"Just know I was always the favorite. Bitch."
So, last week I was heading out to fake dinner with some friends that don't exist and we decided to get our white trash on and dine at a TGI Friday's. I think we were all feeling a little too good about our lives at that point and needed to be kicked down a couple pegs. What better way to humble yourself than to eat over priced disgusting slop prepared by a gang of high school drop outs who most likely pubified something that you'll be eating in 20 minutes? Well, we get seated and wouldn't you know it??? Directly next to me were the Harbaugh brothers enjoying a dinner together. The following is the conversation I overheard:
John Harbaugh: Fuck yeah! Dining in luxury tonight. I feel like fucking royalty. Isn't this that place owned by that frosted tipped twat, Guy Fiero?
Jim Harbaugh: Probably. Who the fuck names themselves after a shitty car like that? (Fun fact: I actually know TWO people that drove a Fiero in high school. Believe it or not, both of them are still alive and one is an off and on commenter on this very site!)
John: So. How's the biggest faggot, pussy little brother in the history of faggot, pussy little brothers? Still having problems keeping that vagina of yours moist?
Jim: Fuck you, ya fuckin fuck face. DICK MEASURING CONTEST! RIGHT NOW!! Flaccid cocks only, you cheating fuck!
John: You know that Twizzler in your shorts doesn't hold up to my robust meat rocket. Silly bitch.
Jim: That's not what your wife said when I power blasted her uvula with my fleshy power washer.
John: Hey, Gaylord! I thought we said wives were off limits! You fuckin cheat like those faggot Patriot players and their STAINED titles.
Jim: Right?! It's about time someone had the fuckin scrote to stand up and speak the truth. Doesn't surprise me that it was a motherfuckin Harbaugh that set the record straight for the world. Every other surname is pussy in comparison.
John: Did you see what that fuckin cockgobbler Teddy Bruschi replied with? I couldn't tell if it came from his mouth or his beav.
Jim: Probably something about heart attacks since that's all that beef curtain was ever good at. I'm surprised he pulled through the way he did considering he's a walking period. I would purposely punch like a girl and still kick his shit in.
John: Not if I fuck him up first. You can have my sloppy ass kicking seconds since I always pave the way for anything you do, any-fuckin-way!
Jim: Oh fuck no you didn't! Wait, hold on...
Waitress walks by...Jim smacks her ass and gets a dirty look
Jim: Cunt, please! Wipe that whorish trailer park look off your fuckin skank face before I go raw fist up your turd maker. You should feel lucky I graced your filthy mom ass with the almighty Harbaugh palm of righteousness and justice! Next time you walk through here, you better have those titties out too!!
John: That's what's up!!! Harbaugh high five!!
/The Harbaugh boys air chest bump, land, grab each others balls and scream “NO HOMO!”.
John: Back to business. I'm thinking about making a plaster mold of my scrotum for Canton. They can hang if from the ceiling in the player head mold room to remind the world that without Harbaugh nuts the NFL would not exist. Thoughts?
Jim: God Dammit! That's fucking brilliant! How is this the first conversation we've had about this? Then they can put a statue of me fuckin nutting all over the bronze player heads in there! No homo, of course.
John: Of course.
Jim: Did you know I could have babies if I wanted to? Birth babies from my fuckin butthole. I just choose not to.
John: What does this have to do with our conversation?
Jim: Oh, I don't know...just flexing my superiority as Top Harbaugh. I mean, unless you can squeeze a human out of your hairy turd cutter like I clearly can. But of course we all know you can't soooooo...debate settled and you're a queerbo.
/little kid walks up
Kid: Mr. Harbaugh...can I have your autograph?
John: Jesus Christ kid. You can't weigh more than a pile of rhino shit. What the fuck is with you? You're all pale and milky like that crazy fuckin bastard who fucks himself up from that Jesus thumper movie. Had that one fucker in it....Tom somethings or others. What was it called?
Jim: Sister Act?
Jim: Angels in the Outfield?
Jim: Boogie Nights?
Jim: Sister Act 2?
John: Boom! Nailed it. AH! Christ, kid. You scared the nipples off my chest. Why are you still here?
Kid: I have cancer Mr. Harbaugh...and all I wanted was an au........
John: GAHHH! FUCK! JIM! DON'T TOUCH THIS LITTLE SHIT! HE'S GOT THE CANCER!
Jim: John...you cock for brains fucktard. You can only get cancer if you make out with him. You learn that in like......2nd grade. But I know that temptation is gonna be tough to fight through, ya God damn queen!
/John signs a napkin for the kid with a disgusted look on his face.
John: Alright, now fuckin beat it before you ruin my dinner you gross, gross, barfy mutant.
Jim: Handled that perfectly. Aces, chief.
/Waitress walks up to take the order
Jim: Ummmmmm, weren't someones beefers supposed to be out? Whatever. I'll have 30 steaks shaped like huge tits. Because that's what fuckin MEN eat. And this little pussy over here will have your bitchiest salad. With dicks on it. As many dicks as you can find to pile on. Make it real fuckin gay for him. Because he's a complete faggot. That will be all, whore. Now make yourself useful and fetch my food.
whispers to John - They love it when you talk to them that way.
Well, shortly after the Harbaugh brothers were escorted off the premises. What I learned that night is something that most of us probably already know. The Harbaugh brothers are quickly become impossible to like. They're loud, arrogant and starting to rival Rex Ryan's assholeness. And that stings my heart as a Michigan fan. But since Jim pretty much hates the Wolverines and essentially told us to cram a fist up our ass when offered the head coaching job...it's getting easier to dislike him by the day...especially after fake nights like these. No real topic today. Just a fake Harbaugh conversation I wanted to get off my chest that I think we all can appreciate. Go nuts, kids.