Monday, May 21, 2012

Going Out Like He Should

With the Yankees playing the Reds this past weekend, I was fortunate enough to spend the past three days with the Reds TV and radio broadcast teams.  I'll tell you what, they do it right.  They aren't blind and blatant homers like that cum-gurgling asshole that does radio for the Tribe or the buttfuckers that the Yankees have.  Marty and Thom and Brantley and George Grande and Chris Welsh are all ELITE.  I should really watch more Reds games just because of how they call games.  It really made it easier to accept losing two out of three to an inferior team (something that has happened way too much this season).  There are quite a few baseball topics that I want to cover today actually.  Let's go to Loserville first.

Kerry Wood retired - It really is unfortunate that Kid K's body did not live up to what he should have been as a pitcher.  I always liked Kerry and the two months that he pitched in New York, he was terrific.  Then last week, we heard that he was going to retire at the age of 34 after his next pitching opportunity.  He got that shot on Friday afternoon against the White Sox and it was just terrific.  Wood came in, faced on batter, struck him out, and then got pulled.  Cubs fans are a pretty stupid bunch but they owned that moment and gave one of their own the send-off that he deserved.  If you didn't get chills watching Wood walk off of the field for the last time then you don't get sports.  I'm willing to bet that Prime and Reba were on the verge of tears.  That was awesome.  To me, Kerry Wood's march from the mound to the dugout was THE moment of the baseball season.

The Yankees are fucking garbage - This team is going nowhere.  I have already come to grips with it.  Sure, they have been destroyed by injuries this year more than any other team, but that is hardly a viable excuse with the talent still on the roster.  It would be a different story if they were blowing save after save, but they aren't.  The problem is the offense and the fact that the entire team is anti-Jack Hannahan's.  It seems like every fucking game they go 1-10 with RISP.  That is very annoying.  Russell Martin sucks the fattest Canuck cock on the planet.  Nice contract year, jerk, way to make me forget about Jesus Montero.  You know who doesn't get the scorn that he so rightly deserves?  Mark fucking Teixeira who is God fucking awful and is just getting worse every year.  I can't wait for his albatross of a contract to end in four more long years.

Justin Verlander blows - What kind of cunt can't even no-hit the Pirates!  I sent that text to Drew after Jabba The Shortstop couldn't crawl after a ball that any other SS could reach with ease.  His reply back to me was that Verlander is on pace to have more no-hitters than Nolan Ryan...NBD!  Talk about a meaningless and stupid fucking stat!  Way to go Drew, you SO DUMB.  You know what?  I'm on pace to have as many perfect games as Roger Clemens, Greg Maddux, and Terry Schaivo.  True story!  Speaking of the Tigers, I don't get this team at all.  How are they still under .500?  I guess it's harder than you thought it would be to out-slug the opponent when you have poor defense and garbage starting pitching outside of the top 2.  I like to think that Brandon Inge tattooed a curse against his former team on his forearms after they cut him.

Chris Perez is not smart - Obviously, no one who works for the Indians can be pleased with the lack of support from their terrible fans, but it's probably not the best move to publicly call them out like the moron closer for the team did on Saturday.  He said something to the effect that poor fan support is why players don't want to play in Believeland.  No, Stupid Rage, people don't want to play in The Cleve for the same reason that has stood the test of time...the Rust Belt kind of sucks.  I highly doubt that Perez's blunt honesty is going to light up the turnstiles.  Way to piss of the few people that even know who you are, Chris.  By the way, fans have every right to boo the home team if said home team is playing like shit or Freddy Garcia can't get out of the 2nd inning for the 6th start in a row.

Aroldis Chapman is as good at pitching as Tyler Hansbrough is at traveling - This weekend was pretty much the first time that I've been able to focus on this guy and he so sick.  SO SICK.

Curt Schilling is broke - 38 Pitches needed the government's help to make payroll this month.  This makes me laugh because I hate Fake Blood and that he was probably against bail outs.  I guess it's OK when violent video games get saved but not the automotive industry.

Francisco Cervelli is my homeboy - Remember last summer when I went to a Clippers game and met The Million Dollar Man?  Of course you do, that is a legend that will never be forgotten.  Well, I made my trip back to Huntington Park on Saturday as the Clippers did battle with The Empire State Yankees (formerly Scranton but the field in eastern PA is being renovated this year thus the AAA Yanks are playing a nomadic schedule this year which has to suck).  They only had standing room tickets available but that was fine (it WAS Star Wars Night after all!).  I got to see Matt LaPorta hit an opposite field bomb and Jack Cust hit a dong that went out of the damn stadium.  We moved down to seats about 5-6 rows up from the on deck circle in the 8th.  I was drunk at the time so I made it my mission to get Cervelli to acknowledge me from the stands.  Frankie's single in the 9th ended up being the game-winning RBI and when he was running out to take the field in the bottom of the 9th, I made my move.  I stood up proudly showcasing me "ELITE" t-shirt and bellowed "FRANCISCOOOOOOOOOO!!!" as loud as I could while pointing at him.  Cervelli saw me and gave me a few quick (but noticeable) positive head nods!  Damman can confirm!  I think that the people sitting around us, who were aware of my objective due to my traditional loud drunk talking, were very proud of my accomplishment.  I am now best buds with a World Series winning backup catcher (at least I think he has a ring)!  AAA Baseball...there is not a better entertainment bang for your buck.

How many of you can say that you lived out your dream that you had for 12 minutes before achieving it?  I CAN!!!  Plenty of talking points today, let's get after it.  But if none of these float your proverbial boat, my guess is that if Big Brother wants me, I will find out this week.  I'm starting to get nervous.  No, not about whether they want me or not but more because I asked Andy K to draft my DFL team if I am in LA for a few months.  Terrifying.


Anonymous said...

Guess this early week baseball talk scared off Grumpy.

I didn't give a shit about the Kerry Wood thing not because I don't "get" sports. It's because baseball continues to be a terrible sport to watch/care about. Plus that pussy has a girl name.

GMoney said...

Girl's name or not, it was a cool moment and unfortunate that someone that good was made out of glass and toilet paper.

Anonymous said...

Let's do this....

*Nice moment for Kerry Wood. Definitely not "THE" moment of the season. Come on son.

*The Yankees are full of homosexuals.

*Justin Verlander does not blow. In fact he's the best pitcher in the world and one of the best of our lifetimes....and he's a Detroit Tiger. Love it.

*Chris Perez is smart. I like that he did that. The Indians have like 454 fans that show up to games. I bet those 454 liked that he called out the rest of the city to join them. I also dig how he emphasized that they were dead last in attendance...not 24th or so...dead last.

*Aroldis Chapman is indeed very sick at pitching baseballs....just not as sick as Justin Verlander.

*I've tried to like Curt Schilling because of how much Yankees fans hate him...and that is a cool thing he has going for him. But, he really is just a huge douchebag.

*Not gonna lie....a little jelly of you that you got to see a Jack Cust moon shot.

Two NBA thoughts....

*LBJ was a fucking beast yesterday. What a stat line.

*Spurs are scary good right now. Thunder/Spurs is gonna be something.


Anonymous said...

Careful Drew. We dont want to turn this into another Lebron James debate.

I'm not buying the Spurs right now. Crazy, I know. But I'm not overly impressed with destroying a team with so many injury issues, playoffs or not. I think the Thunder handle the Spurs easier than people may think. Let's see what happens when all their old fucks need to start playing more than 28 minutes a night.

Anonymous said...

The Cervelli head nod was barely noticable, but he did make the gesture in acknowledgement of G$'s screaming. I have no doubt that if we were in those seats the entire game we would have been ejected from the park. The people in the row in front of us were clearly not pleased with our 2 innings work. The Cust bomb was fucking sweet.

I applaud Chris Perez. He speaks the truth. It may not have been the smartest thing to do, but I like when athletes say what's on their mind. The free agent thing might have been a stretch, but everything else was dead on correct.


GMoney said...

I'm all for dumb athletes talking into open mics at all times. That's what makes Ron Artest great.

I have no idea what Ice is writing about tomorrow so I'm going to hold onto my NBA thoughts. Except for this one: WHO PICKED A SPURS SWEEP? THIS GUY!

The season is 7 weeks old...Wood's exit was my favorite moment. Deal with it.

I forgot to mention that there was some dumbass at the Clips game wearing a Ryan Garko CUT-OFF t-shirt. That's class, baby!

Prime99 said...

Woody's exit was my favorite moment of the season as well. I wish the Cubs would've then had enough pride to not get swept by their crosstown rivals... Lame.

G$, are the Orioles for real? That has been a fun story but I haven't seen them play enough to know if this is sustainable.

Anonymous said...

Prime it's not sustainable. They fucking employ Chris Davis and Wilson Betemit every day. Also, Adam Jones is on pace for 55 home, yeah....he's due for a massive fall back to reality soon.


GMoney said...

Q. Are the Orioles fo real?
A. Their ace is Jason Hammel. You tell me. I'd rather have Jason Hadsell.

Mr. Ace said...

I have watched zero baseball this year and it will likely stay that way until the NBA playoffs are over.

Trayvon's Hoodie is tied for second in the fantasy baseball league, though. I guess I am just a natural.

I will also hold off on my comments about the NBA, other than LOLZ ICEMAN regarding the Spurs.

I went back to Naptown this weekend. I swear that place gets shittier every time I go back. Sad.

Anonymous said...

Well played, Ape. You handed me my first loss in six weeks. But now I get a bye week playing G$. Look for that good work to be wiped away.


GMoney said...

I assume that Dut murdered Fleshjack Cust just like everyone else does. I have not won yet but I am GUARANTEEING a win over Ide this week. Lock it up! I'm in his head after the PayPal fiasco which has still not been rectified.

Speaking of Cust, his homer on Saturday was hilarious. As soon as he made contact, it was like the whole stadium collectively said "HOLY SHIT". I think it landed in German Village. It was freaking ridiculous.

Funny story from the game, it was my turn to get beers and I saw 24 oz cans of Yuengling and thus ordered them. Instead of the big cans, he poured them into plastic cups. I asked why and he said:

"Because you would probably end up throwing them onto the field"

I had never seen this guy before but I respected his foresight into what I am capable of. Well played, minor league beer vendor.

Anonymous said...

You can LOLZ me all you want, Ace. But you cannot deny the Spurs have played some pretty weak competition to date. To think they'll breeze through a team like OKC is just being a complete homer.

Anonymous said...

Id bet ribs on that foolishness if it didnt result in the two of us sharing a meal alone.


Brady said...

-Bite your fucking tounge on the Tom Hamilton bash G$. He is a no doubt HOF'er. I absolutely LOVE listening to Tribe games on the radio. It definitely beats having to listen tom Underwood on TV. That guy is a douche.

-Kerry Wood was a decent guy but I still haven't forgiven him for blowing an Indians win for me on my only trip to Wrigley a couple summers ago.

-Verlander is a monster. I did LOL when he gave up that hit though. I can't wait for the Tribe/Tigers series that starts tomorrow. I want 2 out of 3 really bad.

-Fuck the Yankees.

Prime99 said...

Do you hear that Woody? You owe Brady a personal apology! What about Brady?!

So the Rays have to be the AL East favorites?

Anonymous said...

Thrones time.

New girls tits definitely made that show. Next two episodes look to be total chaos and Im totally fine with that. Theon being called a cunt 15 times by his sister was also a highlight. I would pay top dollar to see Joffrey square off against Stannis.


Eb said...

Thrones - Seams to moving at snails pace. I keep waiting for a really great epsiode where shit goes down....but it hasnt happened this season.

G$ - I caught your Terry Schaivo refference - Sick Fuck. Verlander is a stud.

Kerry Wood - I just don't care.

Curt Schilling - I could have thought of some better ways to blow 30 million. Go Hang with Mayweather or pac man at the club for a night, join some eastern european elite hunting club, buy some sharks and put laserbeams on their heads....but dont sink it in a video game that has a niche marketability.

Did anyone see the Stephen A Smith impression on SNL? I saw it on sports center actually with a side by side of the Real SAS. It was pretty cool.

Prime99 said...

That was a boring episode, but they needed a setup before the craziness that should follow. Daeny without Drogo is awful and boring (and with a lack of tits.)

Anonymous said...

Brady...will you be live tweeting the Tigers/Indians series?

No Grumpy today....hope he's alive.


Anonymous said...

I absolutely LOVE listening to Tribe games on the radio.

-because you're an Indians fan. If Hamilton is even half as annoying as Fred McLeod and Austin Carr I can understand why normal people wouldn't enjoy listening.

/makes a gurgling Austin Carr noise.

Brady said...

-I will be all over Twitter for Indians/Tigers. I'm sure I will have any number of awesome observations. Tune in!

-I think Kerry Wood does owe me a personal apology. I had a great morning and 8 innings drinking at Wrigley before he ruined my day. I don't forget easily Kerry. I'll be waiting by the phone.

-Hamilton is awesome. His HR calls aren't matched by anyone and he is a total dick. If the umps, other team or the tribe do something stupid you're going to hear about it. Hamilton is tits.

GMoney said...

The Reds announcers are true pros. You know who they work for but they don't come off as homers at all. The same can not be said for Tom Donkeyfucker.

Brady just single-handedly described why Twitter is not for me.

Thrones was weak last night outside of sexy nurse ass. The North continues to be an awful storyline probably because the writers refuse to add a "hard d sound" to the end of Jon Snow's name. That small change would make a world's difference.

Any attack on Austin Carr is an attack on me. Prepare for war. My weapon of choice is HAM-MAS!!!

GMoney said...

I'm not in the business of promoting other people's work, but Grump TOTES used the n-word today in his daily post about being an old fucker. I absolutely recommend it.

Anonymous said...

"Brady just single-handedly described why Twitter is not for me."

For every Brady there are the guys from KSK and a guy I follow with the Twitter handle @dadboner. You just have to know who to follow.

Brady said...

@dadboner has lost some of it's cache now that Drew Magary outed who was behind the feed. I still laugh at the posts though. Nothing but talk about Arby's, KFC, BM's and drinking heavily.

I like listening to somebody who is clearly rooting for my team. Hamilton calls a good game but there is no question he loves the Tribe. That's the way I want to listen to baseball. Slightly biased with a hint of dickhead. Hamilton nails it.

Anonymous said...

Iron Sheik is my favorite twitter follow.

Two back to back gems from him yesterday during the Heat game...

"Lebanon James have the rice crispy dick"

Followed immediately by...

"brown rice crispy dick"


Anonymous said...

Brady is correct. Hammy is a homer, no doubt. But he will also call out the Indians if the are playing like shit or one of the players do something stupid. Which is what all good fans do. He projects exactly what the fans would say or think. That's why I love him.


Anonymous said...

I didn't hear who was behind the @dadboner feed. Enlighten me.

GMoney said...

I have had heard many excellent things about The Iron Shiek's Twitter skills. Rice crispy dick does nothing but strengthen my belief.

Prime99 said...

If you want neutral announcing I recommend Hawk Harrellson.

Brady said...

For Jared: