Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Cinematic Beauty

             "Just fingered your grandmother's rusty bullet hole.  Want a taste?"

If the NFL draft happened to be a wonderful, tasty hooker...at this point we have all violated every hole, killed her and stuffed her in the trunk of our car to dispose of at a secret location.  If you're Dut, reverse the killing and the fucking sequence and change the gender.  Today I've decided to take a step away from the sports spectrum and talk about a topic that often goes under the radar.  MOVIES MUTHERFUCKERS!

So on those days where we've been reduced to a big gooey ball of slop and worthlessness because of the dirty unprotected sex we had with alcohol the night before, there's always that moment where you use your fat, spongy fingers to grab the remote while praying something good is on the tube.  It takes every ounce of energy in your entire frame and you're amazed by how out of breath that simple task made you.  Because at that moment we've made the executive decision to be a complete fat fuck and not peel our lardy asses off the couch under any circumstance...outside of bathroom breaks and random trips to the fridge in search of that magic hangover cure in the form of food.

Some days we find ourselves reaching for the closest object that can open a vein while deciding between some failed Martin Lawrence movie that only black people find hilarious and the Pawn Stars reruns you've seen more times than your favorite porno.  Those are the days I wish I were fucking dead.  Nothing, I repeat NOTHING sucks more than being hungover with horse shit for television options.  But some days.  Some days we hit TV Mega Millions where every channel has something tits.  Yeah, it sucks having to choose but hey...give me those options over scenario A every fucking time.  So this, my friends, are the top 5 best movies on TV while slothing your life away.

5.  Batman Begins - With The Dark Knight Rises scheduled to be released this summer, the public (and my boner) have been going crazy.  TV producers usually aren't complete dipshits and it didn't take long for Batman Begins to start hitting the circuit again.  This movie was so important for this franchise.  It undouched and unfucked a decade of Batman embarrassment...unless you're G$ and love the Mr. Freeze character.  Now, I'm sure some of you will be complete faggots and argue that the Tim Burton directed Batman movies are better.  Fist yourself.  Christopher Nolan Batmans are flat out better.  DEAL WITH IT!

Lines that make it great:

Policeman: He's in a vehicle.  Dispatcher:  Make and model?  Policeman:  It's a black.......tank.

Ra's al Ghul:  Justice is balance. You burned my house and left me for dead. Consider us even.

Jim Gordon:  I never said thank you.  Batman:  And you'll never have to.

4.  Back to the Future (any of them) - Check this shit out.  My GF has never seen any of the BTTF movies.  NONE OF THEM!  What would you do?  Poop on her?  Tape her to the couch and prop her eyelids open for the entire trilogy?  Force her to live on the street?  Sprinkle butt hair in her food when she isn't looking?  I don't think any of these options are irrational for such a heinous crime.  Even though the 3rd installment was incredibly ridiculous and nearly unwatchable, there's just something about this trilogy that sucks me in and forces me to watch despite the shittiness of #3.

Lines that make it great:

Dr. Brown:  When this baby hits 88 MPH, you're gonna see some serious shit.

Biff Tannen:  What are you looking at, butthead?

George McFly:   Last night, Darth Vader came down from Planet Vulcan and told me that if I didn't take Lorraine out, that he'd melt my brain.

Dr. Brown:   Then tell me, future boy, who's President of the United States in 1985?
Marty McFly:  Ronald Reagan
Dr. Brown:  Ronald Reagan?!  The actor??

3.  Major League (1 or 2) - My theory is this movie is shown often to keep Indians fans from killing themselves.  If a make believe Indians teams with minor league castoffs and no name twat lickers can pull a team from the gutter then CERTAINLY it can happen in real life, right?  What makes this movie so awesome is the absolute horrific actors they casted attempting to look like real baseball players.  Watch Harris pitch the next time you see this movie.  I would be stunned if that fuckin moon ball breaks 60 mph.

Lines that make it great: (this is a movie line factory so I'll keep it brief)

Eddie Harris:  You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?

Lou Brown:   You may run like Hayes. but you hit like shit.

Harry Doyle:   That's all we got, one goddamn hit?

2. The Shawshank Redemption - I bet all you queers thought this was going to be number 1, didn't you?  Try again, fudge packers.  It was a close battle, but the fact that most of the hilarious lines are cut or horribly changed due to the vulgarity left me no choice to leave Shawshank at the 2 hole.  This film is best enjoyed on DVD but even with the best parts mutilated like Andy Dufresne's tender ringpiece, it's still a guaranteed watch every single time.  Seriously.  If you know someone who hates this movie, it's the same person where you question daily why you still punish yourself by hanging out with them.

Lines that make it great:

Captain Hadley:  If I hear so much as a mouse fart in here the rest of the night I swear by God and sonny Jesus you will all visit the infirmary. Every last motherfucker in here.

Captain Hadley:   You're gonna look real funny sucking my dick with no teeth.

Warden Norton:   Lord! It's a miracle! Man up and vanished like a fart in the wind

Warden Norton:   I'll pull you out of that one-bunk Hilton and cast you down with the Sodomites. You'll think you've been fucked by a train.

1.  Forrest Gump - A little bit of a sleeper at the top spot here.  Who doesn't love a story about a mentally retarded guy falling in love with a hippy, drugged out whore with AIDS who was repeated sexually molested by her father?  Because that's what she dies from in the end, isn't it?  AIDS?  That's what I always assumed.  This movie is boss because it follows Sergeant Lincoln Osiris' rule of never going full retard.  What gave this movie the edge over Shawshank was twofold.  First, the PG-13 rating means it goes almost untouched on TV.  That's huge for me.  I want the movie as original as possible.  Second, I don't think another movie out there has a better soundtrack.  Just fucking incredible from top to bottom.

Lines that make it great:

Lieutenant Dan: I'm here to try out my sea legs.  Forrest Gump: But you ain't got no legs, Lieutenant Dan.

Forrest Gump:   Oh, yes sir. Bit me right in the buttocks. They said it was a million dollar wound, but the army must keep that money 'cause I still haven't seen a nickel of that million dollars

Forrest Gump:   I'm sorry I ruined your New Year's Eve party, Lieutenant Dan. She tasted like cigarettes.

Bear Bryant:   That kid may be the stupidest son of a bitch I've ever seen, but he sure is fast!

There you have it.  This is what I pray for on days where I would rather die than move.  What are your favorite hung over activities/movies/TV shows?  My buddy Nick told me that he enjoys jerking it when he's super hung over...like 5 or 6 times.  There was a pretty awkward silence after he told me that.  But hey!  Do what you love, right?  Enjoy your day off from sports, sack shiners.


Grumpy said...

Housewives of Orange County. Love MILFS with big, fake tits.

Grumpy said...

5. The Magnificent Seven
4. The Usual Suspects
3. Behind Enemy Lines
2. Pulp Fiction
1. Hoosiers

GMoney said...

Hey Grumpy, hand me the keys, you cocksucker.

Mr. Freeze says CHILL OUT!

I've never seen Forrest Gump and don't plan to. I am against the glorification of the handicapped.

Considering that I was horribly hungover this past Sunday, my choices were flipping back and forth between and Diners, Drive-ins. and Dives marathon and Storage Wars. Those are about the two most mindless shows on TV.

Biff Tannen is the greatest character in the history of the world and his best quote is something like "I have your car towed all the way back here and all you've got for me is LITE beer?"

GMoney said...

Oh and I'm a sucker for horrible Nic Cage movies. Between Gone In 60 Seconds and Con Air, I've probably seen each about 50 times because I am a dumb person.

Mr. Ace said...

Sci Fi...or SyFy as they call it now. There is nothing better than shitty monster special effects and hot chicks who can't act for a hangover.

And the NFL, of course. Crashing on the couch during a no shower Sunday from 11am to 11pm is just tits. Tits.

Anonymous said...

"What would you do? Poop on her?"....that line got me good.

I don't really watch movies, so I don't have much to add to this topic. I do like Grumpy's "The Usual Suspects" recommendation though.

On a lazy afternoon after a big night I'm watching reality TV or sports.....with a couple breaks for some internet porn obviously.


Anonymous said...

Since I have HBO and Showtime, these problems rarely present themselves because of their on demand features.

Having not seen Forrest Gump is stupid. Retards or no.

Braveheart (always)
Major Leagues
Necessary Roughness (it picks its patches, but it usually overkills it 1 month out of the year)

Bonus* Speaking of Dark Knight Rises, the new preview came out last night according to facebook, and it gave me wood.


The Iceman said...

I'm willing to endure any "nerd" jeers or making fun of any kind...but I'll fucking be there at midnight the night that The Dark Knight Rises comes out. Its too bad this is the last one. They could have made at least 3 more bwfoew Christian Bale goes completely mental.

I had Showtime for about a year and the movie options on there were pretty terrible. Maybe they've stepped their game up, but it was pretty disappointing.

Biff Tannen might be the greatest character ever. Agree.

If you're a sucker for Nic Cage then you're in luck. Filing for bankruptcy means you'll get about 6 new Cage movies a year!

Prime99 said...

I agree with all of them except Forrest Gump. I've seen it. It's good. But there is zero chance I want to watch that movie after a night of drinking whiskey from a barrel drum.

Grumpy had some good suggestions. Here are a few more-

Pricess Bride
Lord of the Rings
The Rock

Overall, good topic, Ice.

Prime99 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
GMoney said...

Showtime has an atrocious movie selection but arguably better programming than HBO. I could make a good argument that Homeland alone is worth the monthly fee.

Drew is right. Internet porn cures all.

Maybe I'm just a closet Nazi or something, but if it's on TNT, I'm watching The Patriot.

Anonymous said...

Why would anyone go to a movie theatre at midnight to catch the first showing of a movie? That doesn't make any sense to me.


Anonymous said...

I can answer that one, as I already bought my ticket. I am a fan of instant gratification. I don't order fuckall from the internet when I can go to the store immediately and pick it up. I will be seeing it midnight so I won't have to see it the next day or the day after that.

That and you can bet your ass I will be here bright and early that Friday SPOILING it for you. Another bonus.


Grumpy said...

Homeland, Dexter and Shameless are worth the price of Showtime.

GMoney said...

Dexter? Notsomuch anymore. Once Lithgow died (SPOILER!!!), the show should have ended.

I wonder though, is Homeland the best show?

MUDawgfan said...

3. The Fugitive (Specifically Tommy Lee Jones' character is so awesome in this flick).

2. Tin Cup. Kevin Costner's movies are almost always shit, but Cheech Marin makes this movie funny and the US Open scenes during the last 30 minutes make it worth it.

1. Raiders of the Lost Ark and/or Indiana Jones and the Quest for the Holy Grail. Indiana Jones is my favorite movie character of all time and these movies are fucking awesome.

**Honorable Mention**

Ghostbusters (1 preferably)
Slapshot (rare to see this one anymore).

Anonymous said...

This is a show I have been meaning to watch. I will check it out asap. Dexter has indeed sucked since Rita died (focusing on the wrong death G$), but the end of this season at least sparked some interest.


The Iceman said...

Ide nailed it. I'm still recovering from Rita dying. I haven't been the same since.

Drew...when you've been waiting years for a movie to come out you want to see it the minute it comes out. Plus I don't want Ide to ruin it for me.

I've caught pieces of Homeland. Looks pretty tits and I may have to start watching it.

All you fuckin anuses that don't love Gump can suck me. That movie is the shit.

Prime, I've given Princess Bride multiple chances and it's fallen short every time. I really don't see the attraction.

GMoney said...

Hey, look, I've defended Julie Benz's hotness for years and agree that she should not have been killed off. It should have been Deb who is a terrible cop and actress and is built like a teenage boy. Deb is the worst. I hope that Dexter kills her this season.

Dawg, EXCELLENT call on The Fugitive. Tommy Lee Jones is so BOSS.
"I didn't kill my wife."
"I don't care."

Iceman, there are two reasons to watch and love The Princess Bride: Fred Savage (in a Bears jersey I believe) and Andre The Giant.

Prime99 said...

I second the Andre the Giant/Fred Savage analysis, G$. Also, Inigo Montoya searching for the six fingered man that killed his father is also classic.

Dexter's last season was pretty bad. That said, I'm hoping the cliffhanger from the finale helps turn the series around- and helps Deb get shanked.

The Iceman said...

For as big of a slutty whore Deb is, I'm shocked we've never seen her naked in that show. Not saying that I want to because it's probably the same as looking at Gordon Hayward in the buff...just saying that it's surprising. Normally shows like that don't hesitate to show the whore character naked.

GMoney said...

I have absolutely zero desire to see Jennifer Carpenter nude. I'd rather watch Masuka and Batista fuck each other.

Prime99 said...

LOLZ, G$. Sadly, I think I agree with you

Anonymous said...

Whenever I'm not watching the National Football League, nothing can top a viewing of American History X.


Mr. Ace said...

Kate Upton doing the cat daddy in a bikini? Yes, please.


Mr. Ace said...

American History X...GREAT FUCKING CALL