|The Four Horsemen are getting desparate, aren't they?|
Anyway, as I have mentioned numerous times this week, Iceman and I did an alternating pick mock draft of the lottery (much like Simmons and Chad Ford although ours was done first, bitch!). The results are as followed. One probable change that would have been made after the fact; Beal is definitely not going past #3. Other than that, we're set on our beliefs.
1. New Orleans - Anthony Davis PF/C, Kentucky (G$). This pick requires no explanation so instead I'll just mention that I was umping with Damman two Saturdays ago and some kid had a unibrow. It was terrifying. Are unibrows the new mustaches???
Iceman: Unibrows are the new Buddy Holly glasses.
G$: Teenagers need to be wiped off the Earf.
2. Charlotte - Jeffery Jordan! Just kidding, but that's something MJ would do. Because he's a fucking idiot. The real pick for Air Terrible Owner is Thomas Robinson PF, Kansas (Iceman). Because after "everything", the answer to what Charlotte needs the most is a nasty, snarling PF with boar tusks and a mean streak that would make a rapist blush.
G$: I can't wait for Jordan to make this pick. You just know that he wants Barnes thinking that he will sell tickets and forgetting that 95% of UNC fans hate him.
Iceman: MJ is the black Al Davis. Only more alive and with fewer band-aids covering up fizzing shark bite sized geysers on his forehead.
G$: By acquiring Ben Gordon, I think that Robinson has to be the pick (unless they trade). It's not that Gordon is good or anything but he's already the best player on that team.
3. Washington - Michael Kidd-Gilchrist SF, Kentucky (G$). I actually like the Wiz building around Wall and Nene and getting the head cases out of there. The next move is to get one of the hardest workers that you'll ever find and a guy that immediately makes them better at both ends.
Iceman: Getting the headaches out?? You're aware that's JOHN Wall, right? Beal makes more sense to me here so Washington can stop pretending Jordan Crawford is worth court time/money/putting into a jersey/insert insult here.
G$: I don't mind Crawford. He spaces the floor. Ripping on Wall? You must be reverting back to your alter ego of Cowherd T. Cowherd.
Iceman: Can it. You know Wall has a rep for being a pouting ham wallet.
4. Cleveland - Bradley Beal SG, Florida (Iceman). Beal in Cleveland is the no brainer choice here if the draft falls this way. I mean, it's waaaaay too early for Terrance Jones and Cleveland already has their PF of the future in Luke Harangody locked down anyway. So they can safely ignore that position for the next 12 years. If nothing else, Beal gets rid of Anthony Parker. And I think you would agree we all win in that situation.
G$: Yeah, Beal isn't dropping below 4. He and MKG are interchangeable. A guy compared to Ray Allen is what this franchise has needed for TEN FUCKING YEARS!
Iceman: Cleveland will find a way to trip over their own dick. Gilbert will probably try drafting Danny Ferry again...or dead Tractor Traylor.
G$: I fucking loved Tractor Traylor the one year that he was here and destroyed the paint like Earthquake.
5. Sacramento - Harrison Barnes SF, North Carolina (G$). This is not the right situation for Barnes at all as he needs strong leadership and the Kings offer none of that. And that is what makes this pick work because it would be dumb and the Maloofs are tards. But no one else really makes sense for them here. Iceman: I've read Barnes ceiling is Luol Deng. How depressing if you're a Kings fan. Are you saying Demarcus Cousins showing Barnes how to effectively smuggle coke out of Cuba isn't a strong act of leadership??
6. Portland - Tyler Zeller C, North Carolina (Iceman). Portland needs a center worse than Greg Oden's fuck buddy needs a newly constructed vagina. It was either Drummond or Zeller here and if I'm a GM, I take the guy who works his God damn tail off on both ends of the court. I feverishly avoid the guy who often plays like an infected piss flap, who's only offensive move is "dunk" and who also shoots 29% from the free throw line. No fuckin thank you, Drummond.
G$: Your dream of having Andre Drummond becoming a Piston is gaining steam!!!
Iceman: Well, Dumars does need a new zero offensive game guy who is impressively abysmal at the free throw line now that Ben Wallace is retiring to pursue his career in becoming a full blown alcoholic.
7. Golden State - Damian Lillard PG, Weber State (G$). How do you make a fanbase that already hates management hate them even more? Draft a player from Weber State naturally! You can't count on Stephen Curry to play point or stay healthy and you already dumped Monta Ellis for a guy that looks exactly like Iceman so you better take the best PG in the draft.
Iceman: Agree the move here is a PG...but I actually think Kendall Marshall will be the best PG in this draft. His pass first mentality would fit perfectly with Golden State's offensive weapons. And maybe he could persuade Andrew Bogut to FUCKING RETWEET ME EVERY ONCE IN A GOD DAMN WHILE! Not that I'm bitter about it though...
G$: For some reason this made me LOLZ. I like the idea of you telling Bogut that you are his twin and him ignoring you.
8. Toronto - Andre Drummond C, Connecticut (Iceman). And I vigorously fist pump knowing that Dumars can't bury the Pistons even more with a crippling tardo pick like Drummond. Having teams remove players like Drummond from the board before Dumars can pick is like taking power tools away from a small child. Damage control. Look...Drummond could turn out to be a nice player in the end but there's just too many negatives surrounding him for me to chance it. But if you need a center like Toronto clearly does, you sometimes have to take risks.
G$: You pussy! You know that you wanted Drummond in The D!
Iceman: I cannot allow you to fake draft a sure fire bust to my favorite team. Detroit is already in deep shit as it is without you spoon feeding Dumars turd soup.
G$: Oh, I can draft you a bust...
9. Detroit - Perry Jones III F, Baylor (G$). IF this guy can consistently play hard, he has the skills to be a Durant-type player. I don't know what the offseason will bring for Joe Dumars, but if your 3-4 spots are taken up by Prince, Jerebko, Charlie V, and Jason Maxiell (the worst player in the league) then you could always use a guy with big upside and actual talent. Plus, I think that Iceman would have quit if I gave him Meyers Leonard.
Iceman: Jesus Christ I hate this pick. If Dumars drafts another project who lacks motivation I may go fucking catatonic. Henson is the pick here if Dumars even has a quarter of a brain. Henson's offensive game is questionable but at least he's an ELITE defender and an even more ELITE rebounder. Most importantly...he doesn't need to be cattle prodded to play hard.
G$: Just admit that you wanted Brittany Griner.
Iceman: \nods in agreement. As long as we get her hairy balls too.
10. New Orleans - Jeremy Lamb SG/SF, Connecticut (G$). I'll tell you what, assuming that they re-sign Eric Gordon, you can do a hell of a lot worse than a Gordon/Unibrow/Lamb trio. That's a playoff contender immediately. But to be fair, I have no idea who the hell else is on this team. Jarrett Jack? He's real, I think.
Iceman: You nailed this one. Who knows how long Eric Gordon's brittle vagina will hold up. If nothing else you get a viable replacement for Gordon's inevitable season ending injury.
11. Portland - Dion Waiters SG, Syracuse (Iceman). I'm not totally in love with Waiters but Portland could use better guard DEPF and Waiters has the potential to develop into a pretty solid combo guard. His jumper is about as appealing as Octomom's soon to be released porno featuring her mangled beef curtains (YUCK) but he's a savage on the defensive end of the court. Besides...realistically Portland will never have to lean on him offensively so I'm not THAT concerned about his terrible jump shot.
G$: You had me at Octomom.
12. Milwaukee - John Henson PF, North Carolina (Iceman). This team is fucking AWWWWWWFUL and one pick isn't going to fix the giant skid mark of players they have. Henson can play power forward or center and would be a YOOOOGE upgrade for either position right now. I still can't believe how fucking stupid Drew Gooden's duck tail was. He needs to be dick punched.
G$: Yeah, this should be the pick. I disagree that this team is garbage though. With Jennings and Ellis, they are wildly entertaining. Henson will only make them even more fun to watch.
Iceman: They start Carlos "Dracula" Delfino. The defense rests.
13. Phoenix - Kendall Marshall PG, North Carolina (G$). This is a no-brainer. They are going to lose Steve Nash for nothing in the next month or so and any rational person would have flipped him to a contender at some point over the last three years. They need to replace him. The Suns are a really bad franchise.
Iceman: Steve Nash PG for your World Champion Miami Heat?? Could be! Great pick here, G$. I love Marshall's game and think he's destined to be a stud for the next 12-15 years.
G$: I don't really like Marshall at all. This team is about to be the worst team in the league.
14. Houston - Terrance Jones PF, Kentucky (Iceman). I though about Sullinger here but I heard Houston doesn't carry Sully's bra size. Big tittied bitch. Houston is set at the guard position but needs to get bigger and more physical at the forwards. Jones has the chops to play either small or power forward but also has a reputation for being a little cry baby cunt. We saw Jones dialed in during the NCAA tourney and I'm hoping that's the Jones that Houston will be getting.
G$: I disagree here. They think that they're going to get Duh-wight and they won't which means it's Marcus Camby's corpse and a fleshlight at center for them. Meyers Leonard is the pick (and since they swapped Dalembert and this pick to Milwaukee for the 12, it makes more sense...these goddamn teams keep fucking up our work).
G$: You got anything else?
Iceman: I chug jizz. Like, LOTS of it.
G$: Can I quote you on that?
Iceman: Of course. Balls don't lie.
Enjoy the draft tonight and remember that all of you readers (and especially you commenters) have tremendous upside potential and LEMPH. And Austin Rivers is a total chode.