While G$ is off shafting himself over the (most likely) Heat loss, I'll be filling in and delivering yet another ELITE post about awesome shit. After being reminded the other day of being forced to reschedule a fantasy football draft because of homo softball men's leagues, I started thinking. It's been quite some time since we've talked fantasy football here. And since I'm as degenerate as they come when wagering hard earned money on the performance of football players....
We all know Matthew Berry is a total cock sucker. He pretends to be this all knowing Buddha but usually ends up fucking over countless people with his terrible predictions and misplaced love for shitheads like BenJarvis Green-Ellis. But despite Berry's complete faggotry, he actually serves a purpose...well, two purposes. I get to point and laugh as Tim Hasselsnatch makes Berry look like a fucking idiot. And Since Berry hasn't seen the inside of a pussy in about 20 years, I get waaaaaaay too early fantasy football rankings. Which I love. So let's review some of Berry's more interesting thoughts today. Check that...these are actually Christopher Harris' rankings. I take nothing back about Berry. He's still a clam and I'm sure gave his turdy input with these rankings. Onward.
-Of course Arian Foster would have to be ranked first overall. After my bold prediction went off like a Works Bomb inside my tender colon last year, Foster continues to be one of those players that revenge fucks me on the fantasy gridiron. As long as he stays healthy I guess I can't argue with this...although I prefer to take a QB with my first pick
-You know what?! Fuck it...I will argue with it. Quarterbacks get ranked way too low on these sheets and on draft day. The ELITE quarterbacks score more fantasy points than the ELITE running backs do. In one of the standard scoring leagues (that didn't utilize bonus points) I was in last year, the top 10 at the end of the year were all QBs. I would take Rodgers, Brees, Brady and Stafford before even thinking about RB.
-Gaaah. MJD in the top 10? I know he had a fuckin monster of a season, but the guy is turning the dreaded 30 this year. Not to mention if he were a female porn star and NFL carries equaled penises fucked, his pussy would be a hollowed out cavern 6 inches in diameter. What I'm saying is that I wouldn't wager my fantasy season on his abused ham wallet.
-I know Drew's gonna kill me for this, and I know Megatron was a beast last year and I know that despite his chubby dude beefers Matt Stafford seems to be turning into an ELITE quarterback...but I cannot talk myself into drafting a WR first round. No fucking way. It's just too risky.
-Adrian Peterson is currently ranked at 57. Call me crazy, but I think AP will be ready to go sooner than the "experts" do. I know it was an ACL tear, but Welker had the same injuries a couple years ago and tore his later in the season if my memory isn't betraying me. So if Welker can come back in 6 months, so can AP.
-Ryan Mathews in the top 20, eh? The guy in your league who drafts Mathews will not make the playoffs. I will not bet a MoneyShot rib dinner on that.
-There is an interesting situation abreast in Chicago. Forte is currently in the top 20 but if he holds out (AS HE FUCKING SHOULD!) would I be crazy to suggest Michael Bush take his place at 17? I don't know...is it crazy to fart on your own hand and then smell it to see if what you roasted transfers to your bare skin? Think about that...
-All Dallas running backs can fuck themselves with a tire iron. DeMarco Murray in the top 20 makes me hoarse with laughter. I think Jerruh Jones puts estrogen in all of the Gatorade bottles. Wasn't Julius Jones the last Dallas RB who played a full season? Then he killed himself, right? What's that? Still alive?? Well...that sure is disappointing.
-It's amazing what the fetus head of Peyton Manning can accomplish. It was able to get Demaryius Thomas in the top 40. That's almost as hilarious as a Mike Shanahan RB ranked in the top 40 (Helu at 34). Have you people learned NOTHING?!?!
-This list came out before the draft and Trent Richardson is the only rookie on it. This tells me two things. First, he's going to be a long dicked stud fucking everything in his path. And two, even with no team at the time he was still ranked higher than the only Cleveland Brown on this list (Hardesty at 95). That should tell you about how sweet of a season Browns fans have to look forward to...as I crush my balls in the refrigerator door thinking about it.
-The Ben raped his way into the top 100. Nothing real important to note. Just wanted to bring up the fact The Ben got away with rape and that his face is fatter than both of Paul Pierce's lard tits smushed together in the most disgusting way imaginable.
That's 11 *recounts them quickly* talking points for you dingleberries today. I tried hitting everyone's favorite team and purposely left out the Eagles since none of us know if Mr. Ace is still alive or not. I'm gonna say that we probably don't really care a whole lot either. I think we would all search for that box of mac and cheese we swear is in the pantry longer than we would for Mr. Ace if word broke he was missing. Just kidding buddy...kind of.