beaming overrated WRs. Subnote: be prepared to overpay or overdraft Decker and Thomas if you were interested in either. Manning being there drives that useless stock through the roof.

I don't care about hockey or baseball so I'll just do 2. NBA you could safely rid yourself of Golden St and Orlando. After Howard is gone from Orlando no one will even remember they had a team. And putting Mark Jackson back in the announcing booth will give him more time to plow hookers' mud tunnels.

In the NFL I would probably hatchet the Jags because even though it's the obvious answer, you cannot ignore how much that entire city doesn't fucking care about a football team being in their backyard. I just spent a week in Jacksonville and do you know how many billboards/advertisements I saw for the Jags? Fucking zero. By Monday I had totally forgotten they had a team. Laugh all you want about columbus wanting an NFL team, but at least they would appreciate what they have. 2nd team is Seattle. Only because I hate Colon Cowfucker. Oh...and because Pete Carroll is a turd licking fuck face.

The Iceman said...

Yeah, Grumpy. About as much sense as axing a team who sells out every home game despite being shitty for the better part of 2 decades. Tear apart the product on the field all you like. No one will disagree with you. But wipe Raper's sperm from your eyeballs before making such ridiculous claims of getting rid of a team who has fans that give a fuck no matter how good or bad the team is.

Anonymous said...

The only one I would disagree with is that I would replace Cincinnati with Jacksonville. The rest are the right choices. Phoenix is an awful hockey town despite what Grumpy thinks.

It's fun to Google Image the Nassau Coliseum. Just terrible....looks like it belongs in North Korea or something.

I think the A's are decently close to moving to San Jose.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

And to answer your question, G$...Phoenix's "team" is the Suns. The GF's cousin was born and raised there and he said it's Suns all the way with a mild interest in the Cardinals. But apparently there isn't a huge interest in sports outside of x-games and motocross type shit. So even though it's a Suns city, they don't really follow with the vigor of other cities.

GMoney said...

Grumpy can't read. On field performance isn't weighed much at all as I stated from the beginning. The Bengals average about 75% capacity and everyone hates management. The Browns are terrible but at least they still sell out and the NFL isn't taking a team from them twice.

You can't get rid of Orlando (and Jax) because NO STATE TAX AND GREAT SCHOOLS!!!

I figured that the Suns were probably the choice but I want to draw Buke to comment today. God, how depressing is the Arizona pro sports scene. It's almost as bad as Ohio. ALMOST.

MUDawfan said...

NHL: Carolina Hurricanes/Dallas Stars - both are considered bottom of the barrell choices for sports entertainment in their respective cities. In most years I believe that the Dallas Rodeo draws better than a month of Stars games.

NBA: Milwaukee Bucks and Toronto Raptors - Toronto has absolutely no business having a pro team other than hockey or perhaps football if they built a new stadium. Nobody gives a fuck about the Bucks. I really wanted to say Portland, but I'm not going to kill the only pro franchise a city has.

MLB: Seattle Mariners and the Colorado Rockies - Baseball in the pacific northwest doesnt' even register as entertainment. Faggots up there would rather hike 7 miles up a mountain and sleep in Goat shit than watch a game. It's a shame too, since I hear the Mariners stadium is awesome.


NFL: Tennessee and either San Fransisco/Oakland. Their stadium is right downtown and the team draws well, but I just can't justify keeping the Titans. I've been to a Titans game and just felt underwhelmed, it didn't have a big time feeling like every other NFL team does. San Fran has a stadium that is older than shit and they didn't draw worth a damn until last season. Oakland has already killed their franchise once in a move to LA and the most popular activity in that city is Murder.
There is absolutely no need for two teams in the Bay Area.

GMoney said...

I thought I saw somewhere that the Raptors actually draw really well and Toronto is the 4th biggest market in the NBA so I don't see that happening. Plus, you don't want to make Canada angry.

Fuck you on the Rockies. Coors Field is a great place.

The 49ers play in a stadium that WILLIE FUCKING MAYS PLAYED IN. Aren't they getting a new one soon though? And good luck telling a Raiders fan that you are taking his team.

Here's an off-topic tangent:
As someone who as dumped a decent amount of weight off of my sexy frame over the past 6 months, it pisses me off when people gush about how Rex Ryan has lost 100+ pounds over the offseason. He is lazy and had risky surgery because he has no self control. Don't congratulate people that do that lap band bullshit. They should be the outcasts of society for taking the most lazy way out. Go to the gym and put the fucking fork down, you manatees, don't go get elective surgery like a pussy.

The Iceman said...

I hate baseball and even I know that people in Colorado love the Rockies. That makes as much sense as Grumpy cutting the Browns.

Brady said...

I thought for sure G$ was going to troll the fuck out of me and include the Indians. However, I probably wouldn't blame him after that MIN series this past weekend.

GMoney said...

You know, based on my criteria, the Cubs should be considered. Horrible stadium, awful, really dumb fans, almost zero talent...

Basically, what I'm trying to say here is that if Prime gets to spend a week in Hawaii then I want him to come back to no local or favorite teams. Seems fair to me.

GMoney said...

Brady, that stadium is too nice to go vacant. Even as it gets older it doesn't seem to age much.

Anonymous said...

G$...You should have done the opposite of losing weight. You should have put ON a ton of weight and just got terribly obese in an effort to be on the next season of The Biggest Loser. It is what you owed to us after failing to get on Big Brother.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

But the Cubs were on Undercover Boss! So you know they care!

I'll echo my displeasure of taking the easy way out with weight loss, G$. So it's okay to be lazy and eat anything you can get your spongy litlle sausage fingers on but when it comes time to lose the weight you wanna take the easy way out on that, too? Get on a treadmill and replace the Taco Bell with a turkey sandwich, fat ass. And don't blame your genes. I know plenty of skinny people with obese parents. It's called will power...and not eating a bag of Doritos for dinner.

Anonymous said...

MLB: Seattle/Kansas City - George Brett is the only good thing to come out of this combined collection of shittiness. Nord cheers for the Mariners and has a Ichiro t shirt jersey. See where this goes?

NFL: Bengals/Rams - I don't really think any fanbase would notice. But really, who cares either of these fanbases?

NHL: NYI/Phoenix - G$s response was sufficient. I still lol at the Thrashers of last year. That is how all contractions should go down: 200 people showing up to a rally to reverse it. Keep it real Hotlanta.

NBA: Golden State/Portland - It will just never happen with these two teams. God hates the Blazers' knees throughout the history of the franchise, and any team in Oakland in any sport just deserves death. In fact, the census tells me that the city is 74.1% not white. Lop that motherfucker off the map and be done with it.

Ide

The Iceman said...

Have you seen the George Brett story on Youtube, Ide? Stop what you're doing right now and watch it if you haven't. This is my contribution for today. You're welcome, everyone.

GMoney said...

Put on a ton of weight, eh? Nah, I don't feel like running into everything on accident.

Iceman, it really isn't THAT hard to avoid the drive-thru. And I can attest that it is the absolute easiest way to shed blubber immediately.

Ide gets a +1 for the Nord reference. You just know that the entire state of Texas hates him already.

No homo, but that George Brett hasn't aged in a day in the last 30 years. Handsome fella and pretty good celebrity softball player. No homo again.

Prime99 said...

And yet, your argument for contracting the Warriors has the same rebuttle... They sell out every game right across the parking lot from the baseball team that occasionally draws less than 1,000 folks.

Prime99 said...

Fuck! You can't take every team away from me!

Wrigley is a national landmark and the Cubs are a top 5 franchise in baseball. Ron Santo had to trade in his legs and life to make sure the Cubs are protected. Show some goddamn respect!

Ok- the Raiders get their home games blacked out, but the Niners always draw- even in shitty years. Plus, their new stadium in Santa Clara is already under construction for 2015 opening.

I can't defend the Sac Kings. I want to, but I can't.

The SF Giants have San Jose territorial rights which are keeping the A's from moving there. No idea how Selig will help solve the sitch but so far it is at a stalemate.

Oakland's finest product is Bub Rub's YouTube video about whistle tips - WOO WOO!

George Brett's story about shitting is in fact a must watch video. The man knows his shit.

Anonymous said...

Tosh did a Web Redemption with Bubb Rub a few weeks ago. It as tremendous.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I feel like I've seen that George Brett video before. Nonetheless, it was ELITE. I also had a Rawlings baseball glove with his signature. A much more suitable replacement over my first one with ROBIN YOUNT.

Ide

GMoney said...

My first glove sig with Mookie Wilson.

By the way, care to comment on Brionte Dunn and his love of driving around with drugs three inches from him? Christ, will you guys even have a team on 9/1 because this dude is going to sit just like the other three.

And, black people, you will continue to have your cars searched during minor traffic stops because of reasons like this.

The Iceman said...

"Shit my pants again last night. I'm usually good for that twice a year."

George Brett is an amazing human.

Brady said...

Tom Emanski's video is the only one I'll watch.

The Iceman said...

Remember how boned up Brady was after Ohio "stole" Dunn back from Michigan? Yeah...eat shit, fuck face. I'm sure others here were just as douchy about the Dunn thing but Brady is the blowhard of blowhards when it comes to anything Ohio. So he rightfully gets all the shit for this one. Let me know how that dickwad works out for you. LOLZ!!!

Brady said...

Wasn't it just an unpaid speeding ticket or something? He will be on the field sometime this fall. Good thing we have a stable of other backs to "hold down the fort".

Brady said...

OK, so it was a weed pipe and seat belt violation. Both misdemeanor's by the way. He will get a game or two and be on the field after that. It's no DUI or felonious home invasion but I'm sure the situation will be taken care of swiftly

Anonymous said...

Iceman....I think Brionte will work out pretty well, thank you very much.

--Drew

GMoney said...

The first of Urban's Boyz getting into trouble!!!

How do you not get arrested with drugs in the car? And you went through all the trouble of giving a car a full body cavity search just because the driver wasn't wearing a seatbelt (LOLZ) so why no cuffs? FUCK THE POLICE indeed.

The Iceman said...

Do you hear yourself, Brady? Or are you just in a constant state of delusion happily frolicking in lovely Suckingurbansweinerville? Stop making excuses for idiots doing dumb shit. If this were a Michigan player you would be killing him right now.

Brady said...

I'm pretty sure I didn't kill your Michigan players last week when two were arrested on the same day for much more serious charges.

Listen, the kid was caught with a pipe and no seat belt. He had a passenger in the car as well so there will be no difinitive answer on the ownership of the pipe. He is going to get punished for a couple games. What else do you want?

Anonymous said...

Phoenix has to be the worst sports city in America. Its been a Suns City for the 2 years I've been here, but since they are on their way to the bottom this city seems to be more and more of a Cardinals town. Whatever team gets the most attention from the fans doesn't come close to even an average sports city. As an avid college sports fan, I can't imagine that there is a worse college sports town in America either. No one cares at all.

G$ Have you figured out what to do about the G$FL draft draw since your defending champ won't be back to Ohio until probably October? If I can win a title with Michael Vick, I'm sure I will be fine from anywhere.


Buke

Tonya said...

"A little shot at Tonya with the Bengals. Let's see if she shows up to defend herself."

Nothing to defend here. Right on the $ actually. He would be doing me a huge favor by putting me out of my god-forsaken misery. Mike Brown is quite possibly the worst owner in the history of football. The team seems solid this year, however Brown will find a way to fuck it up for sure! We would have better luck with his daughter in charge, but what do I know, she's probably too busy baking cookies and shit.

GMoney said...

My favorite new Mike Brown is awful story is that he won't let players take bottles of Gatorade home with them. Why would anyone want to play there!!!

Buke, maybe if you, Drew, and -Rex finally registered with the league, I could send out a leaguewide email. BOOM! Plan on Labor Day Monday though. If you don't like it, blame the guy that you beat in the Super Bowl last year. Thanks for the insight on Arizona's shittiness though.