|Wonderlic my balls.|
So what can we expect from the guy that is 33% less equipped to deal with stressful situations than Vince Young? Hoo boy, Claiborne is definitely one to keep your eye on. He should be under 24 hour suicide watch all the time.
This really isn’t a huge story, but it did get me thinking about a potential blog topic. We all know that you have to be intelligent to be a quarterback (unless your last name is Manning) or point guard (unless your last name is Marbury) or catcher (unless your last name is Posada). Usually, ELITE teams have smart people playing these positions. It is not a coincidence that Tom Brady, Chris Paul, and Pudge Rodriguez teams are always pretty good. If those are the smartest positions in team sports, then where are all the dipshits? Below is my list of the top 5 dumbest positions in sports.
5. Boxer/Fighter – These are not intellectuals. What kind of person takes a job in which your opponent is trying to cause you brain damage by knocking you unconscious? FACT: I could kill any MMA combatant within five seconds. My strategy would be that as soon as the round starts, I would ask them what their home address is and then their heads would explode. I would be a real cerebral assassin. The meathead fans would hate me.
4. Hockey Defenseman – Now I’m sure that these guys are book smart or whatever but you’ve got to be a real dolt to play this position for a living. Oh sure, I’ll score zero goals while stepping in front of 100 mph slappers and blocking them with my teeth and nose. I’ll accept zero credit from the average hockey fan while a pillow biter like Sidney Crosby gets all the love even though he is worthless without me. What’s that? You want to fight me, George Parros? BRING IT! I DON’T WANT A NORMAL FACE ANYWAY!
3. Center – I think the general rule of thumb is that anyone over 6’6” is socially awkward and completely overmatched at everything in life unrelated to the basketball key and The Mikan Drill. In the old days, a center was never asked to go outside of about an invisible four feet circle around the hoop. Now, they are asked to do a bit more screening and maybe some shooting if they don’t trip and fall over their gangly stick legs, but still, not smart people those centers. Just look at Dwight Howard for example. He would rather play in New Jersey than for the #3 seed in the East WITH NO STATE TAX! Unlike Anthony Davis, he has yet to figure out that blocking shots out of bounds is fucking dumb and prevents your own team from running. He has no move other than DUNK. Centers are idiots.
2. Cornerback – Ah yes, Claiborne’s home. If you want to make this a race thing, well, that’s understandable because us white folks still cling to the horrible memories of Jason Sehorn. Corners are tards. Safeties have to read formations and adjust to audibles and what not, while corners just stand in front of the receiver trying to be that guy’s shadow. If you can run and jump, you can play corner. That’s it. This is the position of Pacman Jones!
1. Pitcher – Just look at Kenny Powers. He doesn’t do anything but throw (like a girl, mind you, which is a hard thing to ignore while watching E&D) as hard as he can. He doesn’t prepare at all and does no scouting. They even get told what they have to throw. As a former catcher and teenage sex symbol, I used to get pissed when my pitcher would shake me off. I know what I’m doing and what the hitters’ tendencies are, YOU DO NOT NOW FIRE THAT FUCKIN’
I was going to add “race car drivers” but they aren’t athletes and that isn’t a sport. Agree? Disagree? I like to think that I nailed this one. It’s because I’m smart.