Friday, May 11, 2012

Nothing Beats A Good Angry Rant

Rapist.
I think that we can all agree that we learned more than enough about The Glass City yesterday. Drew’s going to be there for one night, not a year. And I could not help but notice that he showed no desire to meet up with any of you NWO miscreants. He was just trolling for food and craft beer. He got you assholes jolly good. To close out the week, I have compiled a list of things that are currently pissing me the fuck off. This will be a pretty straightforward post. I am right and everything that I will be writing about today is wrong and stupid and not “God’s work”.

Scott’s – I admit that I actually like the ginger Scot that is in all of their ads this spring. He reminds me of Mulligan MacGregor from Tiger Woods golf (ELITE look-alike reference right there!). I have bought into the bullshit that Scott’s has sold to America over the past few years and decided to use their products to help build my lawn and stop weeds and seed the spots killed off by my dogs 100% sulfuric acid pees. Let me tell you the dirty little secret about these companies: Their products are all SHIT. None of it works. NONE OF IT. The US Military is widely known to be the strongest force on the planet, but I highly doubt that they could defeat the weeds that grow on my property. I’ve spent more than enough time pulling these fuckers (this is normally a job that I would delegate to the wife but these little bastards have roots that are 3-4 INCHES into the ground) and they just laugh at me. It’s like “Oh, you think you won? See you again in a week when I’m a foot tall and look like a lettuce patch. That’s cute that you’re putting Preen down to stop me and my friends. We’re still going to kill you.” I’m at the point where the only option seems to buy gasoline and a book of matches. It worked for Russia in the 40’s.

Slugs – Speaking of shit alongside my house, there is about a 3 foot stretch of mulch/siding that is absolutely infested with these hideous shitheads. I kill at least two per night (I have this AWESOME spray from Terminix that is like having the golden gun in GoldenEye—one spray and bitches get GOT). I have no idea where they come from or how they breed or why they aren’t taking the hint. But the war between G$ and the Army of Slugs rages on. I’ve even started incorporating a steady stream of urine flow to get my message across but that just could be because I like whipping my dong out in my backyard. I just assume that slugs are like freshman football players and that they hate golden showers.

Construction – In case you haven’t been to Columbus recently (and why would you), you may not know that every fucking road in the fucking city and suburbs is currently being ripped up right now. EVERY ROAD. You can’t go anywhere without being annoyed by orange barrels and cocksucker construction workers doing very little. The casino is expected to open some time around the New Year coming up. It will take them around 18 months to get it up from start to finish. However, the ten mile stretch of highway leading to the casino is apparently a goddamn three year project! How does that make any sense? It takes twice as long to lay new asphalt than it does to build a state of the art gaming hut? FUCK YOU, ODOT! I will never understand why this massive road project is going on and then also there is being work done on ramps, I-71, and the fucking road that my office is on. Do one project and then start the next one, dammit, you don’t just half-ass 8 different projects at the same time. Maybe Mike fucking Coleman should worry less about his pipe dream NBA franchise and more about how none of his constituents can drive the speed limit anymore. And, one more thing, asshole: Ohio can’t even support two football teams and two baseball teams and this state actually LIKES those sports.

Gay marriage – Why is this an issue at all? Let him live (CM & Torg reference)! It’s 2012 and we have evolved as a society. What exactly are the nay-sayers afraid of? It’s just fucking marriage which has proven time and time again to not be that important.

Dana Jacobsen – First of all, who are the people that keep First Take on the air? Show yourselves! Second, who is the person that approves her going sleeveless on the air sometimes? Have you seen her arms? They look like they belong to Kirstie Alley. Dana is repulsive.

Terrelle Pryor – What a lovely piece in SI that was! I’m interested to hear if he told the NCAA about his role as college football’s Robin Hood (taking whatever from the rich and giving it to himself first and then others if there were any crumbs left over). Spare me the “family man” horseshit, TP. You had diamond earrings and designer clothes and sports cars at your fingertips. Honest question though: if Mama Pryor was in such rough shape and had to be all stupid and heat the house with the stove, couldn’t TP’s “handler” up in Jeanette have loaned her some money without it being a violation? I mean, it sounds like that guy has money. Would it have been against the rules for him to give the Pryor’s a thousand bucks or whatever to keep from turning into fudgesicles (RACIST!)? Basically, Terrelle Pryor is still a liar and he is so awesome at football that he’s now Matt Leinart’s back-up. Well done.

Voicemail – My final rant is not really a rant but I’ve wanted to mention it for awhile but had no place to put it. Is there anything better than coming back to work from the weekend or lunch and seeing that you have no voicemails at your desk? That is a great feeling—seeing that no one wants anything from you and that you will not be bothered.

I feel better now. Read this blog…READ IT! See you on Monday.

29 comments:

Grumpy said...

Let gays marry. No reason they shouldn't be as miserable as the rest of us.

Anonymous said...

First off....G$ what's something worse that a guy could do to their girlfriend than already make her go to Toledo for a night? That would be introducing her to "The Iceman" on said trip to Toledo. Thank you everyone for your advice though.

*I have no clue if what you say about Scott's is true, but I believe it.

*I got no problem with slugs.

*The construction in this city is Michigan-like right now. Turrrible. I stopped going home on that stretch of 270 by the casino months ago after I got ran off the road into a ditch due to some dumb cunt that drove her car into one of those walls. There is no wiggle room in that area.

*Let the gays marry indeed. I don't know why anyone cares either.

*Dana Jacobson is a Michigan Wolverine and does a great job of showing what the average Wolverine woman looks like.

*That interview with TP was really funny. He hasn't changed one bit.

*That is a good feeling on voice mails. I also hate getting voice mails on my cell phone. Don't make me punch in a fucking code to hear your 15 second blurb of shit. Just text me it.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I don't mean to get political at all, but what is the reasoning behind those against gay marriage anyway? The Bible? Come on, it's 2012. I highly doubt that if Jesus was still walking around among us that he would want those people speaking for him. I'm pretty sure that if you LET HIM LIVE (like Bobby Petrino!) that their lavish gay weddings will be a huge boost to the economy. Problem solved. Grump's right, let them be miserable, too.

Drew, excellent point. Your girlfriend would leave you stranded in Toledo if you introduced her to Iceman.

I have no problems with slugs except that they are ugly as shit and shouldn't be trying to climb the exterior of my house. They do like it when I piss on them.

Good call on cell vmails. My mom does that. Eventhough I can see that she called, she will still leave me a voicemail of "Hey, it's mom, give me a call when you get this." Completely unnecessary.

Grumpy said...

It's your mother, cut her some slack.

I hadn't thought about it, but if I was in Toledo for the evening (which would never happen) and faced with the choice of dining alone or hooking up with Iceman, I would have dinner alone.

Anonymous said...

The gay marraige stuff is stupid. Just because our fearless leader's position on it has "evolved" (he didn't flip flop, only republicans flip flop) doesn't mean anything. Gay marriage has lost in every state it has been on the ballot (even California!). Thanks G$ for the political opening today.

-Damman

GMoney said...

You didn't answer why people are against it though. And you prove your ignorance by omitting the King of Flip Flops Mr. John Kerry!!!

But seriously, I don't want this to be a political thing. It's more of a common sense thing.

Anonymous said...

I could care less about fags marrying. It's up to the church to bar them not the state. Having said that, anyone who thinks Obama's stance is anything other than pandering for the fag vote, they're retarded.

This leads me in to the thing I really hate: Jerry not voting.

Ide

Prime99 said...

Trying to ban gay marriage is pretty gay.

Agreed on the voicemails- those are the worst.

I don't care about slugs, but my wife HATES them with a passion. I'm not sure exactly why.

Does Dana Jacobsen even work on First Take any more? I don't think she does. She looks like what I imagine Big Foot looks like.

GMoney said...

No fucking shit, Ide, thanks for the obvious update.

Ron Swanson has used the same wooden comb for the last 30 years. And clear liquor is for housewives. That was a GREAT episode and NBC better pick it up for next season. I see that Community was given another season to outsmart the audience and not be funny, so P&R better get one as well.

I actually laughed during The Office last night for the first time all season and it was simply due to Mose running away from the fag hag. Mose is the best. Andy is the worst.

I think that we should all be in favor of gay marriage just to get invited to the wedding of Shook's Son and Uncle T. What a flamboyant gala that would be! The mojitos would flow like wine!

Anonymous said...

I will leave the gay marriage thing alone now. Don't want this to get out of hand.

Shook's Son better damn well make an appearance today for this topic!

-Damman

Anonymous said...

I don't understand the opposition to gay marriage either. How does that effect your personal life or even the lives of others to the point where they are having their liberties violated? Not to go all legal on you, but there are a lot of property, tax, and other laws that are made to benefit spouses. I think if two homos are committed to eachother for life, they should be granted the important benefits, too.

Parks & Rec was great last night.

I hate the "Its your mother. Call me back." voicemail. She does this all the time, which is why it has gotten to the point where it angers me. I even went as far as telling her that if she does it, I will not return her call. She stopped for a while, but returned to her old ways.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

I don't understand the opposition to gay marriage either. How does that effect your personal life or even the lives of others to the point where they are having their liberties violated? Not to go all legal on you, but there are a lot of property, tax, and other laws that are made to benefit spouses. I think if two homos are committed to eachother for life, they should be granted the important benefits, too.

Parks & Rec was great last night.

I hate the "Its your mother. Call me back." voicemail. She does this all the time, which is why it has gotten to the point where it angers me. I even went as far as telling her that if she does it, I will not return her call. She stopped for a while, but returned to her old ways.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

I'll beat you all to the punch..."Nice double post, fag!"

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

I never listen to voicemails unless its a number I'm unaware of. My mom still leaves messages, but those get promptly deleted. I hit 77 as soon as I can. I hate when they ask, "did you get my message?"

I always say, "yeah, but I deleted it immediately, what did it say?"

Ide

GMoney said...

It's almost like moms don't believe that your caller ID is real and works. I've heard that Mr. Ace always returns your mother's vmails though. BURN!

But back to my question toward the end: Would it be against NCAA rules had Ma Pryor taken money from that handler guy? He had no connection to Ohio but was a total parasite.

Anonymous said...

According to the Cam Newton Precedent set by the NCAA, as long as TP "did not know" his mother was taking the money, neither he, nor OSU, could have gotten in any trouble.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure Sarniak could have given her some cash. He had given Pryor some shit late in high school that the NCAA was made aware of and OSU appealed to the NCAA that he was basically an important mentor in his life and it should be allowed. For whatever reason, the NCAA agreed to that and then told them it had to kind of stop. He was obviously still a central figure in TP's life as shown by the fact that Sarniak isthe one that Tress forwarded the e-mail to. So, I'm pretty sure it would have been no problem for Sarniak to secretly give TP's Mom a few hundred bucks to pay for some heat...so that whole story makes no sense.

Browns DT Phil Taylor is out a bunch of months with a torn chest muscle.

Anonymous said...

I've got a quick rant. Anything more bothersome than when you have like a tiny pebble of shit still stuck in your ass after taking a shit? So, you're just sitting there wiping at that damn little pebble trying to grind it down to nothing? Infuriates me...takes forever to get clean.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Shit Pebbles? Never experienced them but it sounds like the worst breakfast cereal ever.

The Iceman said...

I've got bad news for you G$. That casino is going to take a lot longer to erect than you think. Considering the one in Toledo isn't done yet and construction for that started 2 years ago. Or maybe it just feels like 2 years.

Drew's girlfriend meeting me would be the most ELITE thing they would do in Toledo. I would get them both shit faced and make them fist fight each other. Then they can be immortalized on Cops forever.

Let me be the bearer of more bad news. Next season will be the last for 30 Rock, Community and Parks and Rec. I read an article yesterday that said these shows will be given 13 episodes next season to create a half asses series finale. Nice to see NBC terminating anything that made it worth not completely skipping over that channel. Bravo, assholes.

The Iceman said...

I'm totally in favor of gay relationships. It's 2012. Who gives a fuck. A guy sticking his dick in another guy's ass isn't any more disgusting than two morbidly obese people using a fried chicken drum for a sexual device...which I'm sure happens. But for real. Fat people are fucking sick.

Brady said...

I'm away from the computer for most of the day so real quick.

- "I’m at the point where the only option seems to buy gasoline and a book of matches. It worked for Russia in the 40’s."- ELITE historical reference!

- Totes agree on gay marriage. Seriously, who gives a flying fuck what two other people want to do with their lives? I have enough trouble running my own life to be all up in arms over someone else's.

- TP is a dickwad.

- Weeds are the worst. My house is next to a drainage ditch where the weeds grow like wildfire. Have you ever battled weeds with a infinite supply water? AWFUL!

- Derek Lowe 5-1 2.47 ERA

GMoney said...

Iceman, the article that you read is not quite yet official. 30 Rock is ending after 13 episodes next season (accurate). Community is getting 13 as well (but no death sentence yet). Parks & Rec is still up in the air but I'd like to meet the NBC exec that tells Ron Swanson that he's fired. Their up-fronts are next week, I think.

Casino - Gilbert is opening the Cleveland one this weekend or pretty soon so they'll be here quickly. I'm fairly certain that Columbus will open on time since all of the structural shit is finished. We'll see though. Construction workers can get raped though. Especially Spieth.

The Iceman said...

Whatever happens...it doesn't sound good. It just doesn't make sense for the network to ax so many awesome shows for shows that will probably suck total balls.

GMoney said...

What, you mean like the half comedy starring the hilarious ANNE HECHE that they are developing???

Li'l Poopson (Scott's employee) is sending me threats via Facebook for slandering the #1 lawn care company. Then you pull my weeds for free, jerk!

The Iceman said...

With comedy like that, G$...how can they go wrong????

/punches self in the dick.

GMoney said...

FUCK YES PARKS AND REC RENEWED FOR NEXT SEASON WITH A FULL 22 EPISODE RUN!!! SWANSON/MACLIN 2012!!!

Shook's Son said...

Tell Obama he can suck my waxed white dick.

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