Friday, July 06, 2012

Could You Tell Me Where I Might Find the "Burns-Os"?

Did everyone get through our mail-in week OK? Good. To close out the week, I’m going to take a break from the normal sports talk and go off on a few rants surrounding my daily life/pointless existence. These usually seem to go over well. Maybe—just maybe—Drew will chime in from the starboard side of Rog’s fishing charter/gay sex cruise!

*I seem to say this every year about this time, but how white trash are fireworks? I’d bet that Justin Verlander LOVES them. There is nothing more pathetic than hearing someone say something like “boy, this year’s show was better (or worse) than last year”! Guess what Uncle Sam never wants you to know: they are always the same. And the payoff is never worth the infuriating traffic that one has to sit through to get there. I didn’t even bother going downtown this year. My fireworks-loving white trash wife didn’t seem to mind either. Fireworks are the worst part about America—way worse than political ads and guys named Stu.

*I did get to spend a portion of my Fourth at the hospital though as my old man had his knee replaced on the 3rd. Everything went well but my dad did tell his doctor before the operation that he looked like one of the guys from Swamp People (or whatever that show on A&E is called). I can’t help but think that that might be the worst thing to say to someone who is about to replace one of your body parts. “Hey, Dr. Habeeb, has anyone ever told you that you look like one of those hillbillies that wrestles gators on TV?” I will not be surprised to find out a few weeks from now that dad’s knee is just a moldy orange. On the bright side, one of the nurses asked my mom if she was dad’s mom. Dad thought that that was great; mom, not so much. The nurse immediately apologized for making such a stupid remark.

*She$ is still working ungodly hours for that school that will start their football season with a loss this September so she’s not around much and is getting about two hours of sleep per night. She came home last Saturday evening all stressed out and worked up so I decided to be an ELITE husband and volunteered to do the grocery shopping for her. So we made up a list and she gave me a handful of coupons and I was on my way. What a disaster. In my bachelor days of shopping, I went in with no game plan and just picked up whatever looked decent and that was that. When you are married, you don’t get that sort of luxury. Now I have to buy ingredients and stuff more complex than “package of all beef hot dogs and buns” or “ground beef and an El Paso taco kit”. What should have taken me 40 minutes at the most ended up taking an hour and a half because I couldn’t find bread crumbs, Hershey chocolate sauce (which I HAD to get because the damn coupon was expiring!!!), and face wash. It took me 15 minutes just to find the bread crumbs. The first five minutes of me walking around the store all confused had to be hilarious but then it just got really sad. I wanted to cry because I was all alone as this Kroger is notorious for only having one person working at a time. To make matters worse, I got home to find out that her recipe did not require bread crumbs at all and that whole ordeal was POINTLESS. I could have thrown her through the drywall for putting me through that mess. Once again, never get married. Your wife will always be your mortal enemy.

*For what it’s worth, my 4th grilling was ELITE. Bison burgers for lunch and BBQ pork chops for dinner were expertly prepared. Both meals would have made a pussy vegan’s (like Mr. Ace) dick hard.

*Two weeks ago, the missus and I loaded up are gun racks and headed to the local WalMart to get a new TV for the bedroom. Of course, the TV that we wanted was not in stock because WalMart can get all sorts of fucked so we went home and I ordered a nice 39 inch RCA for $319 online (excellent deal for an actual name brand). It even came with free home shipping. SICK! Nothing is ever easy with me and home deliveries as my adventures with the patio set (remember that shit?--seriously, Brady and Tonya and other noobs, click this link and enjoy) are to be submitted as evidence. I was tracking this bitch throughout and the driver notes from Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of last week all showed that they tried to drop off the TV but no one was home. The package didn’t need to be signed for but whatever. So I called up FedEx demanding answers and my call was dropped which of course it was so the wife called them back. Apparently, packages being left are at the driver’s discretion. Our driver is an asshole. They didn’t even leave one of those slips on the door stating that they were there asking for future directions on how to get us are wonderful TV. So She$ just told them to leave it at the warehouse since the driver was a huge boob and I would pick it up. Easy, right? Not true as apparently it takes FedEx 3-4 days to tell a driver that a package should be taken off of the truck and left at the facility that they report to EVERY DAY. I was able to pick it up on Tuesday night and it’s working like a champ now but my point is…FUCK FEDEX.

I was going to go on one more huge rant about how the horrible construction on I-270 is at its worst now considering that on the one lane “express” lane, there have been accidents on it during rush hour twice this week leading to hour plus drives home, but I don’t want to get into that again. Seriously, if anything goes wrong on that 5 mile stretch of a tight one lane, everything just goes to shit because there is no way to unblock that piece of shit. You’re stuck. Just know that I would like to sucker punch every road construction worker who is on that project. That’s it for me this week; maybe next week I’ll be able to walk outside and not sweat through my shirt.  Oh and my oven quite working again for the second time in 8 months so I've got that going for me, too.

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

Bison Burgers really? Way to pay more for a lesser product. Do not give its leaner crap. First of all lean is for pussy's who want to look good in a wife beater. If you want lean just do not buy the 73% lean tube of hamburger from WalMart.

Hoffman

GMoney said...

Relax, the missus picked up some patties from the local farmer's market. We eat bison like once a year at most. Plus, it's kind of fun to eat a buffalo.

MUDawgfan said...

*Whenever I got to Ted's Montana Grill and eat Bison Burgers, I try to think of all the meat that had to be left behind because I could only carry 100 lbs of meat back with me to the wagon in Oregon Trail.

*Saw "Ted" on Tuesday. Nice movie, some great one-liners but nothing outrageous. Stream it when you can.

*I have only been to Cleveland a handful of times, but I will submit that Cleveland Stadium Mustard is the #1 topping you can put on hotdogs or sausages. It is simply delicious.

GMoney said...

I assume that you're in Cleveland then???

MuDawgfan said...

No, no - they sell it in Cincinnati at a couple of places.

Someone brought it to a cookout I went to on the evening of the 3rd. My first time trying it and I can't get enough of the stuff!

Anonymous said...

Ted is pretty funny.

Laughing at G$s misfortunes is always fun.

I cant attest to bison burgers but ostrich burgers are ELITE. Bring back Fuddruckers, amirite?

All advice regarding meat should come from Ron Swanson. Having said that, Ape reads Marie Clairr for fashion advice. He is a male gay.

Ide

Grumpy said...

Best post of the week. Strangely, your pathetic life happenings are more interesting than the NBA, MLB and women's track & field. Even with the gratuitous and completely unnecessary shot at me.

Anonymous said...

I was amazed at the height at which the fireworks exploded. I was equally taken in by the detail of each display.

That is the gold standard by which all firework critiques are measured.

-Damman

Prime99 said...

Working for a public university is no joke! I hope She$ is getting OT or comp time or something for working so many hours. I no longer have the problem of working for a public university athletic department...

Didn't watch fireworks this year. ELITE decision.

Shipping is never is easy for you, G$. But I enjoy hearing about it.

GMoney said...

Trav: The Northwest Signal's Fireworks Analyst for the last 15 years and counting!

Are all Fuddrucker's gone? I swear that I saw one at Harrah's in NOLA.

Grump, you're married, do you ever get sent to the store on a solo mission? It's brutal. Coupons are for homos.

GMoney said...

By the way, I set up a service call with GE (a division of Scheinhardt Wig Company!) this morning to look at my oven. I set it up for some time between 8 and noon with clear instructions to call me before they come to the house since it will take me 15 minutes to get home and I'm not waiting around for them all morning. Who wants to bet that they don't show up or do but do not call me???

Grumpy said...

I go to the grocery when I want something specific. I let Mrs. Grumpy do the heavy grocery lifting on Sat. after she works all week, like any real man.

Anonymous said...

Coupons are for homos! There is nothing worse than going to a busy grocery store and standing in line behind a woman with 30 coupons. All the while you are watching people who started way further back in neighboring lines who are leaving with their groceries.

-Lil' Strut

The Iceman said...

We went downtown Toledo for fireworks this year. Critical error...even though I mildly enjoyed the view that is used for every single amatuer toledo rap video ever made. Toledo rappers are hilarious...but not on purpose. I usually go and watch them on YouTube on days I'm feeling a little down.

This is all I have to say about fireworks. Or any huge public gathering for any reason: If there is a young child that won't stop crying or a grown adult running around acting like a retarded 5 year old every time an explosion happens...I will find them. With 100% accuracy, I will find a way to set up camp within 5 feet of these fucks.

Brady said...

First of all, I love the random G$ posts. This one was very entertaining.

I went to the local fireworks because... well I don't really have a good reason why. Anyway, we sat there and watched for 15 minutes until the "finale". They ended, or so I thought, and we began the long walk back to the car (FUCK parking close, it's way better to walk awhile in exchange for a quick escape).

Then half way back, they started lighting off the really good ones. By this time the crowd was half way to their cars and way out of position to see them (lots of trees). My wife along with numerous children walking around us demanded to go back to see the rest of the show. I'm proud to say not one of the men in our walking group agreed to this request resulting in lots of bitching (my wife) and crying (random children around me). I instantly formed some kind of primitive bond with these guys as we turned our backs on America while dragging our families with us.

I then felt guilty for snubbing America. To make myself feel better, I drank a million beers and played with explosives. I figured that would balance out the universe.

Prime99 said...

I did however see fireworks at the O.A.R. concert the other night. They provided great distraction for us to bounce out of there with little issue.

Brady said...

By the way, did everyone see that clusterfuck in San Diego? That's my kind of fireworks show! Nothing like bringing the kids out to witness armageddon.

Anonymous said...

The adults running around are totes lol. My dad explained to me that many of them are veterans and still experience shell shock. But, as a man who served in Vietnam, my dad viewed these guys as giant faggots.

According to him, any vet or soldier that confuses a public firework show with a bunch of slopes (or hodgies these days) shooting rockets at them is either attention starved or a giant pussy.

My family gives solid life advice.

Ide

GMoney said...

Brady, good for you for not going back. How American is it to fuck up a firework show by throwing in an "intermission of incompetence" that confuses everyone???

LS, I agree totally that coupons are stupid but with the crazy eyes that I have been getting from an over-stressed She$ recently, I took them and smiled. I have no idea how or why I walked out of that store without any frozen pizzas or Little Debbie's. That was a huge lapse in judgment.

What do you know, the oven is working again! That was 100 bucks well spent for them to replace a shitty part that they installed a mere 8 months ago.

Brady said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Prime99 said...

I'd rather hang out with Ide's uncle.

Brady said...

"any vet or soldier that confuses a public firework show with a bunch of slopes (or hodgies these days) shooting rockets at them is either attention starved or a giant pussy."

Those were SOLID words from Ide's dad. Awesome quote.

GMoney said...

I'm disappointed in Drew. He said that he would check in with us.

Anonymous said...

Slope is one of the most underrated racial slurs around. It needs to be used more often.

-Damman

Brady said...

Where is Drew again? Gay cruise? I wonder if it's fabulous.

GMoney said...

Ever since I watched Gran Torino, I've been partial to "nip" and "zipperhead".

Drew is fishing in the Atlantic Ocean or something, I think. I would imagine that the gay sex is included.

Anonymous said...

I read this shit fags. Where was Tonya today?

--Drew