Monday, June 18, 2012

Monday's Post Starring The Iceman and Greg Oden's Penis (featuring Greg Oden)

Father's Day.  What a glorious day this is.  I am a married guy with a dog yet, for unknown reasons, I have been granted this day as my own.  Nothing beats a free day to be a sloth.  I was able to watch a movie, watch the Yanks sweep the Natitude out of DC, take a nap even after sleeping in, and watch golf all while making a minimal amount of moves and not having to converse with any other human.  Father's Day rules the world.  Every day should be Father's Day.  On a completely unrelated topic, The Iceman was in town this weekend and, as usual, when Money Shot Maniacs get together, big things happen.  Celebrities flock to us like Grumpy to a Real Housewives marathon on Bravo.  We'll finish today's post with that big-dicked story.  But first, some quick blurbs regarding Ohio State and Michigan football!!!

Actually, before we get going, I couldn't secure an interview with Jerry Sandusky.  Honestly, nothing that I could say would be any worse than what has already been said in court.  Raspberries?  Soaping clinics?  THE FUCKING TICKLE MONSTER?  I can't top that.  This whole story continues to be the worst.  That guy needs to be sawed in half.  Onto the news...


Mewhort/Stoneburner - Remember when these guys got arrested for waving their penises at traffic during The Memorial?  Well, it was something like that.  Urban 3:16 decided to yank their scholarships for the Summer as punishment.  This sounds good but is quite transparent as a slap on the wrist.  Are these guys even taking classes over the Summer?  If not, then this means nothing.  And I guarantee that they won't be walk-ons once school starts in August.  But, it's at least something so I'll give him a little credit.  One thing that will be interesting to follow:  I have learned that one of the Fuckeyes superstars could be looking at a "violation of team rules" coming up.  I made a promise to my source not to divulge anything further, but I will be disappointed if nothing happens to this guy after seeing that Urban is willing to publicly shit on two guys that pissed in a parking lot.  Let 'em live, Urb.  And if you want to know what I know, don't even bother asking me when I'm sober.

The Hokester - I was driving home from work on Wednesday and the first story on the Sportscenter update was about Urban throwing out the first pitch in that night's Indians/Reds game in Cincinnati (because that is HUGE).  The second story was how Brady Hoke referred to the Fuckeyes as "Ohio State" at a football camp earlier that day.  THIS IS APPARENTLY NEWS AROUND HERE.  What a fucking cowtown this is.  "You only call it a cowtown because it was founded by a cow."--Lenny Lenford.  This city sucks.

Best LB of the 90's? - The Big Ten Network was on one of the TVs at Ugly Tuna (shitty bar) on Saturday night and they had this show on.  They rated Simeon Rice as the best LB in the Big Ten from the 90's.  That's fucking weak sauce.  Lavar Arrington was 2 and he should have been one and Pat Fitzgerald should have also been ahead of Rice (who was more of a goddamn DE anyway).  I really like shows like this and it led to our group sharing a few barbs about Andy Katzenmoyer's class schedule.  No one was more aware of AIDS than Andy!

MAY THE FORCIER BE WITH YOU - Oh, Tate, when did it all go wrong for you?  I actually know the date.  9/15/2009 to be exact.  Mr. Ace is the best.  Anyway, after just leaving San Diego State this past year, The Force tried his luck in the CFL.  Well, after one preseason game in which he threw 4 incomplete passes, Tate was relieved of his duties as a Hamilton TigerCat.  The Forcier will forever be with us, but it is no longer with Tate.  Tate Forcier is shit.  Nice skull cap, homo.

US Open - Ugh, Tiger sure did skeet all over his face on Saturday, didn't he?  If whoever won warrants mention today then feel free to talk about it.  I know that I probably won't because I'd rather watch basketball than prime time golf.

NBA Finals Game 3 - I expect a monster night from Russell Westbrook and an OKC victory.  Iceman and I had a fairly good conversation about the NBA the other night and I had way more to say before his party bus left but it is probably better left said in a future post.  Needless to say, I could write a book about my feelings on LeBron (and for the record, I have very little negative to say about the serial killer out there now).  Speaking of the NBA, what about that guy that got drafted before Kevin Durant...

Greg Oden is ELITE - So let's get to that final story, eh.  We're at Ugly Tuna (not by choice) and this is apparently a place that has given commenter Drew a lifetime ban from their premises (can't wait to hear that story).  Anyway, Ice had just bought a round of Jager shots (gross) when a massive black dude walks in and, to his sexy credit, G$ is quick to point out the Greg Oden-ness of Greg Oden.  This is going to sound strange, but he doesn't look that big.  Obviously, he is a legit 7 foot tall, but I expected that to look taller than it was.  He wasn't limping around at all and just took a seat at the bar with a few friends.  A few notes about this:
-Iceman's buddy commented how shocked he was that Oden was not with a white girl.  We all nodded in agreement.  Racist?
-Iceman himself kept talking about how much he wanted to compare dicks with the great Oden snake.  That was a bit uncomfortable.
-Damman wondered if Oden being at a college bar was sad and/or pathetic.  I came to Oden's defense because I believe that he's back trying to finish his degree while rehabbing and getting ready for 2013 and he wasn't making a scene.  He was just sitting with friends.  It wasn't like he grabbed the DJ's mic and screamed "WHO AM I? PETEY PAB MOTHERFUCKA!"  He was just trying to blend into the crowd as much as 7 foot black guy with a huge dong and millions of dollars could do.  I'll allow it.
-Damman bought him a shot.  Bold move considering we were JUST TALKING ABOUT how Oden had a problem with alcohol while in Portland (that Titus wrote about for Grantland).  ELITE enabling right there!
-Iceman just walked up to Oden and wished him the best of luck in his comeback.  Oden said that he appreciated the kind words.  Then they shook hands.  It might have been the only time that Iceman has even shown compassion and empathy for his fellow man.

In the end, Oden seemed like a good dude.  I am rooting for him even though it looks like he might be trying to grow out dreads (don't do it, Greg).  What we learned today is that between Ted DiBiase and Francisco Cervelli and Greg Oden, only the best of the best come out to play when the Money Shot Maniacs get together.  The way that things have been going, that homeless fucker with the golden voice is going to show up at the DFL Draft.

32 comments:

Grumpy said...

Although I'm sure he's a good guy, Oden is made of glass. Comeback over.

I want to know how Drew earned a lifetime ban from a shitty bar.

The Iceman said...

I promise you that Oden's fingers came close to touching my elbow when I shook his hand. It was literally like shaking hands with a gorilla.

I'm not scared of some black dude peen. Let's whip our shit out and see how the whitey's stack up, Mr. Greg. I couldn't let Drew one up me by being the only Money Shotter to be banned from the Tuna.

Jager was the only choice since any bomb in Columbus is six fucking dollars apparently. My buddy, after telling me that Oden smelled like dirty black guy, went up to follow Damman's lead and buy Greg's dick a shot. He walked up and said "The last time I saw you on Sports Center they said you couldn't buy a shot...so I got you one." Oden asked him who the fuck told him to say that and he replied with "I told myself". Oden responds with buying him a shot.

That night ended with me smuggling two beers out of a bar (some place called PBR I think? I was nearly blacked out at this point) that got spilled in both pockets after my brother shoved me in the back as hard as he could for some unknown reason. We then went to Brothers (beers still in soaking wet pockets) where the guy at the front door told me I had to fix my hat. I told him I was just shitfaced and not in a gang so it was cool. He said "I don't give a fuck what you are and if you want in this bar you'll fix your hat". So I did. I still don't know how he didn't notice the beer soaked shorts with beer bottle shaped bulges protruding from the pockets. From there the last thing I remember is puking up street meat outside of my brother's apartment. Pretty solid night.

GMoney said...

Grump, since Drew doesn't strike me as a fighter, I'm guessing that his MOUF got him in hot water there.

I hope that Oden can come back and be in someone's rotation. Even with millions in his bank, it can't be easy to be him and have people constantly call you a bust.

Iceman, here is the problem with your attempt at swords: you know what he has holstered; but I'm quite certain that he has no desire to see what you've got in the chamber.

The Iceman said...

I was nearing the point of drunkenness that impeded my ability to care about minor details such as those, G$.

Fun fact about the Ugly Tuna...a student disappeared from that bar a few years ago and has yet to be found. Security footage showed him going in but never coming out. Maybe Drew killed him! Maybe that's why he's banned forever.

Anonymous said...

This could be a long post....which should be the theme on Greg Oden Day.

First off, sorry couldn't meet up on Saturday Iceman. I spent seven hours at a dive bar for a going away party for my brother and his fiance....they are moving to NJ. I thought they were leaving around 11, but then they stayed for more shots...so, I stayed for more shots.

Onto the talking points....

*Stoneburner and Mewhort are TOTES enrolled in Summer classes.

*Your unnamed source can suck my dick and his unnamed rumor can suck my dick if a rumor can suck a dick.

*I don't care that Hoke said Ohio State. He's fat.

*Dana Howard was a better LB on Illinois than Simeon Rice was.

*Tater Tot is a terrible human. It's too bad that he wasn't successful when he thought about killing himself.

*Golf yesterday was really boring.

*The best part about what's going down in these NBA Finals? It's becoming very apparrent that the Heat are not "The Big 3". It's actually "LeBron and his friends".

*Greg Oden is ELITE. I see him out and about quite often (he's hard to miss). I actually saw him out on a date with a tall black chick last Fall downtown. They were at "R Bar"...the hockey bar downtown and they honestly spent like an hour just playing the Pacman machine. Like you said...he just minds his own business and tries to blend in. I was actually happy to see that not one person bothered him when he was out on his date.

*There are three types of busts...and two of them the players should not feel bad about...

Bust # 1 -- Real Bust -- This a top pick taht actually did have all of the talent in the world, but shit it all away. Think Ryan Leaf, Jamarcus Russell, etc. These people are true busts.

Bust # 2 -- Body Breakdown Bust -- This is Greg Oden. He shouldn't feel bad...there is nothing he can do about this.

Bust # 3 -- Overdrafted Bust -- See Darko and many others. These people got drafted way too high by idiots and then get an unfair label as they were actually never that good.

Onto Ugly Tuna story....

So, this was six or seven years ago when the bar first opened. MY Sunday NFL crew still watched games at a campus bar and we were looking for more beer and food after our games. So, we decide to walk into the new Tuna bar. We are shit-faced.

Well, I spend my NFL Sundays with an obnoxious group of Buffalo Bills fans. We get into this bar and there is a table of Patriots fans. This has the Bills group seeing red. At some point words are exchanged and then the Ugly Tuna people refuse to sell us beer. We raise a stink about this and somehow it resulted in the owner of the bar talking with us....he feels bad because it's a new bar...he buys us food and beers. All is good.

Well, we continue to drink and then at some point one of my buddies walks up to the Patriots table...starts acting like he's jerking off while yelling, "STROKE ME BRUSCHI!" to mock Teddy Bruschi's stroke. The Patriots table is real mad. We had big plastic cups of beer. We decided it was in the best interest to launch all of our big cups of beers at their table. Shit got real. We obviously TOTES got the boot. When we were outside the manager and bouncer kept trying to get us to stick around while talking some shit to us....one of us realized it's because they called the cops on us and then we got the fuck otu of there.

About four or five months later I tried to get back in there and somebody walked up to me with a print out from a security camera and said that I had to leave and was not welcome there for forever. I was impressed. So, yeah...some dude got killed there and they can't figure out, but I made it rain with Bud Light and I'm not welcome.

Stroke Me Bruschi.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Drew, that was ELITE because Patriots fans are terrible and clearly Bills fans are the best.

I'm just saying that if Urb is a man of his word and wants to continue acting like he cares about discipline, someone is going to get violationed of team rules soon.

When they showed highlights from Lavar at Penn State, it was almost boner-inducing. That guy was so fucking good. He wasn't quite like Oden with a full body break down but his body did fuck him over.

Greg Oden plays Pacman on dates...terrific!

The Iceman said...

No worries, Drew. My brother lives in Columbus so this won't be the last time you'll get a chance to watch me projectile vomit gyro meat.

Some loser kid went up to Oden to get his autograph while I was buying Jager shots. Oden rolled his eyes as he grabbed it. I don't blame the guy. I'm in a bar, with a girl. My goal is to get shit faced and have freaky drunkin sex with this girl...not sign your Goddamn napkin.

I think that was a consensus among the group that Arrington was robbed. Collectively we couldn't remember anyone that was worthy of the top spot. Until G$ wisely pointed out that they were probably including past Nebraska players since the Huskers are part of the Big 10 now. Then we all said, "Duhhhhhh! Trev Alberts!"

Anonymous said...

While I was in college one of my fraternity brothers was a trainer on the basketball team. He would always tell Oden and Mike Conley about the social happenings up at our house and Oden and Conley became frequent guests in the Winter/Spring of 2007. They acted like typical college students. From what I can remember, neither had a huge ego or walked in like they owned the place, even though they had bitches trying to slob on their nob the moment they walked in. They both just relaxed and socialized. It was kind of funny watching Greg Oden play beer pong, though. All he had to do was basically reach across the table. I can remember thinking the same thing about him as you guys though. He is a really tall dude, but he does not as big in person as you would expect.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

LS, the thought of Oden dominating beer pong is hilarious. He has to be ELITE.

Iceman, I remember talking about napkin autograph guy. What was the point of that anyway? Was he going to add it to his collection of autographed napkins? What grown man goes trolling for signatures at a college bar? That guy, whoever he is, is OVERRATED.

What do you think that Tate ends up doing now that football is clearly not an option anymore? My guess is cleaning pools and taking that job a step further by appearing in adult films as the creepy pool guy.

Prime99 said...

Tate is probably going to end up working at ACE Hardware.

My best celebrity bar sighting was seeing Alex Smith at a Davis bar. I think his siste went to UCD. He was making out with a decent looking girl but I remember thinking that she should be hotter based on his QB for the Niners status.

ELITE story Drew. Way to circle the wagons.

The Iceman said...

Even better than that dude begging for Oden's (worthless) autograph was Andy Katzenmoyer asking my buddy if he wanted an autograph years ago. To which my buddy replied, "No. What the hell am I going to do with your name on a piece of paper?" Katzenmoyer then followed him as he walked away, bought him a shot then bought him Jimmy John's. I guess he respected my buddy for having the scrote to say what autographs really are. D-U-M.

Tate will probably become a skull cap salesman. Going door to door selling skullies to all the white kids of the neighborhood.

GMoney said...

Kevin Durant needs to grow some balls. Stop getting into foul trouble and start letting your teammates know that this is HIS team. I can't believe that I'm about to say this but dude needs to take a lesson from LeBron.

OKC should fire Scott Brooks now and let the superior Mo Cheeks coach the rest of the series. Scott Brooks is getting merked by Spo and no other coach ever has been able to claim that.

Anonymous said...

Its over - I have already accepted that there is no way Lebron is losing this series.

Seal

Anonymous said...

It didn't even dawn on me about the whole Oden being an alcoholic until the next day. He was drinking already so I don't feel as bad. He was a really nice guy though.

-Damman

Brady said...

Baaahahahaha! Fat Hokester said Ohio State. I love it. This little trolling exercise is forever tainted now.

I DEMAND to know your little OSU tidbit G$. Who is in trouble? What did they do? Will it result in suspensions? Are you just lying to get a rise out of me? I will get you drunk on whatever spirit you choose to get this information from you.

I really liked that the US Open was on the west coast. Watching the final holes of a major at 9:30 is pretty sweet. Why is it sweet? I don't know but it was enjoyable to watch golf when it is dark outside.

The Indians are tanking during June per usual. They better turn this shit around. Our division is horrible and can be won by anybody playing around .500 baseball. MIssing this opprtunity would be a disaster.

My Kelley's island adventure was awesome besides the drunken fall down some rocks in the middle of the night. Rocks + Sandals = Pain.

GMoney said...

Someone is going in front of a discipline review board this week. That's all I'm saying.

Oden was either drinking a Sex On The Beach or like a grapefruit and vodka. He has strange preferences in booze. I actually felt bad for the girl with him. She was just a few hours away from getting DESTROYED.

Seal, I'm feeling the same way but I'll feel a lot better if they get to play back at home.

The Iceman said...

SHOCKING that Brady is the only one who cares about the Hoke thing. Brady calling Hoke a troll is the same as Rae Carruth calling someone a murderer.

Anonymous said...

So, yesterday I finished "The Walking Dead" that you guys spoke about for months. Killed all three seasons in about a month.

One question.....any idea what the deal is with the small guy in the hood with the two walkers without arms?

--Drew

The Iceman said...

It's going to be a focus for season 3, Drew. According to Prime (I think) that character is a pretty big deal in the comics. And it's a girl as well. But OBVZ the hood prevented you from seeing that. What did you think so far?

Brady said...

Hey I wasn't the one who started this little insult. Hokester clearly wanted to emulate Woody by coming up with his own way of trolling Ohio St. He only lasted 1.5 years before he slipped up on his own gay insult. I think it's funny.

Calling us the Luckeyes or Fuckeyes is way more imaginative than calling Ohio State "Ohio". I mean there is an actual D1university that calls itself Ohio.
It just sounded retarded and was confusing sometimes. Whatevs. It will be really pathetic when he inevitably tries to use it again.

Brady Hoke said...

1-0.

Brady Hoke said...

I beat Urban Meyer by eating 42 more ribs than he did at that camp last weekend and I will beat him again in Columbus this year.

Woody Hayes said...

8-2 over the last 10 years.

I bet Hokester is going to win in the cholesterol battle too.

GMoney said...

Woody Hayes is dead so his argument is invalid. He couldn't even win the game of life.

The irony is that you say it's stupid and that it doesn't bother you when it CLEARLY did.

It sounded retarded and confusing? You mean like when 105K+ chant O-H-I-O during games when that isn't your name and never has been? Gotcha.

Drew, well done. It's a bad show that is poorly acted but the gore is ELITE and that is enough for me. I think that you can agree that killing off Shane was a horrible decision by the showrunners.

Urban Meyer said...

Hoke will never beat me in heart attacks. No matter how much he outweighs me I will forever dominate that category.

Anonymous said...

I really, really enjoyed the show. It's fun.

Yeah, it's too bad that the psycho that is Shane is gone. I was happy that they revealed what the doctor at the CDC told Rick....was worried they were just never going to close that hole. I really enjoyed Herschel killing fucknig everything in the last episode. I didn't like him at first (probably due to his then religious beliefs), but now I do that he's back to killing and drinking. I assume Daryl is everyone's favorite character? Pretty much all of the woman suck except for the one that fucked the Asian...I loOked up pictures of her...she is really, really hot away from that show.

--Drew

Peter King said...

Ann Arbor is more of a Latte and hemp kind of town that Hipster's enjoy.

GMoney said...

Wait--Mom Ass is real-life hot? Now I don't know what to believe because I lost all respect for her for banging Glenn Jeremy Lin.

Daryl is a badass but he showed too many feelings for buzzcut lady and her stupid daughter. His brother Merle (COMING BACK THIS SEASON!) is far superior due to ELITE racism and should have a pretty sweet nub.

I enjoy token black guy T-Dawg and I'm coming around on Andrea. I'm also a huge fan of Deputy Dipshit Carl. Just kidding; that kid and his crazy bullet hole healing powers needs to visit The Tickle Monster.

Urban and Hoke taking their rivalry to the comments???

GMoney said...

Why is Peter King here?

Brady said...

"It sounded retarded and confusing? You mean like when 105K+ chant O-H-I-O during games when that isn't your name and never has been? Gotcha."

It's a decades long football cheer. What should they do? Keep chanting around the stadium while spelling out STATE? How about they add on UNIVERSITY? Where does it end? It's four letters long, is the name of our state and is easily made into a football cheer. Simple and effective.

I will admit that it is retarded when somebody yells OH in an airport or bar looking for an IO return. That shit is gay.

And no it didn't bother me at all. Hoke's "Ohio" comments were lame from the beginning. He can keep saying it all he wants but the truth is out there now. Once you slip up and say "state" after "Ohio", the game is up. You can never go back without looking stupid. ESPECIALLY if you were the one that started it all. I can't wait to hang out with Iceman when he says it.

The Iceman said...

"Baaahahahaha! Fat Hokester said Ohio State. I love it. This little trolling exercise is forever tainted now."

Sure sounds like it never bothered you.

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