Thursday, June 14, 2012

Prepare To Be Disappointed

Chin up, Tom Brady, this isn't the end of the world.
As you all know, I have been on a quest to become America’s next big reality TV sensation for quite some time now. The journey has been filled with trials, tribulations, doubters, haters, supporters, and THE OVERRATED ELITE (this will be the name of my future boy band—in ALL CAPS of course; I call dibs). As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I should know either way if Big Brother wanted me around Memorial Day. Well, I know now. I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. Let’s get the bad news out of the way first.

All #BB14 semi finalists have been contacted. Finalist decisions have not been made yet.
— Robyn Kass (@Kassting) June 1, 2012
So the dream is over. Some-fucking-how they did not fall in love with this gorgeous mug. It’s their loss. Good luck trying to beat the Olympics in the Nielsen ratings without me, you FAGGOTS!!! It can not be done. I HELD THE KEY TO RATINGS DOMINATION. But, it’s not all bad news. Actually, I was able to come up with 10 facts that constitute good news!

10. I don’t have to leave She$ and the dog for 2-3 months. I’m writing this just in case the missus checks in today. Considering that she is halfway through a million hour work week, I doubt it. But still, I better be safe. Plus I’d really miss the dog and his love of trying to push me out of bed in the middle of the night.
9. I didn’t really want to do it anyway—I’m sorry, that is an absolute fucking lie because I TOTES WANTED THIS! And so did all of you.
8. Hey, at least now I get to watch the show and make snide remarks about how much better and more entertaining I am than the assholes that they picked over me. It’s going to be a weird summer in that aspect. I love this show. It is the best thing on in the summer. I hope that I can sit there for three hours every week and not carry any animosity toward it.

7. Now we can finally spend our income tax refund. The wife told me that we weren’t going to spend that money until we knew for sure if I was going to be on as it would help her out with bills and whatnot while I would be in the BB house. We are getting a new flatscreen for the bedroom and I get to pick it out. That is my kind of shopping. She can pick out the new fucking water heater. I don’t care about that.
6. Another year without my dong appearing on the internet. Here’s the thing about Big Brother: cameras are literally everywhere and they are constantly rolling. When you change clothes, it is all broadcast live throughout the world. There are numerous sites that aren’t hard to find that post stills of nudity in the house. It is a huge violation of common decency (but it can be arousing!). Keeping L’il $ covered up isn’t the worst thing in the world.
5. Drew promised to burn down CBS if they denied me. GO FUCKING GET ‘EM, KID!

4. I will be able to attend all of my fantasy football drafts this year AND DEFEND MY TITLES IN PERSON. As I mentioned after I won them, there will be a coronation ceremony and it will be extremely flamboyantly gay. I earned the right to be a Queen for a year, n-words.
3. I had lined up Andy K/Jionni to draft my DFL team. Now that is unnecessary. I dodged a YUGE bullet there! Thanks for volunteering though but YOU’RE FIRED!
2. I will be in attendance for the Miami/Ohio State football game (tickets have been secured) to watch the Urban Meyer Era start 0-1. This will be followed by me running onto the field (naked?) and spending the night in jail. I can’t wait.

1. Nothing about this blog will change. I was sort of worried about that; about new roles being carved for everyone. It’s sort of like how the Yankees were so used to having the man available in the 9th inning for 15 years and then all of a sudden, he was gone. In this analogy, I am blogging’s version of the greatest closer of all time. Fear not because my knee ligaments are just fine. I didn’t want to have to ask Iceman to go three days per week while Drew and Grumpy each take a day anyway. Yeah, that was my plan. Don’t worry; it isn’t going to be put into action.

Obviously, it’s disappointing as no one likes to be rejected but since they just sort of ignored my request to take their show to the next level, I’ll deal with it. It isn’t like I’m sitting here and contemplating the Junior Seau way out. He was a pussy. I am not! I said all along that I was only go to try this once and, while I meant it, who knows, maybe I’ll get the itch again in 6 months and will want to try one more time. So there you go; you won’t be able to brag about how you know a really famous person. You’ll just have to keep talking about the time that you wore a baja shirt with Gerald Laird down in Cincinnati. Again, sorry to disappoint and we have a wide following of lawyers here that can represent you in your arson trial, Drew.

23 comments:

Grumpy said...

Fuck those morons! In protest I won't jerk off to Julie Chen's picture anymore.

GMoney said...

After sleeping on it, I totes am blaming Grump for my exclusion (as I said that I would). Your bearded asshole face has cost me thousands of dollars and worldwide fame. I never should have used that picture!

Anonymous said...

If you would have used my idea, you would be on the show....just sayin'.

I believe CBS headquarters are in NYC, so on my way....let's stop up in Cleveland so that you can burn down the Q like you said you would do when LeBron bolted. I'll help you with that so that I can get some ideas as to the best way to burn down CBS.

On an unrelated note....some of us are lucky enough to be on Grumpy's Porn E-Mail Distribution List. Yesterday he e-mailed us a twitter picture. This picture was supposedly of Kim Kardashian....sitting naked on a bed eating some food. The picture was from behind so you couldn't see the face adn Kanye tweeted it.

Well, I investigated this a bit further and it was NOT Kim Kardashian. Kanye did tweet the picture but did it as a joke. The picture was actually of pornstar Amia Miley and she tweeted it back in January.

So, I went deeper into this investigation as looking at pornstars twitter accounts is very fun due to the pictures that they post of themselves whoreing out. Who do I find out is the boyfriend of Amia Miley? None other than THE UNIT. That's right...The Unit from Jersey Shore is fucking banging Amia Miley. Of course I then had to look at his twitter page and it was full of tweets from him bragging about Kanye tweeting a picutre of his bitch. I started looking at The Unit's pictures and he had one posted of Amia Miley laying on a bed in a bra and panties while holding a bag of ice on her pussy. I couldn't stop laughing at the genius of that picture.

I just had to share that info.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Drew. ELITE comment. These are the days I'm glad you're here.

You guys would love it if I posted 3 times a week....on second thought, fuck that. I couldn't do this shit more than once a week.

All you Columbus fags, I'll be out in about your dirtball city this Saturday if anyone is interested in getting drunk and form tackling bums.

The Iceman said...

Whenever Grumpy sends me email pics I'm highly concerned it's gonna be a picture of Raperberger in a string bikini or something super gay like that. I always open with caution.

Prime99 said...

Well, at least you finally got your RG3 jersey. Small consolation prize, though. CBS made a mistake!

Big Ben in a mankini is a horrifying possible image.

Drew's comment was fantastic and very good online research!

Prime99 said...

How about that savage performance by Matt Cain last night? If the Giants end up letting Lincecum go, they made the smart move to sign Cain (if they had to pick only one of the two.)

GMoney said...

Yeah, as soon as I got Grumpy's porno link of the day, I sort of figured that it was not true. Plus, I've seen Kim nude and sucking non-white penis plenty of times. The Unit's porn lady needing to ice her gash is about the most The Unit thing ever.

Anyone seen Snooki's vagina yet? That pic is circulating now. I've been avoiding it like the WNBA.

Drew, your idea would have led to a 10 minute video and me having to be nice to gays. That was not going to happen. We're going to need to buy a lot of lighter fluid though. And it was still Grump's fault.

My RGIII jersey showing up at the house yesterday was a very nice consolation prize. FINALLY I have something that I can wear to weddings.

I might as well address this, too. Matt Cain...STILL not an ace! Matt KANE...from hellfire and brimstone!

Anonymous said...

Iceman's coming down to Columbus on the day of the Gay Pride Parade. Coincidence? I think not. Text me as I should be out and about.

I've seen Snooki's vagina...wasn't bad considerring it was Snooki's vagina.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

What picture? I offered the help of a friend who produced TV commercials for a living. He would have produced the greatest audition vid ever.

Grumpy said...

What picture? I offered the help of a friend who produced TV commercials for a living. He would have produced the greatest audition vid ever.

Anonymous said...

Say it again Grumpy!

Here was your Wednesday Sandusky update. I'll try to get today's update in here at some point...

Then came a controversial mid-afternoon ruling by Judge John Cleland to allow hearsay evidence of a former Penn State janitor who while cleaning a football locker room alleged he saw Sandusky pin a "boy against the shower wall (while) licking on his privates."

--Drew

Brady said...

I don't understand how CBS could overlook G$. Was a link to this blog included? What dumb fuck producer could overlook all of the ELITE qualities that you could've brought to the table? I'm actually mad. Oh well. Now I don't have to watch Big Brother just like I haven't watched it the last decade. SCORE!!

Excellent Twitter advice Drew. I hadn't thought of following porn stars. Congratulations on creeping me out with another Sandusky trial update as well. HOw they don't just take him out back and put a couple rounds in his dome is beyond me. I DEMAND SATISFACTION! The details in this trial are fucking crazy.

Grumpy said...

How 'bout them Indians?

GMoney said...

Grump, your memory blows. Don't you remember that one of the pics I submitted with the application was the one with you, me, and The Big Guy in Oxford? YOU CRUSHED MY DREAMS, YOU WALKING CORPSE!

A link to this site was not included. I figured with as many FAGGOTS and casual racism here, they didn't need to see that before meeting me in person. It was an easy choice to omit this URL.

CBS can lick on my privates.

Anonymous said...

Brady....best porn star follow on twitter is Bibi Jones (girl in infamous Gronk photo). She tweets nude pictures daily....often they are pictures of her fingering herself.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

You can't blame me for your being fucking stupid. How did you think that picture would help you? Oh, look CBS, in my spare time I hang out with two old guys and watch mid-major football.

Please try again next year. I'm sure I can get The Big Guy to write, produce, direct and video the whole thing. If you saw a McDonald's, P&G or United Airlines commercial in the 90's it was likely produced by him.

Prime99 said...

Sandusky called himself "the tickle monster"- sick fuck.

GMoney said...

How is it stupid to pick a picture that makes me look like a Greek God???

Brady said...

Can I request your video submission be posted on the MS Facebook page? I feel we should all go over the game film to make sure you are selected next year.

Indians are making me sick with their play against the Reds.

GMoney said...

This year's video has been deleted. Sorry.

GMoney said...

Do yourself a favor and read Daulerio's destruction of Jay Mariotti over at Deadspin. ELITE!

Brady said...

Just read it. It is definitely ELITE.