Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Doctor Satch Says "NBD"!

Invisible Double HJ!
I have made it quite clear that I am an NFL and NBA Draft junkie. Mock drafts consume way too much of my life when the Drafts start creeping up. But it makes sense considering that my teams are usually picking near the top so I better be well-versed in my scouting (that no one cares about) and opinions (which no one REALLY cares about). Now I have always been a firm believer in the old adage that “if you are ready to go pro then you should always go pro”. ALWAYS. You’re only hurting yourself by sticking around college for another year. You can always go back there but the window to be a pro never re-opens. As a general rule of thumb for ELITE athletes out there; when presented with a tough choice about your future, do the exact opposite of what Matt Leinart did.

Jared Sullinger is about to find this out the hard way as the likely certain top 5 pick in 2011 is about to find himself out of the lottery in 2012. Sullinger has been “red-flagged” by the medical staff of the NBA (likely tested at the Combine last week) due to his past and present (and they assume future, too) back issues. Those spasms that he had last December? Yeah, they are coming back to fuck him. Most are now speculating that Sullinger will not go in the top 14 and some teams have already classified him as a second rounder at best. I guess that some teams only draft players that they assume can play for 10-15 years (NBA teams are dumb).

First things first, obviously you can not predict the future. OJ Simpson seemed like the greatest guy in the world and he went on to murder his wife and a waiter. The past doesn’t always predict the future. Maybe Sullinger takes advantage of world class health professionals that NBA teams have and never has a back issue down the line. But unfortunately the cat is out of the bag and the stigma is now out there. NBA teams are being told that his body will not allow him to have a ten-plus year career in the league. As a guy that already had many doubters due to a lack of ELITE athleticism and was staring at a career as a poor man’s Carlos Boozer anyway, this is kind of a killer.

Second, ESPN reached out to Jared’s old man, Satch, for his take on this story. Satch, who is a basketball coach and most definitely not trained to diagnose anything other than the Mikan Drill (YES!) said that this is not a big deal at all. Jared just has tight hamstrings and other muscles! He’s getting deep tissue massages and doing yoga to STREMPHEN his core! Sorry, dad, but the damage has already been done and no one is believing your extremely biased opinion. But he’ll go to a better team for it.

The last player to get red-flagged like this was DeJuan Blair a few years ago. Now, Blair was not the prospect that Sullinger is, but if I recall, he was penciled in as a late first rounder. He ended up falling into the mid 2nd to San Antonio. However, things have worked out pretty well for the bruising big man with no knee ligaments so it can be done. As far as where I see Sullinger ending up, I had seen most projections for him going around 14 (give or take a few picks) to Houston. Now, I expect him to not make it past Boston’s 2 picks at 21 and 22. If he’s still around for Ainge, the Celtics would be all over him in my opinion. And if he’s still around at 24, I would be furious if the Cavs didn’t sprint to the podium.

Let this be a harsh reminder though: GO PRO. If this wasn’t enough of a lesson; please study the career of current Money Shot celebrity of the month, Greg Oden’s Penis (featuring Greg Oden). As far as the NBA Draft is concerned (a week from tomorrow!!!), The Iceman and I are currently involved in a high risk game of alternating picks Mock Drafting that will be unleashed on Draft Day. Excited? You better be! I’m picking for the Pistons! He’s picking for the Cavs! WORLDS ARE COLLIDING!!! A few other topics to wet your whistle in case you don’t want to discuss Jared Sullinger’s “back-iotomy”:

*Speaking of the Draft, it sounds like Harrison Barnes is sky-rocketing up the board right now. Rumor has it that both the Bulls and Celtics want to get into the top 4-5 and take this kid. That’s interesting considering that Barnes looks like he’d rather be doing anything else than play basketball over the last two years. But these are two smart teams so maybe they know something that we don’t. I can’t see either team being able to pull it off though. The Bulls don’t have any non-Rose pieces that anyone wants and the Celtics’ best offer would likely be Pierce, #21, and #22 and that won’t cut it. Either way, it makes me feel a lot better about the prospect of Barnes ending up in Believeland.

*Game 4…is it over? Because if the Thunder didn’t win last night then it’s over and I need to start preparing my 8,000 word post about LeBron and I do not want to write that yet.

*Michael Jordan just hired the ASSISTANT coach from St. John’s University to be the new HEAD coach of his Bobcats. Michael Jordan knows absolutely nothing about basketball. NOTHING AT ALL. Although if the alternative was a coked-up Quin Snyder than Charlotte needs to get their team taken away again. They literally have zero talent outside of the Byron James Triple Threat. I can’t wait to see who they take at #2 next week. It’s going to be awful. Maybe they’ll re-draft Bismack Biyombo!

*Roger Clemens is INNOCENT! I don’t particularly care about this except that it’s quite obvious that the great Rusty Hardin is an ELITE hillbilly lawyer.

Time for me to skedaddle, I’ve got to get to my yoga class and then spend three hours Mikan-ing the shit out of the paint (DOUBLE YES!). This blog leads the nation in Mikan Drill references.


Grumpy said...

I knew George Mikan, George Mikan was my friend, and you sir are no George Mikan.

Anonymous said...

RA Dickey?


Anonymous said...

Seeing Damman on the big screen winning an upgrade in tickets last night at the Tribe game was ALMOST as awesome as Asdrubal's walk off against Chapman.


GMoney said...

RA Dickey talk is coming tomorrow...I promise.

WHOA! Damman and family was on the Jumbotron? ELITE???

I am beginning to hate Kevin Durant.

Anonymous said...

Question: How do you know that Sullinger wouldn't have been "red flagged" by the NBA doctors if he had left last year?

Answer: You don't. So, shut your trap.

*I could still see him going 10 to NOLA or 14 to Phoenix (GOAT Training Staff)

*Harrison Barnes sucks. He will not be a good NBA player.

*It's gonna be a party in South Beach tomorrow! Wear your white!

*Michael Jordan is not ELITE at being an executive.

*Roger Clemens is a faggot.


GMoney said...

Did he have back problems before this year? I don't know this but I do know that teams probably wanted to know everything possible about his back now. And with last year's one man draft class, even with no back at all he would have went in the top 6. FACTS.

I disagree about Barnes just as long as he goes somewhere with an established #1. I think that he could be a pretty damn good #2 scoring option, just DO NOT expect him to be your superstar. It's why I think that he could do good things in Cleveland or Washington but not in Sacramento or Toronto or Charlotte.

Roger Clemens apparently tells the TROOF! Does this make Andy Pettitte a liar then? Pettitte admitted to taking HGH and I guess The Rocket (not Chet Steadman) had nothing to do with it after all. Interesting!

I don't blame terrible refs for being terrible. I blame James Harden and Kevin Durant for being twats.

Anonymous said...

These back issues didn't just all of a sudden show up this year and they check each guy. Don't be dumb.

Roger Clemens TOTES did steroids.

--Bad Ass MOFO

Anonymous said...

This year's draft was supposed to be stacked. Now, even though some of the players that were picked to be sure fire studs may be thought of as just marginal players now, there's still plenty of talent and intriguing prospects. This is the biggest reason Sullinger fucked himself. He could have been headless and gone in the top 5 last year. This year, not so much. I would think if teams are going to risk it on a guy who may not be who they originally thought, they would do it on a guy who doesn't have lingering health issues.

This is what I've noticed during the NBA finals:

Bitching is everywhere. The bitching virus has infected both teams in it's entirety. Horrible calls are happening on both ends and it's not the reason OKC is down 3-1. Stop being a fucking cunt about the officiating.

Mario Chalmers looks like a black Jonah Hill. In the face more than anything. Also...Thabo Sefalosha is a dead ringer for Sasha Baron Cohen.

Kendrick Perkins needs me to uppercut his balls. That's not really an observation, more of a fact, really.

GMoney said...

Ice, don't forget a very important reason why this series is 3-1 bad guys: their garbage players are contributing and OKC's are not.

I honestly didn't think it was possible for the Thunder to lose when Westbrook puts up 41 and is the best player on the floor. These tampons continue to amaze me. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU FOULING AFTER THAT JUMP BALL!!!

It's over now. Kevin Durant and his no shoulders can use this as a precious learning experience while the rest of us have to choke on Dwyane Wade's shit. Fuck you, Durant.

GMoney said...

Drew, but I don't remember hearing about these back issues until this year. If they were around before then so be it. All I'm saying is that doctors aren't going to inspect the shit out of a prospects back who has never had back issues before. From what we know, these spasms did not come to light until recently. Don't be dumb. And he's not going in the lottery. Quit being a tard.

Prime99 said...

I thought my grandfather played with George Mikan at DePaul, but it looks like he played with Mikan's brother Ed in 1947.

Sacramento should draft an arena.

LeBron said, "Not 2, not 3, not 4..." He didn't mention "not 1" so I guess he'll get 1.

Anonymous said...

Yes, me and the fam were randomly picked for an upgrade. This guy just walks up to us as we are watching batting practice and asks if we want an upgrade in seats. I'm thinking we have to sign up for some credit card or drawing or something, but the only catch was he had to videotape us waving awkwardly for 40 second so it could be shown on the jumbotron. Try standing there, smiling and waving for 40 seconds. Its not easy. But the seats were fucking sweet. Almost sweet as Asdrubal's swing off of Dennis Castro.

Also, saw a guy in a John Elway jersey last night. I actually thought it was kinda funny.


Anonymous said...

G$...Quit acting like back spasms are some fucking outrageous condition. Like 75% of the players in the NBA miss games due to fucking back spasms during the season.

He definitely still could go in the lottery. You are a tard if you think can't. I'm not saying he's going in it, but it's definitely possible.

LOLZ that the NBA doctors don't do thorough checks on these guys, unless they know of pre-existing conditions.

--Bad Ass MOFO

GMoney said...

Typical Indians fan...can't even spell his name correctly.

Didn't say that they weren't thorough for everyone; just saying that a guy with back problems is going to get more looks by more eyes. Quit being stupid. I'm actually a Sullinger fan and think he will be better than most people do. 19-20 year old kids don't normally have back spasms, by the way.

--Dr. G$

Anonymous said...

LOLZ at "19-20 year old kids don't normally have back spasms". Are you a retarded doctor or do you just play one on the internet.

Buford missed a game two years ago with back spasms.

Google "college basketball back spasms". Last year Iowa's best player Eric May missed time due to back spasms. UNC PG Kendall Marshall suffered back spasms last year. Derrick Rose had back spasms last season. Robbie Hummel had back spasms.

I don't even think you know what back spasms are as the majority of basketball players go through them a fwe times.

--Bad Ass MOFO

GMoney said...

HA, Robbie Hummel is Grumpy's dad.

19-20 year old kids don't normally have back spasms. I stand by this. I play an ELITE medical professional on the internet. You are OVERRATED. I was just thumbing through my Big Book O' College Backs and it says that 98% of college basketball players never have had spasms. Suck my dick, faggot.

My big point here is that the NBA has a hell of a lot more interest in Sullinger's back than they do with Andre Drummond's.

Anonymous said...

Larry Bird had back spasms.


MUDawgfan said...

Back from my vactation in California Motherfuckers!

My gift to all of you:
A video of Miami of Ohio Basketball LEGEND Nate Vandersluis teaching The Mikan Drill. Absolutely not a joke. That's how you come back from Vacation.

Anonymous said...

Drew is LOLZ for attempting to justify Sullinger being a lock for the lottery. If you remember, I said weeks ago I didn't think he would be. Do I smell a fuck you post directed solely at Drew?

The point (at least I think) that G$ is trying to make is that after the first 3 or 4 guys in the draft, the remainder of the players who would be selected by a lotto team are all fringe type with about the same amount of talent. If Sullinger already has health concernes, why would a team take him in the lottery when they can get a player just as talented with zero health concerns? It just doesn't make sense to risk a high pick on a guy like that. Plus he blows.

Grumpy said...

"Plus he blows."

I love Iceman.

Anonymous said...

Huh? I'm not attempting to justify anything you moron. I'm saying G$ doesn't know shit about back spasms. I've barely said anything about his talent level today.

--Bad Ass MOFO

Anonymous said...

Your Peter King-like statement of "definitely possible" threw mw off Drew. My apologies.

GMoney said...

It's OK. Drew's just wrong. He just doesn't seem to get that people with past back problems are going to have their backs examined more closely than those without back problems. You know, logic and whatnot. He doesn't get that apparently.

No one better refer to him by whatever nickname he is going by now.

Larry Bird had back problems in his 30's. Thanks for proving my point, Ide.

GMoney said...

What's next? Are you going to sit there and say that you wouldn't watch the reality TV show, "Mike Tyson: Prostitute Hunter"???

GMoney said...

Rumor has it that Golden State is offering up #7 for #24 and Varejao...interesting.

Prime99 said...

Speaking of California- wasn't Iceman making a trip out this way? MUDawg, whereabouts were you on vacation?

Prime99 said...

Golden State is the worst. Seriously.

Anonymous said...


Hopefully, you haven't went to bed yet, though, I'm sure that you've already had a fulfilling supper. I write to you now to plead with you to stop posting liberal propaganda on facebook. I know you to be a logical (pre 8am, before the meds/senility kick in) person, so please don't share retarded pictures of "280000 kids starving at lunch because 3000 millionaires get tax cuts". It is only June, which is WAY too early to start hearing about retarded political angles. I hope this letter finds you well, old friend, and I hope it goes to good use.

Kind regards,


p.s. The fleshlight story over on warmingglow is totes lol

GMoney said...

I had a nice lunch today. It was on the lighter side, but filled me up. Fuck Bubba Watson's kid's friends.

Anonymous said...

Prime, the original plan was to go west. But now we've changed it to souf. Jacksonville, so my whiney brother doesn't have a period over leaving the confines of his magic protective bubble.

Grumpy said...

Ide, my friends post all kinds of shit on Facebook that I just blow through. Chill out, ignore it.