Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Atlanta Celebrates it's Independence from Joe Johnson Day

       "Soooooo, you want me to make it look like I'm pooping a basketball??"



I was hoping to catch up with the HarBRAH's this week but it appears that they are frat boying it up at mommy and daddy's cabin on some uppity lake in Michigan that only snob fuck rich dicks have access to.  Just know that you should refrain from eating a hot dog near the HarBRAH's lest you yearn to be called a homo loving cock chugger.  So, I decided to make this post short and sweet and piss off Brady at the same time.  Just when you thought you had seen the last NBA post.

I never thought I would mutter these words while still being able to control my own bowel movements.  But.../gathers self...Danny Ferry is a God damn genius.  By now you all have seen the fucking master piece Ferry threw together from what seems to be straight from the hip.  Joe Johnson's nightmarish contract shipped to Brooklyn for a pile of expiring contracts and glorified 6th man Marvin Williams exported to Utah for a very underrated Devin Harris.  I don't know how long Ferry's had this place in plan but I can just see him cackling like a maniac somewhere in Atlanta with his hair all frizzled and standing on end.  Eyes all huge like he's trippin' balls.  A smile wider than a hooker's vagina.  I would guess he's probably naked, too.  Because that's what crazy people do.  But God damn...what a move (assuming it goes through and isn't vetoed by a cock face commissioner).

Let's not kid ourselves.  Atlanta got absolute shit for talent from Brooklyn in this exchange which means that the Hawks are going to blow for probably the next few years (sorry MuDawg...it's true).  But Hawks fans HAVE to be pumped to be able to give the hardest middle finger they can fucking muster to Joe Johnson as he heads to Brooklyn.  Congratulations.  You have been released from Joe Johnson purgatory.  Because here is a FACT...Johnson is not that good of a player.  And back in 2010 when I saw what Atlanta gave him with pretty much NO ONE offering Johnson even close to that, my testicles nearly burst.  For such an average player to get blindly sky hooked such a lucrative deal was one of the most puzzling moves I've ever seen.  Ever.  But now, in the words of William Wallace: "FREEDOM!"

Here is why I love this move so much.  It's twofold:  First, Atlanta fans don't have to defend Joe Johnson anymore.  He's someone else's headache, now.  It's okay, you guys.  Let go.  Free yourself from the persecution!  Go ahead and lump him in with the Tracy McGrady's and Vince Carter's of the world where he belongs.  It's so liberating!!  The more Joe Johnson haters walking the earth, the better this place is to live.  I fully believe that.  I bet you're all wondering why I hate Joe Johnson so much and the answer is simple.  I have no fucking idea.  He's just one of those guys I have never liked.  Just the sight of his face sends me into a tailspin of negative emotion and endless rage.  And I don't know why!  And I hate him for that, too!

Second.  With this move, Brooklyn basically told Dwight Howard to cram his Nets trade request up his crap factory.  Correction.  Not pretty much...they totally did.  Found this little nugget and was so pleased when I read it.  "Of recent attempts to re-engage the Magic on trade talks for Howard, one source told ESPN.com: "They didn't want to dance with us. Dwight blew it in March (when he opted in to the final year of his current Magic contract)."  God, I fucking love it.  Make Smiles McElbows fucking rot in Orlando or in the city of whatever chump ass team takes him.  Sorry Dwight.  Once Brooklyn re-signs D-Will they're out of loot you dirty son of a bitch.  Serves him right.

So there it is.  Let's talk about some NBA off season.  Anyone hate Joe Johnson with as much fevered passion as I do?  Anyone else get a sexual tingle in their penis head when Brooklyn fucked over the most hated douche in the NBA?  What about Anthony Davis already getting hurt?  Is there a unibrow joke buried in there somewhere?  I'm TOTES on team Ferry with this trade.  Where's everyone else?  Oh yeah...happy 4th of July and stuff.  GO JOEY CHESTNUT!!!

63 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think its great that everyone gets to laugh like a bastard at Dwight Howard while JJ stink fingers Bunny Cody.

That is a very ELITE movie reference.

Also, I got some trim last night so that's all Ive got for today. Time to turn this 6 day weekend into a reality.

/hits snooze

Ide

Anonymous said...

SUP BRAHS....

It was a genius of a trade. It also completely proves that "untradeable contract" is a complete myth. If you can get rid of that contract....then you can get rid of any contract.

The only thing I'll disagree with is Devin Harris being "very underrated". He was actually "very shitty" last year. That being said, I'd still deal Marvin for Devin and his expiring deal.

FUCK YOU DWIGHT!

One thing you left out Iceman. Is that the Hawks now have a ton of space for next summer. Who hails from Georgia that will be on the free agent market? Dwight Howard. MUDawg just may be stuck rooting for that son of a bitch.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

How could you ignore the Cavs releasing Manny Harris?

GMoney said...

Cavs beat reporter, Grumpy, nailed the big story. Manny Harris and his stick legs are no more in Believeland. Dion Waiters has blood on his hands now. But don't worry, Chris Grant actually put a qualifying offer out to fucking Luke Harangody.

It sounds like Dwight to Brooklyn is still a good possibility for Lopez, MarShon, Kardashian's bitch, and 3 first rounders.

Dwight-JJ-Gerald Wallace-any PG would be pretty sick actually.

But yeah, only a dumb bastard like Stalin or whatever his name is would approve of his team taking on Joe Johnson's albatross.

Here's a thought: wouldn't Brooklyn going after Steve Nash make more sense than Deron Williams? He'd be a lot cheaper (to afford Howard) and gives you 90% of what D-Will can do. I don't know; maybe Nash would take a discount of say 3 years/25 mill (or Omer Asik money fer chris'sake) at a chance for a title???

Anonymous said...

I'm fine with that trade. Yeah, the faggot gets what he wants...but, at least the Nets are paying out the ass for it. That's a great haul for Orlando and one that they have to take if offered. Hopefully, Howard's back injury is a chronic one and they just done fucked themselves.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

With this move, Brooklyn basically told Dwight Howard to cram his Nets trade request up his crap factory. Correction. Not pretty much...they totally did.

Just another genius post by Iceman since the first headline on espn.com reads "Howard could go to Nets in trade".

So dumb.

Seal

Anonymous said...

By the way brosephs and brahs...I'm flying out to Fenwick Island, Delaware for a week of ocean vacation and deep sea fishing beginning tomorrow. So, my bad ass mofo commenting may be a little light on THU/FRI/MON. Don't shed too many tears. I'm not gonna pull an Ape or Dut and vanish.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Damn....Seal rolling hard in the paint with Iceman on this Tuesday morning.

--Drew

GMoney said...

"Hopefully, Howard dies" is what I assume that you mean. I'm at the point now where I just want it to end. Just go wherever you want and keep thinking that people love you.

The Iceman said...

Do if Brooklyn can still pull off bringing McElbows to the team, do they become the most hated NBA franchise over the Heat? That's 4 (arguably) stars on the same team. Just know that I think Gerald Wallace is more of a star than Joe Johnson.

That would have been so sweet if Atlanta would have ended up with Howard. That would TOTES be a Ferry move...ditch one back breaking contract for another one.

I don't think Nash makes more sense than D-Will. Nash is 38 years old. I just can't see Nash keeping up what he's doing at 39 and 40. D-Will solidifies your PG position for the next 5ish years and gives you a top PG for the same amount of time. Nash is cheaper but I don't think he comes close in giving the overall production that Williams can.

The Iceman said...

"Just another genius post by Iceman since the first headline on espn.com reads "Howard could go to Nets in trade"."

This wasn't the case when I wrote this, Seal. You do know that G$ and I both write these posts the night before the actual post date, right? Learn how blogging works around here, faggot.

GMoney said...

Seal, not to give away all of the Secrets of Blogging, but everything is written well in advance of post time. I assume that he wrote this up in primetime last night when it was also assumed that the Nets just fucked themselves out of Smiles McElbows. It looks sort of dumb now, but I'll allow it because anyone that hates Howard is a friend of mine.

Drew, don't forget that if you fall off the boat, the first thing that you should do is strip off anything that floats and the last thing that you should do is yell for help.

MuDawgfan said...

Lots of speculation last night in the AJC and on the Hawks blogs.

The amount of savings in money at the end of next year will be 96 million. That's ALOT of free agent cheddar that we can use to attract talent. Now it's just a matter of identifying the pieces.

Per Mike and Mike - Howard is still in talks with Brooklyn, so I'm going to assume he's out of the picture. I don't even know where to go to find information on expiring contracts, the only one I am aware of is CP3.

So the Hawks now have somewhat of a core three with Teague (who I love) Horford, and Josh Smiff.

Assuming we pick up a lottery pick this year and a new coach too, throw a shit load of money at some free agents and we could be in excellent shape two seasons from now.

The Iceman said...

So let me ask you something MuDawg...are you happy or sad that Johnson is gone? Because the feeling I got from the few Atlanta fans I know is that they were forced to defend Johnson because of that contract, not because they really liked him as a player. You would know better than me...what's the overall fan feeling about Johnson getting shipped?

Prime99 said...

As a non-Hawks fan, I think Hawks fans should be pooping basketballs over this move.

Why do I get the feeling that Ide R Kellyed his girl last night?

Anonymous said...

I obviously know that - but am I ever going to pass on an opportunity to tell Iceman he is an idiot? Obviously not.

Seal

GMoney said...

Prime, there's a reason why no one is asking Ide for details. Take the hint.

I also forgot to agree with Drew that Devin Harris sucks. He is a below average PG but at least his name isn't Marvin Williams.

People seem to be going crazy over Portland offering Roy Hibbert a max contract. Yeah, this is what happens when you are a 7'2" All-Star that keeps getting better: You get paid. Is this any worse than the aforementioned Omer Asik getting a 25 million dollar offer coming off a historic season where he averaged 3 points or Minny reportedly prepared to offer Nic fucking Batum 50 million? Of course not, compared to those two the Parks & Rec star might be worth 100 million.

GMoney said...

I respect your decision, Seal, please continue...

The Iceman said...

Make yourself look stupid for a chance to tell me I'm an idiot. Good, tactical move, Seal.

Devin Harris has one bad year and all of a sudden he's shit? He's a guy who can go 15 and 8. As a backup PG that's pretty damn good.

MUDawgfan said...

Iceman - I think it's mixed feelings.
On one hand, prior to the teams recent run of making the playoffs for four years in a row, Joe was on some of the worst Hawks teams in recent memory. And he played hard, kept his mouth shut and stuck it out.
He made All-Star teams and didn't make an ass of himself and get arrested. Alot of people respected him for sticking it out and making it through the very lean years.

OTOH - he was very, very inconsistent in the playoffs and wasn't "clutch" at all. Many people saw the size of his contract and immediately wanted to put him down for 25 ppg in the playoffs and that almost never happened. Alot of it was horrible coaching by Mike Woodson, but Joe caught most of the flack.

It's a good move for all parties. Atlanta gets to start over and he gets to end his career playing for a big market team.

GMoney said...

The Hawks were in a tough spot. They weren't very flexible with their roster. They were always going to be a 4-6 seed in the East and they were never going get farther than the second round. And then the Comrade bailed them out and allowed them to somewhat start over. Although Danny Ferry with money to spend is a terrifying thought.

Brady said...

I don't have any insight into NBA trades as I'm too busy thinking about the Indians blowing it in the 7th and 8th inngins last night against Weaver. Damman feels my pain.

Anonymous said...

The only common pain that you and Damman share is the pain of a bruised tummy after a game of tummy sticks between the two of yourselves.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

So, it sounds like Broussard is a retard and that the Magic have no interest in this Nets proposal. Which I guess means...Iceman is right and Seal is wrong now.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Don't make me write another Fuck You post. Don't make me do it!!

GMoney said...

I hope that Orlando trades him to Charlotte or something just as a final fuck you. Trade him for BJ Mullens and three second round picks. Make him play out the year with garbage and hope that he blows out his back or something.

The Iceman said...

Good insight, MuDawg. I've always been curious about Johnson's reception in Atlanta. It seems you guys didn't hate him nearly as much as I do which is super disappointing.

Prime99 said...

I would enjoy another Hadoken of Hate from Iceman.

Anonymous said...

No details really to give about last night. I do, however, have one of the greatest and most touching (pun intended) hook up stories ever from my days in college. Complete with a moral and a lesson to be learned for everyone. But, that shall remain in the vault for future use.

Ide

Brady said...

Tummy sticks?

/googles Tummy Sticks
//throws up in mouth
///agrees to Tummy sticks if the Tribe makes the playoffs

Tonya said...

Would The Iceman be designated as the referee to validate that such said Tummy Sticks match went down?

Anonymous said...

A woman? The fuck? You see what happens when you faggots talk about tummy sticks. This is what G$ warned you guys about last week with the homophobic (fags! lolz) comments.

Since when are computers available in kitchens? Doesn't seem safe, nor practical.

Ide

GMoney said...

I am completely disoriented right now. A woman? HERE?

Drew, that was some pretty quick planning to throw a fishing trip together in honor of Andy Griffith becoming worm food. Well done.

Brady said...

I actually laughed at the 1950's stand-up that Deadspin posted of Andy Griffith. I'm not sure what that says about me.

Tonya said...

"Since when are computers available in kitchens? Doesn't seem safe, nor practical."

Wow, I didn't realize we were stuck in the 1950's, my bad. I suppose you are also narrow-minded enough to find it astonishing that a woman might like sports... and blogs. Gasp.

GMoney said...

Don't let them get you down, Tonya, you are immediately my favorite commenter here. The legendary Sinbad said it best: Men be all actin' like zombies at the mall.

Grumpy said...

This place could use some new blood, and a touch of femininity now that Dut is gone.

Anonymous said...

Is that a period joke?

Ide

The Iceman said...

How sure are we that Tonya isn't actually Dut in drag? I think it's very plausible.

Nice to see some new commenters here...but you DID somewhat associate me with tummy sticks so you're on thin ice with me, newbie.

Brady said...

LOL at period joke.

Whatevs. A woman commenter from time to time wouldn't be a bad thing. What are her team allegiances though. I can't handle anymore Appalachian mouth breathers.

Tonya said...

"Don't let them get you down, Tonya, you are immediately my favorite commenter here."

Thank you G$ for such an honor!

Not plausible Iceman... 1)I definitely have boobs 2)I'm not a complete douchebag.

I have allegiances to anything Cincinnati. That being said I love any game between 2 good teams.

Anonymous said...

Tonya..do you have any nudes to share?

--Drew

Tonya said...

Ummmm, no... I'm not really that type of girl. Sorry Drew!

GMoney said...

Please stop being creepy. We don't want to scare her off. We don't want to another Russian Cat Killer, do we? He popped in one day, said his piece about killing cats in Prime's hood, was awesome, and then disappeared forever.

The Iceman said...

No honeymoon period for Drew. He just dives right in with the nude photo requests.

Brady said...

Damn! Rusiian cat killer dude sounds awesome. I might have to dive into the archives for that one. Must have been before my time.

Tonya said...

Actually I'm kinda starting to like it here... Kind of homey feeling. Let me get a feel for everyone and then we can talk. Fair request, Drew?

Tonya said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tonya said...

So is it safe to assume that this is Ide's style... 2 quick one-liners and he's out?

Anonymous said...

Just like his style in bed....two quick pumps and he's out. (Grumpy told me)

--Drew

GMoney said...

Ide's style is not for the easily offended. It is an acquired taste that we've all unfortunately grown accustomed to.

I can't believe that we're over 50 comments deep on a post about Joe fucking Johnson.

Brady, I have no idea where the RCK post is in the archives, but it's there somewhere when Prime (who may not have actually gone by Prime at the time) was talking about his cat. RCK was/is ELITE!

The Iceman said...

You're right. This is WAAAAAY too many comments for a Joe Johnson post. I thought 35 tops. You know...how many shots it takes him to get his 20 points.

Anonymous said...

Oh snap. Two pumps into Grumpy was to avoid the impending cardiac arrest that was bound to happen if we kept going.

My first post is usually on topic, unless I have nothing of value to add, which is often. I normally verbally attack women, minorities, people from southern Ohio, Steeler fans, homosexuals, G$, black people, cancer patients, military types, facebook fags, domestic violence, liberals, coloreds, people with AIDs (gays), people who aren't me, old people, field hands, migrant workers, people named Skyler, the color magenta, slaves, people that have recently died or are dying, fat people, everyone on this site, people in my various fantasy leagues (dropped to third, fuck), Jewish people, Mulatto's, vegans or any other type of non meat eater, babies with terrible parents, non-whites, police, Lebron fans, Iceman, beagle owners, Asians, Nickleback, ugly women, homeless people, Obamacare, people that don't care for the size of my daily bowel movements, traffic, people of ebony color, Cleveland, and religious people. There are many others, but I wouldn't want to spoil all the fun.

Ide

Tonya said...

Wow, Ide, I was all wrong about you. You might just be my kind of guy! Very impressive stuff there, I can't think of one thing you might like. I think I might stay just based on your hate of just about everything!

Brady said...

Hahahaha. That was an ELITE list.

Prime99 said...

Just don't make fun of Train. Ide LOVES Train. Its a deal breaker.

Anonymous said...

Yup. ELITE list.
Seems to have turned Tonya on as well.

--Drew

Tonya said...

Maybe a little.

GMoney said...

The question remains...does Tonya love ribs (as much as Ide loves Train)???

Tonya said...

Who doesn't love ribs? I don't know if anyone can love anything more than Ide (apparently) loves Train, though! But I'm definitely up for a challenge if need be.

The Iceman said...

For those of you keeping track at home...that's over 60 comments on a Joe fucking Johnson post.

Prime99 said...

Don't give yourself too much credit... Tonya had more to do with it

Tonya said...

LOL... Is ok for me to feel somewhat like a celebrity right now? Or would it be more appropriate to feel like a female prison guard?