Thursday, June 21, 2012

The Not-Quite-Midseason MLB Awards

I am no Steve W. Sparks.
OK, fellas, now I'm ready to talk about how a journeyman pitcher has taken over the world with the use of his trusty knuckleball.  RA Dickey!  What a story.  As I mentioned on Monday, I just finished his autobiography last week and it is a really good book and story.  He was molested multiple times as a child.  He carried that burden for over 20 years before coming clean.  He was born without that elbow ligament that James Andrews likes to fix and that cost him his entire signing bonus as a first round draft pick.  He gave up two home runs to Chris "Big Red" Shelton in one game.  He was told to go to the minor leagues and learn how to throw a new, weird pitch after never throwing one before.  He thinks that he has pitched in every minor league park in America.  He almost drowned while trying to swim across the Missouri River.  He managed to figure out the knuckler and now is dominating the game with it.  It's truly an incredible story of perseverance.  He is sort of a real life Rocky Balboa.  I'm rooting for the guy even if he is on Ide's fantasy team.

So with the season, I don't know, 10 weeks old, how about I give out some awards?  Let's start with an easy one:

Mike Miller Award for White Trashiest Player - Justin Verlander.  Hey, this is going to be easy!

AL MVP - Adam "Not Pacman" Jones.  Obviously, Josh Hamilton is the favorite here but the Rangers were going to be good with or without him.  The Orioles are still hanging around the top of the East and Jones is the biggest reason why.
NL MVP - Joey Votto.  This one didn't require too much internal debate.  I would like to stop hearing about how he's the best hitter ever or any of that junk.  He will never be as good as Matt Stairs.  I would also like to acknowledge the incredible play of Melky Cabrera in SF.  Who would have ever guessed that he would be a borderline All-Star?

AL LVP - Joe Mauer.  Blaming the size of their stadium is a pointless excuse that I'm not buying.  Mauer has 3 dingers this year.  Trevor Plouffe has 14.  It isn't the field, it's him.  FACT - Joe Mauer owns the worst contract in sports.
NL LVP - Ryan Zimmerman.  Go figure that both LVPs are on my 11th place terrible fantasy squad.  The Nationals are in first (I think) in spite of their best player being completely worthless.  And I mean that--Ryan Zimmerman is COMPLETELY WORTHLESS.

AL Rookie of the Year - Mike Trout
NL Rookie of the Year - Bryce Harper
These were not difficult awards to give out.  Fuck Yu.  The game is going to be just fine with these two leading the charge into the next generation.

AL Manager of the Year - Buck Showalter.  Robin Ventura is a distant second but the fact that Baltimore isn't on pace to lose 95 games is a miracle.
NL Manager of the Year - Don Mattingly.  They can't possibly keep this up but the Dodgers just keep winning in spite of having a team filled with Juan Pierres.  Chris Capuano is garbage.

Alan Trammell Memorial Worst Manager in the AL - Ron Gardenhire.  Although I want to take a moment to mention how much I hate Joe "Old Lesbian" Maddon.  Stop calling him a mad genius.  He bats Carlos Pena at lead-off and puts on shifts for every hitter.  That doesn't make one a genius.
Alan Trammell Memorial Worst Manager in the NL - Ozzie Guillen.  The Marlins should be better than this.  Maybe if their skipper wasn't a Commie then they would be.

AL Cy Young - Chris Sale.  No one else really jumped out at me here other than CJ Wilson and he will always be eliminated from awards because he doesn't drink.  Sale is ridic SICK.
NL Cy Young - Dickey.  With all due respect to Matt Kane and Cubs Dumpster, Dickey is flat out PWNing everybody.

AL Mike Maroth Award - Ubaldo Jimenez.  When it's a miracle that you walk less than 2 guys per game then you aren't a top of the rotation starter.  Period.
NL Mike Maroth Award - Tim Lincecum.  Now there is talk of Big Time Timmy Jim moving to the bullpen.  Someone get this guy some better weed. 

AL Octomom Award for Biggest Gash - Evan Longoria.  This pussy gets hurt every year.
NL Octomom Award for Biggest Gash - Troy Tulowitzki.  I feel like he does, too.  My point is that if you want to be a superstar and a face of the game then quit getting fucking hurt, you pansies.

AL Comeback Player of the Year - Kevin Millwood.  I honestly thought that he was dead and now he's out there throwing 67% of a no-hitter.
NL Comeback Player of the Year - Johan Santana. 

I hate the Comeback Player award.  They always give it to someone who came back from nothing.  Like this year they will probably give it to Adam Dunn who inexplicably has 23 home runs already.  Why are guys being rewarded for "coming back" from shittiness?  That is stupid.

That's it.  My pointless award show is now over.  If you're looking for something bad ass to watch this weekend then look no further than ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball telecast.  You could do a lot worse than watching RA vs. CC.  That game might last less than an hour.


Anonymous said...

I actually agree with almost all of these. Nice work. I am going to be a homer and say biggest gash has to go to either Grady or Hafner. Both of those assholes cant play more than 15 games without getting injured.

Grumpy - save your "Baseball sucks" comment and go change your terrible towel diaper.


Anonymous said...

I LOVE R.A. Dickey. How much religion is there in that book? I heard there is a bit of it. I'm interested in it, but don't feel like getting bible thumped while reading it.

AL MVP -- Adam Jones is a good pick.

NL MVP -- R.A. Dickey --# 2 in ERA, # 1 in Wins, # 2 in K's, # 1 in CG's. Yessir. He's also not a homosexual like Votto.

Agree with both of your LVP's. Fuck both of those guys. Worthless.

ROY's are also spot on. Who would you rather have for the next decade...Trout or Harper? I'm going Trout, but there isn't a wrong answer.

All four managers are spot on.

AL Cy Young -- Verlander and it's not even close. Only AL pitcher to be in the top five of IP (#1), K (#1), WHIP (#3) and ERA (#5). Sale has only pitched 80 innings...come on son.

NL Cy Young -- Knuckles

AL Mike Maroth -- Usucko

NL Mike Maroth -- Tiny Tim. Giants sure look smart spending the scrilla on Cain and not Tim.

Both gashes are fine.

Fuck Cumbath player of the year.


GMoney said...

There is quite a bit of religion but it's easy to gloss over. I just take it with a grain of salt. A man has to have a code. I want to read that book that Spielman wrote about his wife's death and moving on even if it is really preachy. Sometimes even Jesus can't fuck up a cool story.

But yeah, dude got raped by teenagers multiple times before he was ten. It's a hell of a story.

Harper is going to sell more tickets and merch, but I worry that he plays too balls to the wall. Trout might be the safer stud.

Did you appreciate my remembering of how shitty Mike Maroth was? ELITE reference!

Verlander is shit. He is out of the discussion after embarrassing the MVP award.

Grady and Hafner can't be the biggest gashes because they are both up for lifetime gash-chievement awards this year.

A pitcher for the Mets will never win the MVP. Come on, son!

Anonymous said...

Joe Mauer may be terrible but he sure does make awesome Head and Shoulders commercials!

GMoney said...

Head & Shoulders may eliminate pesky dandruff but it enhances your bi-lateral leg weakness.

Prime99 said...

It is absolutely insane how bad Timmy is. Even during August of 2010 he showed inconsistent he can be- but erased it with a savage playoffs and Giants championship. He now stinks worse than Sterculius, Roman god of feces.

I agree with just about all of your picks. As a fellow owner of Joey Sideburns, I feel your pain- though my pitching has carried my team and I'm doing fine, just fine.

RA Dickey said...

The inspiration behind my devistating knuckle ball came from all those years of getting pounded by teenage moose knuckle. "If moose knuckle could effectively destroy my tender b-hole just imagine what a different version of knuckle could do to MLB hitters.", I thought after reflecting on my innocence being ripped away.

Anonymous said...

I've heard the Spielman book is really good, but I could never read it since Hooley is the one that penned it. Fuck Hooley.

I remember Mike Maroth very well unfortunately.

I did not know that Dickey/Sabathia is Sunday Night Baseball. That is ELITE TV.

--Bad Ass MOFO

GMoney said...

Oh, RA, how could you forget that it was your female babysitter that molested you? No cocks at all (well, not until later at least). Nothing like being forced to chow your teenage sitter's box multiple times when you're 8. Jesus Christ, this is a fucked up world.

It almost makes me think that commenter RA Dickey is not the actual RA Dickey...almost.

RA Dickey said...

I focus on the penis side of things because that's what I love. Penis. Well, and knuckle balls. Don't let the wife fool you. The sour taste of vagina makes me gag uncontrollably.

Grumpy said...

I don't know a lot about baseball, but even I know Trout has more tools than Harper. So fuck you Seal.

Anonymous said...

Wait, he got molested by a teenage girl and pissed and moaned about it? It traumatized him? Fuck him, he is now on the trading block. I have other 20 game winners on my bench.

RA vs CC. Regardless of outcome, I win.


GMoney said...

Trout does not have MORE tools than Harper. They both define "five tool player".

I've got a problem and need your help. I assume that the Heat are going to win tonight. Thus, I need to pull the trigger at some point on my "Letter to LeBron". I also like to write my posts during the afternoon. I will not be waiting until midnight to write anything. However, if I wait until Monday (assuming they win tonight), that's too late. I take a blind leap of faith and have that monster post queued up for tomorrow win or lose or do I wait? It could be funny if I acknowledge his first title after they possibly get beat in game 5. And if it goes back to OKC, there is no guarantee that they win shit. What do you think? Fire away or hold off???

GMoney said...

Ide, even the most heartless non-Sandusky family member can say that an 8 year old boy should not be getting sexual with a teenage girl (who probably was not attractive).

Brady said...

ELITE mention of the professional hitter Matt Stairs. I still remember playing Triple Play on the old PS2 back in college when the announcer would call him the "professional hitter" every time he came up to bat.

I also have to agree that Votto has a homosexual vibe to him. They guy is definitely the best hitter on the planet right now but he totes has those "come fuck me in the pooper" eyes. It makes me a tad uncomfortable even watching from my couch.

Ubaldo has been ALOT better his last three starts. Hopefully he has figured it out this season (although it's got to be tough with all that crazy motion of his). Masterson was lights out last night as well. If the Tribe has any chance of contending, those two dudes need to lead this rotation like they are being paid to do.

Ozzie Guillen may be the worst human being on the planet. He probably leads a terrorist sleeper cell in his spare time.

Anonymous said...

I think G$ should drink during teh game tonight and write it as it goes....let that anger out.

--Bad Ass MOFO

Anonymous said...

Call it a quick introduction to manhood. QUESTION: Would you rather be fiddled with by a babysitter (so many pornos have started this way) and flourish as an MLB pitcher, making millions, or not be fiddled with and lead a normal life?


Grumpy said...

Fire away on the Letter to LeBron. It's even funnier if they lose, which they won't.

Johnny Bench is gay.

Prime99 said...

Just bring it hard and fast on LeBron- just like RA Dickey did on his female baby sitter back in the day.

GMoney said...

I think that I would choose the normal life/not getting raped option because I am anti-rape. If your choose the babysitter, you are also accepting the teenager that took you to pound town behind a barn when you were throwing pop-ups to yourself.

Johnny Bench is gay???

I'm leaning toward holding off on that post at the moment.

Anonymous said...

Ide....that babysitter can make me eat her pre-pube pussy out all night long if I'm going to make millions of dollars later in life throwing a baseball.


GMoney said...

Fuck it, I'm writing my LeBron letter for tomorrow.

Brady said...

I'm with Drew. I'll take some akward pre-pube pussy for millions of dollars. Think of the bragging you could do to your douchebag 8 year old friends!

Ben Roethlisberger said...

Did someone say rape?

Anonymous said...

How old is 8 years old really? I could have probably outran a 15 year old girl, especially in the country. Then again, I was a world class athlete who led my team in stolen bases at that age, and later went on to do very little athletically. But I didn't get fondled by a babysitter, come to think of it, I didn't even have a babysitter at 8.


GMoney said...

Ide, goddammit, he was forced to do a lot of shit to his 15 year old female babysitter on many occasions AND was actually raped by some random teenage guy while he was playing catch by himself.

Give me the normal life over that.

Tomorrow's post is written. If Miami loses tonight, it will be hilarious and such a waste of time. Blind leap of faith!

Jerry Sandusky said...

Can you go into more detail about that guy on guy rape session. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Nice to see that even amidst a home run rape case, Jerry Sandusky can still find time to comment.