Monday, June 18, 2012
Actually, before we get going, I couldn't secure an interview with Jerry Sandusky. Honestly, nothing that I could say would be any worse than what has already been said in court. Raspberries? Soaping clinics? THE FUCKING TICKLE MONSTER? I can't top that. This whole story continues to be the worst. That guy needs to be sawed in half. Onto the news...
Mewhort/Stoneburner - Remember when these guys got arrested for waving their penises at traffic during The Memorial? Well, it was something like that. Urban 3:16 decided to yank their scholarships for the Summer as punishment. This sounds good but is quite transparent as a slap on the wrist. Are these guys even taking classes over the Summer? If not, then this means nothing. And I guarantee that they won't be walk-ons once school starts in August. But, it's at least something so I'll give him a little credit. One thing that will be interesting to follow: I have learned that one of the Fuckeyes superstars could be looking at a "violation of team rules" coming up. I made a promise to my source not to divulge anything further, but I will be disappointed if nothing happens to this guy after seeing that Urban is willing to publicly shit on two guys that pissed in a parking lot. Let 'em live, Urb. And if you want to know what I know, don't even bother asking me when I'm sober.
The Hokester - I was driving home from work on Wednesday and the first story on the Sportscenter update was about Urban throwing out the first pitch in that night's Indians/Reds game in Cincinnati (because that is HUGE). The second story was how Brady Hoke referred to the Fuckeyes as "Ohio State" at a football camp earlier that day. THIS IS APPARENTLY NEWS AROUND HERE. What a fucking cowtown this is. "You only call it a cowtown because it was founded by a cow."--Lenny Lenford. This city sucks.
Best LB of the 90's? - The Big Ten Network was on one of the TVs at Ugly Tuna (shitty bar) on Saturday night and they had this show on. They rated Simeon Rice as the best LB in the Big Ten from the 90's. That's fucking weak sauce. Lavar Arrington was 2 and he should have been one and Pat Fitzgerald should have also been ahead of Rice (who was more of a goddamn DE anyway). I really like shows like this and it led to our group sharing a few barbs about Andy Katzenmoyer's class schedule. No one was more aware of AIDS than Andy!
MAY THE FORCIER BE WITH YOU - Oh, Tate, when did it all go wrong for you? I actually know the date. 9/15/2009 to be exact. Mr. Ace is the best. Anyway, after just leaving San Diego State this past year, The Force tried his luck in the CFL. Well, after one preseason game in which he threw 4 incomplete passes, Tate was relieved of his duties as a Hamilton TigerCat. The Forcier will forever be with us, but it is no longer with Tate. Tate Forcier is shit. Nice skull cap, homo.
US Open - Ugh, Tiger sure did skeet all over his face on Saturday, didn't he? If whoever won warrants mention today then feel free to talk about it. I know that I probably won't because I'd rather watch basketball than prime time golf.
NBA Finals Game 3 - I expect a monster night from Russell Westbrook and an OKC victory. Iceman and I had a fairly good conversation about the NBA the other night and I had way more to say before his party bus left but it is probably better left said in a future post. Needless to say, I could write a book about my feelings on LeBron (and for the record, I have very little negative to say about the serial killer out there now). Speaking of the NBA, what about that guy that got drafted before Kevin Durant...
Greg Oden is ELITE - So let's get to that final story, eh. We're at Ugly Tuna (not by choice) and this is apparently a place that has given commenter Drew a lifetime ban from their premises (can't wait to hear that story). Anyway, Ice had just bought a round of Jager shots (gross) when a massive black dude walks in and, to his sexy credit, G$ is quick to point out the Greg Oden-ness of Greg Oden. This is going to sound strange, but he doesn't look that big. Obviously, he is a legit 7 foot tall, but I expected that to look taller than it was. He wasn't limping around at all and just took a seat at the bar with a few friends. A few notes about this:
-Iceman's buddy commented how shocked he was that Oden was not with a white girl. We all nodded in agreement. Racist?
-Iceman himself kept talking about how much he wanted to compare dicks with the great Oden snake. That was a bit uncomfortable.
-Damman wondered if Oden being at a college bar was sad and/or pathetic. I came to Oden's defense because I believe that he's back trying to finish his degree while rehabbing and getting ready for 2013 and he wasn't making a scene. He was just sitting with friends. It wasn't like he grabbed the DJ's mic and screamed "WHO AM I? PETEY PAB MOTHERFUCKA!" He was just trying to blend into the crowd as much as 7 foot black guy with a huge dong and millions of dollars could do. I'll allow it.
-Damman bought him a shot. Bold move considering we were JUST TALKING ABOUT how Oden had a problem with alcohol while in Portland (that Titus wrote about for Grantland). ELITE enabling right there!
-Iceman just walked up to Oden and wished him the best of luck in his comeback. Oden said that he appreciated the kind words. Then they shook hands. It might have been the only time that Iceman has even shown compassion and empathy for his fellow man.
In the end, Oden seemed like a good dude. I am rooting for him even though it looks like he might be trying to grow out dreads (don't do it, Greg). What we learned today is that between Ted DiBiase and Francisco Cervelli and Greg Oden, only the best of the best come out to play when the Money Shot Maniacs get together. The way that things have been going, that homeless fucker with the golden voice is going to show up at the DFL Draft.