Tuesday, June 19, 2012
One thing I learned fairly quickly about getting older is when you have ELITE drinking weekends with Money Shotters, the body takes awhile to right the ship. I think it was about 2PM yesterday afternoon when I didn't feel like a rotten penis hole anymore. But it was worth it, God dammit. A highlight that went unmentioned was me forgetting Jeff's name literally two minutes after G$ had to remind me that he went to Napoleon. Sometimes I can be pretty rad...especially when I introduced the group to the groom to be and completely bricked on Jeff's name a second time. Even as I'm writing this there's still a portion of my brain that's telling me that I'm still not getting that name right. Oh well, he's fuckin Jeff now if he wasn't before. DEAL WITH IT!
So as you all know, a chapter of most of our football lives has come to a tearful close with the retirement of the player formerly known as Ladainian Tomlinson. I wanted to recap my favorite (or not so favorite) LDT moments today but first I must share this. Today I received the most retardedly retarded text in the history of retard texts. From none other than my Jacksonville Brother, Tardus Maximus. Now Tardus and I once had a conversation about 5 years ago about LDT and how quickly he will be enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Tardus' stance was, and remains, that LDT will NOT be a first ballot HOF'er. I know. You want to punch him in the belly until there's bones in his stool. So do I. So we made a wager that will be finalized at a later date (since we have 4 years to figure this shit out). I told him make sure that it's something he doesn't mind parting ways with because there's no way in Jesus Titty Fucking Christ I'm wrong about this. If I am somehow wrong, Grumpy will take us all out for ribs again. FACT! Anyway...just wanted to share a very Cowherdian statement from the one and only Tardus Maximus. Onward.
One of my more fond memories is drafting LDT in his rookie season for $24 on a $160 cap. I was unanimously picked to finish last in the league that year and was raked over the fucking coals for spending such a stupid amount of money on a rookie. But LDT's 1,200 yard, 10 TD rookie campaign made for a great invitation for the entire league to suck my butthole and gargle my spray farts. I mutilated everything in my path spear headed by LDT and Rich "I don't know how NFL overtime rules work" Gannon. Honorable mention goes out to Stephen Davis and his 1,600 yards from scrimmage. It was one of the few times I purposely drafted a Redskin.
A not so fond memory is any time I played against this motherfucker in 2006. And since I'm a sick bastard and usually have five or six teams every year...it was a lot. You all have been there. Some games I found myself gritting my teeth so hard I thought I was going turn them to dust. There was no avoiding the anal wreckage of LDT in 06 if you were unlucky enough to not have him. He would Car RamRod your crap factory and not even blow you a kiss afterwards. You just knew you were getting fucking destroyed whatever week you happened to be playing against him. Those were dark fantasy days for me.
Call me gay all you want, but that Nike commercial with LDT and Polamalu gives me the fucking chills every time I see it. It's still one of the best I've ever seen to date. Speaking of commercials...this one still cracks me the fuck up.
Finally, LDT still takes a lot of heat for the AFC Championship game in 2008 when he sat on the bench doing his best Darth Vader impersonation. The way he acted never bothered me. The fact that he wanted to play so bad but couldn't was so infuriating to him all he could do was sit there and be pissed. I feel his pain. I've been there. Plus would you want to risk a career ending injury for Norv Turner? Fuck no you wouldn't. We're talking about a guy who should be fired every single year yet somehow continues to keep his job and LDT's supposed to risk tearing a knee ligament for him? Uhhh, no fucking thank you. You know you agree with me because we all have our Norv Turner's. Mine was Walt Behrman.
It was incredible how quickly Tomlinson decayed. I mean, it was pretty much overnight wasn't it? On one hand I'm sad to see him go because he was such a talented back, but on the other hand I'm thrilled. Never again will I have to waste a late round pick on him with the false hope I can squeeze one more productive year out of his creaky bones. Now I just have to figure out what I want to win off of my dipshit brother. God Speed, LDT. Now go replace Michael Irvin and his earwax gold suits on whatever NFL pregame set he makes totally unwatchable.