Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Picking Up The Ball That The Iceman Dropped

Delmon does not approve.
I might be the only one that felt this way, but I admit to being widely disappointed in The Iceman for not using his weekly turd to talk about the fairly newsworthy NBA playoffs yesterday. I feel cheated. Look, I’m all for Biff Tannen and Eddie Harris and Andre The Giant references, but when a veritable shitstorm of news in your zone of expertise comes along, you don’t just ignore and hope that it goes away. Injuries and stupidity have been running rampant in the NBA playoffs (especially stupidity) so I guess that I’ll be the one to delve into it. Let’s just do bullet points:

*Derrick Rose is made of glass – With the exception of Prime, I can’t think of one Bulls fan that I’ve ever met that wasn’t an unintentional asshole. I don’t know if they mean to be that way, but they are. And that is what makes Rose’s blown out knee even better. It’s not that their season is over and thus worthless, it’s that these idiots think that just because they won meaningless games in the regular season with Rose, that they can do it in the playoffs, too. LOLZ! You are fucking idiots! You’re done! It’s over! You just wasted this season AND next year, too. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! By the way, I really like the way that Rose plays, but the guy is a total gash.

*Rajon Rondo does not respect AUTHORIT-AHHHHH – Was “I sort of lost my balance” the worst excuse/lie of all time? It might be. You can’t chest bump a referee ever and the fact that he only has to sit one game for that is ridiculous. One game isn’t going to make Rondo a good boy that follows the rules. Sit him for three, teach that little shit a lesson, and if they lose the series then Boston has a black guy to blame (just like in the NHL!). It’s a win/win and the NBA fucked it up. Rondo is a sucker of cocks.

*Amare Stoudemire is an intelligent man – I wish that there was video of Amare getting all pissy and slapping a fire extinguisher case with his off hand. It had to be ridiculously effeminate and TOTES hilarious. I mean, seriously, how dumb do you have to be to take your frustrations out on GLASS? The Knicks just have a weird and stupid roster. No one fits with anyone. But at least Jeremy Lin is coming back, yo! He’ll save everything! Yeah, they’re getting swept.

*Move along people, nothing to see here—David Stern – It kills me how arrogant and smug Stern can be almost all the time. With seemingly everyone getting hurt right now, smart people are pointing the finger at the stupid scheduling as the reason why. Stern, who is not a doctor, disagrees because he gives no fucks. I would like to see him come out and say, “Yes, if these dumbass players wouldn’t have been so fucking greedy this past summer then maybe they wouldn’t be hurt. Now please come to Brooklyn.”

*Shawn Marion makes a good point – Kevin Durant’s game one winner was very, very, very lucky. He just sort of threw the ball at the hoop and as Fred McLeod would stupidly yell, “HE GOT A RUBBER RIM!” This series has been good but needs significantly more Delonte West wet-willies (a brand of defense that I never knew existed).

*Mike Brown is an ELITE coach – No, I don’t believe that one bit but I just wanted to see if you were paying attention. However, the more that I see of the Lakers, the more that I like them and think that they can win it all. Obviously, they will need to overcome their coach and Byn-sanity, but they look really good. And if Razor Ramon is the last piece that can get them another ring this year then that was a beautiful trade by the Cavs.

*Oh Goddammit – With Rose’s injury, the Heat can sleepwalk to the Finals now. That sucks. It looks as though the last line of defense will reside out West. I’m pretty sure that the Thunder and Lakers can beat them. I want to believe that a healthy Spurs can, too. Wouldn’t it be so fitting that LeBron could finally get over the hump only after every obstacle was eliminated from his path? Can this guy ever stop taking the easy way out? Do-do-do-DOOOOO THERE’S NO EASY WAY OUT. THERE’S NO SHORTCUT HOME. THERE’S NO EASY WAY OUT. GIVING IN CAN’T BE WRONG!!! Now go drive 200 mph in a school zone while daydreaming about Carl Weathers.

*Fuck you, Cowherd – When did his show turn into 3 hours of defending LeBron anyway? I mean, it’s always at least an hour of that but now we’re up to 180 minutes every day. Who is arguing that D-Rose is a better player than LeBron? Or that Dirk is better? No one is saying that. And don’t you dare say that the Heat is his team and not Wade’s. That will never be the case. Do you know what’s funny? Cowherd says that just because LeBron is garbage in crunch time does not mean much at all. I want to watch Cowherd get raped by a rhino.

That will do it for today’s basketball playoff coverage. My goal was to make it short, sweet, and objectionable. And I even included lyrics from a Survivor song! That’s great blogging right there. Now if you don’t mind, I’ve got to get back to my tickle fight with a phone booth. Amare recommended it to me.

36 comments:

Grumpy said...

What would be funny is if the Knicks came back and won without that idiot.

Can't blame the Rose injury on the schedule; he missed a lot of games to injury and should have been fresh.

The Iceman said...

I tend to avoid basketball posts as much as possible because some of the children here don't appreciate it. Fuckin babies.

MuDawg is even starting to brainwash some of the more intelligent commenters here. In a late post that most likely went unread a few days ago, Prime suggested that with Rondo's suspension and Rose injury, the Hawks could make the Eastern conf finals. I guess he never got the "Hawks are the most underachieving team in NBA history" memo. For the only reason you need to show why that was a stupid thing to suggest, see: game, last night's.

Cowfucker is slowly losing fans because of his dreaded format and material, I love it. I want to believe that my daily smear campaign has been working.

GMoney said...

I don't hate Amare, but that was really fucking dumb. And while it would be the best thing ever if the Knicks won this round, they have no chance to win this round.

Can the Sixers beat the Bulls now???

Paul Pierce's attempt at Tebowing last night was awful, not really accurate with the meme, and shows how old and out of touch he is. Pierce is a poop. He's better at faking injuries.

Iceman, I know you've morphed into this weirdo LeBron defender recently (for no apparent reason), but watching his ridiculous flops has to make you sick.

Anonymous said...

I'm enjoying the NBA Playoffs quite a bit so far...been very entertaining.

*Rose is indeed made of glass and Bulls fans are big fags. How about that Nike show designer going on twitter and making fun of Rose? That was some ELITE lack of class.

*1 game was fine for Rondo. If he ever does it again, he will get more. Stop being a cunt ref/ump.

*I'd love to see an Amare glass breaking video as well. While it's dumb, I can see punching a wall or a piece of sheet metal around a locker. But, punching through a piece of glass? That's a higher level of retard.

*The Heat are TOTES walking to the NBA Finals, but if they face the Thunder or Lakers...they are definitely in trouble. I think they would particularly struggle with the Lakers. That would be very fun to watch.

*Rome interviewed Delonte West last week and it was an ELITE interview. He brought up the wet willie incident and West started rambling about how he realized that he can't do that...because while he does worry about what kids in America think of that stuff...he has to realize that the NBA is global now...and the kids in INDONESIA that are dribbling basketballs shouldn't see that. INDO-FUCKING-NESIA. He is so cray cray.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Evan Turner and the Sixers can definitely beat the Bulls now. Due to my hatred of Rip Hamilton and love for ET, it was fun to see ET light him the fuck up in teh second half last night.

The Paul Pierce Tebowing was indeed retarded, but I've gone from really hateing that guy to respecting him because of big clutch performances like the one last night. Dude is fucking good and clutch. I hate when my mind forces me to switch an opinion like that.

--Drew

MUDawgfan said...

Coming here early to take my licks from the Commentariat.

Atlanta had a chance to put the Celtics on the ropes and totally shit the bed last night.

I'm so sick of Marvin Williams worthless black ass. He absolutely never looks to take the ball inside and is the biggest 6'9 pussy on the PLANET. Complete and total bust.

Josh Smiff goes in fits and spurts but he should never ever take a shot outside of a 12 foot radius. It's got a 8% chance of going in.

And Joe Johnson is a complete dick. DEMANDING MAX money and wasn't even looking to create his own shots last night. He's being guarded by some free agent cunt from Auburn and can't even take the ball and draw the foul.

The only person playing his ass off is Jeff Teague. I can live with his mistakes because he busts his ass and does everything a good PG should do.


Fuck everything. Biggest home choke job since Game 3 of the 1996 World Series. Fuck Jim Leyritz and Ice Man and everything.

Anonymous said...

Cowfucker had fans? I endure Mike & Mike, because the banter is pretty funny even though the topics aren't. Promptly at 10 though, I go right to music until well after lunch.

I get your assessment on Bulls fans, and I would even extend that to Chicago fans in general. On facebook alone, I have seen seven baseball parks pictures tagged this year. Six of them are Wrigley (all six came on a loss (lol)). But, I don't get calling Rose a gash. ACL is an ACL. And if his team is maintaining the best record with him on the bench, then why worry about coming back so soon?

I am still bitter that I won't see his Bulls play the Heat.

It really does piss me off that the Heat will sleepwalk into the Finals. I am pulling for the Spurs now, as that's just a great looking team. I think the Thunder will win it the next two. I think I am just trying to convince myself there is someone left to beat the Heat. Go Boston? Go LeBron choke?

Ide

Anonymous said...

Yeah, how ELITE does Evan Turner look for calling out the Bulls now?

Ide

GMoney said...

Fuck Jim Leyritz? You act like he drunk drove over YOU! Your Hawks rant was terrific!

I thought that Rose was a gash well before the ACL but it was the cherry on top of his luscious beef curtains.

I don't mind missing out on Heat/Bulls because the Bulls couldn't beat the Heat in the playoffs. The Celtics have a shot. It might not be a great shot, but I like to think that guys like Racist KG and Pierce can get into LeBron's head (like usual).

Respect Indonesia.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I think the Celtics could give the Heat a run for their money due to the makeup of their brains.

Rondo -- lunatic..great player

KG -- lunatic...could easily mindfuck LeBron and Bosh

Pierce -- about a million times more clutch than LeBron...uber-competitive

They could give them a run because unlike any other team left in the East...those Celtics guys will go into that series thinking that they SHOULD win it.

I don't think G$ called Rose a gash....said he was made of glass. This season has done nothing to disprove that.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

"I really like the way that Rose plays, but the guy is a total gash."

Quoted for truf.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Ide...you speak da TRUF!

--Drew

GMoney said...

The guy missed a million games this year with about a thousand different ailments...GASH!

I don't really like the Celtics, but all of them HATE LeBron and I imagine that they would rather pull a Hank Gathers than watch him celebrate at their expense.

Prime99 said...

I appreciate being called the exception to asshole Chicago fans. I've met other decent Chicago fans, but I have seen enough ignorant fucks in the bleachers at Wrigley to know why there is a bad reputation.

Iceman, I wrote that shit the other day as a joke- to annoy you. It clearly worked. I was also depressed about Rose's injury.

Derrick Rose = Samuel L. Jackson from "Unbreakable?"

I am so disappointed in the Bulls decreased chances. I hoped they'd at least get a crack at eliminating the Heat, but now... Fuck. That game last night was pretty bad.

A video a Amare getting into a slap fight with a glass box would be ELITE.

GMoney said...

I forgot to mention this but is there a more LOL basketball player than Javale McGee? He does the dumbest shit I've ever seen and he's terrible to boot. On Sunday, he was 0 for 6 at one point and had airballed 2-3 lay-ups. I have no idea why George Karl gives him any burn.

THOSE MINUTES BELONG TO KOKO!!!

GMoney said...

I want to believe that in game 3, Paul Pierce will drill a three and then "Faith Hill" or "Oh Long Johnson" and then get hit by a train.

Prime99 said...

ELITE South Park reference!

Anonymous said...

Gonna be a rough year for the Saints...

Albert Breer ‏ @AlbertBreer
NFL announces Jonathan Vilma has been suspended for the 2012 season. Hargrove gets 8 games. Will Smith 4 games. Fujita 3 games.

--Drew

Brady said...

Punching glass fire extinguisher cases is ELITE! That's all I can say about the NBA playoffs because that's all I've heard about them.

Ubaldo Jiminez is fucking gay. That dipshit better turn things around. The trade for him is looking worse and worse every time he takes the mound.

The Iceman said...

"Derrick Rose = Samuel L. Jackson from "Unbreakable?"

This is why I keep you around, Prime.

Cowfucker seems to have fans, Ide. The trolls that call up to his show to tongue his butthole daily don't hesitate to let him know how much they love his horrible predictions/USC fellatio.

It's not so much that I like LeBron, G$...it's more that I can't wait to hear the reaction of Cavs fans when he wins a title. It will be the LOLest of LOL moments. Listening to the gaggle of excuses as to why it wasn't a "legit" title will be the best year+ of my life.

The Iceman said...

Oh...and I give Paul Pierce credit for nothing. He's a fuckin joke and deserves zero respect for that disgraceful fucking shit with the wheel chair a few years ago. That was just ridiculous. And pathetic. And what fat guys do.

GMoney said...

Will this suspension for Will Smith have any effect on his annual failed drug test/domestic violence suspension???

The best part about pro basketball is that LeBron keeps being a failure no matter how many shortcuts he tries. Why would you want that to end? Talking random shit to irrelevant Cavs fans (not me of course) is not worth it. HE MUST FAIL FOREVER!!!

The Iceman said...

Talking shit to irrelevant Cavs fans will ALWAYS be worth it.

He's gonna win a title. You know he is even though you wish him failure with every fiber of your body. It's careless to think he won't. He's too good and has just entered into his prime. In the next 5 years he will have at least one ring. FACT.

I just can't wait for the day when it happens and butt hurt Cavs fans pull the dumbest shit out of the air to try and discredit the championship. Those are gonna be some really good times.

GMoney said...

Go fuck Gloria James, queerbate.

Anonymous said...

Junior Seau = shot and killed.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Seau killed himself. Probably because he didn't get Iceman's opinion on the NBA playoffs yesterday. Look what you've done!!!!!!

MUDawgfan said...

Seau didn't kill himself - he jumped on a pile of guns after they were already on the ground.

The Iceman said...

I drove Junior Seau to kill himself!! Noooooooo!! Well, it was either me or the 4 billion concussions he played through over his year NFL career. If you want to know what his brain was like, go smash a brick into your forehead repeatedly for 3 hours once a week for the next 15 years. I nominate Dut to test this theory.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
GMoney said...

Wow...MUDawg just won the award for comment of the millenium.

GMoney said...

Oh, Drew, you knew that that dig on #21 was getting deleted. By the way, his murderers are still waiting to go on trial...it's been 5 years. AMERICA!

Grumpy said...

You guys are fucking brutal. I'd say it's even money I will be the first regular here to die. I can see it now:

"Hey guys, did 'ya hear Grumpy died this morning? Fucking LeBron totally flopped last night.

Prime99 said...

I might take the field on that bet, Grump.

If you died, you would get the respect you deserve. Fun fact though, killing yourself makes people not feel as sorry for someone who dies.

GMoney said...

"Hey guys, did 'ya hear Grumpy died this morning? Fucking LeBron totally flopped last night."

That made me LOL. Good comedy going on here this afternoon!

Prime99 said...

Just read a tweet from Anthony Jezelnik that was pretty funny:

"Correction: the 2007 New England Patriots are now 18-2."

GMoney said...

Norv Turner strikes again.