Friday, May 25, 2012

Open Forum: Summer Creeping

Oh, hello there, nearly nude Kate Upton
It’s the day before our first three day weekend in a long ass time so I’m not going to waste your (and more importantly MY) time with frivolous posts on topics that barely warrant discussion. Instead, I am hosting an open forum today on one of America’s favorite national pastimes…Being A Pervert.

Memorial Day is officially (I guess) the start of summer. I know that the pool in my neighborhood finally opens this weekend so that’s enough proof for me. One thing before we get started and this goes to the zero ladies that read this site: If you have any doubt at all if you can pull off a bikini in public then you CAN NOT pull off a bikini in public. This is a huge issue in the Midwest. Nobody needs to see your inadvertent impression of Paul Pierce minus the stab wounds. I know for a fact that I can not work the Borat man-kini (great visual though) so I don't wear one. It's pretty simple logic, heifers.

Anyway, with the start of the summer months comes skimpier clothing options which leads to more excellent and vivid spank bank material. The point of today’s quick post is for all of us creeps to share what we like and dislike regarding the summer fashion trends of women that want nothing to do with any of us.

YES! - Short white shorts! As one of America’s finest “ass men”, I’m a huge fan of anything that focuses my attention on the turd cutter. In my personal opinion (Demetrius!), short white shorts are ELITE! Is she free-balling? Thong-diggity? What’s going on down there? And then I become self-aware that I’m two inches away from this chick’s ass and have been for 45 minutes. Good times.

NO! – Big Sunglasses! I hate big sunglasses and I feel like Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton brought this plague to America’s youth. They take up half of a broad’s face and sometimes more! It’s next to impossible to tell if the girl that you are eye-banging is even relatively attractive. They might as well be wearing a mask. Big sunglasses, you go to Hell. You go to Hell and you die!

Time for the rest of you sketchy pricks to share some turn-ons and turn-offs. Don’t worry; we’re not here to judge. Unless, of course, you say “little boys—YES!” Don’t say that. Let’s teach women a lesson today on how to give us throbbing boners. It’s what Memorial Day is all about.

35 comments:

Grumpy said...

Bikinis with 5" heels.

Anonymous said...

I should have written this post today. Living in NYC I am at the epicenter of the newest fashion trends. Big sunglasses, thankfully, are out. White shorts are going nowhere as they shouldn't. But here are the 2012 HITS that you guys better pray to all hell reaches Ohio (leaving the ATL out, because MUDawg prolly likes the nubians).

IN: No bras. FINALLY! Bras have been in decreasing fashion this year and I couldn't be happier. Now, as of now, only girls who needn't wear them don't, so no fat girls yet. But, where there is smoke, there is usually fat women thinking of roasted meats and stealing hot girls fashion choices. However, if they need to where a bra...

Completely see through shirt with bra underneath. Score! I have noticed these girls out and about followed usually by thoughts that would land me in prison.

Lululemon pants. God must be the ceo of this amazing store. They are yoga pants that have become acceptable to where anytime and without anything underneath. And, I'm certain they could make the flattest ass into something you'd eat pudding out of.

OUT: Fat women. Never in season.

Men's short shorts. It started with skinny jeans (/wave Dut) and the worst has made it. I have seen several faggots (assumption, probably right) walking around in these. Please god, no.

Ide

GMoney said...

Yoga pants will ALWAYS be ELITE.

I'm shocked that Grumpy's reply wasn't something along the lines of "when dames where dresses that show a little ankle".

MuDawgfan said...

Out (hopefully)
Tats over the back of a girls ass.


What's a Nubian?

/chasing amy

Grumpy said...

What's a Nubian?

See MARTA.

Anonymous said...

Nice topic and Ide with an ELITE reply.

LOVE short white shorts.

Halter tops are tremendous to look down into the beautiful universe of cleavage.

I've noticed more girls are running with just like sport bras on and biker shorts. I fully approve of this and so does my boner.

Noticing a lot of short shorts instead of dresses/skirts as well. I approve of this also, because it allows us more of a look at the butt.

This should be a big weeekend for perving out T&A with it being so hot and a holiday weekend.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Drew, it is why I have no problem umpiring six games (all of them with Damman BOOOOOO!) this weekend because that means six different sets of moms to stare at in between pitches. They all look better when you've sweated through your FIF shirt of the day.

My wife went down to SoFla yesterday to visit her sister and her family over the weekend. That is an underrated great feeling--dropping your wife off at the airport.

Back to broads though, you know what I don't understand? Shoes and handbags/purses. I mean, no straight man cares about either but women act like these things are vital to living.

Anonymous said...

I have to admit, if I am walking behind a woman in white pants or shorts, you better believe I am staring at that ass to see if I can see skin through it and then to see what color thong she is likely wearing.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

LS and I have a LOT in common apparently...

Prime99 said...

Sun dress season is ELITE.

Anonymous said...

Tattoos are definitely not ELITE. Anywhere. Simply put; you don't put a bumper sticker on a Bentley. Firebirds and NASCAR have decals....

Ide

Brady said...

I agree with Prime. I LOVE sun dress season. Hot chicks in those things get me all hot and bothered.

Grumpy said...

Tats are ELITE.

Anonymous said...

Sociology 101: Steelers fans love tats. This sample size is indicative of the entire population of Steelers fans. They also love Mt. Dew, Skoal, classic auto shows, having kids for the WIC perks, and rape.

Ide

GMoney said...

Ide, back to your "no bras are IN" statement, I really hope that this trend never migrates to Ohio. That could lead to me gouging out my eyes.

Anonymous said...

G$...He says it's mainly skinny chicks. I want the no bra scene here ASAP. When the fatties adopt it then maybe I'll regret my request...but, until then...lemme see those titties.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I see what you're saying but be very careful of what you wish for...

Anonymous said...

I thought that paragraph was pretty clear its hot girls so far, but Im sure the hefty ones are soon to follow.

Ide

Brady said...

I think the risk far outweighs the reward with the no bra scene. What percentage of chicks could actually pull that off? 10-20% at best I would say. If I saw some smokin' trim that could pull it off, my boner wouldn't have time to reach its apex before a fatty destroyed it again.

Anonymous said...

I agree that the no bra thing could be bad. There are a lot of hot girls right now who are put on a pedestal because their tits look amazing. This is largely due to their bra's ability to make their boobs look like they are on a shelf. However, if you think a girl with C-Cup or larger is going to be able to keep her breasts up without a bra, then you are mistaken. I am not saying they are going to look horrible, but they are not goign to look pornstar good anymore, either.

-Lil' Strut

Eb said...

I am a big fan of girls in dresses! So I like seeing sun dresses and the like.

Shirts or dresses with straps!

Nothing sexier than a girl in great shape, so yoga pants and sports bras are approved!

I am kind of torn on the tatoo thing. Some girls can pull them off and look incredible, others...they spew the WT label.

Enjoy your long weekend!

Justin Verlander said...

Nothing fuels my Johnson quite like a dame with a barbed wire bicep tattoo while wearing a cutoff Carl Edwards T-shit. Hooooo Boy! Dut knows what I'm talkin' about.

The Iceman said...

Make it sexy. Make sure it fits and get rid of those fucking bug glasses. Follow that formula and you're sure to be successful. And I'm on team sundress.

GMoney said...

LS sounds like some sort of bra salesman. 2 cups in the front, 2 loops in the back...

You sun dress guys should just go to SEC football games every weekend and creep everyone out.

A tattoo is a sign that a chick is inclined to make bad (or at least not thought through) choices...which is exactly what guys want.

Verlander has been popping in quite a bit this week. He likes like women like he likes his men: Tank-Topped.

The Iceman said...

Sounds like Mountain Dewlander and Dut are pretty close pals.

Sundresses = easy access and usually no bra. What's not to like?

GMoney said...

Completely off-topic but still pisses me off:

Why the fuck is Miller Lite "inventing" a can that has the ability to have it's top punched? Who does this? Has ANYONE ever done this? Who sits there drinking this terrible beer and asks "this is mediocre and all but I wish that the can had more holes in it"?

Miller Lite came up with this flimsy marketing ploy as a way to tell the public that they are using cheaper aluminum now. And also fuck the vortex bottle (FOR A SMOOTHER POUR! Because everyone buys bottled beer and then pours it into a glass!) and the mountains turning blue. It's cheap beer...there needs to be no bells and whistles and stupid shit.

Just for once, I would like to see Natural Light or some other watered down beer company just say, "You will get drunk after drinking a lot of these and then you will have a horrible next day". I demand honesty from my crappy beers.

Brady said...

I drank some "new" Miller Lights last weekend and nearly impaled my hand with keys on numerous occasions. The commercial where everyone is easily popping their vent in the top is a definite misrepresentation of how shit really goes down. I must say that it is easy drankin' once you compromise the top of the can.

Pros: Easy Drankin'

Cons: Possible trip to ER
Shitty beer

I completely agree with your dislike of oversized sunglasses. My wife wears these and I constantly tell her she looks like she's on her way to a Conasta tournament or fighting for a spot at the staring window.

Grumpy said...

White trash woman with tats and a Mt. Dew in her hand. Good times.

Grumpy said...

Mr. Money, Julie Chen on Line 1.

Anonymous said...

You guys see that guy that streaked the Cardinals game last night? I'm gonna do the same thing to the games G$ and Damman are umping this weekend....notice I said gameS....that's right...all six of them.

--Drew

Brady said...

Waaay off topic but would Jim Brown shut the fuck up already. I get that you are the greatest Browns running back of all time and have an arguement for greatest ever but enough with the trolling dick.

Constantly calling Trent Richardson "normal" and "not special" isn't going to bring the glory days back. If anything, it makes you look selfish and scared that we finally have a potentially special back that could challenge some of the numbers you still hold in Cleveland.

Sour grapes about getting fired from the staff by Holmgren 2 years ago? Check.

Brady said...

*trolling, dick

Missed a comma there. Not sure what a trolling dick would be but it sounds alot like my college days.

GMoney said...

Drew, Pick North tomorrow and Westerville Central on Monday. You're going to have to get up early Monday...first pitch is at 9 am.

Grump, no call yet. The dream is slipping away.

Out of all the things in life that could use some improvement, drinking out of a can is not in the top ten billion. It is literally the easiest thing ever to drink beer out of the hole that the can provides. I don't need it to be easier.

You better watch it, Brady, JB will have no problem coming to your house and giving your wife a few black eyes.

The Iceman said...

The new miller lite can is fuckin retarded. I dont need assistance in drinking my beer because i already know how to pour it into my mouth and am currently familiar with the mechanics of swallowing. (Gay dick sucking joke!)

Agree on the punching thing on the can. Wasn't too psyched about the indentation my keys made on my hand skin from the velocity necessary to punch this stupid fucking invention.

Anonymous said...

PBR and Schlitz: two beers that know what they are. Cheap ways to get shitty.