Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Bobby Bowden Done Got Him An Idea!

LOLZ!
As this blog continues to be at the forefront of breaking college football news, it is my pleasure to finally get around to that Bobby Bowden story from last week. In case you missed what the octogenarian had to say, Bobby told ESPN that he would love to be on a committee to help determine the participants once a playoff format has finally been decided on. According to Bowden, he watches game film on his iPad! Well, dadgummit, get that man a ballot! He’s almost OVER-qualified! Former Texas A&M bad coach, RC Slocum, thinks that old coaches would be best to handle this responsibility because they are used to the public criticism. Ugh, someone put a fucking FOR SALE sign in his yard.

However, the idea isn’t necessarily a bad one once you ignore the fact that this was pretty much what The Harris Poll was supposed to be and ended up meaning baby shit. It would be a great idea to assemble a group of voters (a small group) and make them sit in a room every Saturday and watch football games to determine who deserves to be slotted where. Hell, put them in a room with a big table like the Sons of Anarchy clubhouse with 15 flat screens and endless chicken wings and get this shit right. Bias is never going to be eliminated (EVER) unless you just go strictly based on what the computers say and no one wants a Macbook Pro to set the football final four.

I am on board with this idea (although it needs a lot of work—don’t worry, I’ve done the work). Here are some things that I would consider to be musts if a playoff committee could ever be put into practice:
*Accountability – Every ballot by every member needs to be made public
*Mandatory Media – Yeah, fucker, you’re going to sit in front of the camera and explain why you fell for Frank Beamer’s shit AGAIN
*Variety – I don’t want just old coaches sitting around and falling asleep in their recliners
*Little Bias – As you will see below, most of my choices for my committee are long out of the game
*Out of the Game – Speaking of which, none of the chosen few should be involved with college football

So with those guidelines in place, allow me to unveil my Bowden Playoff Committee…

Ex-Coach – Bobby Bowden! Well, it was his idea after all. Plus, he sort of reminds me of my late grandpa. However, every hour someone must yell WIDE RIGHT directly into his (assumed) ample ear hair.

Ex-Ass Coach – Mike McQueary! It’s not like old ginger dick is going to be coaching ever again anyway. You might as well get some use out of him. He will probably end up being the bitch of the group; getting fresh beers and whatnot.

Ex-Commentator – Keith Jackson! Is he still alive? I think that he is. I’d like to think that he and Bowden could tell some ELITE stories. And Keith has seen it all.
Football is the greatest.
Ex-Brent Musberger Boner Producer – Jenn Sterger!. She set the internet on fire almost a decade ago after showing up to Florida State games looking like a stripper in a Brett Michaels dumbass hat. Her reward for bravery was numerous Brett Favre dick shots. She’s earned this. Sterger is a hero.

Ex-Superstar – Orenthal James Simpson! I already wrote about this years ago. Foresight; I has it.

Ex-Analyst and Current A.D. – Trev Alberts, University of Nebraska-Omaha! It’s my “team”, dammit, and I need someone who will poop all over the Buckeyes. I will never ever forget Trev’s rant about Ohio “being a nice team”. What an asshole this guy is! He’ll be a perfect fit.

Ex-“Analyst” – Craig James! After securing 4% of the vote in his bid for a Senate seat and thus giving up his job at ESPN to pursue this pointlessness, The Pony is now out of work. For as bad as he is at living life, he isn’t THAT bad at breaking down the games. He’s just an awful person and an even worse helicopter parent. BUT HE BELIEVES IN AMERICA!

THIS WAY TO THE MGM GRAND!
Ex-Official – Stephen “Art Shell Ref” Pamon! Do you remember this guy? He got fired by the Big Ten a few years ago because he owed a fuckload of money to casinos throughout the Midwest and some were wondering if he was a black Tim Donaghy. I was a huge fan of Art Shell Ref. I take great pride in giving him work and helping him out of debt.

That right there is a solid group of 8 that is ready to take college football to the next level. Oh shit, what about a potential tie in the voting process? No problem, we’ll just bring in the greatest running back in the history of the world, MISTER TRAVIS PRENTICE, to break the deadlock. What time is it? TRAVIS TIME! Actually, I should probably have this entire committee liquidated and just have TDTravis decide who gets to be in the playoffs. Thoughts?

21 comments:

Grumpy said...

Although I have seen that picture a million times, I didn't know until just now that it was Jen Sterger. Your encyclopedic knowledge continues to amaze me.

I like your committee; you can't totally eliminate bias, but nobody on there has a financial stake in the outcome.

GMoney said...

Yeah, that would be the thing if this was an avenue that the NCAA would explore. The panel members can not be currently involved in the game which would be probably the best way to curb bias.

Sterger also has some Playboy pics out there from her college days. I recommend these but I will not post them here because this is a family site.

1 down, 3 to go...

Anonymous said...

I don't want any of those guys on that committee. I am willing to swap TD Prentice for BUNCE.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Trev Alberts is one of the biggest fucks to grace the earth. And I'm not even an Ohio fan! Alberts loves how Mark May's chocolate love stick tastes.

Isn't OJ in jail? Or is that where the joke is?

GMoney said...

Most of these losers need to redeem themselves for past mistakes. This could be the chance that they need! Plus, TITS!

Roman Bunce would be an excellent option.

OJ mos def is in the slammer. Apparently, breaking into a memorabilia collector's hotel room with a wide array of guns because you want to get your stuff back is not a legal move.

Prime99 said...

Todd Maranovich, Jeff George, or David Klingler could be a nice addition(1 of the 3- not all of them.) If OJ is busy getting sodomized, you could get Maurice Clarett. Otherwise, I fully support this idea. The public nature of the votes is fantastic.

Brady said...

Brilliant group G$! I really don't care who votes as long as it is public knowledge. Having to answer to the media on why you came to your conclusions is a must. I will literally do anything to get a real playoff. This computer shit is un 'merican.

GMoney said...

Prime, good call on Maurice! He can be an alternate.

Jeff George is too busy making Jason Whitlock write about how he should still be a QB in the NFL.

Brady, that's what should be happening now; especially in the Coaches Poll. Make those fuckers explain why "they" voted some average team from their own conference ahead of a good team from somewhere else.

Are we going to talk about game 1? I don't see how OKC is going to lose at home. Those hillbillies won't let them lose. When was the last time that Durant made a jumper that hit the rim? It seems like every time he makes a shot it BARELY even touches the net. KEEP CHUCKIN' UP THEM THREES, BOSH!!! That is your shot!

Anonymous said...

According to O.J.'s Wiki page he was sentenced to 33 years in jail in 2008.....with a minimum of 9 years before the chance of parole. They really threw the book at him due to him TOTES getting away with murder. So, the earliest O.J. is out of the slammer is 2017...he will be 69 or 70 then. What a crazy person he is. Commentator Daniel should pay the Juice a conjugal visit.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Commenter Daniel just needs to be sure to not bring any Buffalo Bills memorabilia with him when he visits. He may get shanked.


-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

You've really got to give OJ some credit. He realized that he should never have been a free man so he did a little armed robbery to right his prior wrong. I'm still pissed that no publisher wanted to touch his crime novel "If I Did It".

Speaking of reading, and this has nothing to do with anything, but I recently read Gene Wojo-whatever's book about the UK/Duke Regional Final game from the early 90's. It's really good but my favorite part was this:

Q. What was Christian Laettner's nickname among his teammates?
A. Asshole. True story!

Brady said...

I don't even know why we have a coaches poll, G$. The fucking coaches aren't even the ones who fill those things out. It's mostly AD's or asst. AD's. The whole system is a mess. Just blow it up and start over.

Johnny Cueto fucked our shit up last night something fierce!

Anonymous said...

Brady...good point on teh coaches poll. That is why this year I will not be recognizing the coaches poll. It is garbage. I will only recognize the AP Poll.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

G$....I remember when Jerry Stackhouse beat the shit out of Laettner on a Pistons team flight years ago. You don't fuck with Jerry Stackhouse.

--Drew

GMoney said...

The real reason why you will be ignoring the coaches poll is because Ohio won't show up in that one. They will for the AP. Quit trying to make us look like idiots.

GMoney said...

Big post tomorrow...not gonna lie

The Iceman said...

I've seen a couple documentaries about Duke basketball. A couple highlights:

Laetner and Hurley hated each other. Real pure hate.

An exchange between coach K and Dean Smith during a game that ended with coach K screaming, "Fuck you, Dean!" The hatred between Duke and UNC is ELITE. These documentaries about Duke/UNC never get old.

The Heat looked good until the 4th quarter...makes me nervous about a 7 game series.

Prime99 said...

Air had better be a Big Brother post tomorrow...

Prime99 said...

Air = It had

Fuck auto correct.

Anonymous said...

G$...That is not true, but it further shows just how terrible the coaches poll is. Don't recognize a team that is playing college football? Go fuck yoself. The AP Poll is where it's at! Those are the ELITE rankings.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Get out of my head (and into my car), Prime.