Monday, June 11, 2012

Big Ben Still TOTES A Changed Man

U MAD BRO?
It was a busy weekend in the vast realm of sports.  You had:
*The Heat beating Boston in 7 games after LeBron was TRANSCENDENT in the last two games.  Ugh, it serves me right for rooting for Kevin Garnett.  I am digging these funeral-ish video packages of the Celtics though.
*Manny Pacquiao got screwed.  Whatever.
*I'll Have Another pussed out.  I would feel worse about this if it wasn't a racist horse that won The Belmont.  Union Rags?  Oh, you know that that horse owns slaves.
*The Mariners threw a no-no with 6 guys on Friday night.  No one cares about the Mariners.
*How about Prime's acoustic cover of Danzig's Mother (heard on Facebook and probably Twitter)!  Remember when Iceman apologized to us for not being a male sex symbol like Dolph Lundgren or Glenn Danzig?  That was a great day.

But the big, under-the-radar news from the weekend is that one of our favorite athletes is about to read "What To Expect When You're Expecting"...

Big Ben's going to be a big daddy.

Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and wife Ashley are expecting a son later this year. Roethlisberger released the news on his official website Saturday afternoon.

Roethlisberger posted: "It is truly a blessing and we are so excited!"

The Roethlisbergers were married just over a year ago in a small enclave north of Pittsburgh in a quiet ceremony attended by a sizable contingent from the organization.

It's been a busy offseason for Roethlisberger, who turned 30 in March and graduated from Miami (Ohio) last month with a bachelor's degree in education. He is expected to join the team for mandatory minicamp next week.

Awww, that's cute. Good for Mr. and Mrs. Big Ben.  A son!  They are soooo excited!  You just know that this kid is going to have some awful name like Skylar or Dylan or The Rock or Stu (after the mother, of course).  This kid if definitely going to be Stu's ass-baby.

Anyway, let there be no doubt that this kid will be a dickhead.  The Rock Roethlisberger will certainly be a BRAH.  In fact, we might as well fast forward to the future a year when the little poop machine meets John and Jim at the local TGI Friday's...

John: Where's our fat ass nubian princess waitress, Bro-ey Crawford?  We've been waiting for Jack Daniels ribs for over 5 minutes now!
Jim: Tell me about it, LeBRAHn James!  I was going to tip her with a 2 liter of Sunkist but not now.

(Little Ben rolls up to their booth in his stroller with spinner rims)

Li'l Ben: Sup faggots!  Which one of you two is going to suck my gray baby dick first?
John: WHOA!  Look at this little Broseph Addai!
Jim: Bro Jackson, you've got some nerve talking that way to us!
Li'l Ben: Don't make me drag you limp dicks to the bathroom and make you men.

(Li'l Ben pulls out two bottles of Smirnoff Ice and presents them to the HarBRAHS)

Li'l Ben: YOU TWO DONE JUST GOT ICED, SON!

(BRAHS slam them as BRAHS are wont to do)

Jim: I like this little BRAHsh Hamilton!
John: Me too!  I almost feel like tapping him in his little nutsack!  Come on, Bro and Little Bro, let's chuck some bananas at our waitress and leave without paying.
Jim: Yeah!  Let's all drive over to Jim Schwartz's house and shit on his porch.

Or at least that is how I imagine the first interaction between Dut Roethlisberger and the HarBRAHs would go.  So, what say you about college graduate Big Ben procreating?  How about some potential names?  How annoying will Grumpy be today?  Is he throwing the baby shower?

In conclusion, we as a society need to do whatever it takes to prevent Little Ben and Little Jay Cutler from ever crossing paths.  You just know that those two would be best of friends and would take over the world with supreme douchiness.  The rampant collar-popping would destroy the universe.

23 comments:

Grumpy said...

I couldn't be more thrilled if it were mine, which it could be.

The Iceman said...

First of all...I stand by my original argument involving Danzig and Lundgren. It was an ELITE argument won by me. But then again they're all won by me since we've established I'm the smartest guy here.

Second, I can't wait to hear about all the white trashy things Raper does with his kid. Like...he'll probably get him a pacifier from Spencer Gifts that looks like a tit. How great will the birds and the bees talk be with Raper and his kid? "But here's the most important thing, son. If she says no the start buying her hard liquor. That way when you rape her in the bathroom she doesn't have a case. Because she will come to her senses the next morning after the El Toro wears off. That's what I meant by always use protection. Oh...and make sure you pull out your cock on the way to the rape room of your choice. It's kinda like our signature move. Plus the chicks love it." God! Can I purchase a ticket to that event?

The best part about game 7 was watching Garnett storm off the court like a fucking cry baby bitch before the game was over when only a few days prior he wouldn't shut up about being a "true professional". Go fuck yourself, dick face.

GMoney said...

Is there any doubt that Harbaugh family functions involve a lot of icing? I'd bet that Tom Crean constantly gets iced.

Hey Brandon Bass, go ahead and cover LeBron by yourself all FOURF quarter and we will give you zero help. I am Doc Rivers and I am a coaching legend!!!

Chris Bosh and Garbage Battier making a combined 7 threes...that won't even happen in practice ever again.

The Iceman said...

Sorta like Rondo going for 44 in a game? And Keyon Dooling/Mikael Pietrus hitting 3s with regularity? The Celtics played more out of their ass this series than just about any team I've ever seen. And that includes that Cavs team that accidentally made the NBA finals.

Anonymous said...

Fuck the Celtics.

I think the thing I like most about the Raper thing is that Roethilsberger has an "official website". I really hope that this is a subscription based web-site and that Grumpy is the only person willing to fork over monthly fee. It's probably filled with home videos of him jet skiing over big waves.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

While at Costco, I saw a huge box of Smirnoff Ice. I laughed and thought to myself, "Who on God's green titty fucking Earth would buy this?" Now I know...

Glenn Danzig is the man. I ended with that at my show on Saturday because I figured that if people were less than impressed, the show would be over anyway (this was a show where I had already played for 3 hours at a brewery/restaurant.) I was surprised that t got a strong positive reaction.

Jay Cutler also has an official website. He raises money for diabetes and makes pouty faces on it.

OKC better be able to beat the Heat. I enjoy making fun of LeBron too much to let that go. Even if he wins, he will still wear Urkel glasses so that is still stupid.

GMoney said...

It doesn't matter now that it's over, but Rondo is one of the best players alive and no one on Miami could guard him. Not really flukey like Boshtrich making three threes in a game for the first time ever and Shane Battier not being offensively worthless for a few possessions. I'll give you Dooling being rotten but Pietrus has shown flashes in the past that he can be competent.

Funny story about Big Ben that I can't believe that I've never told here before. My Senior year of college, I had this exchange with a girl that I was dawgz with...

Girl: Hey, a friend of mine (I did not know this girl) has been hooking up with Big Ben.
G$: Oh yeah?
Girl: Yeah, apparently he's a "face-fucker".
G$: That's hilarious.

GMoney said...

You know how stupid girls like to take pictures while making that awful "duck-face"? Jay Cutler invented that look.

Prime99 said...

I was setting up a new fantasy football league yesterday which made me think of two things- 1) we are still doing the Money Shot fantasy league this year, right? 2) Anyone want to do a live draft in Reno August 18th?

The Iceman said...

Dude. Come off it. I'll give you that Rondo is a top 5 NBA point guard but in that 44 point performance he shot the fucking lights out. That was as flukey as performances come. If I remember correctly he didn't miss a single FT, shot like 70% from 3 range and was hitting 18 footers like Jordan. It's widely known that Rondo is a terrible shooter so for him to put up numbers like that is an absolute fluke. It will never happen again. Ever.

Pietrus is French so he is, by rule, always terrible. He should also have the whispy french moustache and I'm pretty mad he doesn't.

Brady said...

Rapelisberger having a boy is horrifying. This will be the first case of toddler rape for sure. I can see lil' Ben luring unsuspecting victims into the ball pit with promises of candy and jiggling keys. The kid will likely be a sociopath by the time he hits 1st grade.

Game 7 was one big whine fest. Seriously, are there two other teams that bitch and moan more than MIA and BOS? They have to be the most unlikable teams out there. I really hope that OKC kicks the shit out of Miami. I think we all know Bron Bron is going to get his but the rest of that team is defendable. Make it happen boys.

Maybe the Tribe should just play all of their series on the road this year. They fucking dominate away from the Jake.

GMoney said...

I hope that Big Ben skull fucks you this afternoon.

Anonymous said...

Grumpy....FYI....Just because you've had sex with Roethilsberger, it doesn't make it possible for his wife to have your baby. It doesn't work like that.

UNLESS....you sucked Roethilsberger's dick and then when he finished you immediately ate out his wife. I could see you taking some credit for that child under that scenario.

--Drew

GMoney said...

THAT IS ENOUGH, DREW, you're going to make everybody sick. There will be no more discussion of Grumpy snowballing with the BRAHthlishbergers.

Mr. Ace said...

The MSFL will still be happening this year. I think the online draft will work out the best for us again this year. I don't have any dates yet...because it's fucking June. But we will figure something out.

Thunder in 5...6 max.

Anonymous said...

I was eating scrubway as I read drews comment and almost lost my cookies.

Did anyone watch the fight this weekend? I didn't even know there was a big fight going on, but I kind of want to watch to see how bad of a decision it was.

Tigers pwned chapman/the reds last night. Remember when g$ ripped on austin Jackson all of last season? Jackson is having an ELITE season so far. Eat shit.

I met Gerald laird and max scherzer Saturday night in Cincy. Laird was wearing his giant world series ring and hammering beers. He told me the tigers will make a run this year. I retract my statements about the tigers being done.

Dut

GMoney said...

Jackson was dominating the disabled list. Truly ELITE, I mean, look at the positive influence that he's had on the Tigers! Their record is a reflection of his greatness.

You would hang out with Gerald Laird and Ol' Fake Eyes.

GMoney said...

WHOA! Chad Ford is reporting that the Cavs have offered NOLA our entire draft (4,24,33,34) for Anthony Davis. Now, obvz they will say no but I RESPECK the balls to try.

Prime99 said...

I hope Dan Gilbert sends out a public letter about NBA conspiracy when their offer gets turned down.

Ace! Not trying to rush you. The league was great last year, and we can all relate about getting randomly excited about fantasy football in June. Murder Panties will be out for blood and revenge this year... But mostly blood.

The Iceman said...

I'm in for the MSFL. But I vote we remove the RB/WR spot or the flex spot. There's no need for 2 flex positions on a fantasy team. Either remove one flex or remove the TE. There's just too many roster spots to fill. That is...unless you enjoy starting guys like Riley Cooper every week.

Anonymous said...

Gerald Laird is a huge douchebag and a shitty baseball player.

--Drew

GMoney said...

He and Dut are getting married after meeting each other match.com.

Mr. Ace said...

Ice, I agree. I like having two flex type positions because it allows more freedom. I might dump the TE position. But I agree, the rosters got pretty thin.