Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Run For Your Lives!!!

                               Fat, ugly people are always the first to go.




Before I get started, there's something you all should know about me. I fully believe one day a virus that transforms the dead into the undead will be created.  Like...legit believe that. Most people just chuckle and play along like I'm delightfully clowning when I reveal this vision of mine. The moment they realize I'm fully sincere it usually becomes pretty awkward for them. It's pretty funny to watch the mood flip from "HaHa" to "What a God damn fuckin freak" in a millisecond.  But I TOTES don't give a fuck.  The reason I'm telling you this is A) I don't give a fuck if you shaft shiners rip on me for it since we've already established I'm the smartest motherfucker here. And B) it directly ties into what I'm writing about today.

Now, I've been a believer for years that people are too damn smart for their own good.  We dabble in shit we probably shouldn't be and take chances on ridiculous ideas that may or may not work.  What we can do with technology all the way down to every day household items is getting pretty fucking scary.  It's like...this could make your missing hair grow back.  But it could also make your arms sprout baby penises from the shoulders to the wrists.  Decision time.  How important is getting your hair back?  Meh...I guess I'll just wear long sleeves if the whole arm penis garden thing happens.

Think about it.  All it's going to take is some crack pot scientist who just cannot find a way to cope with losing the person he cares about the most.  Hello extra curricular late night shifts alone in the lab attempting to create a serum that can solve all my depression issues!  Admit it.  It's not a crazy idea.  Shit...10 years ago you couldn't take pictures on a cell phone.  Now you can make your own home made porn in 3D on a cell phone and share it with a guy in Pakistan who plans on beating off to it while the neighbor's goat licks hummus off his ball sack.  Tell me in 10 more years there won't be even more mind blowing shit happening.  But I'm getting away from the point...

Basically what I'm saying is that I have a pretty intense fascination when it comes to all things zombie. So when I received a text from my brother last October asking me if I was interested in paying $70 for a chance to run from zombies on an obstacle course in the middle of a wooded area, my response was simple.  "I'm listening.  Tell me more..."  What I got back was this link.  As you can tell (if you clicked on the link I so conveniently provided for you), there is a brilliant individual out there who was able to capitalize on a fucking tremendous idea.  The zombie 5k run...and I was a participant this last Saturday just outside of Indianapolis.  Here are a few highlights.

- One thing I learned about myself after driving 4 motherfucking hours one way for a 5k race, is that I will do just about anything when it comes to quenching my zombie obsession thirst.  I woke up at 5:30 in the morning in order to be able to drive there and make my wave on time.  Guess what.  I would do it again  It was that awesome.

- I randomly ran into 2 guys I went to high school with after I was done running.  That was pretty trippy.

- Another thing I learned is that running 3 miles a day, 5 days a week for 2 months does absolutely nothing to prepare you for a race of this caliber.  I was told back in January that I should train as if I were doing a half marathon.  As soon as the dildo who told me that turned around I fuckin air wanked the shit out of him and blew a sizable air load onto his back.  Well...it appears that the joke was on me.  This race was 3 days ago and as of the time I'm writing this, it still feels like I was shot putted into a brick wall about a thousand times.  Mental note:  Next time less air wanking, more half marathon training.

- To answer your question, yes.  It was worth every God damn penny spent and worth every last mile driven.  I've already decided if it comes back around to this area, I'm going again no questions asked.  Once you're on the course path, the feeling is so surreal.  I actually felt the adrenaline surging through me and a pretty intense sense of fear creeping up every time I turned a corner and saw a 15 to 30 sized zombie hoard waiting for me.  I shit you not, everything felt more real than I ever thought it could.  Not one zombie volunteer broke character which honestly totally made the experience.  Nothing would have been worse if these assholes weren't taking their shit seriously and just acting like normal people.

- I got fucking electrocuted.  You read that right.  One of the obstacles was a big barn in the middle of the course.  We had to climb through the window and maneuver our way to the other side.  There were wires inside of a barn hanging from the ceiling with an electric current running through them that actually brought me to my knees.  Since the barn was pitch black there was no possible way to know the wires were live until it was way too late.  I later found out that a runner in the wave before me actually had a seizure and had to be rushed out by ambulance. The whole "sign this waiver" shit we did right when we arrived was starting to make a whole hell of lot more sense at that point.

- And finally, I lived.  When you receive your race packet, inside is a running bib, timing chip and belt with 3 orange flags.  The flags are your life and the point is not only to finish, but finish with flags...or alive.  It wasn't until I looked around and realized that my brother and I were in the small minority of those who still had flags at the finish line.  That was a really cool feeling for some reason...and here's the explanation I came up with why it felt so awesome to be alive.

I think it was mostly because when I hit 30 (those of you who have reached this milestone know EXACTLY what I'm talking about) I noticed that I couldn't do some of the things athletically I was used to doing before with relative ease.  Basketball made my knees sore.  Running made my ankles ache for days.  Weight came on a shit ton faster than it came off.  It's pretty depressing when you come to the realization that you aren't the same athlete as you were at 20.  Watching your body break down and knowing that there isn't much you can do to stop it absolutely fucking blows...especially if you like staying active like I do.

So at 32, for me to not only run a 5k, but run a 5k while climbing rope walls and sprinting through streams that came up to my knees and getting fucking electrocuted by live wires and clawing my way up enormous hills all while being chased by about 1,000 zombies AND making it across the finish line alive with flags intact was a incredibly empowering experience.  It told me that I don't give myself enough credit.  It told me I can still do shit like this even though I'm getting older.  It told me that I'm not as washed up as I thought I was 6 months ago when I couldn't run without the aid of two knee braces.  It told me that I have way more left in the tank.  And that is a fucking great feeling to have.  In one of the few "serious" posts I will ever put up here, I urge every one of you to try something like this if given the chance.  Prime, you've got two races coming your way if you're anywhere near San Diego or Olympia.  Do it.  Seriously.  Most people will just snicker at this and say something like, "Dude...it's just fuckin zombies.  Stop being such a fag.".  But it's really more than that.  It's a confidence boost that all of us need every once in awhile when we're feeling crappy about getting old.  It was for me anyway.  Alright...enough of the lame shit.  TITS!

55 comments:

Grumpy said...

With or without zombies you accomplished something. You should be proud of yourself.

Now get in the lab and figure out how to give me the erections I had when I was 20.

The Iceman said...

It would be my pleasure to give you the power of 20 year old Grumpy boners. I just can't promise your dick will stay attached to your body.

GMoney said...

I can assure that you Prime lives nowhere near San Diego or Olympia. Somebody get this guy a fucking map!

Would you ever consider being a zombie volunteer? I think that that would be an even better experience as it gives you a license to maul.

I'm not a hater. That sounds fun as shit. Just don't tell Jeff Pearlman about it since he finds all 5K runners to be pussy-ass bitches.

Did you dress like Deputy Dipshit Carl Grimes???

The Iceman said...

I'm nowhere near Indianapolis but it didn't stop me from going. I drove a total of 8 hours that day to run for 45 minutes. Where's the commitment??

I would definitely be a volunteer. It would be tiring as shit since it was about 90 degrees out for my race. But yeah...still fucking rad.

I dressed normally but you did have the jackasses there dressed up in costumes. I saw a guy in a green man suit. Great idea considering how hot it was. There was Bane, that dude from Reno 911 with the nuthuggers (never liked that show), several Shaun of the Dead characters and many many Walking Dead references.

GMoney said...

So how did the zombies move? Were they able to sprint after their prey or did they have to shuffle slowly? Did they fake bite? Did they smell like Kendrick Perkins' jock (which I assume is an atrocious odor)?

Not to get too far off topic (although I am) but Juwan Howard said yesterday that:
*the Heat "shocked the world" (by meeting expectations apparently) and
*that this "title" that "he" won was dedicated to Webber, Ray Ray, Jalen, and Jimmy King

Juwan Howard is awful.

Anonymous said...

Good message Iceman....mainly it was a good message for G$, who a few weeks ago acted like 30 is the new 90 in years of age. Like you pretty much said, it's just a mindset issue....ie...don't be a fucking pussy.

That does sound fun. If you ran into a group of zombies, could you lose all of your flags at once or would they only take one? I know you said the shock brought you to your knees...but, just how bad was it? This seems like the type of thing that only white people would find humor in....see any black people?

--Drew

The Iceman said...

The movements of the zombies were all different. Just like I imagine they would be in reality. Some were fast, some would chase you, others just shuffled slowly and swiped at you and there were even crawlers. They had the movements down perfectly. If one person ran up as a distraction, that zombie locked into that one guy or girl and ignored the rest of the group. No fake biting though. It was pretty incredible.

Drew, the zombies could take as much as they could grab but they usually only would get one at a time since people were pretty much sprinting by them. I would do my best Roger Craig impression when going through a large hoard. There's a guy out there somewhere with at least 5 jammed fingers because of that move. My brother led some zombie bitch right into a tree while she was running full speed. It was tremendous.

The shock was stronger than grabbing an electric fence. I felt my whole body seize up and my left arm was numb for what felt like the next 20 minutes. I'm not gonna lie...it was pretty painful.

That's a great assessment, Drew. Now that I think back I saw one black kid...and he was mixed. Running from zombies is definitely a white person thing.

Prime99 said...

Between yesterday and today, Iceman has shown that his concepts of time and distance are not ELITE.

However, I do like where your head is at and the race sounds awesome. I'm assuming you did not run into Carl and/or Lori. There is no way you would've survived had you come across either.

GMoney said...

Prime, remind that asshole that both of those locations are at least a 9-10 hour drive one way for you.

Shit bitch, I hit the gym 6 days a week...I ain't no pussy. I can bench press a car. But then again, I only do it so that when I'm finished with my workout, I can yell "NOW I'M DONE"!

Funny thing about your black question: There are now 3 cases in this country of attempted people eating and they are all black people trying to eat white people. Do we taste like fried chicken? BOOM!

Prime99 said...

San Diego is 8 hours and Olympia is fucking... I don't know... 15 hours away?

The Iceman said...

Sack up, Prime. You can't take a vacation and shoot down to Saint Diago for a week? Shit. I would. If nothing else you get to hang out in a beach community for a week. That's cool...I guess just get the next zombie race that may or may not hit the west coast again...

I was praying that I saw someone dressed like Daryl with a zombie ear necklace. No dice.

Anonymous said...

You know, I see these things all over the place. Tough Mudder, Warrior Dash, Zombie Run, et al. And, they actually look really cool/fun, but a pain in the ass to actually get involved with. Though, I have often thought of joining up to one.

However, since you inexplicably did this without our prior knowledge, I tip my cap. Since you can get electrocuted, I think you should be able to fight back as well, that would be tits.

Ide

Anonymous said...

This response to my question from Iceman cracked me up....

"The shock was stronger than grabbing an electric fence."

Is it common for people to have grabbed electric fences at some point in their lives? Were you raised by cows?

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I can field that question, yes, it's common. Have you never been to a farm before, ever? It's not like it's a Jurassic Park fence, they are like 5-10 volts.

Getting electrocuted in a zombie race is just awesome. That guy who had a seizure is a fucking pussy.
How can you even be a man after that? People will ask him how it went and he will have to shamefully admit that he was disqualified from being electrocuted. God, I wish I knew that guy just to laugh at him.

Ide

Anonymous said...

As this video shows, black people didn't show up to the Zombie run, because they probably think zombies are real.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4awVqRr1eCo

I was thinking the same thing about fighting back. I would imagine that some people get such an adrenaline rush that they feel the need to lower a shoulder or punch a zombie. Did that happen?

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Did you and your BRAH stick together? Because in a zombie apocalype, I'm told that you should stay in groups. Now here's the tough question: if it was necessary would you have pulled out your Shane Card and Otis'd him to survive? Do you realize that you are already infected? Did you get an HJ from the deranged chick?

So many questions!

Anonymous said...

Ide...I've been to a few farms, but I tend to avoid them like I avoid churches. Usually they go hadn in hand as well, which makes them doubly terrible. I still was never directed to go grab an electric fence while I was on these visits.

If G$ is willing to do the zombie run next year, I'm in.

--Drew

Brady said...

Zombie race sounds awesome! I don't care if you know the whole thing is fake. When you get in the heat of the race and see the undead actually chasing you, shit gets real FAST!

Jared and I constantly have the zombie discussion. I contend that there are WAY more pressing issues to worry about than the undead. In no particular order here are my potential global catastrophies to worry before zombies.

Asteroid- This has been glorified on the silver screen to the point where people think it is actual fiction. Unfortunately they couldn't be further from the truth. There is an army of astronomers that works 365 days a year watching the sky for flying rocks. Some estimate that they have only located 5% of the threat to date. The earth is riddled with craters that serve as a grim reminder of the danger our planet faces. A rock the size of a football field would RUIN our shit. It's a game of celstial target practice out there and one day Earth is going to lose.

Super Volcano- Yellowstone National Park is a ticking time bomb. In the last 20 years, the ground has raised almost 2 FEET due to magma pressure. When that thing blows, the earth will be sent into another ice age. I will be praying for a zombie to eat my face rather than starve to death in a winter wonderland.

AI- Jareds point about cell phones was a good one. Technology expotentially gets better every decade. One day, not to far off, machines will be smart enough to start making their own intelligent decisions. Once they figure out that humans are the only entity standing in the way of world domination, it won't take long to wipe us out.

Water- The last, and maybe most horrible option of them all, is the loss of fresh water. People have no idea that the world is in deep shit. Once the aquifers and rivers can't support our growing population, water will turn into the new gold. A mad max situation would develop in no time. Nukes, civil war and mass hysteria would claim our civilization in no time.

As you can see zombies aren't really that scary now. Will some mad scientist come up with an undead syrum? Maybe. But I am much more terrified by the above possibilities.

I'm also terrified by the Indians offense in the last 4 games. Fucking season may be going up in smoke right before my eyes.

The Iceman said...

Wow. A lot to tackle here.

Drew, grow up in a place like Napoleon and you'll understand the electric fence sitch. Those fuckers are everywhere.

"How can you even be a man after that? People will ask him how it went and he will have to shamefully admit that he was disqualified from being electrocuted"

That is the very first thing I thought of. Have fun telling everyone how you couldn't finish. Enjoy getting ripped on for eternity. There was also a chick I saw who sprained her ankle halfway through and was on the ground in significant pain. It was pretty hilarious watching myself, as well as every other runner, not even skip a beat while running by her not even offering assistance. She was dead and we all knew it. It was almost like she wasn't even there. Survival mode, bitch.

LS, you're not allowed to touch the zombies...technically. But there were several people (myself included) who got caught up in the moment. I watched one guy (about 260 lbs) lower his shoulder at a girl who couldn't have gone more than 130. She wisely got out of his way. Another zombie girl got completely steam rolled by another chick in our group. THAT was awesome to watch. Every time a zombie would reach for my flag I would slap the hand away the best I could or give a nasty swim move. It was just instinct. No punching or stiff arming that I saw, but that's not to say that it didn't happen. But I think for the most part these zombie volunteers knew there was going to be some contact...they just didn't realize how much contact.

G$, we did stick together and usually traveled in a pack of no less than 10 people. If you were dumb enough to attempt any solo runs you were straight fucked. It was pretty incredible to watch people's survival instincts kick in and start working together for a common goal. These people were complete strangers to us and in about 10 minutes it was like we had known them forever.

The Iceman said...

MONEY SHOT ZOMBIE RUN! I'm on the mailing list for Run For Your Lives so the next run that comes through I'll let all you bastards know.

Who's this Jared fella?

Anonymous said...

There is one in Pittsburgh on 9/1/2012, if anyone feels like 2 months is enough time to PREPARE. I'd be in, a scant 2 days before my 30th birthday to prove how much of a man, or bitch, I really am. However, looking ahead, two major problems come out. 1) That's the start of OSU football season, and I'd rather be anywhere than Pittsburgh and 2) It's Pittsburgh, telling zombies from actual inhabitants could be troublesome.

Ide

GMoney said...

I was just thinking the same thing: Who the fuck is Jared?

Not gonna happen on 9/1. Zombies are great but college football is better.

YES! This is going to be a real thing. Time for The Money Shot to give back a little. The next nearest (within 4-5 hours from Columbus) one of these, we are IN. Not to sound like too big of a tool, but this sounds so fucking cool.

The Iceman said...

Hmmmm. That's only 4 hours from me. I would go again if we could round up some people...

GMoney said...

I will not be Otis'd.

Anonymous said...

Uhhh....yeah....I'm gonna be too busy laughing at G$ and Grumpy's Miami Redhawks getting made to look like fools by Braxton Miller to run from zombies in Pittsburgh.

Who knew Brady was so bat shit crazy? I'll hit on your points...

*Asteroid -- I could see this happening. Wanna know how many fucks I give? Zero. If it hits then we're all gonna be gone almost instantly anyways, so who gives a fuck.

*Yellowstone Super Volcano -- These appear to happen every 20million years or so. No fucking way am I worrying about this.

*AI -- Robots are not going to turn on us and take over the world. This is an insane thought.

*Water -- Reduce, Reuse, Recycle was probably one of your nursery rhymes.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

So then Pittsburgh is out. Probably a good idea because 2 months is not even close to being enough time to train for this.

Sound like a tool all you want. It's cool as fuck. The only tools are the ones who make fun of the people who have the sack to participate in such a bitchin event. We need to get Brady to go so we can all witness his 6 flat 40 time. But for real...Money Shot zombie run. Count me in.

Anonymous said...

Going on their website your options are 7.5 hours to Toronto in exactly 3 months or 8 hours to Maryland in 4 months, or 2013.

Ide

Brady said...

I'm not batshit crazy! I just have a problem with watching the National Geographic and History Channels.

-Yellowstone is WAY over due for an eruption. The signs are there that it could happen again at any time. However, In geological terms, anytime can mean tomorrow or 100,000 years from now. I'm just saying the threat is there.

I would definitely be down for a Moneyshot zombie run but it sure as hell can't fall during a college football Saturday. Iceman (not Jared) seems to have his finger on the pulse of all things undead so let's see if he can work something out. If nothing else, we can all get together and eat meat/drink beer.

Anonymous said...

" If nothing else, we can all get together and eat meat/drink beer."

Unfortunately, if we schedule such an event it will probably happen on your Dad's half-birthday party day and you won't be able to attend.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

You guys should come to Olympia because that would be pretty close for you.

LOLZ Drew- good stereotypical burn on Brady!

Brady said...

But you are... half birthdays are real... I got nothing. I promise to attend any future Moneyshot gatherings. I'm never going to live down Ribfest.

GMoney said...

Drew, that was a terrific slam on Brady. Well played. Your dad only turns 53.5 once!

It's going to have to be in 2013 if we can pull this off. I'd be willing to go from Detroit-Chicago-Indy-Nashville-Pittsburgh and everything in between. I was going to stop at Louisville but Nashville is fucking awesome so I widened my net. However, I'm not giving up a football weekend for this.

The first time that I meet Brady face to face, I'm not even going to say Hello. I'm just getting the stopwatch out and telling him that he's got a minute to stretch.

Anonymous said...

I think a giant fuck you is in order to Iceman for not springing this shit on us earlier. As we have Zombie talk after every Dead episode, this should have been a no brainer for a get together.

ELITE slam, Drew.

Ide

Grumpy said...

Somebody needs to bet me I can't do this so I'll be motivated to get in shape one more time.

Anonymous said...

I'll begin the "Entice Grumpy To Die On Zombie Run" pool. I'll bet $ 50 he can't finish it. Add to the pool. It would be ELITE if Grumpy passes away while all of us are running from zombies.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

My bad, Ide. I'll allow it. I should have mentioned it. But now you all know and we can right a wrong. As long as it doesn't fall on Brady's dad's half birthday! LOLZ! Good one Drew.

Anonymous said...

I imagine the varicose veins and gaunt look that Grump would be sporting if he got in shape would convince the zombies he was one of them, hence, letting him pass through the course effortlessly and without incident.

And a picture/video of G$ doing this with gusto would almost be a shoe in for Big Brother. In fact, if we could get someone to capture him, braining a zombie, or trucking one into an electric fence, he can practically punch his own ticket to that house.

Ide

GMoney said...

I'll back The Ice on this one. He was sampling it first before recommending it. He didn't want to drag all of us to Buttfuck, IN if it was just a haunted cornmaze.

I've got another question: Is it constant running or is their strategy involved? Like after dodging one horde of undead, does your pack huddle up and formulate plan for the next wave? What I'm trying to say is I WANT TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW!!!

Prime99 said...

Unlike the real zombie apacalypse, this one is scheduled and gives you time to train. I'd probably also want to acquire firearm skills as well.

Grumpy said...

I just watched the video; Marine Corps boot camp would be easier. Fuck that shit. I'll just give Drew $50.

Brady said...

If I'm going anywhere in Indiana it's straight to Pawnee to run in the Swanson death race. It's a 5K through the town's parks while being chased by a band of Swanson's brandishing cross bow's and old timey rifles.

Brady said...

I just checked out the official "Run for your life" promo video and some youtube of people actually running the course. First off, the promo was fucking ELITE! Somebody knew what they were doing when putting that together.

The youtube's weren't nearly as cool but the race does look awesome. I can imagine the adrenaline is pumping pretty good when your running it. I think it is definitely something the Moneyshot should get together and do.

Anonymous said...

How about a gamma ray burst to destroy earth? That shit would suck. Basically having your skin melted off slowly. Not good. See Brady, I watch the History/Discovery Channel too.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Sweet....Grumpy is pretty much paying my entry fee. In his honor, I will wear a shirt or shorts (if they make you wear their shirt) with his smiling face on them during the zombie run. He will get me through the tough times everytime I look down and see his picture.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

I'm in as a spectator and official videographer.

Brady said...

Excellent point Damman. Gamma ray blast would suck. Getting sucked into one of those rogue black holes wouldn't be very fun either. I wanted to include deadly pathogen or plague as well but that was too close to the "zombie virus" Iceman talked about.

The Iceman said...

The plan when you start is constant running, G$. But you quickly realize (for me it was about the 1 mile mark) that running the whole time is pretty much fucking impossible unless you're a Kenyan. So we regrouped and made a different plan. It was dead sprint and juke your ass off through zombie hoardes then walk until you collected yourself. At that point, someone in the group would ask if everyone was good. If not then we would continue to walk. When everyone had caught their breath, light jogging would resume until another hoarde appeared. Then repeat until the race is over. There is a lot of team work that goes into this and it just kinda happens while you're out there with people. Groups form on their own and one person just starts taking control in order to maximize survival of the group. You latch onto those who run about the pace you are and it's your group vs. the zombies.

The Iceman said...

Forgot about this...There were also some designated human sacrifices in our group. After all of your flags are gone, you are infected but don't "change" until you cross the finish line. It's to prevent people from being dildos and just running around the course sabotaging other runners by stealing their flags. So if you had people in your group who were out of flags (by the time the race was ending we had many) they could distract the zombies by running right towards them and acting like they still had flags attached. By the time the zombie realized they were chasing an infected person without flags, the people still alive had already turned on the after burners to safety. Like I said...it was pretty cool watching all of this just kinda happen without much discussion.

GMoney said...

Let me guess: You were the Rick Grimes of the group...too much of a pussy to be the Shane.

Anonymous said...

I would totes be the Merle of the group.

Ide

The Iceman said...

I was the Rick Grimes...not because I'm a pussy but because I'm a FUCKIN SURVIVOR!

Anonymous said...

This was a phennomenel day at the Money Shot.

--Drew

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GMoney said...

5 bucks? Try "my entry fee into the zombie run" and then we'll talk.

Ide is more of a Dale. I call dibs on the T-Dawg!

The Iceman said...

Then that means Dut is TOTES Glenn. Completely expendable and does all the bitch work.