Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Another One Bites the Dust

 "Just wait until my lightsaber is out of the shop.  Then we'll see who the pussy is."

One thing I learned fairly quickly about getting older is when you have ELITE drinking weekends with Money Shotters, the body takes awhile to right the ship.  I think it was about 2PM yesterday afternoon when I didn't feel like a rotten penis hole anymore.  But it was worth it, God dammit.  A highlight that went unmentioned was me forgetting Jeff's name literally two minutes after G$ had to remind me that he went to Napoleon.  Sometimes I can be pretty rad...especially when I introduced the group to the groom to be and completely bricked on Jeff's name a second time.  Even as I'm writing this there's still a portion of my brain that's telling me that I'm still not getting that name right.  Oh well, he's fuckin Jeff now if he wasn't before.  DEAL WITH IT!

So as you all know, a chapter of most of our football lives has come to a tearful close with the retirement of the player formerly known as Ladainian Tomlinson.  I wanted to recap my favorite (or not so favorite) LDT moments today but first I must share this.  Today I received the most retardedly retarded text in the history of retard texts.  From none other than my Jacksonville Brother, Tardus Maximus.  Now Tardus and I once had a conversation about 5 years ago about LDT and how quickly he will be enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.  Tardus' stance was, and remains, that LDT will NOT be a first ballot HOF'er.  I know.  You want to punch him in the belly until there's bones in his stool.  So do I.  So we made a wager that will be finalized at a later date (since we have 4 years to figure this shit out).  I told him make sure that it's something he doesn't mind parting ways with because there's no way in Jesus Titty Fucking Christ I'm wrong about this.  If I am somehow wrong, Grumpy will take us all out for ribs again.  FACT!  Anyway...just wanted to share a very Cowherdian statement from the one and only Tardus Maximus.  Onward.

One of my more fond memories is drafting LDT in his rookie season for $24 on a $160 cap.  I was unanimously picked to finish last in the league that year and was raked over the fucking coals for spending such a stupid amount of money on a rookie.  But LDT's 1,200 yard, 10 TD rookie campaign made for a great invitation for the entire league to suck my butthole and gargle my spray farts.  I mutilated everything in my path spear headed by LDT and Rich "I don't know how NFL overtime rules work" Gannon.  Honorable mention goes out to Stephen Davis and his 1,600 yards from scrimmage.  It was one of the few times I purposely drafted a Redskin.

A not so fond memory is any time I played against this motherfucker in 2006.  And since I'm a sick bastard and usually have five or six teams every year...it was a lot.  You all have been there.  Some games I found myself gritting my teeth so hard I thought I was going turn them to dust.  There was no avoiding the anal wreckage of LDT in 06 if you were unlucky enough to not have him.  He would Car RamRod your crap factory and not even blow you a kiss afterwards.  You just knew you were getting fucking destroyed whatever week you happened to be playing against him.  Those were dark fantasy days for me.

Call me gay all you want, but that Nike commercial with LDT and Polamalu gives me the fucking chills every time I see it.  It's still one of the best I've ever seen to date.  Speaking of commercials...this one still cracks me the fuck up.

Finally, LDT still takes a lot of heat for the AFC Championship game in 2008 when he sat on the bench doing his best Darth Vader impersonation.  The way he acted never bothered me.  The fact that he wanted to play so bad but couldn't was so infuriating to him all he could do was sit there and be pissed.  I feel his pain.  I've been there.  Plus would you want to risk a career ending injury for Norv Turner?  Fuck no you wouldn't.  We're talking about a guy who should be fired every single year yet somehow continues to keep his job and LDT's supposed to risk tearing a knee ligament for him?  Uhhh, no fucking thank you.  You know you agree with me because we all have our Norv Turner's.  Mine was Walt Behrman.

It was incredible how quickly Tomlinson decayed.  I mean, it was pretty much overnight wasn't it?  On one hand I'm sad to see him go because he was such a talented back, but on the other hand I'm thrilled.  Never again will I have to waste a late round pick on him with the false hope I can squeeze one more productive year out of his creaky bones.  Now I just have to figure out what I want to win off of my dipshit brother.  God Speed, LDT.  Now go replace Michael Irvin and his earwax gold suits on whatever NFL pregame set he makes totally unwatchable.


Grumpy said...

When running backs go it's usually quick; he lasted longer than most.

Just think, LDT and Hines will be in the same HOF class.

Anonymous said...

You're fucking high. If Cris Carter isn't a first ballot, Hines Ward certainly isn't.

I keep telling my brother that Marshall Faulk was a first ballot and Tomlinson has better stats in fewer years played. Still...nothing. He deserves to lose for being so dumb.

GMoney said...

I still think it was a bitch move for him to sit out that AFC title game with a sprained knee when his Floatmaster General QB played the entire game on a torn ACL. And a handful of years after that game, Junior Seau killed himself. NEVER FORGET!

Peter King talked about this yesterday and ranked Sproles as a better multi-purpose back than Marcus Allen. Peter King knows football???

Tomlinson is going in right away. There is no doubt. In my lifetime, he is no Barry Sanders but he is in the class with Emmitt and Faulk. That's an ELITE group to be in.

LaDainian destroyed my fantasy asshole more than any other opponent ever.

GMoney said...

And why is it so shocking at how rapidly he declined? Once RBs hit 30, it's over.

Anonymous said...

Hot damn Iceman has some emotional attachment to Tomlinson. I can't say that I have any.

Any thoughts on what R.A. Dickey is doing in baseball right now? 37 years old...throws in the 70mph range and nobody can fucking touch him. Unreal. We should all quit our jobs and become professional knuckle ball pitchers.


Anonymous said...

I'm not gonna say it wasn't mildly impressive that Marmalard played on a PARTIALLY torn ACL. But the running back position relies more on knee ligaments than the QB position does. Pocket passing QBs can come back from an ACL a lot easier and way more effectively than any other position. The lateral movement is sparce. There's so many examples of RBs who tear an ACL and are never the same player again. So I think it's unfair to label him a clam for sitting out with a sprained ACL knowing what we do about knee injuries vs. the position.

And that's not completely true about RBs and 30. Emmitt Smif had two good seasons after 30. Thomas Jones had his two best NFL seasons at 30 and 31. I mean, LDT fell off the fucking planet as soon as he turned 30. It wasn't an eventual decline like what happens with most RBs. It was overnight.

Prime99 said...

LDT's first year on the Jets was a year that he participated in one of my championship seasons... You know, the one where I was victorious with Rex Grossman at the helm during the championship week.

Tomlinson is first ballot material. No question about it.

RA Dickey is impressive and his name is hilarious as well.

GMoney said...

Just a reminder, you are not a doctor.

No it was not. Two years ago, Tomlinson scored double digit touchdowns for the Jets. And if you want to build your fantasy team around 30 year old RBs then go ahead. You'll finish somewhere between last and dead last.

Drew, I've got a lot of thoughts on Dickey as I just finished his biography but I'm holding off for my big baseball post later this week.

Prime99 said...

You're telling me LDT was on the Jets for more than two years?! Wow- he has been irrelevant for a while now.

GMoney said...

By the way, where has Ide been? Other than receiving this completely logical and not racist text from him on Sunday...

"Happy Father's Day!--no black person ever"

...we have not heard from him in awhile.

Anonymous said...

The fact that Dickey is not walking anyone is, to me, the most impressive thing. Knuckleballs pretty much have a life of their own. You just kind of aim it at the plate and hope it gets somewhere around there. It is the coolest pitch in all of baseball.

GMoney said...

Is anyone else following this Saints lawsuit against Goodell still? Rog still won't show any evidence for why he handed down these ridiculous suspensions. Fuck that guy. As Drew Brees so eloquently put it, this is like the government trying to prove that Iraq had WMDs.

Horrible analogy aside, you got called, Rog, now show your fucking hand.

Anonymous said...

G$...Get that big baseball post postd ASAP!


You can suck my OSU dick. Enjoy that OSU mushroom stamp on your forehead from that Ohio Supreme Court ruling.


Anonymous said...

I don't know what to make of that G$. I would assume that if he shows his evidence then he shows who snitched. He's got to find a way to show it though.


Brady said...

LDT was responsible for my only fantasy championship ever. That 2006 season was outstanding. I could've won only starting him at the RB position.

One thing though. Can we stop with the one day contract bullshit so you can retire for a certain team. I can't believe I'm agreeing with Peter King but that shit is retarded. We remember you played for the Chargers dude.

RA Dickey is going crazy right now. FIVE starts without an earned run and 2 one hit shutouts in a row! That shit be crazy.

Anonymous said...

I thought they have already showed the evidence. On espn this morning they were plying audio from the sidelines from that nfc champ game and they have hargrove on tape asking for his money for knocking favre out. Also, shefter said that the nfl showed him and like six other reporters all the evidence. Maybe I misunderstood what was disclosed.


Grumpy said...

I hate to go off topic, but I was out most of the day yesterday and missed the comments until last night.

Let me just say that Drew is one Bad Ass MOFO.

GMoney said...

Damman, I THINK that it is Vilma and Fujita and guys like that demanding proof that they put money into a kitty. Yeah, they have audio of fishy shit going on and Williams being a fucking idiot, but Rog needs to prove the players did wrong before taking away millions of dollars in game checks from these guys. I like it. If you're going to throw down a massive hammer then you better be able to show your work.

Drew, explain whatever you're talking about because I'm not going to look into it.


GMoney said...

I don't mind one day contracts. Tomlinson SHOULD retire as a Charger, not in Florham Park, NJ. Emmitt Smiff earned the right to call it quits as a Cowboy, not a Cardinal.

Agreeing with Peter King automatically makes you incorrect. Now go put a bushel of huckleberries in your beer.

Anonymous said...


G$....ESPN sued OSU for Tressel/Pryor/Sarniak e-mails about a year ago. Court told them to eat shit today in a 7-0 unanimous decision.

You best bring that big baseball post ASAP. WE WANT TO TALK ABOUT R.A. Dickey

--Bad Ass MOFO

GMoney said...

Grump, you are an asshole. See what you started? Now he's even going to be MORE insufferable!

Anonymous said...

I have been splitting some time between Upstate NY and Atlantic City, so I haven't been able to post much, save for a few non raycess texts. Between massive hangovers and a few days of actual hard work at my job, I have some time to do real bidness.

LT being a charger is sufficient. People still remember Joe Montana for retiring a Chief so I don't see the uproar. And, as mentioned earlier, agreeing with PK is PGay (zing!).

I won't talk about R.A. Dickey if you include that Anne Franks Ashes has him, Matt Cain, and CC going skeet happy on everyone else's backsides (often on the same day) in your post.


Knuckleball said...

RA Dickey and I go WAAAAAAY back. I love when he digs those fingers into my hide. It makes get all floaty and shit.

Anonymous said...

Way to go Grumpy. Like Drew needs an ego boost.

Also have no problem with the one day contract. He laid his body on the line for that organization and will never walk right again. The least they can do is allow him the dignity of ending it where he started it. He's earned it. I can't believe you agreed with Peter King. Go play tummy sticks with Colin Cowfucker, Brady King.

Brady said...

I'm gettin all misty at the thought of signing that one day contract to "officially" retire as a Charger. Now I'm going to go eat Bon Bon's and watch some of the WE network.

Who give's a shit if he signs some sham piece of paper? Wear your Charger hat when you get inducted and call it a day.

GMoney said...

Tomlinson may never walk right again, but will he still be able to ride his stationary bike on the sideline???

Knuckleball is the worst commenter of all time. He is sub-Dut.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, Brady King...you don't give a shit about the one day contract until that sloth Thome wants to retire an Indian. Then I'm sure you'll flop your story (just like when Ohio hired Urban Meyer) and go have a beat off party with the rest of the doucher Indians fans.

Brady said...

Um, I still haven't forgiven Thome for leaving the Tribe the first time around. He lied to the fans and the media when he left Cleveland for an couple extra million $'s. That was something he promised NEVER to do. I f he wants to go into the HOF as an Indian, that's sweet. I'm not losing any sleep over a fake contract though.

GMoney said...

It was 20 million, not "a couple". You would have done the same thing.