|I am no Steve W. Sparks.|
So with the season, I don't know, 10 weeks old, how about I give out some awards? Let's start with an easy one:
Mike Miller Award for White Trashiest Player - Justin Verlander. Hey, this is going to be easy!
AL MVP - Adam "Not Pacman" Jones. Obviously, Josh Hamilton is the favorite here but the Rangers were going to be good with or without him. The Orioles are still hanging around the top of the East and Jones is the biggest reason why.
NL MVP - Joey Votto. This one didn't require too much internal debate. I would like to stop hearing about how he's the best hitter ever or any of that junk. He will never be as good as Matt Stairs. I would also like to acknowledge the incredible play of Melky Cabrera in SF. Who would have ever guessed that he would be a borderline All-Star?
AL LVP - Joe Mauer. Blaming the size of their stadium is a pointless excuse that I'm not buying. Mauer has 3 dingers this year. Trevor Plouffe has 14. It isn't the field, it's him. FACT - Joe Mauer owns the worst contract in sports.
NL LVP - Ryan Zimmerman. Go figure that both LVPs are on my 11th place terrible fantasy squad. The Nationals are in first (I think) in spite of their best player being completely worthless. And I mean that--Ryan Zimmerman is COMPLETELY WORTHLESS.
AL Rookie of the Year - Mike Trout
NL Rookie of the Year - Bryce Harper
These were not difficult awards to give out. Fuck Yu. The game is going to be just fine with these two leading the charge into the next generation.
AL Manager of the Year - Buck Showalter. Robin Ventura is a distant second but the fact that Baltimore isn't on pace to lose 95 games is a miracle.
NL Manager of the Year - Don Mattingly. They can't possibly keep this up but the Dodgers just keep winning in spite of having a team filled with Juan Pierres. Chris Capuano is garbage.
Alan Trammell Memorial Worst Manager in the AL - Ron Gardenhire. Although I want to take a moment to mention how much I hate Joe "Old Lesbian" Maddon. Stop calling him a mad genius. He bats Carlos Pena at lead-off and puts on shifts for every hitter. That doesn't make one a genius.
Alan Trammell Memorial Worst Manager in the NL - Ozzie Guillen. The Marlins should be better than this. Maybe if their skipper wasn't a Commie then they would be.
AL Cy Young - Chris Sale. No one else really jumped out at me here other than CJ Wilson and he will always be eliminated from awards because he doesn't drink. Sale is ridic SICK.
NL Cy Young - Dickey. With all due respect to Matt Kane and Cubs Dumpster, Dickey is flat out PWNing everybody.
AL Mike Maroth Award - Ubaldo Jimenez. When it's a miracle that you walk less than 2 guys per game then you aren't a top of the rotation starter. Period.
NL Mike Maroth Award - Tim Lincecum. Now there is talk of Big Time Timmy Jim moving to the bullpen. Someone get this guy some better weed.
AL Octomom Award for Biggest Gash - Evan Longoria. This pussy gets hurt every year.
NL Octomom Award for Biggest Gash - Troy Tulowitzki. I feel like he does, too. My point is that if you want to be a superstar and a face of the game then quit getting fucking hurt, you pansies.
AL Comeback Player of the Year - Kevin Millwood. I honestly thought that he was dead and now he's out there throwing 67% of a no-hitter.
NL Comeback Player of the Year - Johan Santana.
I hate the Comeback Player award. They always give it to someone who came back from nothing. Like this year they will probably give it to Adam Dunn who inexplicably has 23 home runs already. Why are guys being rewarded for "coming back" from shittiness? That is stupid.
That's it. My pointless award show is now over. If you're looking for something bad ass to watch this weekend then look no further than ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball telecast. You could do a lot worse than watching RA vs. CC. That game might last less than an hour.