Tuesday, May 15, 2012
I don't remember who...but one of you skanks mentioned something about an NBA post last week. So here it is. Not so much because I'm trying to please whatever nameless fella blurted it out, but more to piss off Brady for all of the pain and anguish he's caused me over the years. STOP BUTTING INTO MY TWITTER TIME WITH PRIME!!! Where did that come from?? I think it's safe to say at this point that Prime and I are in the closest thing you can consider to be a Twitter relationship. That sounds horribly homosexual...but at this point I'm just too fucking lazy to hit the delete button. It might as well be in marker, and I'm NOT ASHAMED!!! Plus with all the talk of gay marriage around here lately it seemed oddly appropriate. Man...this got weird quick.
/does 10 pushups to prove hetero manhood.
Anyway...NBA things. I think first I will address the awards handed out followed by some terribly poopy predictions about how this round will shake out. This should be incredibly long and painful...just for you, Brady.
Sixth Man: This is kind of a bullshit choice since James Harden CHOSE to come off the bench. He wasn't shamefully forced to be a reserve like most reserves are. Not to mention the fact that he plays starters minutes. But I suppose I don't hate the choice since Harden is a genuinely likable guy. Unlike Carlos Boozer and his huge, giant, mutant mouth that needs to be open as wide as it can possibly go whenever he opens it. I would go fucking insane being forced to watch Boozer eat a bowl of soup. I bet it looks like he's trying to deep throat the spoon with every excruciating bite. Harden could use some dental work though. Looks like God blindfolded himself when he threw those choppers in there.
Comeback Player of the Year: Fuck yeah, white guy. I firmly believe that this award, along with 6th man award, are really the only basketball awards the whites are capable of winning. I guess we can't be sweet at everything. That's all I really have to say because no one cares about Ryan Anderson and his perfectly sculpted goatee.
Defensive Player of the Year: At least one good thing came from the LOLest super team tards in the history of sports. I almost forgot Tyson Chandler was on the team with all of the public fellatio of Jeremy Lin and the rest of New York's below average roster. Maybe if Dwight Howard didn't transform into the biggest piece of shit alive overnight, he could have made history by winning his 4th consecutive award. Oh well...back to awkward interviews and acting like you're 12, Dwight. Stay in that comfort zone.
Rookie of the Year: Kyrie Irving continues to plunder my anus with revengey mad skills on the court. I once called him the black Bobby Hurley. I assumed comparing him to a bucktoothed loser with skin the color of paper towels and milky barf would be enough to convince everyone here that Irving would be a disastrous flop. HooooBoy was I wrong. I'll call myself out on this one. I so dumb...I so dumb for real. Kid's got the fuckin skilz that kilz and as long as he can stay on the court has the talent to be an MVP four years from now. My apologies, Kyrie...now if you'll excuse me I just have to go add you to my "must draft" fantasy basketball list for next year.
MVP: LEBRIZZLE!!!!! How choice is it that Lebron won another MVP? God, I fucking love it. All the sour dick Cavs fans keep grasping at ruh-tarded shit to try and downplay how fucking sweet this guy really is. At this point you just have to grow up and admit the dude is the best player in the world. FACT. My only hope is that the Heat win it all and Lebron is the finals MVP. That combination of awards for him this year would have to result in 20% of Clevelanders Junior Seau'ing themselves, right? In my opinion, that's 20% fewer dildos to worry about. GO HEAT!
Heat vs. Pacers
I say Miami takes this series in 6. At first I was thinking Miami should close in 5 since the Pacers don't blow your balls off with talent, but that team is annoyingly scrappy and plays hard. I think the scrappy factor has the potential to translate to two wins in this series. But if Lebron guards and shuts down Granger all series, this team is fucked unless someone like Tyler Hansbrough has a few tricks tucked into his tighty whitey's. Outside of Granger, I don't think there is anyone you can really depend on...which is terrifying since Granger is Joe Johnson 2.0. Bosh sitting out will have zero effect on the Heat winning...because he's soooo fucking terrible, REMEMBER?????
Celtics vs. Sixers
Boston already has a one game lead...barely. But I'm gonna stick with my original prediction of the 76ers making the Eastern Conference finals and pick them here. (This was written before the end of tonight's game so hopefully Philly doesn't have a two game hole to climb out of) I like the youth on this team and I think the speed of the Sixers eventually breaks down Boston's nursing home and Paul Pierce's Kielbasa sausage back fat rolls. No one wants to see Ol' tubby tits milking fake injuries in the playoffs anymore. We'll flip on a soccer match if we want to see pussies doing pussy things. Sixers in 7 only because Boston is super annoying and never goes away when they should.
Spurs vs. Clippers
Captain Craterface and his gang of hateable geezers does it again. As much as I can't stand putting San Antonio in the West finals, the Clippers are way too banged up to make it past this team. Not to mention the Spurs are deeper than Dale Horvath's nostrils. I guess I get another series of watching Tim Duncan bitch about every call with his patented saucer eyed "You just called that on me??" look. Spurs in 6...only because a banged up Clipper team is still good enough to win two games. Just know I almost said 5 because Vinny DelNegro is a terrible fucking coach. He couldn't coach my sixth grade Kitty Kat team better than my old man did.
Thunder vs. Lakers
This is going to be the best series this round by far...but for all the wrong reasons. I can't wait to see how the OKC crowd reacts to Metta World Elbows tonight. I don't think booing is nearly enough for that blatant dirty fucking elbow Artest brained James Harden with. I want trash to be thrown. And arena trash isn't good enough...I'm talking real, legit garbage. I want fans to bring kitchen trash from their homes into the game with them. I want to see tin cans, moldy food and spaghetti jars being heaved with laser point accuracy at Artest. I want this to look like an all black team playing a road game in Mississippi in the 50's. Anything less would be a complete disappointment since I would think booing has zero effect on a man who will most likely murder someone in the next 10 years. It's real simple. OKC has more talent and they don't have Bynum or Artest on their team. Those two future asylum patients do more harm than good. OKC in 5.
Well, that's all I've got. I hope this post satisfied your lust for NBA related reading. But even more I hope it saves us all from whatever douchy comments Brady wants to throw out there about the Indians or Ohio recruiting or Urban Meyer's ball shaving habits. Since I know G$ is seething about another Lebron MVP, I'm sure he will take us to nuggetville informing us all of the catastrophic flaws in Lebron's game. Let the Lebron James debate begin. GO HEAT!