Tuesday, May 15, 2012

No More Suicides...Here is Some NBA.

                                                 DEAL WITH IT!!



I don't remember who...but one of you skanks mentioned something about an NBA post last week.  So here it is.  Not so much because I'm trying to please whatever nameless fella blurted it out, but more to piss off Brady for all of the pain and anguish he's caused me over the years.  STOP BUTTING INTO MY TWITTER TIME WITH PRIME!!!  Where did that come from??  I think it's safe to say at this point that Prime and I are in the closest thing you can consider to be a Twitter relationship.  That sounds horribly homosexual...but at this point I'm just too fucking lazy to hit the delete button.  It might as well be in marker, and I'm NOT ASHAMED!!!  Plus with all the talk of gay marriage around here lately it seemed oddly appropriate.  Man...this got weird quick.

/does 10 pushups to prove hetero manhood.

Anyway...NBA things.  I think first I will address the awards handed out followed by some terribly poopy predictions about how this round will shake out.  This should be incredibly long and painful...just for you, Brady.

Sixth Man:  This is kind of a bullshit choice since James Harden CHOSE to come off the bench.  He wasn't shamefully forced to be a reserve like most reserves are.  Not to mention the fact that he plays starters minutes. But I suppose I don't hate the choice since Harden is a genuinely likable guy.  Unlike Carlos Boozer and his huge, giant, mutant mouth that needs to be open as wide as it can possibly go whenever he opens it.  I would go fucking insane being forced to watch Boozer eat a bowl of soup.  I bet it looks like he's trying to deep throat the spoon with every excruciating bite.  Harden could use some dental work though.  Looks like God blindfolded himself when he threw those choppers in there.

Comeback Player of the Year:  Fuck yeah, white guy.  I firmly believe that this award, along with 6th man award, are really the only basketball awards the whites are capable of winning.  I guess we can't be sweet at everything.  That's all I really have to say because no one cares about Ryan Anderson and his perfectly sculpted goatee.

Defensive Player of the Year:  At least one good thing came from the LOLest super team tards in the history of sports.  I almost forgot Tyson Chandler was on the team with all of the public fellatio of Jeremy Lin and the rest of New York's below average roster.  Maybe if Dwight Howard didn't transform into the biggest piece of shit alive overnight, he could have made history by winning his 4th consecutive award.  Oh well...back to awkward interviews and acting like you're 12, Dwight.  Stay in that comfort zone.

Rookie of the Year:  Kyrie Irving continues to plunder my anus with revengey mad skills on the court.  I once called him the black Bobby Hurley.  I assumed comparing him to a bucktoothed loser with skin the color of paper towels and milky barf would be enough to convince everyone here that Irving would be a disastrous flop.  HooooBoy was I wrong.  I'll call myself out on this one.  I so dumb...I so dumb for real.  Kid's got the fuckin skilz that kilz and as long as he can stay on the court has the talent to be an MVP four years from now.  My apologies, Kyrie...now if you'll excuse me I just have to go add you to my "must draft" fantasy basketball list for next year.

MVP:  LEBRIZZLE!!!!!  How choice is it that Lebron won another MVP?  God, I fucking love it.  All the sour dick Cavs fans keep grasping at ruh-tarded shit to try and downplay how fucking sweet this guy really is.  At this point you just have to grow up and admit the dude is the best player in the world.  FACT.  My only hope is that the Heat win it all and Lebron is the finals MVP.  That combination of awards for him this year would have to result in 20% of Clevelanders Junior Seau'ing themselves, right?  In my opinion, that's 20% fewer dildos to worry about.  GO HEAT!

Heat vs. Pacers

I say Miami takes this series in 6.  At first I was thinking Miami should close in 5 since the Pacers don't blow your balls off with talent, but that team is annoyingly scrappy and plays hard.  I think the scrappy factor has the potential to translate to two wins in this series.  But if Lebron guards and shuts down Granger all series, this team is fucked unless someone like Tyler Hansbrough has a few tricks tucked into his tighty whitey's.  Outside of Granger, I don't think there is anyone you can really depend on...which is terrifying since Granger is Joe Johnson 2.0.  Bosh sitting out will have zero effect on the Heat winning...because he's soooo fucking terrible, REMEMBER?????

Celtics vs. Sixers

Boston already has a one game lead...barely.  But I'm gonna stick with my original prediction of the 76ers making the Eastern Conference finals and pick them here.  (This was written before the end of tonight's game so hopefully Philly doesn't have a two game hole to climb out of) I like the youth on this team and I think the speed of the Sixers eventually breaks down Boston's nursing home and Paul Pierce's Kielbasa sausage back fat rolls.  No one wants to see Ol' tubby tits milking fake injuries in the playoffs anymore.  We'll flip on a soccer match if we want to see pussies doing pussy things.  Sixers in 7 only because Boston is super annoying and never goes away when they should.

Spurs vs. Clippers

Captain Craterface and his gang of hateable geezers does it again.  As much as I can't stand putting San Antonio in the West finals, the Clippers are way too banged up to make it past this team.  Not to mention the Spurs are deeper than Dale Horvath's nostrils.  I guess I get another series of watching Tim Duncan bitch about every call with his patented saucer eyed "You just called that on me??" look.  Spurs in 6...only because a banged up Clipper team is still good enough to win two games.  Just know I almost said 5 because Vinny DelNegro is a terrible fucking coach.  He couldn't coach my sixth grade Kitty Kat team better than my old man did.

Thunder vs. Lakers

This is going to be the best series this round by far...but for all the wrong reasons.  I can't wait to see how the OKC crowd reacts to Metta World Elbows tonight.  I don't think booing is nearly enough for that blatant dirty fucking elbow Artest brained James Harden with.  I want trash to be thrown.  And arena trash isn't good enough...I'm talking real, legit garbage.  I want fans to bring kitchen trash from their homes into the game with them.  I want to see tin cans, moldy food and spaghetti jars being heaved with laser point accuracy at Artest.  I want this to look like an all black team playing a road game in Mississippi in the 50's.  Anything less would be a complete disappointment since I would think booing has zero effect on a man who will most likely murder someone in the next 10 years.  It's real simple.  OKC has more talent and they don't have Bynum or Artest on their team.  Those two future asylum patients do more harm than good.  OKC in 5.

Well, that's all I've got.  I hope this post satisfied your lust for NBA related reading.  But even more I hope it saves us all from whatever douchy comments Brady wants to throw out there about the Indians or Ohio recruiting or Urban Meyer's ball shaving habits.  Since I know G$ is seething about another Lebron MVP, I'm sure he will take us to nuggetville informing us all of the catastrophic flaws in Lebron's game.  Let the Lebron James debate begin.  GO HEAT!

26 comments:

Grumpy said...

LeBron deserved it and I hope he gets a ring.

Grumpy said...

Hey, what about Birdman and his collection of kiddie porn?

GMoney said...

As I said to you via text (how old skool!) on Friday, it's nice to see the league reward a guy that no one wants touching the ball in the final minute of a close game. You can have your fucking stats but coffee is for closers.

I wish that they would just change the name to the Most Outstanding Player since that is who they give it to. It never goes to the most valuable player. Take LeBron off the Heat and they lost, what, one spot in seeding. Take Kevin Love off the Wolves and they win three games.

No one is arguing that LeBron isn't the best player in the world though. You won't hear that from me. He is...for 47 minutes.

Kyrie hates The Iceman.

That Clips/Grizz game 7 was probably the worst basketball game that I've ever watched. The Spurs are going to sweep the Clips.

Fun fact: The Heat win 75% of their games when Bosh is in the lineup and 44% when he is out. It's pretty simple to me...CHRIS BOSH 4 MVP!!!

Anonymous said...

The Spurs ain't gonna sweep the Clips. CP3 won't let that happen.

I thought the Thunder/Lakers series was going to be excellent as well. I know it was only one game....but, last night has me thinking that thought.

Evan Turner with the sick lay-up last night to take the lead with 30 seconds to go. It's been fun to watch him play so well these playoffs...big jump next year...no more head games from Collins.

Kevin Garnett is such a douchebag.

I definitely think the Heat should be able to knock out the Pacers without Bosh. I do think Boston will knock out the Sixers...but, if the Heat play the Celtics without Bosh then that series goes to a coin flip.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I was the one who requested this topic. Birdman with kiddie porn makes G$ the winner of another Fleshlight. Well deserved. I foolishly put $100 on the Clippers beating the Spurs in the playoffs back in January. Im so fucked.

That Clips/Griz series was great. Classic hatred, hard fouls, great refs, and a guy named Lionel! Waiting for the Pacers to come back and beat the Heat now. Thankfully Bosh is out so, this pleases me.

Ide

GMoney said...

CP3 played Mike Conley to a standstill. Tony Parker is going to sodomize him with his baguette.

OH FUCK YES! I forgot about that! My first round draft pick is being investigated for kiddie porn! ELITE! Start pooling your money together...I want the butthole this time.

Prime99 said...

I don't see what was so wrong about talking about Alice In Chains and Ide liking Train. We can always regain our "heterosexuality" by tweeting about Indians baseball or Braxton Miller's thighs.

I don't think the Hate will win a championship, though their road has been made easier by Mr. Glass' health problems.

The more I watch the Thunder, the more ok I become with elbowing James Harden in the dome.

The Iceman said...

I made a last minute audible, Grumpy. I tried sliding it in there but it just didn't fit...like Kobe's rape dick doesn't fit into a willing vagina. Lesbehonest...this isn't the first time I've let you down and certainly will not be the last.

Lebron showed up in the 4th quarter last game...yet no one cares to discuss it. Weird. It's hilarious how everyone destroyed Bosh on the Heat...calling him a half superstar or second rate player...now all of a sudden they can't win a series without him. Make up your minds haters!

I can't believe how much Ide likes Train. It's disgusting.

Anonymous said...

Woah. Lets clear something up right now. I dont like Train. G$ was saying that being a dick when I missed the MSFL draft.

Im all for chipping in on this anal Fleshlight. Normally, I'd happily consider this a no bet, but he did have kiddie porn and that was an automatic victory. Respeck must be paid.

Ide

GMoney said...

I thought that my second round pick of Kris Humphries was a shoe-in for kiddie porn as well. This "win" really helps ease my pain of knowing that Fleshjack Cust is going to go winless this Summer. Maybe I need to change the name to Fleshjack McDowell.

No one said anything about the Heat being fucked without Bosh. Stop spreading lies.

Like I said, for 47 minutes per game he is the best. That 48th minute though...

And I am sick and tired of hearing people compliment him on his defense. His defense is terrible. Chase downs are cool and all but whatever. He gambles all the time and spends most of the game guarding the other team's worst player on the court. He has done this ever since he came into the league!!! Oh yeah, that makes him all sorts of ELITE.

The Iceman said...

Hey, Ide...you like who you like man. For some its gangsta rap for others its Train.

Every station I'm listening to today is talking about how that last foul on Garnett was a foul but shouldn't have been called. Oh really. He fucking cleared out Iguodala with a moving fucking screen to give fat tits a wide open 3 attepmt. Tell me again how that wasn't going to alter the end of the game and how the refs should overlook that. Fucking morons.

Anonymous said...

NBA thread and no one brings up that ass raping the Thunder gave the Lakers last night. Mike Brown is a terrible coach. But a Spurs/Thunder WC Finals would be amazing basketball.

Well, damn it all to hell, that guy from Swamp People died. I was really hoping for an ELITE gator attack, but alas, it was a seizure. That won't help ratings.

GMoney said...

Mike Brown is not good. John Kuester was a disaster in Detroit. But when you put them together (like they are again), they morph into a passable coach. We'll see how that goes. I wouldn't read too much into last night. OKC had revenge on their minds and the Lakers were tired after fucking around with Denver for way too long. They were always going to lose that game.

What a dumb point that dumb people are making. HOW CAN YOU CALL A FOUL A FOUL!!! These are probably the same dbags that think that a "crab dribble" is a basketball move.

Brady said...

I have to admit I didn't make it through the whole post before my eyes glazed over. I enjoy butting into your twitter time with Prime. Especially when I'm drunk by the fire at 1:30 am. I really don't remember what I said but I'm sure it was thought provoking.

If I see a thread about Indians baseball or Braxton Miller's thighs in the future, I'm totes in.

I heard that Kyrie won rookie of the year. Good job buddy! Now the Cavs need 3 more drafts just like that and I'm sure they will be right back in it.

Indians blew the lead last night and then took it back in the 8th with some ELITE hitting. CP closed it out with his 12th save! I slept well after that my friends.

GMoney said...

I almost shit my pants while watching the IND/MIA game on Sunday and there was LeBron wishing everyone a Happy Mother's Day. I'm sure that Juwan Howard LOL'ed as he saw that while he was pooping on Gloria's chest.

The Iceman said...

I think that heat pacers series is gonna be pretty entertaining. I cant wait to see how many people hansbrough pisses off. Im guessing its the whole roster and half of america by series end.

Anonymous said...

Psycho T going apeshit on Udonis will be great television for sure. I can totes see a "Come At Me Bro(ugh)!" moment in this series, and will be rooting for it adamantly.

Ide

Grumpy said...

G$ and his thing with LeBron is starting to sound like a jilted lover. Christ, she decided you weren't the one, she's moved on, time for you to do the same.

The Iceman said...

That's easily Grumpys best comment ever. Well done, sir.

GMoney said...

I don't get it. I've more than moved on (thanks to Kyrie). Our divorce has been final for awhile. That doesn't mean that I want him to do well though or that I will ever stop thinking that he's a backstabbing little pussy bitch. If my wife came home tonight and told me that she was leaving me and marrying...I don't know...that Fabio guy, I sure as shit wouldn't hope that she lives the rest of her life in happiness and bliss.

What kind of fan would I be if I completely buried the hatchet? I would not be a fan if I did that. If you want to spit in the face of competitive sport and hope that he pulls a ring off with or without taint, then that is fine. I completely disagree with that notion but whatever, you probably want to fondle Shook's Son anyway.

Hate fuels us all.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's post when I love blog tonights She$/G$ conversation about her forthcoming nuptials with Fabio.

Anonymous said...

Thats a bad metaphor. Leaving you in the most backstabbingly dispicable way would warrant an MVP award regardless of her following performance.

Ide

GMoney said...

One more thing that did not deserve to be ignored:

St. Paul 2 was a shitty team. Yeah, I said it.

The Iceman said...

Wouldn't living well be the best revenge in that sitch? Taking every opportunity to shit talk your "ex" shows that even though you say you're over it...you really aren't. If you truly were then you would give a shit what happens with Lebron from this point on. I'm not saying wish him well, I'm saying not take pot shots at him like, i don't know....like any of the comments above.

Grumpy said...

Iceman, can I have a Twitter threesome with you and Prime? I'm not nearly as annoying as Brady.

GMoney said...

When you stop hating Ohio State and their fans, then I will stop hating LeBron. At least I have a reason to hate him. Argument = WON BY ME

Hate is good.

Prime99 said...

I can confidently speak for both Iceman and me- we'd love to have you involved in a Twotter threesome.