Monday, June 04, 2012

From The Shed Of Justin Verlander

Somebody get Bogert here a tree to chew on
I was all set to write this post about how bad the Tigers are with one gently grabbing at my nuts in a "suck these" fashion, but an outsider has intervened and asked for this space today.  And who am I to deny the reigning Cy Young Award winner and apparent MVP of the American League?  I mean, most MVPs that I know get owned by Justin Masterson and Phil Hughes but whatevs.  Anyway, one of our favorite random commenters wanted to address everyone and I happily agreed.  Take it away, Justin Verlander!!!

Dawwwww HORSEFEATHERS!  My kitties lost another series yesterday to them Yankee bastards.  We're over two months into this dadgum season and my boys are playing a bunch of angry coons at my pappy's moonshine still!  We just can't seem to put anything resemblin' a winnin' streak together.  Fer Pete's sake, we're lookin' up at the White Sox!  That is not what I had hoped for at this point.  Have you ever been to their stadium?  That is NOT my kind of place at all.  You can't even find a bar that plays David Allan Coe within an hour of that yard.  I don't know if that's a darn crime but it should be.

Before I go any further, TEAM MCCOY!  That sumbitch Hatfield deserted the troops and, most importantly, THE CAUSE!  Had that bastard stuck around with Randall McCoy then maybe Derek Jeter and A-Rod would not have taken me deep!  You know, because this great game would be more "Ty Cobb-ish" if you catch my drift.

Anyway, it was yet another average performance by me yesterdee.  I knew that I didn't have my best stuff when, on my way to the yard, my rebel flag AND my Ron Paul bumper stickers flew off of my monster truck.  I told this to Skip before the game but he was more concerned with his Marlboro reds.  That darn Skip goes crazy when Prince eats his cigs!  Speaking of our big free agent, damn does he suck.  Bring back Sean Casey...at least he was white!  I'm at the point now that if I don't strike everyone out, I just know that no one behind me is even wearing a glove out there.  They all suck.

It was an honor to be there and bid farewell to Magglio yesterday though.  No one supported asshole dictators in Venezuela better than that Juan Valdez.  I'll miss him.  Although I really shouldn't because he never had any tamales when I asked him to give me a tamale every day.  Where was I?  Sometimes I have a hard time staying focused without my oxy.

Oh yeah, another loss.  I'll tell ya somethin', Money Shotters, this team has me more angry than my Uncle Tiny eating day old biscuits!  I'm half tempted to get my fourth Tasmanian Devil tattoo just to show the fellas that I'm super serious!  This losin' has GOT to stop and since I'm not man enough to do it myself, maybe the awesome power of Taz can!

The worst part about yesterday's average outing though was seeing my fourth cousin Roy get arrested after he ran out onto the field in the bottom of the 9th.  He thought that he saw a squirrel and got excited.  I had to tell him that the Coors Original had gotten the best of him and what he saw was Ramon Santiago.  Boy howdy, you should have seen the look on his face!
As for me and yet another garbage start from my arm, I'll recover.  We gutter trash are a resourceful bunch.  I'll head back to my kinfolk and keep whittlin' my pappy a Father's Day fishin' lure.   He's going to love it.  The catfish won't know what hit 'em!
Before I turn off my Dell for the night because my missus is complainin' about me hoggin' all the dial-up down here in Verlander's Holler, I've got just one more thing to say to you all...KURT BUSCH FOR SPRINT CUP!!!

Thanks, JV!  As I mentioned on Friday, I had the displeasure of running into Dut on Thursday and he was quite adamant that the Tigers are done this year.  The more and more that this season drags on, the more that it's hard to do what we all love to do and call him an idiot.  It's June already...it is about time to start playing well.

One more thing, Iceman flooded my FB wall on Saturday night after the Thunder evened the Western conference finals.  Clearly, he likes to smell his own farts.  Well, smart guy, I got so shit-faced on Friday that I was asleep at 9:45 on Saturday night so I have no fucking clue what you're talking about.  And if I didn't see it, it did not happen.  Boom!

One more thing one more time...FUCK YEAH TIGER WOODS!

36 comments:

Grumpy said...

Baseball sucks. That is all.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, it will be great to hear and see the Tiger fellatio-athon. Why would anyone want that tool to win again. I guess because you, like all the media think golf doesn't exist without that twat.

The Iceman said...

Golf is stupid no matter who wins. All I know is that if Tiger got Walt B to be his swing coach shit would be over.

I always knew Verlander was a better blogger than pitcher. And my NBA predictions are ELITE! That's all you need to know. That and Ide owes me $25 now.

Anonymous said...

Give me your email address, preferrably not your fathers.

I might have 4 20 win pitchers in my fantasy squad. Considering I onky use 4 starters, that is tits.

Fuck Tiger. I have never met a worse human being in my life, I hope he dies of AIDS.

I will be back to talk Thrones.

Ide

GMoney said...

Golf doesn't exist without Tiger CLEARLY. No one watches at all.

Ide, moneyshotblog@gmail.com...SEND IT THERE GODDAMMIT!!! And don't worry, I think that I won this week finally. That's two weeks in a row without losing! I'm coming back, BRAH!

Iceman, you are dead to me. Today's picture and caption is quite possibly the best that I can come up with and only you and Damman would get it (maybe Eb) and NOTHING from you. Come on! Verlander is Bogert's son!

No need to wait, Thrones was terrible. Great, the zombies are here now and ready to feed on that fat guy and dragon lady got her dragons back. Who cares? Now Mad Men was incredible last night and is a lock to again win Best Drama.

Anonymous said...

Ha...Verlander leads MLB in strikeouts and is carrying a 2.61ERA. MVP is doing just fine. Your obsession with the Tigers is humorous, but I can understand it because all they do is knock the Yankees out of the playoffs.

I like Tiger Woods now more than I did when he was playing like the GOAT. The Anon poster above is a moron. Tiger still won't catch the Buckeye in majors though.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Jared_vanausdale@yahoo.com. Now you all know my secret identity. Any gay porn sent gets sent back x10.

I was just getting ready to mention that, ass. Relax and let the joke come to you. Having said that...when i first logged on this morning I thought, "I didn't know Bogert and G$ were cool on the level where he would have a Bogart little league trading card from the 80s." Upon further inspection I was stunned to see that it was Verlander. I'm FB friends with Bogert...perhaps I'll ask him if he's noticed before.

GMoney said...

Three losses in a row isn't very ELITE to me. Maybe he should start eating tomatoes on his mexican pizzas.

Justin Verlander said...

Maybe I should start watching more game film and less Dukes of Hazzard reruns.

GMoney said...

Iceman, when it comes to this site's first and likely only Bogert reference, there is never time to relax.

The Iceman said...

Don't sell yourself short, G$. You have at least one more good Bogert reference in your arsenal.

Anonymous said...

Yup...the Tigers score one run yesterday and it's a loss for Verlander which isn't ELITE. Welcome to #G$Logic . Wins and Losses for pitchers are borderline retarded stats. Verlander has pitched six innings or more in his last 54 starts. That's the fourth longest streak in the live ball era. That is why your MVP is ELITE.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

It's really weird that every Sunday, TBS turns into the YES Network and broadcasts Yankee games.

Thrones wasn't bad but one, the zombie/walker hoard wasn't in the book so I'm not sure where they are going with that and two, the climax of the season was last week. Last night's episode was pure set up for next year rather than anything truly interesting.

Tim Kurkjian said...

All this talk about the live ball era is giving me a stiffy. I think I'll go stroke it to some Rollie Fingers highlights...

GMoney said...

Pffft, he can't even stop the bleeding for his 9 figure, under .500 team. DUDE SUCKS!

Anonymous said...

Verlander will be fine. The tigers won't. Thankfully every other team in the division wears clown shoes, so they ain't done yet.

Golf is must watch tv when tiger is playing his best. Only terrorists would think otherwise.

I love nazis.

Dut

Brady said...

The Indians and Tigers are headed down the wrong path this season. I fucking hate the Tigers but not quite as much as the White Sox. Even though Ozzie is gone, the team still can't get that Venezuelan stank of them. I would much rather see the Tigers make it if the Indians continue to choke away yet another good start.

I watched almost 2 hours of the Memorial yesterday! I'm turning into my 80 year old grandfather much faster than anticipated.

Stoneburner arrested for pissing outside some bar on Saturday! I'm sure ESPN is sending their crack team of reporters to C-Bus right now to extract all of the juicy details.

GMoney said...

I thought that you and Damman agreed that the White Sox were for real??? That sounded crazy to me when you both said that. The White Sox are awful even if Chris Sale so sick.

Just want to mention again that I kicked the shit out of JSaul this week.

Anonymous said...

I absolutely think the White Sox are for real. And by for real, I think they can contend in the division all year. But maybe that's just because they turn into the '27 Yankees when they play the Tribe.

Brady, how can you hate the White Sox more than the Tigers? The White Sox have nobody that compares to unlikability of at least 4 Tigers (Peralta, Miggy, fat fuck closer, Prince) just to name a few. And no I don't really hate Verlander. I'm tolerant of white trash.

-Damman

The Iceman said...

Go ahead and defend stupidity, Brady. The point is with a program under constant scrutiny, why do dumbass shit to draw attention to yourself? Straight retard.

GMoney said...

Why the fuck did Valverde dye his hair and chin-pubes blonde? That looks terrible. Unless it's leftover nacho cheese which is probably more realistic.

She$ and Jeff H's pastor back home resigned last week after admitting to kind-diddling (and man-canoodling) in the 70's. That was an awesome letter to receive in the mail. AWESOME.

Anonymous said...

LOLz that anybody would give one fuck about people peeing outside a bar.

How ELITE are Justin Blackmon's drinking abilities? Dude can get after it.

I saw a commercial for Big Brother yesterday...still holding out hope that G$ gets a golden ticket.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Isn't it ironic that you beat me down 7-3 and my team consist of Prince and JVerlander....

What is kind diddling?

To close on the Spurs, I will say by 'bought in' I was meaning 'can contend for a title', not that they are the best team to ever hit the court. Probably brings us back to an Elite type debate?

- J Saul

GMoney said...

I meant kid-diddling. The man of the cloth was a kid fucker. It came out 40 YEARS later. Hilarious! He was a terrible pastor anyway. Not that I go there once or twice a year to learn anything anyway, but he was fucking bad and bad at fucking. WHAT!

Drew, I would say that this week is my last chance at glory.

Anonymous said...

G$, was that the same pastor who married you two? If so, I actually got a Napoleon reference. Time to eat some Campbell's soup and rent to own a new tv!

Thrones was far from terrible. Those dragons cooking that creepy guy was awesome, but little to no tits was kind of a bummer. Zombies are back, and Jon Snow looks like he finally might be tolerable to watch next season. Tyrion also has an ELITE scar.

Ide

Brady said...

I've been kicked out of Heinegate TWICE for pissing outside. Both times I was able to hop the fence and get back in but it happens to the best of us. My ninja pissing skills definitely need some work. Should you run from the cops? Probably not but I'm not too worried about Stoney and Mewhort missing a few team activities in June.

Damman, there is just something about the White Sox I can't stand. It's probably because we get our ass kicked every time we play them in Chicago. Ozzie Guillen still has something to do with it. Plus Konerko is one of the biggest Indian killers of them all. It just seems that we never fare very well against them.

I'm feeling better about our Richardson pick every day. Blackmon is a fucking mess before he's even played a down.

The Iceman said...

Just sweep it under the rug, Drew. Same ol shit, right?

I'm not saying kick the kid off the team but there is something to be said about a guy making idiotic decisions when the team he plays for already has a negative stigma about them.

GMoney said...

Ide, no, we imported our pastor from down by Athens because the wife didn't want that guy being involved in our nuptials. That was some ELITE foresight that she had.

Campbell's Soup is not white trash. It's nothing short of mmmm mmmm good.

All I'll say about Thrones is that the two settings that I cared least about (The Ice Bowl and Weirdotown) had the biggest moments. I still care none about those places. Although Drogo showing up last night was a welcomed surprise. It's too bad that he's still dead.

Is anyone else experiencing technical difficulties with the Uproxx sites today? I need my Fun with Peter King!

Anonymous said...

I don't think pissing outside is idiotic...I think the cops chasing after pissers at 2a.m. when any women and children are asleep are idiotic. So dumb anyone would care about it. Give me a fucking break Iceman.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Yeah, Uproxx has been shitting out on me all day.

Ide

The Iceman said...

I guess we get to pick and choose what laws we follow now, eh Drew? I get it...it's pissing in public. Not doing blow off a hooker's tits in public. But still...why be a dumbass when you know what'll happen with the story if you get busted?

Brady said...

Uproxx is the fucking worst today.

Don't worry Ice. Urban is taking a hard lined approach to urinating in public. We can all sleep better tonight knowing that 2 more street pissers have been taken off the street.

Anonymous said...

I believe the Iceman is objecting to Buckeye fans' moral relativity when it comes into play with their beloved teams.

Eb said...

That photo is pretty sweet, yup could be Brad Bogert.

So now that Golf will matter again...I mean watching golf is as exciting as watching paint dry...unless there is a Tiger on the prowl. That chip shot was fucking awesome! How many girls do you think he banged last night?

I still think Tiger will catch Jack. Shit he has like 14 more years to do it. Tiger will be Elite again.

Game of Thrones - Yeah its great - I'm glued to it, but compared to Blackwater last week it leaves me wanting more.

G$ - you could probably write an entire entry on the gossip and happenings of our hometown. I'm sure there is more than enough material. You can always supplement it with some z-man security headlines.

Paul Pierce is a Bitch! I don't really watch a lot of pro basketball, but I have seen a lot of the playoffs, and he lives a miserable existence! His posture and body language make me so mad.

Ninja Pissing - Could be an entire post on its own.

The Iceman said...

Nice to see you shit heads learned nothing from the Tressel days. Today it's pissing in public, tomorrow...who knows.

price per head reviews said...

A tree to chew. It was quite funny and Congratulation to reach your dream into the league.