Friday, May 04, 2012

Open Forum: Commenter Death Protocol

The big story still rocking the sports world this week is the untimely death via suicide of Junior Seau. I think that it’s safe to say that this was caused by some sort of depression that may or may not (but definitely was) attributed to the effects of tackling people and jumping on the pile for 20+ years. It really is sad. I have no respect for people that go out like this, regardless of their circumstances, just because the real victims here are his family members and the three kids that he left behind. I’m sorry but Junior Seau took the easy way out and his depression is only going to transfer to those that love and care about him. Fuck that.

Speaking of his loved ones, who in the bloody Hell told his mom to address the media just HOURS after she found out that her son had taken his own life? As you all know, I’m a pretty sick fuck that can handle just about anything, but I found that completely objectionable and tasteless. NOBODY needed to see that. That did not need to happen. It should not have happened. Nobody needed a reaction from a grieving mother that literally is having the worst day of her life. ESPN should have never shown it and Shelley Smith should have un-beached herself from Seau’s front yard and went back into the ocean where she belongs. That was disgusting. What news is she going to break anyway? “Yeah, Neil, I’m outside of Seau’s home and, yep, still dead. Back to you in Bristol, Shelley Smith ESPN.” There is no story there worth covering! While the 24/7 news cycle can be a very good thing when it comes to keeping rich people in check and peons informed, this was not a good day for all of that coverage. Everything about this saga is awful: from the act to the coverage to the glorification of Seau. It’s terrible. Just stop it.

/hops down off of high horse and wants to lighten the mood but will fail to do that

You guys are fucking brutal. I'd say its even money I will be the first regular here to die. I can see it now:  "Hey guys did 'ya hear Grumpy died this morning? Fucking LeBron totally flopped last night.

After the Seau death broke on Wednesday, many of you fine gents took turns exchanging one-liners. It was not the classiest thing ever but what do you expect from this group. Grumpy posted the above comment and I think that it raises a good question:

What if one of us becomes worm food? What happens then? What is our responsibility to our fallen comrade? What is proper blog commenter death protocol (which is also going to be the name of the next Mission Impossible movie—MI5: Blog Commenter Death Protocol)? Is it time for an open discussion on this? I think it is. So what happens if/when?

*My wife decides to cash in my average life insurance policy by strangling me in my sleep that I would not wake up to?
*Some deranged Raiders fan wants to end the social relationship between Dut and their precious supplemental draft pick?
*Damman gets crushed by a fat chick?
*Iceman is brutally murdered by a roving horde of vengeful Cavaliers fans?
*Andy K is mistaken for Jionni and stabbed by The Unit?

And so on and so forth. You get the idea. I like to think that I would be awesome enough to attend every commenter’s funeral because I am a super swell and swoll guy that shows respeck. Let’s just use Grump’s example though. Say that within the next decade, at some point, his daily Dunkin Donuts murder his heart. Fuck you all, we’re all going. Every single one of us is going. I already plan on blindsiding the casket like Hines Ward because I think that that is Grump would have wanted. His wife may disagree, but that’s OK, because the rest of you will have already looted all of her late husband’s possessions (your classic car is all MINE, old man!!!).

I’m sure that there will be jokes but I’d like to believe that there is enough respect and admiration between all of us here that we would all be willing to offer our condolences in person. Trivia Night and Ribfest sort of tied everything together. I would like your thoughts on this actually just to see where we all stand. I know that when I kick, every single on of you fuckers better be there or I will be PISSED. I will haunt your dreams forever…NUDE. But don’t you even think about conducting a press conference or encouraging She$ that she should address the media, too. Well, she can, just as long as she constantly reminds everyone to have a safe trip home.

32 comments:

Anonymous said...

Considering I have openly cracked on Spring Cleaning of G$'s fantasy baseball league for having cancer (on his facebook page that his family can read no less), you can bet your bottom dollar, each of you will have a priceless eulogy coming your way. In fact, if I wasn't so damned tired, I would write out a eulogy for you all now to copy/paste later. If G$ had any creativity, this is what his blog post would have been instead of dead beaners and their immigrant mothers.

Oh, speaking of beaners, Jayson Nix practice fly balls are ELITE!

Ide

Grumpy said...

I'm being cremated so there won't be a casket. Feel free to blindside the urn if you like.

There are specific instructions in place for the disposal of my remains, at a location which, for now, must remain confidential. If you want in on that ceremony, contact my wife after my demise for details.

On the off chance that any of the regulars here predecease me, I'll be there.

Grumpy said...

I would also like to add that I'm touched by G$'s sentiment. Also, it is my fervent wish that we maintain the natural order of things and that I die first; I hope all of you go on to live long, happy lives.

The only exception would be if Dut were to die in an S&M scenario gone bad. That would be funny.

The Iceman said...

Once Grumpy and I patched things up and became Facebook official it pretty much sealed the deal for me. I would TOTES show up. Besides...I can't pass up an opportunity to drop pieces of my Edwards and Hillis jersey into the urn when no one is looking in order to ensure he will forever be cuddling Browns memorabilia. I would also draw a huge Sharpie boner on the outside container. I think that would solidify me as the most ELITE Internet commenter of all time.

GMoney said...

Ugh, damn old man closers...that puts a bit of a damper on the weekend in which I make my triumphant return to Naptown. This Yankees team might not survive the season at the rate that these injuries are coming. Whatever, time for Soriano to start earning his dolla dollas. We're fucked.

Urn, eh? Well, I can GUARANSHEED that I pick you up at some point and carry on with my ELITE Paul Bearer impression. That is definitely going to happen.

I don't think that I've ever been involved with a cremation though. Sounds fun!

But at least now we know the order: Dut first, then Grump, then you will each receive a number in the mail corresponding with when you will need to die. The last one to survive will inherit this site's fortune (like the Flying Hellfish).

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to let everyone know that I called Rivera's torn ACL right away yesterday...G$ doubted me and said "he looked fine...I'll wait for a real doctor's opinion". Suck it. Also, I believe Cashman said that Robertson will be closing.

Dut first....Grumpy second...glad that's been figured out.

No surprise that Grumy's getting cremated...he's a cremated type of guy. I'm TOTES going out that way too. Grumpy's either getting his ashes thrown around in Oxford or that big ass tree he's obsessed with down in South Carolina. Both ideal locations for him. Let's just hope he didn't go full retard and want them scattered in Findlay, OH the birfplace of Big Ben.

As for Seau killing himself out of depression. I'm not going to judge that. My best-friend that was a girl in college...met her the first day...nicest girl I've ever met...killed herself during our Junior year out of depression. It's a long story but basically her parents are terrible people and were the cause of it...but, nobody knew the extent of the depression until it happened. So, since then I've had a soft spot for those people because nobody realizes just how fucked in teh mind they are. Is it a cowardly way to go? Probably...but, I honestly don't think they think about that...they just want it to end. Killing yourself over losing a job/house..that type of shit...ie..panic suicides...that's very cowardly though.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Yeah, depression is a tricky issue but there are a whole shitload of people and drugs that can help with that. Unfortunately, his kids will be the ones to suffer here. Either way, Seau's mom should NOT have been in front of a camera on Wednesday.

You called it indeed. You should be a doctor. Mo wasn't going to last forever. Thankfully, D-Rob is ridiculously sick.

Just to clarify Ide's first remark, a guy in our baseball league is dealing with cancer right now. It sucks because he's a good guy and all but he is doing what he can to beat it. Ide though has used his cancer to talk shit about his fantasy baseball team. Ide is an awful human being.

I like to think that once Ide took that job in NYC, al Qaeda really started ramping up plans for their next attack.

Daniel said...

I just saw the video of the Riviera injury, way to be an athlete.

I once heard suicide as a long term solution to a short term problem, and I think that describes it perfectly. I don't think anyone in the right mental state of mind could ever do that. My wife's cousin shot himself in the head at the age of 18 in front of his mom because of girl issues. I guess he had previously used steroids which contributed to his mental instability. Apparently it's very hard to come off that shit once you've been on it.

GMoney said...

Just an FYI, if this seems a tad morbid today, it is. I don't think that I'm afraid of dying and have no problem openly discussing the topic. Actually, I am only afraid of 3 things:

1. Snakes
2. Heights
3. Being accused of being a pedophile (actually, this might be #1)

GMoney said...

HI DAN!

Daniel said...

John Rocker would have caught that ball and offended many classes of minorities while doing it.

The Iceman said...

Totally agree with G$. If you're depressed then get on medication. See a therapist. Join a support group. Understand that your life is more than just about you and taking that life is just selfish. There are more answers out there then killing yourself.

Things that terrify me:
1. Bees. I fuckin hate those God damn things.
2. Being homeless. Especially in Ohio during the winter.
3. Drowning. The absolute worst fucking way to die.

Anonymous said...

I would much rather drowned than die in a fire. But, that's just me.


G$...I'm not afraid of dying either. I am very scared of snakes though.

Actually, the thing that terrifies me the most is the thought of going to jail for a long period of time. I wouldn't last. I don't know what my time limit would be...but, let's say anything 5 years or above...I'm definitely hanging myself in my cell. I couldn't do it...just couldn't do it.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Drew, jail and prison are completely different entities. Jail wouldn't be that bad. Prison? Yeah, not good. Prepare to be a bitch.

I would rather be digested whole by some huge anaconda then have someone wrongfully call me a pederast. Once you get branded as one of those (right or not), it's over.

Here's a question:
What happens to the urn once the ashes are scattered? Do they keep it even though it's empty and thus serves little purpose? Does it just sit somewhere? Is it where you keep spare change?

Mr. Ace said...

Depression is a tough subject. I agree with your point about his children. But depression is as real as any other disease, but worse because nobody can see it. It's easy for people to pass judgement because nobody can possibly understand another persons distorted and depressed thoughts and feelings. I can't imagine ever reaching the point of wanting to take my own life, but I can't pretend to be able to put myself in someone's shoes who is driven to believe that suicide is a solution. Just something you can't pass judgement on.

I have never met an intelligent person who says they aren't afraid to die...G$? That quote has just never made sense to me.

The video of his mother is gut-wrenching. Nothing good could possibly come from that situation.

The Iceman said...

I think Grumpy gets his ashes put into a Folgers can just like Donnie in The Big Lebowski. What would be better is if were something even more white trash...like a Tony Stewart limited edition Folgers can.

GMoney said...

What's so hard to understand, Ace? If it's my time to go, there's really nothing that I can do to stop it.

PROGRAMMING NOTE: I will be making a rare public appearance tonight at the home of Li'l Strut's parents. If you are in the area, stop on by and support my book signing. Since I have not written anything, I will be signing whatever you bring (especially tits). Please make a note of it. Thank you.

Prime99 said...

I'd be at everyone's funeral... 3 hours after it starts.

Depression is quite the tricky thing. My wits have definitely been tested this past year with a number of things, and I have sought help to deal with stress (not quite depression, but on the verge.)

That said, it's a relief to come here every day and cock off about sports and random topics. It's usually a highlight of my day. Today, for example, Grumpy's comment about Dut had me in stitches.

Anonymous said...

G$...I don't think people go to jail for 5 years...people do go to prison for 5 years. So, yes...I am scared shitless about the thought of me being in prison. I'd have that bed sheet tied to the top of the bed in no time.

Yeah, Ape....what don't you understand. Do you think G$ and I don't care about dying? It's not that. We just don't live our lives fearing it. Most likely if it happens at our ages it'd be something like a sudden car crash...no reason to sit around fearing something that you can't control like that.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Great. Now 1/3 of the Beastie Boys is dead. That bums me out more than Seau to be honest.

The Iceman said...

Did you hear that, G$? You cured Prime's borderline depression. I think he owes you money. And i demand kickbacks for my Tuesday brilliance.

GMoney said...

I'm not going to lie...

The Beastie Boys weren't all that great. There. I said it. They had their moments, but they were not ELITE.

What is ELITE? The chicken tenders at Tweeters Chicken Crib that I just had for lunch. Massive and delicious.

Grumpy said...

Chicken tenders? Man, I love chicken tenders.

Which reminds me of something you think of at my age that never occurs to anyone of your age. I sometimes think what would happen if I'm eating alone at home and a piece of, let's say chicken tender, becomes lodged in my throat. Nobody here to apply the Heimlich Maneuver. Just shit you think about when you get old.

GMoney said...

It's about fundamentals, Grump. You've been eating for a long time. You play one bite at a time. When you rush things and lose proper technique, that is when problems happen. It's about perseverance.

Plus, my garlic buffalo tenders were so hot (temperature, not spice) that I had no choice but to go with small bites.

You don't want to die choking on food and being all purple-faced. You want to go via auto-erotic asphyxiation like a normal person.

MUDawgfan said...

If you think I'm dressing up on Halloween as somthing other than Junior Seau's mom - you are OUTSIDE YOUR MIND.

Spearchucky said...

Phil Mushnick is my kind of guy!!!

As long as the Nets are allowing Jay-Z to call their marketing shots — what a shock that he chose black and white as the new team colors to stress, as the Nets explained, their new “urban” home — why not have him apply the full Jay-Z treatment?

Why the Brooklyn Nets when they can be the New York N------s? The cheerleaders could be the Brooklyn B----hes or Hoes. Team logo? A 9 mm with hollow-tip shell casings strewn beneath. Wanna be Jay-Z hip? Then go all the way!"


--Racist Gruden

The Iceman said...

Slow fucking clap for G$ on calling out the Beastie Boys and they're shittiness. They are nothing but a bunch of nursery rhymers. Sucky, sucky band and way overhyped.

Anonymous said...

Licensed to Ill was the fucking tits though. They pretty much went to shit after that. A greatest hits album pretty much sums up their glory.

That guy beat his cancer. I did remark that he was playing the cancer card too early when he was asking me how to live draft, though.

I have put zero thought to my own death, which I imagine will be due to heart disease. Runs rampant in my family, so I've made my peace with it. Most men in my position would go the Ape way and not eat red meat. Fuck that, give me delicious food and a couple mid 40's heart attacks. 10 years extra and no bacon isn't the way for me. Plus, it will end my love of the Browns that much quicker, so there are perks.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Over the last few weeks, Ide has become my favorite commentator on this blog. He brings it.

I thought the new Nets logo/color scheme were fucking awesome. Black people are definitely going to love wearing taht shit. If only there wasn't a salary cap in the NBA, they would be really good and popular quickly.

--Drew

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