Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The Best Mail-In Post You've Ever Read

                I Google'ed "soccer is for queers" and this came up.  Fitting.

It kinda sucks hairy wankers writing this time of year.  Not a whole lot is happening right now unless you really care about Bill Stewart heart attacking on the golf course and dying.  And there's probably a large majority of people who don't even know who the fuck that is...for good reason.  So I'm just gonna grab bag it here and throw some topics out for discussion.  Maybe if baseball wasn't for fuckin queers I would have something better to write about.

I'm really starting to side with Drew on the whole Facebook thing and have given heavy thought to just deleting my account.  This shit's starting to get real old.  Between infuriating duck faces, Facebook super moms, grammar police, random pictures of the probably terrible dinner you made yourself and posts about how big of a fucking disaster your life is, I've almost had enough.  Honestly about the only thing that's keeping me going is a handful of people that manage to find Internet gold to post on my wall.  My brother Jordan and Prime are two of the best at that.  Keep it up fellas.

Stan VanGundy was fired yesterday.  Personally I think that's complete horseshit.  I've always like SVG and thought he never got the credit he deserved for what he did with that team.  It was Dwight Howard and a handful of average guys he turned into a pretty ELITE squad.  And why the fuck would you fire your coach if the guy who wanted him fired isn't even going to be on the team next year?  That's like getting rid of your car because your high maintenance, bitchy, cunt faced GF doesn't like they way it looks or smells, or runs or maybe the seat fabric disagrees with her high societal pussy skin...then she dumps your pathetic ass a month later.  Now you're fucking stupid AND car-less.  On the flip side of that, Otis Smith was rightfully terminated.  I'm surprised he kept his job for as long as he did after trading for Vince Carter and Gilbert Arenas.  I would say that's an instant death sentence.  Remember when Arenas was considered a superstar?  God...those were funny days.

Raise your hand if you want Roger Clemens to go to jail.  I could give a fuck about baseball but Roger Clemens going to jail and essentially putting himself there is more LOLZ than Curt Schilling being broke because of a video game.  I can't wait for the Roger Clemens prison sex porno to hit the interwebs.  I also can't wait for him to misremember getting hollowed out by Nasty Nate.

I read this last week and absolutely lost my fucking mind. Fuck you, lawn ferries.  Fuck your stupid fucking boring game that is in actuality just a bunch of Euro-trash fuck wads sprinting around for 2 hours...or however the fuck long those dick sucking competitions last for.  This is the reality.  In the near future, this fad will die and soccer will go back to being bumped for a show about periods and ovulation on the Oxygen network.  Soccer is a expendable.  It'll be a sport outcast again in no time for all of the reasons mentioned at the end of this article.  Unless you played soccer, it is IMPOSSIBLE to enjoy watching games on a regular basis.  And since America does a pretty good job of making sure we don't grow up to be pussies, most young kids choose football over soccer.  Eventually soccer will be phased out the same way that televised poker was.  Fucking douche bag soccer faggot.  I hate the guy who wrote that article so much.

Don't blame me for this mail-in post.  Blame the sports dead zone we're in.  Blame baseball for being sucky and unwatchable.  Blame the HarBRAH's for not showing up in Toledo to give me more material.  Blame G$ for making me write twice last week.  But most of all, BLAME CANADA!


Anonymous said...

I have started calling out duckfaces and peace signs. The responses you get from those are priceless and sends a clear message; that shit is gay.

One of my buddies is in Afghanistan (to take a break from his wife and kid (no joke (hahaha))), and posted a pic with a peace sign. His wife wasnt too pleased when I made a comment about how his vacation looks to be doing wonders for his relaxation.


Anonymous said...

I've been doing the same. I call you a fuckin idiot for making a face that looks like you're getting violated in the ass by a studded bowling pin an I'm the asshole. I'm sure your parents are proud.

Totally forgot about peace signs. Cram it up your dickhole, hippy. I'm half tempted to post pics of my open butthole on these jerkoff's walls to really drive home my discontent.

GMoney said...

You're a liar. You are never leaving Facebook. You post just as much as anyone. Granted, your proclamation that Hunger Strike is the greatest song ever is legit, but stop being a hypocrite.

I'm already terrified about what I'm going to have to write the rest of the week.

Futbol es homo.

MUDawgfan said...

The Supermoms drive me absolutely crazy. If you send me a friend invite on facebook and there is a picture of your child on there, I will not accept. I do not give a shit about your family - at all!

I like the fact that some people post vacation pictures. Gives me ideas of places I want to travel and typically allows me to check out which girls are sneaky hot.

If you hate Facebook now, give it 3 months and let the Election shit really get going. It'll be like dueling contests of the NYT and the Wall Street Journal littering your FB Feed.

Saw the Avengers this weekend. Pretty good stuff, but I'm much more excited for Promethus and Dark Knight Rises.

GMoney said...

Oh, this can't go unmentioned, but Mr. Ape proudly announced on FB yesterday that he got rid of cable because he never used it. What a hipster cunt. Between the 80% vegan thing and now wanting to read more, I think that Ace is the most objectionable person on the planet.

Anonymous said...

Iceman...I've had a handful of friends deactivate their Facebook accounts over the last six months due to the reasons you mentioned. MUDawg is right...it's only going to get worse with an upcoming election. Free yourself sir.

SVG definitely never should have been fired. It doesn't make any sense. If I were him, I'd seriously look at never coaching in the NBA again. I'd join a front office or be a college coach.

I definitely would like to see Clemens thrown in jail for my own shits and giggles.

I don't think soccer is going anywhere. I believe that right now more kids play it than any other sport in this country...we have tons of hispanics....and even ESPN has started to show English club teams play quite a bit it seems. I actually think interest in the sport is only going up. Who knows though..I don't care either way.


Anonymous said...

How can you never use cable? That pretty much means he's quit watching sports amirite?


Anonymous said...

Nothing pisses me off more than going to espn.com and seeing 2 or 3 soccer stories on the front page. Queers are taking over the world. Why do we give a damn about European soccer?

Ape is starting to worry me. No cable? This shit has got to stop.


Anonymous said...

I saw that no cable post and couldn't believe it. I thought it was some poor attempt at humor, apparently not. He should go live in Sedona with the rest of his granola loving shitheels.

I got even money saying he buys a fucking hybrid next, but I wouldn't put it past him to get a moped or some other such shit.


GMoney said...

Question: Is it possible for Iceman to ever figure out how to post pictures with his post? I'm getting the dreaded red X yet again.

Mr. Ace said...

Alright, queermos.

First, soccer is going nowhere. Don't be stupid. The generation coming up is going to make soccer big in the US.

Second, Facebook politics season is fast approaching. Be afraid. That always makes me delete 10 people from my friends list.

As far as cable, Yes, that shit is gone. I have an HD antenna so I can pull in all the local shit and my laptop has an HDMI hookup so I can just hook it up to my TV and watch all the sports/cable programming I want...for FREE!!! I should have done this years ago. Also, I will hopefully be buying a house(just sent in a counter offer yesterday) very soon and I am saving money in any way possible. I could no longer pay Time Warner $90 for cable that I never watched.

Champion at life.

GMoney said...

How many fucking times are you going to move? This would be, what, the third time in three years? Quit being a nomad and watch more Hoarders.

Anonymous said...

"If you hate Facebook now, give it 3 months and let the Election shit really get going. It'll be like dueling contests of the NYT and the Wall Street Journal littering your FB Feed."

/facepalm. Jesus...totally forgot about that. Sonofabitch...

I post funny and awesome things G$. Like the shape, frequency and color of my bowel movements. And the legitness of forgotten 90's rock gems. I'm not giving everyone a play by play of every shitty thing that ever happens to me or breaking down game film of my entire day starting as soon as I wake up.

The picture worked on my computer, G$. Maybe your computer blows more than Ace's decision to turn into 60's hippy doucher. Watch out for a soul patch. It's coming.

Anonymous said...

Alright, fags. I put the same picture up but from a different URL. Hopefully that worked for all of your shitty computers.

Prime99 said...

Pic worked for me... Super gay.

You don't even have to delete people these days, just block their feed- unless you prefer an open delete, then post on their wall that you are about to delete them, then proceed.

I would highly consider deleting my profile but my music page is tied to my profile. Political season is more bias than all of us about our favorite sports teams.

I feel like you've put a lot of pressure on me and Jordan. Luckily, I don't mind stealing bread.

Brady said...

-That post was filled with trademark Iceman hate.

-I have noticed in recent weeks that Ice has been calling people out on Facebook. Not individual people like a real man would do but groups of people. I have enjoyed these posts. If you aren't going to be funny or interesting when you post, nobody gives a shit. So many women that I graduated with have turned into mini van drivin', oprah watchin', mom jeans wearin' bitches. What happened to the days when we would drink 15 beers and I would do lines off your tits (may or may not have really happened)? Getting old is gay.

-Roger has lucked out in the court of public opinion. Oh he may still go to jail but literally NOBODY is talking about his trial nor gives any shits about it. Steroids are soooo 2007. People are sick of hearing about it. I know I change the channel instantly when it's mentioned.

-Tribe/Togers tonight! I know it's retarded to get excited about a series in late May but what else am I supposed to do? Yard Work? Fuck that shit.

Anonymous said...

After the Perfect Strangers game you posted on my wall...I find it impossible to doubt your abilities. Jordan is an avid stumbleupon.com user so I always get choice shit from him. I don't see that going away.

Brady, I call out individuals when I must. It's something that's happening more and more because when I really think about it...I care more about soy tacos more than being internet friends with someone who can't take a hilariously awesome jab at their lame ass actions.

Anonymous said...



GMoney said...

After his post yesterday, I'm guessing that he's a Klan rally...or maybe sampling America's favorite maples.

Anonymous said...

Or getting a Swastika chest tat.

Anonymous said...

This is Day 2 that he hasn't blessed us with his presence. Maybe he and Dut are fucking each other these days?

It's supposed to be 97 degrees on Sunday. That is just way too fucking hot to do anything other than sit inside with air conditioning.


Anonymous said...

Sunday I plan on drinking waaaaay too early. Socially unacceptable for a 32 year old man, early. My goal is to be blacked out by 4PM.

If any of you faggots are gonna be near Toledo on Sunday, you're welcome to join me.

Anonymous said...

Good for you Iceman...I dig that.

I'm doing the Crawl for Cancer in Columbus on Saturday. It's an absolute shit-show adn one of my favorite days of the year.

Redskins and Cowboys got their appeals to the salary cap restrictions denied. Good. G$ is a cheater.


Brady said...

I missed out on drinking Saturday night with you Ice. Some Sunday funday drinking sounds excellent. I may join you.

Anonymous said...

You missed an ELITE drunken confrontation with some cock faced shit head wearing a tie, Brady. Apparently when I was in the bathroom this chach started hitting on my GF pretty hard. Whatever...I've never felt threatened in any relationship since I know what I bring to the table. If you want something else? Fine. I won't stop you. I'm too busy for those games.

So at bar close, this anus comes back up and starts talking to our table again and tries to shake my hand and be all buddies with me. My hands never left my beer as I looked at his outstretched hand and said, "nah...I'm cool." To which he replies "you're cool?" And I said, "you heard me." He muttered something under his breath as he walked away. I proceeded to loudly talk about how only douche bags wear ties to a bar for the remaining 10 minutes we were there. Like i said, I'm confident in my relationship abilities...but I'm not above being a complete asshole to dildos like that.

GMoney said...

I'm umping tripleheaders on Saturday and Monday in mid 90's heat and humidity. There shall be a surplus of swamp ass in the central Ohio area this weekend.

Did we piss off Grumpy? Is he giving us the cold commenting shoulder? Are we just not entertaining enough? Nah, that can't be true. He's probably dead.

Brady said...

Damn! Drunken confrontations are ELITE! I had just a few too many to make the drive up to Sylvania. These new living arrangements we have aren't quite the backdoor alley neighbor set up from years past. That was WAY easier to get drunk together. Plus I got to visit the fight club house on the reg. Memories....

Jared and I made an attempt to contact Grumpy through Facebook as well. Still nothing. Can you report someone "Internet Missing"? I feel like you should be able to.

Prime99 said...

I tweeted him as well. Nothing. I'm worried.

GMoney said...

Per internet law, a commenter must be missing for 72 hours before being declared "Internet Missing".

What I learned today is that Brady and Iceman used to have man-sex way more frequently than they do today.

Anonymous said...

If 72 hours goes by. The Grumpy Search duties are as follows...

Me -- I will travel down to South Carolina and look around his tree.

G$ -- You take Oxford, OH since you know the lay of the land.

Iceman/Brady -- You guys make the quick trip down to Big Ben's childhood home in Findlay. You guys can take turns driving/blowing each other.

Dut -- You look underneath your desk.

Prime -- You keep hitting up the social media search.

Ide -- You do nothing. Your comments are far too valuable here to risk losing.


GMoney said...

Will do. Fuck it, might as well get started. Use force if you must because we MUST FIND HIS CORPSE. This blog has a staunch "No Old Man Left Behind" policy.

We will reconvene here at 8:00 AM tomorrow. May God be with all of us.

Brady said...

"backdoor alley neighbor set up from years past"

Maybe not the best choice of words if I wanted to avoid gay/blow job jokes. Live and learn I guess.

I will make hilarious Steeler jokes all over cyberspace in an effort to locate Grumpy. If that doesn't do the trick I will start a candlelight vigil and raise money for his search. Make all checks and MO's out to me personally. I swear all proceeds go straight to my bank account.

Anonymous said...

Way to set that one on a tee for them, Brady.

Who's this "Jared" character?

GMoney said...

The guy from Subway.

Shouldn't you two be knocking on the doors throughout Findlay acting like the bad Terminator by asking "HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GRUMP" and demanding parmesan bread bites???

Prime99 said...

Drew just directed us like he's Peyton Manning or Captain America. Nice!