Friday, July 06, 2012
*I seem to say this every year about this time, but how white trash are fireworks? I’d bet that Justin Verlander LOVES them. There is nothing more pathetic than hearing someone say something like “boy, this year’s show was better (or worse) than last year”! Guess what Uncle Sam never wants you to know: they are always the same. And the payoff is never worth the infuriating traffic that one has to sit through to get there. I didn’t even bother going downtown this year. My fireworks-loving white trash wife didn’t seem to mind either. Fireworks are the worst part about America—way worse than political ads and guys named Stu.
*I did get to spend a portion of my Fourth at the hospital though as my old man had his knee replaced on the 3rd. Everything went well but my dad did tell his doctor before the operation that he looked like one of the guys from Swamp People (or whatever that show on A&E is called). I can’t help but think that that might be the worst thing to say to someone who is about to replace one of your body parts. “Hey, Dr. Habeeb, has anyone ever told you that you look like one of those hillbillies that wrestles gators on TV?” I will not be surprised to find out a few weeks from now that dad’s knee is just a moldy orange. On the bright side, one of the nurses asked my mom if she was dad’s mom. Dad thought that that was great; mom, not so much. The nurse immediately apologized for making such a stupid remark.
*She$ is still working ungodly hours for that school that will start their football season with a loss this September so she’s not around much and is getting about two hours of sleep per night. She came home last Saturday evening all stressed out and worked up so I decided to be an ELITE husband and volunteered to do the grocery shopping for her. So we made up a list and she gave me a handful of coupons and I was on my way. What a disaster. In my bachelor days of shopping, I went in with no game plan and just picked up whatever looked decent and that was that. When you are married, you don’t get that sort of luxury. Now I have to buy ingredients and stuff more complex than “package of all beef hot dogs and buns” or “ground beef and an El Paso taco kit”. What should have taken me 40 minutes at the most ended up taking an hour and a half because I couldn’t find bread crumbs, Hershey chocolate sauce (which I HAD to get because the damn coupon was expiring!!!), and face wash. It took me 15 minutes just to find the bread crumbs. The first five minutes of me walking around the store all confused had to be hilarious but then it just got really sad. I wanted to cry because I was all alone as this Kroger is notorious for only having one person working at a time. To make matters worse, I got home to find out that her recipe did not require bread crumbs at all and that whole ordeal was POINTLESS. I could have thrown her through the drywall for putting me through that mess. Once again, never get married. Your wife will always be your mortal enemy.
*For what it’s worth, my 4th grilling was ELITE. Bison burgers for lunch and BBQ pork chops for dinner were expertly prepared. Both meals would have made a pussy vegan’s (like Mr. Ace) dick hard.
*Two weeks ago, the missus and I loaded up are gun racks and headed to the local WalMart to get a new TV for the bedroom. Of course, the TV that we wanted was not in stock because WalMart can get all sorts of fucked so we went home and I ordered a nice 39 inch RCA for $319 online (excellent deal for an actual name brand). It even came with free home shipping. SICK! Nothing is ever easy with me and home deliveries as my adventures with the patio set (remember that shit?--seriously, Brady and Tonya and other noobs, click this link and enjoy) are to be submitted as evidence. I was tracking this bitch throughout and the driver notes from Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of last week all showed that they tried to drop off the TV but no one was home. The package didn’t need to be signed for but whatever. So I called up FedEx demanding answers and my call was dropped which of course it was so the wife called them back. Apparently, packages being left are at the driver’s discretion. Our driver is an asshole. They didn’t even leave one of those slips on the door stating that they were there asking for future directions on how to get us are wonderful TV. So She$ just told them to leave it at the warehouse since the driver was a huge boob and I would pick it up. Easy, right? Not true as apparently it takes FedEx 3-4 days to tell a driver that a package should be taken off of the truck and left at the facility that they report to EVERY DAY. I was able to pick it up on Tuesday night and it’s working like a champ now but my point is…FUCK FEDEX.
I was going to go on one more huge rant about how the horrible construction on I-270 is at its worst now considering that on the one lane “express” lane, there have been accidents on it during rush hour twice this week leading to hour plus drives home, but I don’t want to get into that again. Seriously, if anything goes wrong on that 5 mile stretch of a tight one lane, everything just goes to shit because there is no way to unblock that piece of shit. You’re stuck. Just know that I would like to sucker punch every road construction worker who is on that project. That’s it for me this week; maybe next week I’ll be able to walk outside and not sweat through my shirt. Oh and my oven quite working again for the second time in 8 months so I've got that going for me, too.