|Move the fuck over, William Hung.|
OK, so in the packet of things that must be included in order to qualify to be a contestant on the Summer's #1 reality show on America's most watched network (that's a mouthful), I must provide 5 things: a copy of my driver's license and social security card (no problem there), a finished 10 page questionnaire that I added more to this week but you already knew that I finished that, 2 pictures (one of the face and one full length of my sex temple AKA hot body), clothing sizes, and the 2 minute video. Let's talk about each one in particular except for the DL and SS since that has no side story at all.
1. The questionnaire - I answered all of their questions honestly (as I should). There was a question in the middle that asked if I had ever done any work on TV in the past. My answer was "When I was in 6th grade, I did a kid's news show on public access called News Six (it was a horrible show as you can imagine and -Rex's brother starred on the program with me--for some reason we did not do a feature on his hold and my extra point kick that took place 6 years in the future) and I also did color commentary for high school basketball games a few years later. So, basically, no I have no meaningful experience on TV."
2. 2 Pictures - This was harder than I expected because I never take pictures of myself and my wife would kill me if I just started yanking pictures out of our wedding album. She's a real bitch like that! So we bought a color printer and I headed to Facebook to find some passable photos. I found one close-up from our wedding online that I was able to use. The full length photo was tougher. I ended up using the picture captured on a trip to Oxford this past Fall (from the infamous Four Loko night!) and (deep, deep sigh) it is the picture with Grumpy, his friend The Big Guy, and myself in a retro Miami Big Ben jersey. Grump, if I get passed over in the casting process, I'm blaming your old ass! I can't believe that I chose that picture but at least I look really hot standing next to those old death cheaters. Fuck me sideways for not having any other options for head-to-toe pictures. Grumpy is the worst. He already owes me 500K for ruining my dream.
3. Getting sized - There is a portion of the application that asks for jacket size, waist, chest, arm length, inseam, etc. Since I work right by a mall, I headed to Men's Warehouse a few weeks ago over my lunch break to get that done. I was greeted by a nice, young, possibly gay chap who was more than willing to help out. I was OK if he wanted to cup my balls because, you know, guy's gotta eat. I handed him the form (which I had barely glanced at fully) and he immediately had a ton of questions. First of all, he asked what this is for. Now, I have no shame in admitting that I want to be on a reality TV show, but at that moment, I had no desire to tell this gay man about it. So I lied and said that it was for an out-of-state wedding. He seemed skeptical but continued with the sizing nonetheless. He did the normal suit sizing and whatnot but then got to the awkward part.
Gay - Why do they want to know your underwear size?
G$ - Uh, hmmm, yeah, the bride is a real control freak.
Gay - I see that. Is she really planning on buying everyone in the wedding party a pair of underwear for the ceremony? That seems like a bit much.
G$ - Yeah, uh, she's a real control freak. I've only met her once and she seemed like a bitch.
Gay - Shoe size? Well, I suppose that's a legitimate request.
G$ - Yeah.
Gay - Are you right or left handed? OK, that doesn't make any sense. What does that have to do with a tuxedo?
G$ - I know. But she wants to know or something so I'll give it to her just to avoid getting yelled at.
Gay - Eye Color? Well, I already know that you have blue eyes.
G$ - ???
Was he trying to hit on me with that knowledge about my eyes? Was he actually sizing ME up? I'm so flattered. If this sham marriage that I'm currently in ever fails at least I know that there's a fine young homosexual at Men's Warehouse that would want to take me out for wine and caviche. I also found out that my left shoulder hangs just a little bit lower than my right. I am not symmetrical. How did I never notice this! I'M A GODDAMN FREAK! I'm pretty much Sloth now. HEY YOU GUYS! But anyway, after a really awkward and entertaining five minutes of lying to the gay guy, we got it done.
4. The video - Ah yes, the video. We have talked about this a few times either here or in person. Drew had a good idea for a "man of the people" sketch where I get my pirate neighbors, the El Vaquero staff, Plugged Nickel regulars, the homeless, and I don't know, Jack Nicklaus to throw their support behind me. It is a great plan but has two problems: 1. No one offered to help and 2. I only have 2 minutes to convince Hollywood types that I am better than thousands of other applicants. I don't see that this is a feasible option simply due to timing.
I spent a lot of the last week creating my storyboard for what I wanted to say and when I would say that so that it flowed well without a lot of hemming and hawing. I think that I have a good outline. My goal is to spend 30 seconds each on who I am, why I want to do it, how I would win the game, and why they need me. I think that it's funny (and it better be to help overcome the whole Grumpy factor). I'm shooting it while sitting on my bathroom toilet (not shitting though unfortunately--but since I would guess that most people would use a webcam, this will help me stand out; the toilet was my creative decision and I stand by it...THE TOILET MAN CAN!!!). I casually threaten the people watching it and deciding on my fate. I remind them that this network pays Rob Schneider thousands of dollars per horrible episode and I'm at least five times funnier and will work for Big Brother slop. AT LEAST five times funnier than The Animal. Or at least I would have said all of that.
I've had issues with the camera. It seems as though I know no one with a camcorder. The wife borrowed one from her sister a few weeks ago and, of course, it is old as shit. It records video on 8mm tapes which apparently are about as rare and out of date as powdered wigs outside of a Biz Markie video. Plus, BB notes in the application that they don't accept 8mm tapes which no one sells anymore anyway. SWEET! Since I don't have a webcam and don't know anyone else who does either, I'm in a bit of a pickle now.
Enter my wife who came up with the great idea of getting her sisters to pitch in and buy my father-in-law a digital camcorder for Father's Day. Sorry, Fred, if you are reading this (and I know that you aren't), you are getting one of these in June. But I will be using it first to take care of some business. She$ is going to be picking it up in the next few days (if she hasn't already by the time that this posts). So we are BACK ON TRACK.
Applications are due in by May 11th so I have a little more time but that time is slowly running out and I'm starting to get a tad nervous. I don't want to use a webcam at all because there is nothing original about that. But I just want to get this finished immediately so I can just sit back and wait for Hollywood to call me up and tell me that I'm one of the 40 finalists and that they want to fly me out to LA to meet me. So that is where we stand in my quest for reality TV glory. Thoughts?