Thursday, May 03, 2012

All He Could Do...Was Finger Roll

Not pictured: AIDS
I don’t really have anything planned for today so I figured that I would just dip back into my treasure trove of teenage stories instead of forcing a shitty post. These always seem to go over well with the masses. MUDawg appears to enjoy posts like these so consider this your reward for an awesome joke at Junior Seau’s expense yesterday.

The year is 1995 or 1996…I’m not really sure. It’s probably the summer of ’96 (the inverse of Bryan Adams favorite summer!) since it has to do with high school faculty and we would not have been aware of them as incoming freshmen. My boyzzzz and I had developed a pretty sick daily routine of riding our bikes over the Buke’s house and fucking around (no homo) for a few hours. These little gatherings would usually lead to a walk to “the main drag” of Naptown where much of the local commerce was. We would eat lunch at Wendy’s or some other place (but usually Wendy’s) and laugh hysterically at many of the patrons who were ugly, had weird facial hair, had some sort of deformity, or was just a piece of shit. You would be surprised (or maybe not actually) at how many fucking weirdos ate lunch at the Nap Wendy’s. Needless to say, the mid-90’s were not the healthiest years of my life.

After lunch, the handful of us would walk down said main drag and pop into area businesses for no apparent reason other than to annoy people. I know that I found a bitchin’ Poison t-shirt (LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN!) at the Salvation Army once and that was way before vintage hair band shirts were hip. Every once in awhile we would go to the grocery store, steal a bunch of gummy worms, fill up a cart with tampons and douche, and then just leave it in another aisle. We were excellent kids. It was mostly harmless fun and it got us out of the house for a few hours. We would walk back to Buke’s house, maybe play a legendary game of Backyard Baseball, and then go our separate ways.

One day on the walk back, it was decided among a couple of us that we would craft the greatest urban legend of all time. This myth has circulated from the fairgrounds to the hospital to Wayne Park for closing in on two decades now. I am proud to say that I helped start it and even prouder that some may still believe it.

OK, so there was/still might be a teacher at the high school who is a total asshole. We will call him Mr. Chode because I’ve received enough letters from lawyers representing my former teachers (ONE! And that is 100% true, too) regarding talking internet shit about them and that is why we don’t use real names around here. I have no idea why Mr. Chode decided to teach. He hated kids. He didn’t really try. He was pretty much the lard-assed poster boy for everything that is wrong with the public education system. Mr. Chode did just so happen to live about halfway between Scott St and Buke’s house though. We walked by his place everyday.

Anyway, back to the legendary tale, we, as a group, decided to exact some level of revenge on this asshole (although not really). I don’t know where this idea came from but the basic plot for our gag was:

Let’s tell everyone that Mr. Chode was playing basketball in his driveway completely naked.

The story grew from there. It was decided that he would not be completely nude, but he would be wearing shoes and socks. It was decided that we said “Hey, Mr. Chode!” to him and he replied in the creepiest way possible, “HELLLLLLOOOOOOO, BOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYSSSSSSS”. It was also decided that this would not be just any naked blob teacher shooting hoops, but he was only practicing his finger rolls. That was it. Short and sweet. We were walking home, Mr. Chode was going all George Gervin in his driveway while not wearing any clothing, we exchanged pleasantries, and we were on our way. We spread that story around like wild fever and you wouldn’t believe how many people bought it. Apparently, Mr. Chode looked like a guy that would do that.

Most of us held onto that secret for years (for the sake of the gullible; normal people saw right through that blatant yet amazing lie) before coming clean. Hell, I don’t know, maybe someone (Z?) still believes it. I wonder if Mr. Chode ever found out about it. Did we miss the day when he was doing The Mikan Drill in his birthday suit? These are the questions that keep me up at night. Good times.

Oh, and one more thing, there was one day (and I wasn’t there that day) when the fellas had a gun pulled on them by one of those guys that is in your class but is like 15 years older than you are. Hilarious. Mr. Chode is a fucking asshole. He probably sucks at basketball.


Grumpy said...

These childhood stories are the best. I've had lunch in enough small town Wendy's in Ohio to be able to picture the denizens of yours.

MUDawgfan said...

If it was back in the 90's I would imagine that's when Wendy's was pushing the "Super Bar" concept.

They thought people wanted to walk up and eat old ass baked potatoes with Chili on it. Horrible Idea. I don't know anyone that used to eat at the Super Bar.

The best part of the story is the "HELLLOOOOOO BOOOOOYYYSSSS" line. I can imagine you all did a ridiculous impression of that when relating the story. That's probably why so many people bought it.

GMoney said...

Dawg, no Super Bar at ours and, yes, the way that I typed Hello Boys does not do the impression justice.

Also of note: CONGRATS TO LI'L STRUT WHO IS GETTING MARRIED...TO A WOMAN! Both Struts are now off of the market. I look forward to drinking at your parents house tomorrow night.

Anonymous said...

First of all, very funny story.

MUDawg...I remember the "Super Bar"...but, I don't think it was at every Wendy's. The only one I remember was at one Wendy's that we would occasionally stop at on the trip up to my parent's lake house. I was a kid, but I loved the super bar. I don't remember anything about baked potatoes...but, I do remember that there were nacho chips...and cheese....and chili. That may have been my first introduction to nachos, which is arguably my favorite thing to eat. So, I've got one positive vote for the Super Bar. Did they have fries and salads and stuff? Honestly, the only thing I remember is the chips, cheese and chili.
But, I would get it every time.

Anonymous said...

I'm 99% sure Z still believes this story.

By way we would have been incoming freshman in the summer of '95. '95-'96 was our freshman year. Your math is clearly not what it used to be.


Anonymous said...

Disregard my comment about questioning your math skills. I misunderstood what you wrote at first. You could say that I misremembered.


GMoney said...

I know. I settled on '96. Wouldn't that be right? It was definitely pre-license but after some of us had had Mr. Chode in skool.

Drew/Dawg, my roommate and I went up to BG our Senior year ('03) for some Saturday afternoon MAC basketball and on the way home we stopped at Wendy's in Findlay. BOOM! SUPER BAR! It was mostly just a salad bar at that point though. So sad.

One more thing about the grocery store--there were like 5 of us pushing around a cart that was packed with really weird shit.

Manager: Are you guys going to pay for that?
Us in unison: No.
Manager: Put it back.

MUDawgfan said...

Drew - I remember that the one near my house had chips too and nacho cheese too. There was always one area that had steamed potatos in it.

Here is a SuperBar commercial I found on youtube. It features NBA Legend Rex Chapman swilling for the Superbar ($2.99 - what a deal!)

GMoney said...

I wish that I was a good enough internet writer to shoehorn a Mikan Drill reference into every post. Alas, I am not.


Anonymous said...

I remember hearing the finger roll story from Buke when I was a freshman in college (2003). We both knew it to be false, but occasional commenter Nate and myself did everything we could to spread it to as many people as would listen.

Thanks for the shout out. I am now an engaged man. I can already feel the balance of power begin to shift in my relationship.

Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

$2.99 for the Super Bar is indeed a steal. What would it cost these days? My guess is $ 7.49. You can't let some family of slobs set up shop in your Wendy's for less than that.


The Iceman said...

That is an A+ commercial, Drew. Love the outfit. I don't remember Rex Chapman ever being good enough for endorsements. Maybe that's why the Super Bar failed.

It's crazy how I went to the same school as you for 3 years and never heard that story. I'm sure it wouldn't be too hard for me to figure out who Mr. Choad is, though. Are you able to reveal his subject of expertise?

And why the threatening letter? Why is he so worried about his Internet reputation? And how did he find out you were shit talking him on this 5-star site? There are so many questions I need answered.

GMoney said...

You can't let some family of slobs set up shop in your Wendy's for less than that.

CHODE just happens to be in his last name and he taught a subject dealing with numbers. That should be of great assistance.

He was not the one to lawyer up on me though. That was a woman American who did not care for me going on another site (not this one) and proclaiming that her whore ass spread STDs throughout the high school. I guess that she enjoys googling her own name. I wish that I kept that letter. It was classic me. I'm sure that her lawyer killed himself by now for wasting an entire day going after a future internet legend.

GMoney said...

You can't let some family of slobs set up shop in your Wendy's for less than that

Looks like someone has spent some time in Nap!

Ice, it was Dawg's video. Show some respect.

Anonymous said...

Terrell Suggs out for the year with a torn ACL from playing basketball. What a fucking idiot - and man that is awesome.


The Iceman said...

Well, shit. My bad. Yesterday the golden Seau comment and today the Chapman video. Impressive run you've been on Dawg.

Mystery solved. I was about 99% sure it was him. YOUUUUGE douche bag.

Find a way to tell me who went lawyer on you. I feel like a 6th grade girl. I HAVE TO KNOW!!!!!

GMoney said...

This should end your speculation:

She was rumored to have had boned at least a million male students. Never confirmed but never denied either.

Anonymous said...

Seal...torn Achilles..not torn ACL. Still donezo....may even have a longer recovery time than ACL these days. I wonder if the Ravens can void his contract for playing basketball?

Was the whore teacher at least decent looking? Also, around how old was she when she was fucking students?


Grumpy said...

Did anyone here bone her? That's what's important.

I don't know about the Super Bar, but in the 80's Wendy's Salad Bar was magnificent.

GMoney said...

I always got a Miss Viola Swamp vibe from her. Now THAT is an obscure reference!

Anonymous said... much was a Wendy's Salad Bar in the 80's? Also, what made it so magnificent?


Brady said...

Awesome story! I love tales from G$'s youth. I'm still waiting for another in-law story though. Those are my favorite.

The Iceman said...

I'm guessing she also had a son who got his shit kicked by a freshman when he was a senior at wayne park...amiright, G$?

The Iceman said...

I guess I should say HAS since he isn't my knowledge.

GMoney said...

That is a little before my time but I think that we're on the same Eric Page.

Eb said...

Nice Story Bachman!

I never heard about the lawyered up English Teacher before. That is crazy!

I dont think I ever heard about your Math Teacher Buddy, but I can imagine who your talking about. The greatest part of the story is that Z Man, Continues to contribute to your legend.

I request a Matt Belts Story Next...I think you guys used to tie him up and set him on fire.

The Iceman said...

You need to tell a "Shit! Shegitz!" story. Or maybe throw in a "Fuck! Belford!" while you're at it.

For those of you who haven't had the chance to see the link Prime posted on my Facebook page, I suggest you go there now. Prime is easily top 5 best people to be Facebook friends with. There is no debate on that.

GMoney said...

Eb, I love ya, but if you don't start calling me by my internet moniker then we are going to have issues. I think that I've done a very good job of keeping myself fairly anonymous and I'd like for it to stay that way. This is your last warning.

Everyone is using real last names now. Did you learn NOTHING from today's post???

The Iceman said...

There's more than one person with those surnames. I could be talking about anyone. ANYONE!!!

The Iceman said...

On a lighter note...Notre Dame is a factory of LOL.

Prime99 said...

Top 5 on Facebook! Fuck yeah! Any time you run across a link to play a game as Balki from Perfect Strangers, you SHARE THAT LINK.

Btw, fantasy baseball is easy when your pitchers throw perfect games and no hitters every other week! Try it!

Good story, G$. Too bad I don't know these douche teachers but sounds like Naptown high school rulz!!!

Grumpy said...

Drew, if I remember correctly, the Wendy's salad bar was about $1.99. This is way before places like Ryan's, Golden Corral etc. Different chains had tried salad bars before Wendy's, but they just had more choices.

Mr. Ace said...


I know I don't really contribute here anymore(I AM A LEGEND), but a story time Tuesday segment from both contributors and commenters would be ELITE. Just sayin.

GMoney said...

Go can start