Tuesday, July 03, 2012
I was hoping to catch up with the HarBRAH's this week but it appears that they are frat boying it up at mommy and daddy's cabin on some uppity lake in Michigan that only snob fuck rich dicks have access to. Just know that you should refrain from eating a hot dog near the HarBRAH's lest you yearn to be called a homo loving cock chugger. So, I decided to make this post short and sweet and piss off Brady at the same time. Just when you thought you had seen the last NBA post.
I never thought I would mutter these words while still being able to control my own bowel movements. But.../gathers self...Danny Ferry is a God damn genius. By now you all have seen the fucking master piece Ferry threw together from what seems to be straight from the hip. Joe Johnson's nightmarish contract shipped to Brooklyn for a pile of expiring contracts and glorified 6th man Marvin Williams exported to Utah for a very underrated Devin Harris. I don't know how long Ferry's had this place in plan but I can just see him cackling like a maniac somewhere in Atlanta with his hair all frizzled and standing on end. Eyes all huge like he's trippin' balls. A smile wider than a hooker's vagina. I would guess he's probably naked, too. Because that's what crazy people do. But God damn...what a move (assuming it goes through and isn't vetoed by a cock face commissioner).
Let's not kid ourselves. Atlanta got absolute shit for talent from Brooklyn in this exchange which means that the Hawks are going to blow for probably the next few years (sorry MuDawg...it's true). But Hawks fans HAVE to be pumped to be able to give the hardest middle finger they can fucking muster to Joe Johnson as he heads to Brooklyn. Congratulations. You have been released from Joe Johnson purgatory. Because here is a FACT...Johnson is not that good of a player. And back in 2010 when I saw what Atlanta gave him with pretty much NO ONE offering Johnson even close to that, my testicles nearly burst. For such an average player to get blindly sky hooked such a lucrative deal was one of the most puzzling moves I've ever seen. Ever. But now, in the words of William Wallace: "FREEDOM!"
Here is why I love this move so much. It's twofold: First, Atlanta fans don't have to defend Joe Johnson anymore. He's someone else's headache, now. It's okay, you guys. Let go. Free yourself from the persecution! Go ahead and lump him in with the Tracy McGrady's and Vince Carter's of the world where he belongs. It's so liberating!! The more Joe Johnson haters walking the earth, the better this place is to live. I fully believe that. I bet you're all wondering why I hate Joe Johnson so much and the answer is simple. I have no fucking idea. He's just one of those guys I have never liked. Just the sight of his face sends me into a tailspin of negative emotion and endless rage. And I don't know why! And I hate him for that, too!
Second. With this move, Brooklyn basically told Dwight Howard to cram his Nets trade request up his crap factory. Correction. Not pretty much...they totally did. Found this little nugget and was so pleased when I read it. "Of recent attempts to re-engage the Magic on trade talks for Howard, one source told ESPN.com: "They didn't want to dance with us. Dwight blew it in March (when he opted in to the final year of his current Magic contract)." God, I fucking love it. Make Smiles McElbows fucking rot in Orlando or in the city of whatever chump ass team takes him. Sorry Dwight. Once Brooklyn re-signs D-Will they're out of loot you dirty son of a bitch. Serves him right.
So there it is. Let's talk about some NBA off season. Anyone hate Joe Johnson with as much fevered passion as I do? Anyone else get a sexual tingle in their penis head when Brooklyn fucked over the most hated douche in the NBA? What about Anthony Davis already getting hurt? Is there a unibrow joke buried in there somewhere? I'm TOTES on team Ferry with this trade. Where's everyone else? Oh yeah...happy 4th of July and stuff. GO JOEY CHESTNUT!!!