|U MAD BRO?|
*The Heat beating Boston in 7 games after LeBron was TRANSCENDENT in the last two games. Ugh, it serves me right for rooting for Kevin Garnett. I am digging these funeral-ish video packages of the Celtics though.
*Manny Pacquiao got screwed. Whatever.
*I'll Have Another pussed out. I would feel worse about this if it wasn't a racist horse that won The Belmont. Union Rags? Oh, you know that that horse owns slaves.
*The Mariners threw a no-no with 6 guys on Friday night. No one cares about the Mariners.
*How about Prime's acoustic cover of Danzig's Mother (heard on Facebook and probably Twitter)! Remember when Iceman apologized to us for not being a male sex symbol like Dolph Lundgren or Glenn Danzig? That was a great day.
But the big, under-the-radar news from the weekend is that one of our favorite athletes is about to read "What To Expect When You're Expecting"...
Big Ben's going to be a big daddy.
Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and wife Ashley are expecting a son later this year. Roethlisberger released the news on his official website Saturday afternoon.
Roethlisberger posted: "It is truly a blessing and we are so excited!"
The Roethlisbergers were married just over a year ago in a small enclave north of Pittsburgh in a quiet ceremony attended by a sizable contingent from the organization.
It's been a busy offseason for Roethlisberger, who turned 30 in March and graduated from Miami (Ohio) last month with a bachelor's degree in education. He is expected to join the team for mandatory minicamp next week.
Awww, that's cute. Good for Mr. and Mrs. Big Ben. A son! They are soooo excited! You just know that this kid is going to have some awful name like Skylar or Dylan or The Rock or Stu (after the mother, of course). This kid if definitely going to be Stu's ass-baby.
Anyway, let there be no doubt that this kid will be a dickhead. The Rock Roethlisberger will certainly be a BRAH. In fact, we might as well fast forward to the future a year when the little poop machine meets John and Jim at the local TGI Friday's...
John: Where's our fat ass nubian princess waitress, Bro-ey Crawford? We've been waiting for Jack Daniels ribs for over 5 minutes now!
Jim: Tell me about it, LeBRAHn James! I was going to tip her with a 2 liter of Sunkist but not now.
(Little Ben rolls up to their booth in his stroller with spinner rims)
Li'l Ben: Sup faggots! Which one of you two is going to suck my gray baby dick first?
John: WHOA! Look at this little Broseph Addai!
Jim: Bro Jackson, you've got some nerve talking that way to us!
Li'l Ben: Don't make me drag you limp dicks to the bathroom and make you men.
(Li'l Ben pulls out two bottles of Smirnoff Ice and presents them to the HarBRAHS)
Li'l Ben: YOU TWO DONE JUST GOT ICED, SON!
(BRAHS slam them as BRAHS are wont to do)
Jim: I like this little BRAHsh Hamilton!
John: Me too! I almost feel like tapping him in his little nutsack! Come on, Bro and Little Bro, let's chuck some bananas at our waitress and leave without paying.
Jim: Yeah! Let's all drive over to Jim Schwartz's house and shit on his porch.
Or at least that is how I imagine the first interaction between Dut Roethlisberger and the HarBRAHs would go. So, what say you about college graduate Big Ben procreating? How about some potential names? How annoying will Grumpy be today? Is he throwing the baby shower?
In conclusion, we as a society need to do whatever it takes to prevent Little Ben and Little Jay Cutler from ever crossing paths. You just know that those two would be best of friends and would take over the world with supreme douchiness. The rampant collar-popping would destroy the universe.