Thursday, June 28, 2012

The Iceman and G$ Win The Lottery!

The Four Horsemen are getting desparate, aren't they?
The NBA Draft is tonight!  WEEEEEEE!!!  Between the awkward foreigners, black dudes 8 times the size of David Stern, Jay Bilas made up words, and fast pace, this is always an ELITE event.  How did ESPN make it better this year?  THEY GOT RID OF STUART SCOTT!  Rece Davis will be taking over for Mr. Def Poetry Jam tonight and my ears are very much pleased by this development.  Maybe Rece will throw in a few "progrims"!

Anyway, as I have mentioned numerous times this week, Iceman and I did an alternating pick mock draft of the lottery (much like Simmons and Chad Ford although ours was done first, bitch!).  The results are as followed.  One probable change that would have been made after the fact; Beal is definitely not going past #3.  Other than that, we're set on our beliefs.

1. New Orleans - Anthony Davis PF/C, Kentucky (G$). This pick requires no explanation so instead I'll just mention that I was umping with Damman two Saturdays ago and some kid had a unibrow. It was terrifying. Are unibrows the new mustaches???
Iceman: Unibrows are the new Buddy Holly glasses.
G$: Teenagers need to be wiped off the Earf.

2. Charlotte - Jeffery Jordan! Just kidding, but that's something MJ would do. Because he's a fucking idiot. The real pick for Air Terrible Owner is Thomas Robinson PF, Kansas (Iceman). Because after "everything", the answer to what Charlotte needs the most is a nasty, snarling PF with boar tusks and a mean streak that would make a rapist blush.
G$: I can't wait for Jordan to make this pick. You just know that he wants Barnes thinking that he will sell tickets and forgetting that 95% of UNC fans hate him.
Iceman: MJ is the black Al Davis. Only more alive and with fewer band-aids covering up fizzing shark bite sized geysers on his forehead. 
G$: By acquiring Ben Gordon, I think that Robinson has to be the pick (unless they trade).  It's not that Gordon is good or anything but he's already the best player on that team.

3. Washington - Michael Kidd-Gilchrist SF, Kentucky (G$). I actually like the Wiz building around Wall and Nene and getting the head cases out of there. The next move is to get one of the hardest workers that you'll ever find and a guy that immediately makes them better at both ends.
Iceman: Getting the headaches out?? You're aware that's JOHN Wall, right? Beal makes more sense to me here so Washington can stop pretending Jordan Crawford is worth court time/money/putting into a jersey/insert insult here.
G$: I don't mind Crawford. He spaces the floor. Ripping on Wall? You must be reverting back to your alter ego of Cowherd T. Cowherd. 
Iceman: Can it. You know Wall has a rep for being a pouting ham wallet.

4. Cleveland - Bradley Beal SG, Florida (Iceman). Beal in Cleveland is the no brainer choice here if the draft falls this way. I mean, it's waaaaay too early for Terrance Jones and Cleveland already has their PF of the future in Luke Harangody locked down anyway. So they can safely ignore that position for the next 12 years. If nothing else, Beal gets rid of Anthony Parker. And I think you would agree we all win in that situation.
G$: Yeah, Beal isn't dropping below 4. He and MKG are interchangeable. A guy compared to Ray Allen is what this franchise has needed for TEN FUCKING YEARS! 
Iceman: Cleveland will find a way to trip over their own dick. Gilbert will probably try drafting Danny Ferry again...or dead Tractor Traylor.
G$: I fucking loved Tractor Traylor the one year that he was here and destroyed the paint like Earthquake.

5. Sacramento - Harrison Barnes SF, North Carolina (G$). This is not the right situation for Barnes at all as he needs strong leadership and the Kings offer none of that. And that is what makes this pick work because it would be dumb and the Maloofs are tards. But no one else really makes sense for them here. Iceman: I've read Barnes ceiling is Luol Deng. How depressing if you're a Kings fan. Are you saying Demarcus Cousins showing Barnes how to effectively smuggle coke out of Cuba isn't a strong act of leadership??

6. Portland - Tyler Zeller C, North Carolina (Iceman). Portland needs a center worse than Greg Oden's fuck buddy needs a newly constructed vagina. It was either Drummond or Zeller here and if I'm a GM, I take the guy who works his God damn tail off on both ends of the court. I feverishly avoid the guy who often plays like an infected piss flap, who's only offensive move is "dunk" and who also shoots 29% from the free throw line. No fuckin thank you, Drummond.
G$: Your dream of having Andre Drummond becoming a Piston is gaining steam!!! 
Iceman: Well, Dumars does need a new zero offensive game guy who is impressively abysmal at the free throw line now that Ben Wallace is retiring to pursue his career in becoming a full blown alcoholic.

7. Golden State - Damian Lillard PG, Weber State (G$). How do you make a fanbase that already hates management hate them even more? Draft a player from Weber State naturally! You can't count on Stephen Curry to play point or stay healthy and you already dumped Monta Ellis for a guy that looks exactly like Iceman so you better take the best PG in the draft.
Iceman: Agree the move here is a PG...but I actually think Kendall Marshall will be the best PG in this draft. His pass first mentality would fit perfectly with Golden State's offensive weapons. And maybe he could persuade Andrew Bogut to FUCKING RETWEET ME EVERY ONCE IN A GOD DAMN WHILE! Not that I'm bitter about it though...
G$: For some reason this made me LOLZ.  I like the idea of you telling Bogut that you are his twin and him ignoring you.

8. Toronto - Andre Drummond C, Connecticut (Iceman). And I vigorously fist pump knowing that Dumars can't bury the Pistons even more with a crippling tardo pick like Drummond. Having teams remove players like Drummond from the board before Dumars can pick is like taking power tools away from a small child. Damage control. Look...Drummond could turn out to be a nice player in the end but there's just too many negatives surrounding him for me to chance it. But if you need a center like Toronto clearly does, you sometimes have to take risks.
G$: You pussy! You know that you wanted Drummond in The D!
Iceman: I cannot allow you to fake draft a sure fire bust to my favorite team. Detroit is already in deep shit as it is without you spoon feeding Dumars turd soup.
G$: Oh, I can draft you a bust...

9. Detroit - Perry Jones III F, Baylor (G$). IF this guy can consistently play hard, he has the skills to be a Durant-type player. I don't know what the offseason will bring for Joe Dumars, but if your 3-4 spots are taken up by Prince, Jerebko, Charlie V, and Jason Maxiell (the worst player in the league) then you could always use a guy with big upside and actual talent. Plus, I think that Iceman would have quit if I gave him Meyers Leonard.
Iceman: Jesus Christ I hate this pick. If Dumars drafts another project who lacks motivation I may go fucking catatonic. Henson is the pick here if Dumars even has a quarter of a brain. Henson's offensive game is questionable but at least he's an ELITE defender and an even more ELITE rebounder. Most importantly...he doesn't need to be cattle prodded to play hard.
G$: Just admit that you wanted Brittany Griner.
Iceman: \nods in agreement. As long as we get her hairy balls too.

10. New Orleans - Jeremy Lamb SG/SF, Connecticut (G$). I'll tell you what, assuming that they re-sign Eric Gordon, you can do a hell of a lot worse than a Gordon/Unibrow/Lamb trio. That's a playoff contender immediately. But to be fair, I have no idea who the hell else is on this team. Jarrett Jack? He's real, I think.
Iceman: You nailed this one. Who knows how long Eric Gordon's brittle vagina will hold up. If nothing else you get a viable replacement for Gordon's inevitable season ending injury.

11. Portland - Dion Waiters SG, Syracuse (Iceman). I'm not totally in love with Waiters but Portland could use better guard DEPF and Waiters has the potential to develop into a pretty solid combo guard. His jumper is about as appealing as Octomom's soon to be released porno featuring her mangled beef curtains (YUCK) but he's a savage on the defensive end of the court. Besides...realistically Portland will never have to lean on him offensively so I'm not THAT concerned about his terrible jump shot.
G$: You had me at Octomom.

12. Milwaukee - John Henson PF, North Carolina (Iceman). This team is fucking AWWWWWWFUL and one pick isn't going to fix the giant skid mark of players they have. Henson can play power forward or center and would be a YOOOOGE upgrade for either position right now. I still can't believe how fucking stupid Drew Gooden's duck tail was. He needs to be dick punched.
G$: Yeah, this should be the pick. I disagree that this team is garbage though. With Jennings and Ellis, they are wildly entertaining. Henson will only make them even more fun to watch.
Iceman: They start Carlos "Dracula" Delfino. The defense rests.

13. Phoenix - Kendall Marshall PG, North Carolina (G$). This is a no-brainer. They are going to lose Steve Nash for nothing in the next month or so and any rational person would have flipped him to a contender at some point over the last three years. They need to replace him. The Suns are a really bad franchise.
Iceman: Steve Nash PG for your World Champion Miami Heat?? Could be! Great pick here, G$. I love Marshall's game and think he's destined to be a stud for the next 12-15 years.
G$: I don't really like Marshall at all.  This team is about to be the worst team in the league.

14. Houston - Terrance Jones PF, Kentucky (Iceman). I though about Sullinger here but I heard Houston doesn't carry Sully's bra size. Big tittied bitch. Houston is set at the guard position but needs to get bigger and more physical at the forwards. Jones has the chops to play either small or power forward but also has a reputation for being a little cry baby cunt. We saw Jones dialed in during the NCAA tourney and I'm hoping that's the Jones that Houston will be getting.
G$: I disagree here.  They think that they're going to get Duh-wight and they won't which means it's Marcus Camby's corpse and a fleshlight at center for them.  Meyers Leonard is the pick (and since they swapped Dalembert and this pick to Milwaukee for the 12, it makes more sense...these goddamn teams keep fucking up our work).

G$: You got anything else?
Iceman: I chug jizz.  Like, LOTS of it.
G$: Can I quote you on that?
Iceman: Of course.  Balls don't lie.

Enjoy the draft tonight and remember that all of you readers (and especially you commenters) have tremendous upside potential and LEMPH.  And Austin Rivers is a total chode.


Grumpy said...

Austin Rivers is the TROOF.

GMoney said...

OK, back to Houston, I see what they are trying to do but I find it hard to believe that they think that that will work. Orlando doesn't want to trade Duh-wight. The 12, 16, and 18 picks in the Draft aren't going to all of a sudden make their dick hard. So now what? They get to stick 3 role players around Kevin Martin, Kyle Lowry, and Scola. That makes little sense.

The Cavs are taking MKG tonight. Lock it up. And then expect at least two shooters later on (like that dude from Vandy in the 2nd). And the more I think about it, the more I can see Sullinger being there at 24.

Anonymous said...

Not a bad read.

Iceman and I are gonna have some words though. I am STRONGLY on the "hope like hell that Andre Drummond falls to the Pistons" bandwagon. Any other pick and I'm pretty much going to be disappointed. Supposedly, Drummond is a good kid and his body is just something that can't be ignored (full homo). John Henson is 6'10'' and weighs 216 lbs....people expect him to be some sort of beast shot blocking defender down low? Come on. Kid is going to be in foul trouble every game.

The last two years Dumars has made the perfect pick (Monroe and Knight). All I can hope for is Drummond to fall to him and him make the perfect pick three years in a row.

I hope all these rumors about the Cavs taking Dion Waiters are true. I would laugh.


MUDawgfan said...


Just rumors, but since trades play a dynamic in any first rounds - Josh Smiff is being aggressively shopped by the Hawks.

Anonymous said...

That whole "chug jizz" thing must've been an email from Seal that got mixed in along the way.

Drew, I'm not doubting that he's a good kid. I'm sure he is. But do you really want another 19 year old project on this team? Dumars is a pretty consistent 0% when it comes to developing projects. Not to mention Drummond has no offensive game, is a crazy liability from the FT line and vanishes late in the game or when he's not involved early. He has big time maturity issues that I just don't think Detroit can deal with right now. Like I said, he could turn out to be a good player...just not on my team.

I always thought Josh Smiff was overrated.

Prime99 said...

Great job fellas! So you're saying the NorCal teams are going to make bonehead picks? SHOCKER. More reasons to move to a different town or boo Chris Mullin!

Iceman is dying to read Hawks news.

Sully stock has fallen quite a bit, but he should be fairl decent, assuming he's healthy. In fact, the Kings reaching for him isn't the craziest idea though it won't happen. Pair Sully with Cousins for a decent front court. Harrison Barnes refused to workout for the Kings. Maybe everyone refused? Who knows?

Anonymous said...

Iceman...I see where you are coming from, but I still don't see why Henson is going to be a good player in the NBA. I definitely could see Drummond becoming a good one.


GMoney said...

Drew, don't confuse "perfect pick" with "not even Joe Dumars could fuck up this pick". Because that is what it was. The last two years, there were no other options but Monroe and Knight.

I'm sure that Kobe is just DYING to play with Josh Smiff.

If the Cavs are interested in Waiters, my guess is that it is at the 7th pick. I'm getting a bad feeling that my boy Varejao is not a Cav after today.

If Drummond fell to 9, you HAVE to take him, don't you? He'll be brutal this year but it isn't like you're ready to compete anyway. His size is exactly what the Stones need.

Prime, I don't think that anyone worked out for the Kings. Seriously, it sounds like nobody wants to play for them. Does Jimmer have a little brother that they can take?

GMoney said...

I don't like Drummond at all but if we're going to compare Drummond and Henson, let's look at the ceilings:

Drummond could be the next Dwight Howard at best due to size and skill set.
Henson, at best, is Marcus Camby.

Who would you rather take a flier on if both are there at the ninth pick. Keep in mind that Henson plays the exact same position as your best player.

Prime99 said...

I don't know about Jimmer's family, but they are tanking the pick anyway, I would certainly accept an NBA contract from the Kings. The commute wouldn't be bad at all! I'd work very hard and keep Tyreke from joyriding. Wait- no one can keep Tyreke from joyriding.

Anonymous said...

I'm not a huge fan of either, G$. I would rather have Zeller if he's there. He's decent sized and has a frame that can add muscle. He can score and is also a good defender/rebounder. Tits free throw shooter as well. Not only that, but he's athletic and can run the floor. I would love having Zeller/Monroe at the 4/5 for the next 10 years.

Prime, are you my source for all things Hawks related? I bet their pick this year locks up another 5th seed in the East next year.

Anonymous said...

Iceman....I like Zeller a lot as well.

G$...Joe D just put his championship ring on his middle finger and flicked you off with it for not giving him credit for the last two picks. Don't get blinded by those diamonds!

Rumor has it the Celtics are looking to package their two first rounders for a late lotto pick. Not sure if I'd be happy if the Pistons did that or not.


Prime99 said...

I'm not, but MUDawg is. His josh smiff links will have you riveted.

GMoney said...

Zeller isn't sexy at all but that would be a really solid pick and he would contribute immediately (and allow you to cut the uber-worthless Maxiell).

Do you actually feel that way about Dumars or are you just trolling? I can't tell anymore. Because no one should be defending Joe D AKA Midwest Michael Jordan. Anyone can be ELITE at drafting BPA.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, Drew. I have to defend G$ on this one. Monroe and Knight were unfuckupable picks. Those two gems fell right into his lap. He didn't have to do anything and couldn't have screwed that up even if he gave it his best Joe Dumars effort. Tonight will be interesting to see how he responds when he actually has to make an intelligent decision. That is unless another blue chipper falls to Detroit.

If you like a 4 who thinks he's a 3 point shooter and needs more touches than "in his prime" Vince Carter to get his points then yeah...Josh Smiff is the perfect fit for your team.

Anonymous said...

Too bad the Cavs can't draft Tristan Thompson at 4 again...

Anonymous said...

I'm not just trolling. G$ likes to call Dumars "Black Millen" and "Jordan Mid-West" when he's fucking won a championship. G$ is an idiot. Yes, those two picks really pretty much were unfuckupable....but, Matt Millen fucked up many unfuckupable picks as have many other GM's.

Dumars has definitely made some terrible decisions. But, as a Cavs fan....G$ can still kiss the ring.


Brady said...

Fuck! I thought the NBA talk was over.

64 days until the Buckeyes curb stomp the Red Hawks. That's all I got for today.

Anonymous said...

Jerry West says GS will not draft Drummond. Keep falling buddy...


Anonymous said...

This Drummond nightmare is starting to become more of a reality.

Darko Milicic said...

Remember when Joe Dumars took me 2nd overall? That was awesome.

GMoney said...

Yes, Joe D has a ring and has drafted pretty well if you forget about Darko. But he has been straight GARBAGE at signing free agents over the years. This is why that Ben Gordon trade isn't that great. Yeah, he has some cap what? Maybe another 4 year extension for the well past his prime Tayshaun? More years for the below average Rod Stuckey? There's more to being a GM than the draft. Also, were almost at a decade since that title in's still on the resume, obvz, but the shine is off of this guy now. I don't know how anyone could disagree with anything that I just expertly said.

Most of the "final mock drafts" that I've seen today has big Andre going to The D. SUCK PEEN, ICEMAN!!!

Tristan was the third best player taken in the top half of last year's draft behind Kyrie and Klay Thompson. Deal with it.

The Dion Waiters at 4 stuff is all horseshit. The Bobcats are trying to scare Grant by saying that they are taking MKG at 2 in hopes that we'll pull the trigger on an unnecessary deal. So the Cavs leak the Waiters stuff out to tell Byron Mullens team that they don't give a fuck what they do at 2. You aren't a good poker player, Jordan.

GMoney said...

According to sources, the Cavs have narrowed their list to three players: Florida's Bradley Beal, Kentucky's Michael Kidd-Gilchrist and North Carolina's Harrison Barnes.

Thanks for showing up to work today, Chad Ford!!! His next BREAKING NEWS FROM SOURCE is that Michael Jordan is currently on the 12th tee.

GMoney said...

I was just thinking about this while sitting on the shitter; would the Lakers do this...

Pau Gasol for Varejao, their pick back this year, and a top 3 protected pick next year??? Probably not but I'm a thinking man's shitter and that might be one of the better offers that they get.

Anonymous said...

Hold the fuck on for a second...Stuckey is NOT below average. He's been playing out of position since he was drafted and still put up decent numbers. Now that Detroit ditched Gordon and Knight will take over as the natural PG this year we can finally see what Stuckey is capable of. Only took 4 years to get to this point...

Thompson averaged 8 and 6 in a rookie year that saw the only competition at his position sit out a majority of the year with a broken wrist. LIGHTIN IT UP, TRISTAN!!

Anonymous said...

You overrate the fuck out of that jabroni Varejao.

The Celtics are trying to move up into the lottery to take Austin Rivers. *face palm* Fucking stupid.

I think some team is gonna trade up right before the Pistons to take Drummond. It's clear he won't drop below the Pistons....teams know where they need to trade to get to him.


Anonymous said...

@DraftExpress: Sources say Minnesota offered Derrick Williams to Charlotte in exchange for the #2 pick. Bobcats quickly rejected.


GMoney said...

Tristan > Derrick Williams

You can keep hammering home his 8 and 6 from last year (not bad for a 20 year old anyway who had to compete against Gody and RyHo everyday), but who the fuck else was supposed to go at 4 that was considered a top ten pick???

You underrate Andy. Simmons had him as an All Star Game starter last year which is right when he got hurt. Simmons is a blowhard but he knows the game. Dude plays winning basketball.

Fine, Stuckey is average at best. There is a reason why no one gave him an offer sheet last summer.

GMoney said...

Ron Jaworski ranks Fat Stafford as the 14th best starting QB in the NFL. Ron Jaworski is a fucking lunatic.

Anonymous said...

Honestly...what's Thompson's ceiling? J.J. Hickson?

They should have done what I originally said...Williams with the 2 and Knight with the 4. That combo is going to be better than Irving/Thompson when it's all said and done.

Anonymous said...

I mean with the first pick. God damn fat fingers...Williams at 1 and Knight at 4.

Anonymous said...

Iceman....we've got agreed on that! Irving is TOTES the bee's knees...but, the Knight/Williams combo is obvz better.

Jaworski is obviously retarded.


GMoney said...

No it won't because Williams is shit. Kyrie and Anyone will always be significantly better than Williams and Knight.

We are never going to stop arguing about this, are we? That's fine, I love being right about as much as I love being white.

Plus, you know, there was no way to know that Knight was going to fall. I mean, Utah took Enes Kanter at the three to sit behind Jefferson, Millsap, and Favors which still makes zero sense. Think about that, they passed on a PG better than the one that they had for a FOURF big man that they gave little burn to.

I would say that Tristan's ceiling is Tyson Chandler ie. someone that has no plays designed for him at all, scores only on dunks, is a decent free throw shooter, and protects the rim like a hoss. But he's only 20 so there is a lot of time to grow.

All of this arguing is pointless though on a day when we had to say goodbye to a true legend. Anthony Parker has officially retired.

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