Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Unsolved Ohio Mysteries

Please find our 472 year old weirdo, Mr. Stack.
Do you remember back a few months ago when Dut disappeared from the comment section for a few weeks and nobody cared because he’s just being lazy and doesn’t want to take an extra ten seconds to comment from his phone? Well now we have a real crisis as (at the time of me writing this up) one of our own is officially “internet missing”. Oh sure, Grumpy is still posting racist and homophobic propaganda at his site, but that could have been queued up days ago. Something isn’t right here. We can all live without Dut (who is OBVZ only considering a move to Charlotte to get closer to Carl Edwards) but I’m not sure about the old man. He must be found. This is shaping up to be the toughest case in the history of the internet. Where are you, Grumpy?

UPDATE #1 - As of 7 pm last night, Grumpy was NOT listed in the Obituary section of the Cincinnati Enquirer.  That's good news!
UPDATE #2 - At the request of Mr. Ace, Grump has replaced Urban in the banner.  Good idea.  This is our version of plastering his face on a milk carton.

As a horrible transition, there’s another Ohio-based story that offers way more questions than answers. I talked on Monday about how sick new Reds closer Aroldis Chapman is. He is so nasty. Anyway, he had an interesting weekend. He was named the team’s closer on Saturday or Sunday. He got his first save against the Yankees on Sunday afternoon. The team flew back to Cincy that same day as they were to begin a big 4 game series with the Braves on Monday. Sounds simple, right? Well, somehow things got weird in the middle.
I just don't understand the concept of "bling"
At 12:40 AM on Monday morning, Chapman was pulled over on I-71 in Grove City (home of ELITE bloggers) after doing 93 in a 65 (I assume by Stringtown Road; not to be confused with Goosetown Road which does not actually exist but would be a horrible place). He was arrested once it was discovered that his Kentucky driver’s license was expired. That is what we know. Also, we have learned recently that some dumbass criminal in his native Cuba (Dennis Castro perhaps?) is suing him for 18 million dollars. Yeah, good luck collecting that debt, Dennis.

OK, this story makes no sense to me. What the fuck is Chapman doing driving up to Columbus in the middle of the night? Was he trying to check out the new patio at The Stube before they closed? I highly doubt that there are more than 3 Cubans living in central Ohio and he doesn’t speak any English so, again, what the fuck? It was about pussy, wasn’t it? It had to be. Or was he coming to get me? He got pulled over less than 4-5 miles from where I sleep at night! I WAS STILL AWAKE, TOO! Aroldis Chapman is an assassin sent by LeBron James to collect my scalp. HOLY SHIT, Miami and Cuba are basically next door fucking neighbors. This all makes sense now. LeBron brought Chapman into this country to rid the world of me. But he made one huge error in his plan: thinking that the state of Kentucky would ever give a valid driver’s license to a Cuban refugee! I win again!  AMERICA FUCK YEAH!

But seriously, even though we will never get the truth behind this, it interests me greatly. I mean, why the fuck is Chapman coming to Columbus at 1 am on a Monday morning? Besides “getting laid”, there is no logic that makes a lick of sense.

On a more positive Reds note (I’ve been talking about this team WAY too much recently), did you see that black guy who caught back-to-back home run balls on Monday night? That is insane! What are the odds that that would ever happen? It’s hard enough to see two MLB hitters hit consecutive home runs but having the same exact fan catching both of them within a few minutes of each other? This is probably the only time in your life when you should be jealous of a black guy named Caleb. Caleb is an awful name for any skin color though. That’s it for today. I’ll see you all at the Grumpy Candlelight Vigil/Candle-pin Bowling event tonight. Plus, I’m sure that Iceman will want to argue about Pacers/Heat game 5. Whatever, it’s his passion in life to troll us all.  That's what makes him "Cowherd T. Cowherd" (that nickname that I gave him needs to stick).  The "T" stands for TRANSCENDENT!!!


Prime99 said...

This comment is dedicated to Grumpy. He needs to show up today!!! I applaud his return to the site banner.

Chapman wasn't even driving as fast as his fastball. Not a big deal.

Grumpy said...

WOW! I take off a couple days for a minor surgical procedure (penile implant) and everything blows up. From here to Facebook to Twitter to Drew organizing search parties, I can feel the love. It all gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling, although that could just be my new titanium dick.

As soon as I read about Chapman being in Grovetucky at 1:00 a.m. I knew G$ was involved. Check the register at the Microtel on Stringtown; a rib dinner says G$ had a room there Sunday night/Monday morning.

Anonymous said...

Grumpy, sup bro?


GMoney said...

A dick-stremphening procedure should have been our first guess now that I think about it. Welcome back!

Funny thing about Chapman, the two vanity plates on his "whips" are "101MPH" and "102MPH". It's no wonder why cops would pull him over. Have we learned nothing from SAUCED Knowshon???

I can't believe that it took 5 games to finally get some flagrant and dirty fouls on MANsbrough. Indiana needs to stop being fake tough guys like they are some reincarnate of the Bad Boys.

Anonymous said...

Hellz Yeah....Grumpy is back from his penis surgery!

I bought a sweet Motor City Bad Boys t-shirt from Homage over the weekend actually.

The story they are putting out there is that Chapman was picking his girlfriend up at the Columbus airport. I think there is a decent chance he's dealing drugs and was coming up to pick up a new stash.


Anonymous said...

That was an AWESOME game last night. And it had nothing to do with the Heat mashing the Pacers. That flagrent forearm shiver on Stevenson with 15 seconds left was ELITE. Most didnt catch this, I'm sure, but the guy that delivered the flagrent totally winked at someone as the free throws were being shot. Not that it matters...but that dude is TOTES getting suspended.

Welcome back Grumpy. Drew wants pics of your robot dick.

Speaking of robots...and aliens...I saw MIB 3 last night. It was surprisingly good. Josh Brolin is fucking sweet which is pretty much what made the movie.

Jon Gruden said...

Who wants to bet that his girlfriend is white???

GMoney said...

Iceman supports Will Smiff. That is all you need to know about him.

GMoney said...

Wait a minute, Drew, that still doesn't make sense.

*Why is a millionaire professional athlete flying his ho into an airport that is two hours further from the one right by his house?

*Are there even flights that arrive at CMH after midnight?

*It was about drugs, wasn't it?

Anonymous said...

For some reason, I think there may be some late flights on Sundays. He also could have been speeding because he was late to pick her up. I don't know why she would fly into Columbus instead of Cincy...but, he also doesn't speak English. I'm not buying it either, but it could be legit I guess.

Definitely drugs.

G$...What do you think of that Kyrie Irving is Uncle Drew video? I thought it was cool as hell.


Mr. Ace said...

I knew Big Ben's grey dick would bring Grumpy out.

Why would Chapman have to come to Columbus for drugs though? You would think Cincy would have ample supply of whatever it was. And when he was pulled over was he going north or south on I-71? We need these deets to crack the case.

GMoney said...

Norf, Ace. He was headed into the belly of the beast. I would love to see video of him going into a DMV in Kentucky and applying for a license with a translator in tow. I bet that that was hilarious.

So what happened to his GF then since her ride never showed up??? I WANT ANSWERS!!!

I watched Uncle Drew last night actually. Pretty damn cool. I liked that he stayed in character throughout. Calling everyone "Young Blood" is just terrific.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I'm digging the Young Blood thing he was saying. Grumpy should call us Young Bloods.

I would imagine the Red were notified that he got locked up and then took care of his woman. There are plenty of reasons that he could have gone up to Columbus for drugs though. I mean people go to WV for pills to deal. I've heard that lots of coke runs out of Detroit down South....he could have picked up some Detroit coke halfway in Columbus.


Anonymous said...

I can field that statement. Detroit has a large presence in Huntington, WV. My ex had a ton of family that lived in that shithole and I had the displeasure of visiting that area several times a year. Aside from Randy Moss, that place lacks anything resembling a positive story, Chad Pennington included.

Now, while Harlan is just a stone's throw away, that shitty municipal airport is almost as bad as the Mexican border for drugs, and black people. Cornrows out number hard working folk 4:1. However, that area boasts the largest obesity rate per capita in the nation. Go figure.


Grumpy said...

Chapman was heading North in a big hurry. He also still has an apartment in Louisville; place to crash if he's sent there to rehab at some point? Baby mama there?

Nobody gets off a charter from NY and immediately heads to Columbus for pussy. Plenty of poon in Greater Cincinnati. Plenty of drugs too. None of it makes sense.

Brady said...

Welcome back Grumpy! Paranoia was running rampant in this lonely corner of cyberspace. Feel good that if you ever DID go missing, the internet would start looking for you in a short 3 days! I'm sure that wouldn't be enough time for the serial killer to make a skin suit out of you.

I didn't have the chance to watch Game 5 last night because the Tribe was busy taking the 1st game from Detroit. Casey Kotchman making ELITE defensive plays (per usual) and going 3-4 at the dish. He then dedicated his performance to G$. Indians need to win tonight as well because Verlander goes Thrusday and that doesn't make me feel good.

Justin Verlander said...

I plan on eating 4 Cheesy Gordita Crunches and 2 Chilli Cheese Burritos before Thursday's outing. Y'all be fucked.

GMoney said...

Justin, don't forget "NO TOMATOES" because white trash don't do fruit.

Another thing about Chapman: Cincy is a hub for Delta and I would assume have more flights from NYC then CMH which was a hilarious hub for SkyBus. Lies, DAMN LIES!!!

Justin Verlander said...

No tomato...add mustard. I put mustard on everything. Keeps my pitchin' arm strong.

Clark Kellogg said...

Grumpy, tell me more about this penile procedure as I'm looking to add LEMPH and STREMPH. I've grown tired of being Dairy Queen'd from my own bedroom.

Anonymous said...

G$ I would like to welcome you as an honorary Reds fan.

Lebron = greatness


Grumpy said...

Here you go: