Thursday, May 10, 2012

The Fair Price For A Crackhead

Retro Bill is also a board member at Second Mile
I freely admit that I’ve never really bought into the Texas Rangers. Even after two straight AL pennants, I still don’t give them the credit that they’ve earned and deserve. It’s hard for me to buy into these guys with their seemingly average starting pitching. But, you know, they all throw a million MPH and it isn’t like pitching is their forte anyway. The fact is that that offense can not be stopped. Oh, you may catch them on an off series here and there, but for the most part these guys just mash and mash and mash, do a couple lines of Ritalin and coke, and then mash some fucking more. I don’t know exactly what changed but I can officially now say that I have bought into the Rangers. They are really fucking good. Where am I going with this again?

Oh yes, here. The other night, known slugger and DARE program failure, Josh Hamilton, launched 4 dongs and a double against the O’s at Camden Yards. He set the non-Jewish record for total bases in a game (Shawn Green had 19…which is unreal). Hamilton is, without question, one of the five best players in the game today. Hell, he might be #2 (Matt Kemp has a stranglehold on #1). But he is a great baseball player. Not good—GREAT. One story that is about to blow up (and already has to some extent) is that Hamilton is a free agent at season’s end. So I want to spend today trying to answer the question of “What is Josh Hamilton’s price?”

If you were just looking at the man as an on-field product, he is a lock for an 8 year/160 million contract and that might even be on the cheap. We all know about his demons though and that shit can not be ignored. Plus, he does tend to get hurt a lot. At this point, I would like to reference THIS POST that I wrote years ago where I wrote Hamilton’s autobiography for him. Dut believed every word of that post and even quoted it as fact to others. He only learned that it was a lie less than a year ago. Hilarious. What an idiot.

Anyway, no sane management team is going to give Josh Hamilton an 8 year contract and close to 200 million dollars. That would just be foolish. So what is he worth? First things first, he isn’t going anywhere. Texas has the money to pay him and he has re-built his life in Arlington with a support staff to keep him clean (sort of…Ian Kinsler really sucks at this). He isn’t going to the highest bidder and reshuffling the deck which is his life. That would be a disaster. So there has to be some common ground here for both parties. They both seem aware of the issues at hand and Hamilton seems like a guy that understands the lyrics of the inferior-to-2Pac Biggie Smalls that “Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems”.

If I’m Hamilton’s agent, I ask for 7 years and 140 million knowing that I will never get anything close to that. If I’m the Rangers, I counter with 4 years and 60 million knowing that there is only a slim chance that this lowball effort will even be considered. In the end, I think that a deal can be made for 4 years and 75-80 million (maybe with a couple of years of team options added on at 20-22 mill per year) with some fairly heavy morality clauses thrown in that can void the deal. That seems pretty fair to me and sort of meets in the middle (basically, if all went well, Hamilton could net 125 million over 6 years). The superstar gets paid and the team gets some protection. I just don’t see how these two parties can divorce at this stage. Both need each other like I need another bottle of fleshlight lube.

Also something that I want to address today: Cole Hamels is a fucking pussy who is in desperate need of a NATITUDE adjustment. DURR I hit Bryce Harper on purpose to welcome him to the bigs. That is so stupid. Hamels is about the least “old school” guy out there since he married a reality TV star (although Heidi from Survivor is insanely hot) and looks like a total gash. I’m not saying that Harper shouldn’t be getting plunked because he looks and seems like a total doucher, but Hamels is not someone that should be playing the role of “baseball history tough guy”. His name is COLE! Have you ever met a tough guy named Cole? I’ll answer that for you—No, you have not met a Cole that was a tough guy. Although maybe he is attempting to institute some sort of rogue pitching task force known as “Hamels 2 Halladay: Bizarre Mound Justice”?

And Albert Pujols sucks dick!

More baseball today! Yay for Brady! Boo for the old farts! Fuck, I’ve got that cheesy synth-rock DARE song stuck in my head now. DARE! To keep a kid off drugs!

31 comments:

Grumpy said...

Just say no.

Anonymous said...

I was actually discussing this same topic with someone yesterday...so great idea!

I think I'd offer him a 3 for 90 or 4 for 100 contract and tell him take it or leave it. Like you said...not only does he have the drug issues...but, he's always getting hurt. Yeah, some team is probably willing to dominate those offers...but, I think he'd also be pretty scared to leave and I would tell him that of course if he stays clean then we'll do another contract when it's up.

Hamels is indeed a doucher...also an idiot.

--Drew

GMoney said...

My linking skills were lacking. When I wrote THIS POST, I meant to put in THIS LINK:

http://gmoneysack.blogspot.com/2007/05/quit-calling-me-steve-howe.html

25-30 million per year! That's insanity. I was thinking about this actually...who was the last big time free agent type to sign a deal that YUGE and then follow that up with a title? Other than CC, I couldn't really think of anyone (although I could be wrong).

Prime99 said...

Money may be the cure for Magic Johnson's AIDS, but it also seems to make baseball players suck fat cock.

Amazing that Tyrone Biggums is he proper manager to help keep Hamilton clean...

4 years $85 million, unlimited ginger ale, and two or three one year club options at $25 million seems about right to me.

Anonymous said...

ICEMAN or APE....I'm going to be in downtown Toledo tomorrow night. I need a decent dinner recommendation and a couple decent bar recommendations. I know the place is a shit-hole...but, there has to be something. Please help.

--Drew

GMoney said...

You're going to Toledo on purpose? Bold move. I'm sure that The Iceman will welcome you (like John Travolta welcomes masseurs) and whip you up a nice home-cooked meal.

I have a recommendation for you though: Scarlett's. It's the best strip club of all time. FACT!

Prime, that seems more like a contract offer for Brian LaHair but I like the way that you think. I see club option years being mandatory.

Anonymous said...

Yes...on purpose. I've got a wedding to go to in Holiday City, OH on Saturday. That city is in the middle of fucking nowhere and over 3 hours from Columbus. It's only about 45 minutes from Toledo. So, I told the girlfriend I'm not driving over three hours early on Saturday morning....we're going to Toledo for a night of vacation biatch! So, I got on Priceline and bid on the highest star level of hotel in downtown Toledo. Looked like this "Park Inn" was basically teh nicest one in downtown Toledo...on Orbitz the cheapest you could a night for it was like $ 140. I bid $ 55....DEAL! I knew nobody wants to stay in fucking Toledo.

So, we're gonna be there tomorrow night. I want to go out to dinner somewhere...hit up a bar or two...and then pass out. That's it.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Downtown Toledo huh? I remember going to some shitty diner called the Green Lantern that my dad used to go to all the time when he was a kid. That place was amazing. Perhaps better for breakfast the day of the wedding. Aside from that, I think Rudy's Hot Dogs is the nicest place in Toledo. I'll text my uncle and see if he can leave you a complimentary Fleshlight at one of his stores.

Ide

GMoney said...

No trip to Toledo is complete without a stop at Ide's Smut Shop. I'm a Tony Packo's fan myself because hot dog sauce is the ejaculate of God but I don't think that you are very close to that.

Holiday City is a suburb of Montpelier! You should have just went to Naptown. You're close enough. It's only a 30 minute drive to the wedding from us. AND you could have hit up RSB and treated yourself to a Whamburger. ELITE!

I just want to reiterate that everything about these John Travolta homo allegations is terrific. ANUS MASSAGES!!!

The Iceman said...

This is one of many reasons why baseball is shit. All these unwritten rules are for fucking queers. Its like a more homosexual version of The Skulls. Nice to know if I accidentally violate an unwritten rule I didn't know about then I'm getting fuckin beaned in the neck by a 2 seamer.

GMoney said...

That's the thing though, this is not an unwritten rule at all. I know them all and "plunking the rookie phenom" is not one of them. I think that Hamels must be writing his own unwritten rule book. It includes this and "Phillie Fanatic allowed to chow my wife once a month--no more, no less".

The Iceman said...

If you're downtown I would go for either Pizza Papalis or Tony Packos for food. If youre looking seafood, go to real seafood co at the docks. A little pricey but worth it. There's a BBQ joint called Shortys but thats about 20 minutes from downtown. Worth the drive if you love BBQ. And if you're hitting up Shortys get the mac and cheese and thank me.

Downtown bars I avoid because I dont like being in the 10% of white people that could be stabbed or shot. I usually go to bars like Bier stube, Star Bar, Frogtown Johnnies or Nick and Jimmys.

Anonymous said...

Pizza Papalis could work...pizza can do no wrong. Maybe Tony Packo's for an early lunch so that I can fart coney sauce throughout the wedding.

Iceman...I was told there are a decent couple of sports bars by the baseball stadium? Would I be in the 10% in those as well? There is no baseball game if that changes the demographic.

Also, I was told "Wesley's" is a fun bar?

I will investigate the ones you recommended.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Drew,

It depends on what you are looking for in Downtown Toledo. If you are looking for good food at a reasonable price that is downtown, I would go to PizzaPapalis. If you are looking to spend some money on a great steak, I would go to Rockwell's at the Oliver House. There is also the Maumee Bay Brewing Company where you can drink their custom brews and have typical brewing company food (flatbread pizza, pasta, burgers, etc...). There is also Table Forty 4, which seems like a nice restaurant, but I have never been there.

As far as bars go, I would consider the Blarney, which is right downtown and across the street from Pizza Papalis and Table Forty 4. All these places ar within walking distance of your hotel and eachother.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Also, did anyone see Mayor Coleman is trying to bring the NBA to Columbus?

http://www.dispatch.com/content/stories/sports/2012/05/10/downtown-double-team-coleman-seeks-nba-team-for-city.html

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Is the food at Maumee Bay good? That was my original plan, but Pizza Papalis is good too. Blarney...noted.

I did see that about the NBA team. I give it about a 2% chance of happening, but it's interesting nonetheless. The Hornets would have made sense, but the Kings are definitely headed for Anaheim or Vegas.

I don't think it's a good idea either.

--Drew

Brady said...

Drew coming to T-Town?! There are some decent bars by the stadium. The large Frickers that overlooks right field is pretty good. As long as you stay around the stadium, you won't end up looking down the barrel of a 9mm at the end of the night. Rudy's kicks the shit out of Packo's by the way. Their chilli dogs are ELITE! I often seriously consider making the 20 min drive north from BG to get them.

Josh Beckett missed a start because he was hurt and then went golfing that same day. That fucker has some brass balls. He is going to here it at Fenway tonight. Especially if the Tribe can light his ass up early.

I think G$ is right on the mark with the Hamilton numbers. He is definitely worth top end money but his past has to be taken into account. IN a perfect world, the Mets would offer him like half a billion. Then we could watch him fall off the wagon in NYC. That shit would be awesome. Like a real life soap opera.

Anonymous said...

I have never had the seafood at the Maumee Bay Brewing Co. Quite frankly, the only place I know of with good seafood in Toledo is the Mancy's Bluewater Grille, but that will require a drive and if you are going to do that you should just stay out in that area as the hotels and bars will also be better. The selection around the suburbs is much better than downtown. After 5 p.m., downtown Toledo is mostly a ghost town.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Mayor Coleman is a fucking idiot. There is about a zero percent chance that an NBA team is coming to Columbus. I like to think that his letter (how modern!) to Stern just said "I'LL SUCK YOUR DICK" over and over again.

Wait a minute--there is a BIER STUBE in Toledo??? How was I not aware of this?

If Hamilton signed with the Mets for 500 million, I would explode out of sheer joy.

Anonymous said...

G$,

I was shocked to find out there is a Bier Stube in Toledo, as well. However, although the name and even the font on the sign are similar, don't expect for it to replicate the nostalgic interior and aroma of urine of the original. Although I have heard nothing but good things about the place.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Strut...I didn't ask for seafood recommendations, but thank you nonetheless.

I looked at the Toledo Bier Stube web site. Bar has 30 different beers on tap....very different.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

I think if you stay within close proximity of the stadium you should be safe, Drew. Blarney is cool...I would probably check that place out. Another steakhouse you should consider is Mancy's. It's about 10 minutes from downtown but it's locally owned and been a Toledo staple for several years. I've been there several times and left with a boner every single time. My opinion is the local restaurants are always the best options.

Never heard of Wesleys, Drew. The food at Maumee Bay is decent, but the beers are pretty good. So what you sacrifice for food quality you make up for with the beer selection. The best option for great food and great beers is a place in Perrysburg called Swig. It's gonna be a little further of a drive from downtown Toledo but the experience is TOTES worth it. They have incredible pub food along with some local special food concoctions and the beer list is outstanding. They have a different list every day and when the keg is out, that's it. They erase it off the chalk board and you can't get it until the next keg gets shipped. Highly recommend that if you want to drive about 30 minutes.

Eb said...

Downtown Toledo

- Drinks at Blarney

- Oliver House - Unbelievable Steak (Coat and tie)
-Buckeye Brewing Company - The Current Recipe for Miller Lite is a Buckeye Brewing Company Product

I am not sure but I think the docks may be open again....Zia's is awesome. Its Italian.

If it is nice out try
El Camino Real
2500 W. Sylvania Ave.


Hamilton - I want this guy to do well! He has a great story, and he really seems humble.

How old is this guy?

I bet there will be some monster offers from some teams.

I also bet that Texas will count on him being comfortable there.

Grass isnt always greener, but I bet leaves!

Brady said...

"Nice to know if I accidentally violate an unwritten rule I didn't know about then I'm getting fuckin beaned in the neck by a 2 seamer."

Nobody "accidentally" violates an unwritten rule. They are fairly well known. Hammels just made up a rule and gloated about it afterwards. Harper got the best of it anyway when he stole home on his queer ass.

Brady said...

Totally agree with Iceman's suggestion of Swig. The place is small but the pub food is outstanding and they constantly change their beer list. I would like to be there right now.

GMoney said...

30 beers on tap? That's not MY Stube! They better at least have an ELITE jukebox and sell bottles of Schlitz and Stroh's.

GMoney said...

local special food concoctions

You're going to need to explain this. I've never heard of this food style known as Toledoese.

The Iceman said...

What I meant by that G$ is they have things on the menu I've never seen at any other restaurant before. Such as the duck reuben, beer cheese dip, Chocolate bacon covered sundae, etc. I'm assuming these are things they kinda made up to keep shit interesting. I could be wrong though.

GMoney said...

Sounds like that place was made for an asshole like Guy Fieri. Duck on a reuben? That pisses me off so much. There is NOTHING wrong with the regular reuben.

Anonymous said...

Yeah...fuck duck rebuen. Regular Reuben is delicious...although I usually do go without the thousand island.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

I think the Reuben sandwich is fucking gross any way so duck Reuben doesn't phase me. But you would be a silly bitch to not want to try the other two things I listed.