Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Look Who Turned Out to be Pretty Jerky!

                            "Just know I was always the favorite.  Bitch."

So, last week I was heading out to fake dinner with some friends that don't exist and we decided to get our white trash on and dine at a TGI Friday's.  I think we were all feeling a little too good about our lives at that point and needed to be kicked down a couple pegs.  What better way to humble yourself than to eat over priced disgusting slop prepared by a gang of high school drop outs who most likely pubified something that you'll be eating in 20 minutes? Well, we get seated and wouldn't you know it???  Directly next to me were the Harbaugh brothers enjoying a dinner together.  The following is the conversation I overheard:

John Harbaugh:  Fuck yeah!  Dining in luxury tonight.  I feel like fucking royalty.  Isn't this that place owned by that frosted tipped twat, Guy Fiero?

Jim Harbaugh:  Probably.  Who the fuck names themselves after a shitty car like that?  (Fun fact: I actually know TWO people that drove a Fiero in high school.  Believe it or not, both of them are still alive and one is an off and on commenter on this very site!)

John: So.  How's the biggest faggot, pussy little brother in the history of faggot, pussy little brothers? Still having problems keeping that vagina of yours moist?

Jim: Fuck you, ya fuckin fuck face. DICK MEASURING CONTEST! RIGHT NOW!! Flaccid cocks only, you cheating fuck!

John: You know that Twizzler in your shorts doesn't hold up to my robust meat rocket. Silly bitch.

Jim: That's not what your wife said when I power blasted her uvula with my fleshy power washer.

John: Hey, Gaylord! I thought we said wives were off limits! You fuckin cheat like those faggot Patriot players and their STAINED titles.

Jim: Right?! It's about time someone had the fuckin scrote to stand up and speak the truth. Doesn't surprise me that it was a motherfuckin Harbaugh that set the record straight for the world. Every other surname is pussy in comparison.

John: Did you see what that fuckin cockgobbler Teddy Bruschi replied with?  I couldn't tell if it came from his mouth or his beav.

Jim: Probably something about heart attacks since that's all that beef curtain was ever good at. I'm surprised he pulled through the way he did considering he's a walking period. I would purposely punch like a girl and still kick his shit in.

John: Not if I fuck him up first. You can have my sloppy ass kicking seconds since I always pave the way for anything you do, any-fuckin-way!

Jim: Oh fuck no you didn't! Wait, hold on...

Waitress walks by...Jim smacks her ass and gets a dirty look

Jim: Cunt, please! Wipe that whorish trailer park look off your fuckin skank face before I go raw fist up your turd maker. You should feel lucky I graced your filthy mom ass with the almighty Harbaugh palm of righteousness and justice! Next time you walk through here, you better have those titties out too!!

John: That's what's up!!! Harbaugh high five!!

/The Harbaugh boys air chest bump, land, grab each others balls and scream “NO HOMO!”.

John: Back to business. I'm thinking about making a plaster mold of my scrotum for Canton. They can hang if from the ceiling in the player head mold room to remind the world that without Harbaugh nuts the NFL would not exist. Thoughts?

Jim: God Dammit! That's fucking brilliant! How is this the first conversation we've had about this? Then they can put a statue of me fuckin nutting all over the bronze player heads in there! No homo, of course.

John: Of course.

Jim: Did you know I could have babies if I wanted to? Birth babies from my fuckin butthole. I just choose not to.

John: What does this have to do with our conversation?

Jim: Oh, I don't know...just flexing my superiority as Top Harbaugh. I mean, unless you can squeeze a human out of your hairy turd cutter like I clearly can. But of course we all know you can't soooooo...debate settled and you're a queerbo.

/little kid walks up

Kid: Mr. Harbaugh...can I have your autograph?

John: Jesus Christ kid. You can't weigh more than a pile of rhino shit. What the fuck is with you?  You're all pale and milky like that crazy fuckin bastard who fucks himself up from that Jesus thumper movie.  Had that one fucker in it....Tom somethings or others.  What was it called?

Jim:  Sister Act?

John:  Nope.

Jim:  Angels in the Outfield?

John:  Nope

Jim:  Boogie Nights?

John:  Nope.

Jim:  Sister Act 2?

John:  Boom!  Nailed it.  AH!  Christ, kid.  You scared the nipples off my chest.  Why are you still here?

Kid: I have cancer Mr. Harbaugh...and all I wanted was an au........


Jim: John...you cock for brains fucktard. You can only get cancer if you make out with him. You learn that in like......2nd grade.  But I know that temptation is gonna be tough to fight through, ya God damn queen!

/John signs a napkin for the kid with a disgusted look on his face.

John:  Alright, now fuckin beat it before you ruin my dinner you gross, gross, barfy mutant.
Jim:  Handled that perfectly.  Aces, chief.

/Waitress walks up to take the order

Jim:  Ummmmmm, weren't someones beefers supposed to be out?  Whatever.  I'll have 30 steaks shaped like huge tits.  Because that's what fuckin MEN eat.  And this little pussy over here will have your bitchiest salad.  With dicks on it.  As many dicks as you can find to pile on.  Make it real fuckin gay for him.  Because he's a complete faggot.  That will be all, whore.  Now make yourself useful and fetch my food.
whispers to John - They love it when you talk to them that way.

Well, shortly after the Harbaugh brothers were escorted off the premises.  What I learned that night is something that most of us probably already know.  The Harbaugh brothers are quickly become impossible to like.  They're loud, arrogant and starting to rival Rex Ryan's assholeness.  And that stings my heart as a Michigan fan.  But since Jim pretty much hates the Wolverines and essentially told us to cram a fist up our ass when offered the head coaching job...it's getting easier to dislike him by the day...especially after fake nights like these.  No real topic today.  Just a fake Harbaugh conversation I wanted to get off my chest that I think we all can appreciate.  Go nuts, kids.


Grumpy said...

Laugh out loud funny. Well done dickhead. I want to like John since he is a Miamian and I watched him play, but he makes it impossible. First, he coaches our biggest rival and secondly he's a whiny little bitch.

The Iceman said...

I felt like I had to do something like this. After Jim almost ripped Schwartz' arm off post game last year and John's bitchfest about the Pats championships, I've kinda had enough. Yeah...those guys can coach but they are fucking babies.

John has a murderer on his team. He shouldn't be talking legalities and taintiness of anything. And fucking win something first before you start opening your trap about shit that doesn't even concern you. We already have one Rex Ryan. We sure as shit don't need more.

Eb said...

Iceman, you aint right! Funny shit right there.

GMoney said...

Oh man, solid offering. I can't wait for the next episode of The HarBRAHS.

I agree with John though that there are huge TAINTS on the Pats titles. There has to be. They haven't won another one since Mangini narc'ed.

Fun Fact: John Harbaugh will be in Oxford for a coaches clinic (I think) on June 1st. Every attendee gets a complimentary dick salad.

Grumpy said...

I saw that John will be in Oxford. Thinking about showing up in Steelers gear and just sitting quietly in his line of sight.

Anonymous said...

Well done Iceman. The only suggestion I would make for the next installment is that I would have liked to have heard them call their relative Tom Crean....since he's such a fucking asshole and related to them now.


The Iceman said...

Good God, Drew. Wonderful suggestion. That will definitely have to get entered into the HarBRAH series. I love the name suggestion by G$ as well. I fully believe this group could take over the world when we work together. We're like the fat, vulgar, semi-retarded version of the Avengers.

Granted the Pats haven't won the Super Bowl since Mangina went Benedict Arnold on the Hoodie, but they've been there twice. OBVZ the spy gate thing wasn't as huge of an advantage as everyone is saying it is. They still have to play the game. I side with Heartattack Bruschi on this one. Those titles aren't any less legit than the Steelers two recent titles vs. bottom feeder NFC teams. (Seahawks and Cards...OUCH!)

Anonymous said...

Sweet on the Crean Pie addition!

I think it's somewhere in the middle as for spy-gate. Bruschi definitely needs to be less butt-hurt about it. Don't tell me it provided them nothing, because what was the point of doing it then? I do agree those teams and that organization are ELITE though and would still have one or two ships.

ET and teh Sixers gonna knock out the Bulls tonight. LOLZ. Love it.


GMoney said...

My guess is that Crean isn't welcome at Fridays. He eats nothing but Applebee's riblets. But he would be a fantastic addition. You just know that the BRAHs would treat him like a cum dumpster.

I agree that the Pats have always been smart and probably would have won a title or two anyway, but that doesn't mean that I can't put a huge asterisk after their three titles anyway. Tom Brady wouldn't have been SHIT if he didn't know the defensive plays beforehand! FACT???

And I hate Bruschi. At least TRY to be impartial...that is your job after all.

Prime99 said...

Every time Iceman dodges the NBA playoffs, a former football player kills himself.

That was funny shit though.

The Sixers aren't beating the Bulls- they are beating the shadow of what used to be the Bulls. So disappointing.

Anonymous said...

Can we now officially take Tom Brady off the ELITE list?


GMoney said...

Fun fact: I actually know TWO people that drove a Fiero in high school. Believe it or not, both of them are still alive and one is an off and on commenter on this very site

Fun fact debunker: The Fiero driver that you think comments here sometimes is not the former driver of said automobile. But the other is TOTES HASTINGS!

Grumpy said...

Damn, I already had Dut figured as Fiero guy.

The Iceman said...

/crosses his fingers that Hines Ward is next to off himself as a result of Prime's new theory.

Everyone hates Tom Brady. That's what it boils down to with the asterisks.

It's really unfortunate what's happening to the Bulls. Outside of Boozer, that's a pretty likeable team. I don't remember the last time a team was hit that hard with injuries. But part of me is glad because I realized Sunday that I really fucking hate Carlos Boozer. He's one of those guys that seems like he has to open his mouth as wide as it will possibly go when doing anything. Talking, eating cereal, chewing, yawning...you get the idea.

The Iceman said...

Rex doesn't comment on this site? I swear I've seen him on here before. Unless it's a sibling. In that case, I stand corrected.

It was a shame that Fiero never blew up while Hastings was in it. That would have been a perfect way for him to go out. In a blaze of glory...wearing his Brian Bosworth cutoff tshirt...with a curl bar riding shotgun.

The Iceman said...

Grumpy, we can start a G$ type rumor that Dut drives a Fiero if that makes you feel better. At minimum we can probably save a bunch of girls from acciddentally sleeping with him.

Anonymous said...

I feel like we need a basketball topic soon. The Memphis/Clippers series has been 4 amazing games. The second round of the Western Conference could be the most exciting round of basketball in recent history. And kudos for Melo for drawing out the Miami series and making Lebron presumably less clutch down the line.


GMoney said...

It's really unfortunate what's happening to the Bulls. Outside of Boozer, that's a pretty likeable team.

So what you're saying is that you enjoy watching Joakim Noah make lucky 15 footers and then run down the court putting his finga-guns into imaginary holsters like he is some sort of Buford "Mad Dog" Tannen? You would like that.

-Rex is the younger BRAH of said Fiero driver and is the occasional commenter. But I believe that both are daily readers because they respect my writing and kicking skills. I hope that that cleared things up.

Dut is all about the 'stang!

Anonymous said...

Ide I'm with you on that Grizz/Clips series. Funny how last year Z-Bo was the man...thsi year it seems like he's actually limiting them and they should play small ball around Gasol. Conley is putting up sick numbers this series against CP3, but it looks like the Clipps will bounce them. It's definitely going at least 6 though.


Anonymous said...

Actually, the younger Rex drove the Fiero for a brief period. So, technically, you are correct, Iceman.

-Lil' Strut

Brady said...

Excellent post! Just what I needed after a stressful 3 days in and out of hospitals.

I always thought this is how the Harbaugh's talked to eachother and now I have the proof.

The Iceman said...

"So what you're saying is that you enjoy watching Joakim Noah make lucky 15 footers and then run down the court putting his finga-guns into imaginary holsters like he is some sort of Buford "Mad Dog" Tannen? You would like that."

That's EXACTLY what I'm saying. I've always like Noah. I don't know why. Maybe I just respect how hard he plays the game. I like Noah for the same reason you like pube-fro Varejao.

Sounds like the Fiero is a Rex family heir loom. Thanks for the info, LS.

What makes the Clips/Grizz series so good is that they seem to genuinely hate each other.

The Iceman said...

The Lakers should really think about putting a gag order on Artest. Every time he opens his mouth something incredibly stupid comes out.

Anonymous said...

I think any team that plays against the Clippers will most likely hate them for two reasons....

1.) Blake Griffin - He seems like a real nice guy, but opponents HATE the stares he gives after his dunks. I think they also hate how hard he plays.

2.) Chris Paul -- He's probably # 2 to Kobe in the "Most Competitive Player in the NBA Power Rankings". He doesn't give a single fuck about being friends with anybody he's facing a playoff matchup. He's the leader of that team and it rubs off on the rest.


Brady said...

No Indians chatter today? All NBA playoffs? Sigh....

I actually watched the last 5 min + overtime of that Rangers game last night. That shit was crazy. If I had any NHL team to identify with, I would be on board with the playoffs. Since there aren't I will continue to watch May baseball with a vengeance.

The Iceman said...

You left out how they hate having to smell his nuts every time he dunks, Drew...which is about every 45 seconds.

The Iceman said...

Brady...it's May. People don't pretend to start caring about baseball until around late July/early August. You know...when the Indians have officially been eliminated from playoff contention.

Brady said...

Fuck off brah! The tribe is playing lights out right now. Sure I'm probably setting myself up for a big letdown but I can't help it. I'm fully addicted already.

/slaps forearm and looks for dinosaur

GMoney said...

I was actually planning to write about the Tribe for tomorrow. Did you just ruin it though? Maybe because you are more homo than Tom Hamilton.

I have not watched one minute of the Grizz and Clips because I am an old man and those games are played way too late for me.

RIP Baron Davis being able to walk again

Brady said...

Say what you will about me but leave Hammy out of it. That's a future HOF announcer right there. I will often find shit to do outside during Tribe games just so I can listen to him call it.

I'm surprised Baron's leg is even still attached. I think he tore every possible ligament in his knee. That replay was gruesome.

Anonymous said...

I hope that I never become a pussy like G$ and can continue to stay up late at night to watch cool things.


GMoney said...

I don't recommend it either. But anything involving Vinny Del Negro is hardly cool.