|Pictured: Rex Ryan's weight loss procedure|
Before I start cutting the fat, I have to consider a few things (and on field performance is not one of them):
*Did they just build a new stadium?
*Do the fans show up?
*Are they in the process of building a new stadium (new stadiums provide security)?
*Did it ever make sense to put a team there?
*And finally, why the fuck would they ever put a team there?
We'll start first with the NHL because if I end with them, you'll just gloss through it. By the way, even though they should be involved in any discussion like this, I am not destroying the Blue Jackets. Consider it a pity fuck. Plus, based on the asterisks above, there are a few teams more deserving of the ax.
1. NY Islanders - I'm told that the Nassau Coliseum is a giant piece of shit and there is no reason why Long Island has a pro sports team.
2. Phoenix - It never made any sense to put a hockey team in the desert. Sure, they made the Western Conference Finals last year, but no one ever goes to those games and they never will. I've been trying to think about what would be considered Phoenix's TEAM. It's got to be either the Suns or the Cardinals, right? A little help here, Buke, would be appreciated. Anyway, say goodbye to the Coyotes.
Next up is the NBA and out of all the big dog sports, this one could use a few less teams to help spread out the already paper thin talent pool a bit more. Time to get my boning knife out.
1. Sacramento - The Maloofs have no business being owners of a franchise and it's time to relieve them of their duties. Don't worry about Jimmer, he shouldn't be employed anyway.
2. Charlotte - Pretty much the same reason as above. Michael Jordan would probably sell this team in a heartbeat if he could. I never understood why the NBA was so determined to put a team back in North Carolina when it failed miserably the first time. Same thing with New Orleans but at least they have some players now that will hopefully draw.
Let's help out Reinsdorf next and get baseball down to 28 teams. How ironic would it be if I shut down the White Sox? I mean, they probably don't draw well and their stadium isn't all that great; that would be some delicious irony. But I'll be nice and pick on Prime's downtrodden area some more.
1. Oakland - Yes, they are having a great season this year and continue to defy the odds, but that doesn't cover up all the bullshit in that organization. Why can't they even get that dump 40% full? And why aren't they building a new place? If no one goes and no one wants to give you a new building, then no one will miss you.
2. Tampa Bay - Selfishly, I just want to see the MAD .500 GENIUS Joe Maddon unemployed but it's basically for the same reasons as Oakland. Their stadium should be aborted and no one cares enough to support them other than Dick Vitale. Can you imagine how great the contraction "draft" would be if MLB eliminated these two talent-rich franchises?
Finally, we get to football. Now if I could choose the two teams for contraction just based on spite, I would pick the Broncos and the Jets. I am so SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of hearing about these teams. Guess what, ESPN? Neither one is going to make the playoffs this year so there is no need to send 4 anchors, 3 analysts, and 12 reporters to each camp site. It is overkill and NOBODY cares about either of these two franchises. I'm sure that you all are growing bored with my constant RG3 love, but his first training camp is much more newsworthy than Denver and the other team in NJ. ESPN sucks. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, trying to justify why I'm not cutting the Bills and Jaguars which are the easy answers.
1. St. Louis - Terrible stadium and moribund fanbase (not to mention very little talent) is a perfect recipe for contraction. As far as local attention, the Rams aren't even close to the Cardinals and the Blues when it comes to affection. Trust me, no one is going to miss the Rams if they are gone except for Dick Vermeil and he cries about everything so fuck him.
2. Cincinnati - Look, Mike Brown is never going to sell this team because it is his only source of income so the only way to stop him is to force him to let go. The fans aren't going anymore and they clearly hate the Brown family. They have decided that they aren't giving that man any more of their money and it makes perfect sense. I am eliminating the Bengals FOR Bengals fans! You deserve better than that asshole!
Obviously, now it is your turn. I've cut my fat off; it's time for you to do the same. Who are you getting rid of? And don't just be rubes and pick the Tigers, Cowboys, Heat, and your boyfriend's catcher's mitt. Don't be lazy. That's my job.