Scott’s – I admit that I actually like the ginger Scot that is in all of their ads this spring. He reminds me of Mulligan MacGregor from Tiger Woods golf (ELITE look-alike reference right there!). I have bought into the bullshit that Scott’s has sold to America over the past few years and decided to use their products to help build my lawn and stop weeds and seed the spots killed off by my dogs 100% sulfuric acid pees. Let me tell you the dirty little secret about these companies: Their products are all SHIT. None of it works. NONE OF IT. The US Military is widely known to be the strongest force on the planet, but I highly doubt that they could defeat the weeds that grow on my property. I’ve spent more than enough time pulling these fuckers (this is normally a job that I would delegate to the wife but these little bastards have roots that are 3-4 INCHES into the ground) and they just laugh at me. It’s like “Oh, you think you won? See you again in a week when I’m a foot tall and look like a lettuce patch. That’s cute that you’re putting Preen down to stop me and my friends. We’re still going to kill you.” I’m at the point where the only option seems to buy gasoline and a book of matches. It worked for Russia in the 40’s.
Slugs – Speaking of shit alongside my house, there is about a 3 foot stretch of mulch/siding that is absolutely infested with these hideous shitheads. I kill at least two per night (I have this AWESOME spray from Terminix that is like having the golden gun in GoldenEye—one spray and bitches get GOT). I have no idea where they come from or how they breed or why they aren’t taking the hint. But the war between G$ and the Army of Slugs rages on. I’ve even started incorporating a steady stream of urine flow to get my message across but that just could be because I like whipping my dong out in my backyard. I just assume that slugs are like freshman football players and that they hate golden showers.
Construction – In case you haven’t been to Columbus recently (and why would you), you may not know that every fucking road in the fucking city and suburbs is currently being ripped up right now. EVERY ROAD. You can’t go anywhere without being annoyed by orange barrels and cocksucker construction workers doing very little. The casino is expected to open some time around the New Year coming up. It will take them around 18 months to get it up from start to finish. However, the ten mile stretch of highway leading to the casino is apparently a goddamn three year project! How does that make any sense? It takes twice as long to lay new asphalt than it does to build a state of the art gaming hut? FUCK YOU, ODOT! I will never understand why this massive road project is going on and then also there is being work done on ramps, I-71, and the fucking road that my office is on. Do one project and then start the next one, dammit, you don’t just half-ass 8 different projects at the same time. Maybe Mike fucking Coleman should worry less about his pipe dream NBA franchise and more about how none of his constituents can drive the speed limit anymore. And, one more thing, asshole: Ohio can’t even support two football teams and two baseball teams and this state actually LIKES those sports.
Gay marriage – Why is this an issue at all? Let him live (CM & Torg reference)! It’s 2012 and we have evolved as a society. What exactly are the nay-sayers afraid of? It’s just fucking marriage which has proven time and time again to not be that important.
Dana Jacobsen – First of all, who are the people that keep First Take on the air? Show yourselves! Second, who is the person that approves her going sleeveless on the air sometimes? Have you seen her arms? They look like they belong to Kirstie Alley. Dana is repulsive.
Terrelle Pryor – What a lovely piece in SI that was! I’m interested to hear if he told the NCAA about his role as college football’s Robin Hood (taking whatever from the rich and giving it to himself first and then others if there were any crumbs left over). Spare me the “family man” horseshit, TP. You had diamond earrings and designer clothes and sports cars at your fingertips. Honest question though: if Mama Pryor was in such rough shape and had to be all stupid and heat the house with the stove, couldn’t TP’s “handler” up in Jeanette have loaned her some money without it being a violation? I mean, it sounds like that guy has money. Would it have been against the rules for him to give the Pryor’s a thousand bucks or whatever to keep from turning into fudgesicles (RACIST!)? Basically, Terrelle Pryor is still a liar and he is so awesome at football that he’s now Matt Leinart’s back-up. Well done.
Voicemail – My final rant is not really a rant but I’ve wanted to mention it for awhile but had no place to put it. Is there anything better than coming back to work from the weekend or lunch and seeing that you have no voicemails at your desk? That is a great feeling—seeing that no one wants anything from you and that you will not be bothered.
I feel better now. Read this blog…READ IT! See you on Monday.