Friday, June 15, 2012

D-Lowe Vs. Dut...WHO YA GOT?

A few weeks ago, I had a streak of, like, three straight posts where I talked about the Cincinnatta Reds. I haven’t mentioned them since! And here I am still calling myself a Reds beat writer. Shame on me! The first edition of the Battle of Ohio wrapped up yesterday afternoon and (at the time of me putting fingers to keyboard for this post) it looks like the Reds are going to sweep the Indians which makes sense because the Reds are way better. But in case you missed the game on Wednesday night, and I assume that you did because these two teams carry little interest outside of Brady’s awful Twitter feed, there is some bad blood a-brewin'! The I-71 War is being fought primarily between two old generals: Derek Lowe and Dut Baker. I got around to reading the postgame quotes yesterday and I could not stop laughing at the childishness and monster-sized gashes of all parties involved. And Mat Latos is hilarious.

OK, so apparently D-Lo Brown drilled Joey Votto in the back with a pitch 3-4 years ago. Crafty Dut (who is not crafty at all) waited until the time was right for revenge and decided that Wednesday was perfect. He had Latos burn a 96 mph fastball up around Lowe’s head. It didn’t hit him but the message was received loud and clear. Nothing really transpired on the field after that but they waited until the microphones were in their faces to really let loose on their true feelings. Let’s go to the tape and breakdown who won this battle!

Lowe“This goes back to my last year with the Los Angeles Dodgers (2008). He made up some phony story. A lot of people got involved. People almost got fired over it. You can ask him right now and he’ll say she has no idea what you’re talking about. But just watch the game. Mat Latos has nothing to do with what has gone on. How would he know? Why in the world would you throw a 96 miles per hour fastball, first pitch, inside to a pitcher? Ask him.”
--Can someone please explain to Derek what a “grudge” is? If Dut believed that you hit his superstar on purpose then why you so mad bro? In Lowe’s world, if he hits a better on purpose, you are only allowed to retaliate back at him if the pitcher throws less than 96. Make sense? Good!

Baker -This is something I want to make a public scene or a public spectacle out of. He’s the one who brought it up. He had some really choice words for me, but I don’t care if he respects me or not. I don’t care what he says. Doesn’t matter.”
--Oh Dut, no one respects you. I think that he may have left a word out of his first sentence. Does he or doesn’t he want to make a public scene? Because, to me at least, he most definitely appears to want to make a spectacle out of this minor skirmish.

Baker again - “Then he takes exception to a ball inside that didn’t hit him. Then he hits Brandon Phillips. I’m not denying nothing. I didn’t tell (Latos) to hit him, but I did tell him to buzz him and make him uncomfortable. And that’s what happened. Nobody hit him, but then he hit our guy.”
--Dusty makes a good point once you weave through his love for double negatives. Maybe Lowe spent too much time around Manny and thus always overreacts to balls that don’t hit him.

Baker is on a roll - “Since he made it public, go ask him what he said and what he did. Since he is such a big man who likes to run his mouth about himself. Man, I don’t care. A lot of people don’t respect me, but he doesn’t respect himself. The word was, that whatever he did and said, he was probably drinking at the ballpark at that time, three or four years ago. So he doesn’t remember what he said, or what he did.”
--Best quote right there. Dusty calls him a “big man” and follows that up by certainly pronouncing it “mouf”. Then he goes into how nobody respects anybody and then finishes up with a wild accusation of Derek Lowe pitching while drunk. That right there is AWESOME.

Lowe - "Three years, I've always come up with men on base. This is the first time I came up with no one on base. Dusty, I was pointing at him because I knew why it happened, and he shook his finger like he had nothing to do with it."
--Derek Lowe points at the Reds dugout like the Royal Rumble winner at the Wrestlemania sign. Dusty Baker is baseball’s Dikembe Mutombo. FACTS!

Baker! - “I wasn’t shaking my finger to say I had nothing to do with it. That means, ‘Don’t mess with me or my team.’ That’s what that means. So he better learn sign language.”
--Dusty IS Dikembe! I wonder if he owns a pair of those God awful early 90’s African tribe-inspired Adidas high-tops? Who thought that Mutombo should get his own shoe anyway? Derek Lowe is the least deaf-friendly pitcher in baseball according to the Reds skipper.

Latos - “If I wanted to hit him, I would have hit him. Flat-out. I would have hit him. It wouldn’t have been something that was close. It was 96 and inside, a two-seamer. I throw inside to pitchers and I’ve never heard a veteran pitcher whine so much. It is whatever he wants to think and we’ll let him play into his ego. If he wants to whine about it, let him whine about it.”
--Pretty tough words for a guy whose slutty-looking wife tries to fight his battles on Twitter. Latos wouldn’t be asking all of these whine-related questions if he knew that Lowe’s middle name was “Dwyane”.

Latos - “Lowe doesn’t throw hard enough for it to hurt, so I wasn’t too worried about it. If he wanted to retaliate, he could have. But he didn’t. That’s pretty crappy, to be honest.”
--BOOM! One T Mat just threw the hammer down! Not only is Derek Lowe a pussy, but he’s also a huge fag!

Dusty, what is that book titled ‘Have We Lost Our Common Sense’ doing on your desk? - “I haven’t started reading that book yet.”
--It’s funny because he’s black and probably can’t read!!! LOLZ!!!

So who won this war of words, fastballs, borderline Ebonics, and bizarre grudges? They all come off as petulant children and since this entire exchange is hilarious, I deem “America” as the true winner here. I’m sort of upset that none of these guys busted out a “That’s a clown question, bro” like Bryce Harper so eloquently said. And if you are looking forward to the next time that all three of these babies get together for a good old fashioned game of beanball, then look no further than Monday night when the scene shifts to Lake Erie and we get Lowe/Latos PART DEUX. Tremendous.

Feel free to chime in early and often about game 2 and remember to make alternate plans on Saturday so that you have an excuse for standing up Iceman. Yankees (16 out of 20, pissfaces!)/Nationals this weekend? Yes please!


Anonymous said...

Some of the comments were just great. Dusty is kind of an idiot when it comes to managing but for some reason his players really like him. This may just be a something to get them fired up in the middle of the season.

I think you cleaned up Lowes comments supposedly they were very expletive laden.

By the way how good is Joey Votto, he killed the Indians and supposedly had the flu all week. If I were Manny Acta you may want to walk him all next week.


Grumpy said...

As if I need an excuse to stand up Iceman.

Dusty is ELITE; just ask wood or Pryor.


Grumpy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Grumpy just wanted to really drive home standing me up with that ELITE double post.

Another reason to not watch baseball. BREAKING NEWS: Damman is on Twitter now so Brady has someone to alternate innings with for Indians Twitter play by play.

Fine. Stand me up. I guess these shots I plan on buying....and there will be many....will just have to go elsewhere. I'm spending a fuck ton of money no matter what. It's just up to you guys whose mouth it goes in.

The end of game 2 would have been pretty sweet to watch, but Buckeye cable thought the end of the 3rd quarter was a great time to have my cable and internet crap out on me. Few things suck more than having to "watch" the rest of a game of your smart phone. Oh well...looks like the Heat made this a series behind Battier and his Chris Bosh like ELITE 3 point shooting.

GMoney said...

Hoffman, I pulled most of my quotes from Hal McCoy at the DDN so they may be lacking Lowe's rant but there is no way that his was better than Dut and Mat's.

I think that billions of people just nodded their heads in agreement when Dut kept reiterating how no one respects him.

Russell Westbrook is such a maddening player to watch. He is sick talented but has stretches where he plays like Ron Artest. His basketball IQ is not very good.

But yeah, that was a foul at the end. It kind of sucked that all the stars were in foul trouble last night but I don't blame the refs for that because those guys were hacking everyone.

Oh well, OKC can't play much worse than they did last night and eventually Shane Battier is going to remember that he is a fag from Duke. Speaking of Battier, how about Kendrick Perkins not being able to back Shane down? What a puss!

Anonymous said...

Dusty Baker and Derek Lowe can both die for all I care.

"But, yeah, that was a foul at the end". Goddamnit G$ is such a faggot when the Heat win.

LeBron's bank shot with a couple minutes left was ELITE.

Words that Iceman probably shouldn't say while in Columbus on Gay Pride Weeekend..."It's just up to you guys whose mouth it goes in."


Anonymous said...

Grumpy, you don't care about baseball remember?

It was an ugly 3 games for sure.

Not sure about this whole Twitter thing. We'll see how it goes.

This feud is beyond stupid.


GMoney said...

Yeah, that was a nasty shot but knowing that it made Juwan Howard happy makes it UN-ELITE.

Back to Westbrook, it's almost like he has no feel for the game. Like when Durant hit 5 in a row and on the 6th possession, instead of feeding the beast again, he doesn't pass and takes a terrible leaner himself. That is Basketball 101--the guy on fire gets to take all the shots no matter what.

Iceman, I'll probably head down tomorrow to see your ass. I'll be dressed like Dolph Lundgren. The queers will be flocking to me.

Can someone make Grump single-post? Enough is enough.

GMoney said...

According to Iceman, I was crushing the LOLZ via text with him last night and he asked me to share.

"Not sure about that (we were discussing how Mario Chalmers is a skinny fat ass and how chipmunk-ish he looks) but I am sure that Mike Miller drinks bologna-flavored Gatorade."

That, my enemies, is how you write comedy. I bring the LULZ.

I also caught myself watching a LOT of the NBA Draft Combine on ESPNU last night. I have no friends.

Anonymous said...

I will be attending the Tribe/Reds game on Tuesday. Maybe I could live tweet, live from the game. Twitter might explode at that point.


Anonymous said...

That was definitely a foul on Lebron on Durant's last shot. It appeared that he fouled him about three times on one shot. Once on the arm, once on the body, and once on his leg on the way up. I don't care much about the NBA Finals, but it is maddening when refs swallow their whistles on blatant fouls in the last 10 seconds of a game. It is one thing if it is a questionable call and you don't want to affect the outcome of a game. Its unacceptable, though, that you would allow a blatant foul to go uncalled in the most crucial moment of the game. A blatant foul should be called no matter when it happens. In this case, even though the refs did not make the call, they still affected the game just as much.

-Lil' Strut

Brady said...

I'm going to make this short and sweet as I am heading up to Kelley's Island for a weekend of debauchary very soon.

Latos is a fag. You got the best of us yesterday but that 5 ERA tells the true story. Shut the fuck up and play the game. If your manager told you to buzz him then fine. You have to follow orders. BUt you have nothing to do with this fued from 3 years back. I really hope he catches one in the ear flap next week in Cleveland.

Baseball fueds are hilarious. It seriously reminds me of high school girls talking behind eachothers backs and pulling eachothers hair. That being said, I don't want them to go anywhere. This is LONG from over. Cincy visits the Jake starting on Tuesday. Unfortunately pitchers won't be batting as this is the AL but I wouldn't count out a bench clearer after all this shit went public.

That's it. I'm out to go drink in the middle of a perfectly good lake for two days. I would check on the responses but my "smart" phone is fucking retarded.

PS. my twitter feed is awesome

Anonymous said...

Drew, the level of drunk I'll be Saturday night it would be unfair for me to rule out anything.

Unfortunatly I was unable to see said call but all I have to say is this: Fouls get missed all the time. Phantom fouls get called all the time. Officiating is something that will never be an exact science nor will it ever be perfect. To blame a loss on one call that happens at the end of the game is just fucking whining. Here's an idea...if you don't want a call like that to happen late in the 4th, don't let the road team mash your balls for the first 3 and a half quarters of a game you're supposed to win. God! Crying about the officials is getting to be really fucking stupid and annoying.

I TOTES agree about Westbrook. He wants to be a superstar so badly he's willing to sabotage his own team for personal glory. He's known for doing shit like that when Durant is flat out unguardable. Even though Rusty is loaded with talent, that part of his game will always prevent him from being really special.

That Mike Miller text was ELITE LOLZ.

Anonymous said...

I am not saying OKC would have won the game if a foul was called. Hell, Durant would have had to drain two free throws and then OKC would have had to defend for 6+ seconds in order to even send the game to overtime. What I am saying is that blatant and obvious fouls must always be called, no matter what the circumstance. To not do so is having more of an affect on the game than calling a questionable, but justifiable call, in crunch time.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

I don't get Brady. He wants Latos to catch one in the ear flap but then says that pitchers don't bat in the AL??? Well which one is it?

Yes, it was a foul and it should have been called but they didn't lose because of that. How about actually showing up in the first half for once? Or try not to fall behind by double digits AGAIN? Or don't do go 9 for 24 at the rim in the first three quarters!

I still think that OKC is going to win this series but goddamn last night was frustrating because they are WAY better than that.


Brady said...

Yeah I fucked that one up a little bit. Maybe one of the position players can throw at him during batting practice or while he's in the dugout. Whatever. I just want him to get hurt.

Hopefully this posts from my "smart" phone.

Anonymous said...

That shitbag Latos with the 5 ERA made you look kind of shitty for 7 innings. How about you get a right handed hitter. I wish the Reds could play you all year. Just bring in our two lefty's late in the game and it is over.

Nothing will come of it next week. There will be warnings given to benches before the game starts. The Reds do not have enough depth on bench and bullpen to have guys suspended.


Anonymous said...

What's the Jake? Never heard of it, Brady.

"Yes, it was a foul and it should have been called but they didn't lose because of that"

THANK YOU! So let's be adults and stop crying about the officiating.

What are the chances the Heat close this out in 5 with 3 straight home wins? What level of pissed can we expect to see you at, G$?

GMoney said...

OKC won roadies in Dallas, LA, and San Antonio...I think that they'll be fine in Miami. I'd say that there is a 95% chance that we're going back to the Dust Bowl.

I'll be really pissed if the Heat win and not just because of LeBron. People that don't deserve to call themselves champions:

*Juwan Howard
*Erik "Thai Ladyboy" Spoelstra
*Mike Miller
*Shane Battier
*Dwyane Wade (at least not again)
*Juwan Howard
*Rony Seikaly
*Juwan Howard

Anonymous said...

Hoffman, its no secret that the Tribe can't touch lefties. Chris Sipple would daminate them.


Anonymous said...

Once Gary Payton and Kendrick Perkins were awarded rings, I gave up rooting against people not getting rings. At that point there was no reason to care any more since the two biggest NBA fucks on the planet are now able to call themselves a champion.

I take that back...I still have a heavy vested interest in Varepubes going ringless for the remainder of his life. I don't even want his boyfriend giving him a wedding ring the day they tie the fudge packing knot.

GMoney said...


Anonymous said...

Iceman...where are you and your homosexual friends going tomorrow?


Anonymous said...

Probably that gay bar you frequent. You know the soon as you walk in they already have your drink of choice on the bar waiting for you.

Other than that I'm not sure...I'm waiting to hear back from him.

Anonymous said...

Tickets have been purchased for Monday's game just to see the benches clear live in person.

Damman - myself, and commenters Rosie and J from JBeanie will be there as well Tuesday night. Get ahold of me and we can grab a beer before or in the stadium.

Completely agree with the Westbrook comments - he is like a bad cock block for Durant. KD gets hot and close to dominating the game and Westbrook takes multiple terrible shots and doesnt let KD even touch the ball. Durant shoots a lot and should actually shoot more than he already does!


Anonymous said...

He said he wasn't given that info...about the bars. So I guess I'll just mass text all you queers when we hit the bars.

GMoney said...

Seal, it happened in the 2nd quarter as well once Teen Wolf put Durant and RW back in. Harden was carrying them and then they just stopped passing him the ball once those two came back. Made no sense.

Damman, it would be wise to accept that olive branch. That would be one ELITE beer. What the fuck has Beanie been up to lately???

Your friend had no idea that you were going to the bars? Your friend is not very intelligent.

Grumpy said...

I am posting once. You know as well as everyone else that double posts are either the fault of Blogger or the user's computer. It's happened to others too.

GMoney said...

Quit being old and stupid.

Anonymous said...

He knows we're going to bars. Just not which ones, you know...since he didn't PLAN HIS OWN FUCKING BACHELOR PARTY!

GMoney said...

Don't get all uppity with me, bitch, you didn't say anything about a bachelor party. Shall I assume that you will be appearing at at no less than 4 all-male revues?

Anonymous said...

Outside of the fact that I did mention a bachelor party. I can resend the text if you want. ANUS!

It is gay pride weekend so......