|Not pictured: AIDS|
The year is 1995 or 1996…I’m not really sure. It’s probably the summer of ’96 (the inverse of Bryan Adams favorite summer!) since it has to do with high school faculty and we would not have been aware of them as incoming freshmen. My boyzzzz and I had developed a pretty sick daily routine of riding our bikes over the Buke’s house and fucking around (no homo) for a few hours. These little gatherings would usually lead to a walk to “the main drag” of Naptown where much of the local commerce was. We would eat lunch at Wendy’s or some other place (but usually Wendy’s) and laugh hysterically at many of the patrons who were ugly, had weird facial hair, had some sort of deformity, or was just a piece of shit. You would be surprised (or maybe not actually) at how many fucking weirdos ate lunch at the Nap Wendy’s. Needless to say, the mid-90’s were not the healthiest years of my life.
After lunch, the handful of us would walk down said main drag and pop into area businesses for no apparent reason other than to annoy people. I know that I found a bitchin’ Poison t-shirt (LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN!) at the Salvation Army once and that was way before vintage hair band shirts were hip. Every once in awhile we would go to the grocery store, steal a bunch of gummy worms, fill up a cart with tampons and douche, and then just leave it in another aisle. We were excellent kids. It was mostly harmless fun and it got us out of the house for a few hours. We would walk back to Buke’s house, maybe play a legendary game of Backyard Baseball, and then go our separate ways.
One day on the walk back, it was decided among a couple of us that we would craft the greatest urban legend of all time. This myth has circulated from the fairgrounds to the hospital to Wayne Park for closing in on two decades now. I am proud to say that I helped start it and even prouder that some may still believe it.
OK, so there was/still might be a teacher at the high school who is a total asshole. We will call him Mr. Chode because I’ve received enough letters from lawyers representing my former teachers (ONE! And that is 100% true, too) regarding talking internet shit about them and that is why we don’t use real names around here. I have no idea why Mr. Chode decided to teach. He hated kids. He didn’t really try. He was pretty much the lard-assed poster boy for everything that is wrong with the public education system. Mr. Chode did just so happen to live about halfway between Scott St and Buke’s house though. We walked by his place everyday.
Anyway, back to the legendary tale, we, as a group, decided to exact some level of revenge on this asshole (although not really). I don’t know where this idea came from but the basic plot for our gag was:
Let’s tell everyone that Mr. Chode was playing basketball in his driveway completely naked.
The story grew from there. It was decided that he would not be completely nude, but he would be wearing shoes and socks. It was decided that we said “Hey, Mr. Chode!” to him and he replied in the creepiest way possible, “HELLLLLLOOOOOOO, BOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYSSSSSSS”. It was also decided that this would not be just any naked blob teacher shooting hoops, but he was only practicing his finger rolls. That was it. Short and sweet. We were walking home, Mr. Chode was going all George Gervin in his driveway while not wearing any clothing, we exchanged pleasantries, and we were on our way. We spread that story around like wild fever and you wouldn’t believe how many people bought it. Apparently, Mr. Chode looked like a guy that would do that.
Most of us held onto that secret for years (for the sake of the gullible; normal people saw right through that blatant yet amazing lie) before coming clean. Hell, I don’t know, maybe someone (Z?) still believes it. I wonder if Mr. Chode ever found out about it. Did we miss the day when he was doing The Mikan Drill in his birthday suit? These are the questions that keep me up at night. Good times.
Oh, and one more thing, there was one day (and I wasn’t there that day) when the fellas had a gun pulled on them by one of those guys that is in your class but is like 15 years older than you are. Hilarious. Mr. Chode is a fucking asshole. He probably sucks at basketball.