Thursday, April 05, 2012

They So Dumb For Real

Wonderlic my balls.
On Tuesday, word leaked that likely top 5 draft pick later this month, Morris Claiborne, scored a 4 on his Wonderlic test at the combine. It probably doesn’t mean much as far as Mo’s ability to cover receivers, but it is still funny nonetheless. The Iceman apparently took the same test and scored a 30 so you know that it’s simple. Drew wants to believe that Claiborne is trolling so hard here. I tend to think that he’s just that stupid. Even the biggest idiot knows not to sabotage their own job interview. The Wonderlic is supposed to show how one reacts under pressure. Vince Young scored a six and then a few years later tried to kill himself when people questioned whether or not he should still be the starter so there might be some validity to this exercise.

So what can we expect from the guy that is 33% less equipped to deal with stressful situations than Vince Young? Hoo boy, Claiborne is definitely one to keep your eye on. He should be under 24 hour suicide watch all the time.

This really isn’t a huge story, but it did get me thinking about a potential blog topic. We all know that you have to be intelligent to be a quarterback (unless your last name is Manning) or point guard (unless your last name is Marbury) or catcher (unless your last name is Posada). Usually, ELITE teams have smart people playing these positions. It is not a coincidence that Tom Brady, Chris Paul, and Pudge Rodriguez teams are always pretty good. If those are the smartest positions in team sports, then where are all the dipshits? Below is my list of the top 5 dumbest positions in sports.

5. Boxer/Fighter – These are not intellectuals. What kind of person takes a job in which your opponent is trying to cause you brain damage by knocking you unconscious? FACT: I could kill any MMA combatant within five seconds. My strategy would be that as soon as the round starts, I would ask them what their home address is and then their heads would explode. I would be a real cerebral assassin. The meathead fans would hate me.

4. Hockey Defenseman – Now I’m sure that these guys are book smart or whatever but you’ve got to be a real dolt to play this position for a living. Oh sure, I’ll score zero goals while stepping in front of 100 mph slappers and blocking them with my teeth and nose. I’ll accept zero credit from the average hockey fan while a pillow biter like Sidney Crosby gets all the love even though he is worthless without me. What’s that? You want to fight me, George Parros? BRING IT! I DON’T WANT A NORMAL FACE ANYWAY!

3. Center – I think the general rule of thumb is that anyone over 6’6” is socially awkward and completely overmatched at everything in life unrelated to the basketball key and The Mikan Drill. In the old days, a center was never asked to go outside of about an invisible four feet circle around the hoop. Now, they are asked to do a bit more screening and maybe some shooting if they don’t trip and fall over their gangly stick legs, but still, not smart people those centers. Just look at Dwight Howard for example. He would rather play in New Jersey than for the #3 seed in the East WITH NO STATE TAX! Unlike Anthony Davis, he has yet to figure out that blocking shots out of bounds is fucking dumb and prevents your own team from running. He has no move other than DUNK. Centers are idiots.

2. Cornerback – Ah yes, Claiborne’s home. If you want to make this a race thing, well, that’s understandable because us white folks still cling to the horrible memories of Jason Sehorn. Corners are tards. Safeties have to read formations and adjust to audibles and what not, while corners just stand in front of the receiver trying to be that guy’s shadow. If you can run and jump, you can play corner. That’s it. This is the position of Pacman Jones!

1. Pitcher – Just look at Kenny Powers. He doesn’t do anything but throw (like a girl, mind you, which is a hard thing to ignore while watching E&D) as hard as he can. He doesn’t prepare at all and does no scouting. They even get told what they have to throw. As a former catcher and teenage sex symbol, I used to get pissed when my pitcher would shake me off. I know what I’m doing and what the hitters’ tendencies are, YOU DO NOT NOW FIRE THAT FUCKIN’ PIG COW SKIN! FACT: Every single time that a pitcher shakes off the catcher and throws what he wants, he gives up a home run. Yes, there are film junkies like Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine that buck this theory, but 95% of pitchers can not be trusted. They need to be closely monitored so that if for some reason they have an independent thought, time is called, and the pitching coach goes out and reminds him to shut the fuck up and throw what we tell him to. Just look at Carlos Zambrano—do you really want him dictating what is thrown??? I thought so.

I was going to add “race car drivers” but they aren’t athletes and that isn’t a sport. Agree? Disagree? I like to think that I nailed this one. It’s because I’m smart.

42 comments:

Anonymous said...

Basicly all baseball players except catcher and middle infielders do not needed to be all that intelligent. I was a damn good first basemen in my day when I wasnt tripping over my own two feet. What did I really have to know. Get to first base catch the ball and have a minimum of one foot on bag. Not exactly rocket science. We ran what two cheesy pick off plays. Now that I think about it my job was rocket science compared to left and right field.

Hell all they had to do was catch the ball.

Hoffman

Grumpy said...

You chose to ignore the research I did for you regarding Claiborne. The kid has a learning disability; he is not stupid. But you and the regulars will ignore the implications of that and continue to make sport of him. I get that you're using it for the purpose of satire; I just don't think it's funny in this case.

The Iceman said...

Dwight Howard still asks for crayons and a placemat he can draw on at Pizza Hut.

Here's my question, Grump...was this disability known in high school/college and was he properly tutored to pass his classes like every other high school/college student? If that's the case, then I agree with you on this one. But if that didn't happen and he's attempting to use a learning disability as an excuse for a poor score on a test a lot of people don't care about then he deserves the ridicule and I don't feel bad for him at all.

Wrastlers aren't exactly rocket scientists either. Most of the kids that wrestled in high school had trouble staying eligible. And they also picked a sport where you could get a dude's junk firmly pressed against your mouth at any given moment. That's the most telling sign, right?

GMoney said...

I never read any links posted here. It's your fault, not mine. I have the same feeling as Iceman and, fair or not, I don't want my team drafting a kid high that struggles to learn basic things.

Hoffman, that's a decent point. Considering all of the foreigners and Texans in baseball, it sort of has to be a simple game, doesn't it? Thanks for reminding me about the times when you fell down trying to play first. I LOL'ed.

Anonymous said...

Dan Marino scored a 13 on the Wonderlic.

Grumpy said...

His disability was known and accommodations were made to help him. Due to privacy issues, the only reporting on the matter speculates that he has a reading disability.

G$, I sent an article concerning Claiborne's situation to you via email.

I have a close friend who struggled through high school and barely got into college. It wasn't until her sophomore year that they diagnosed her as having ADD. She had trouble focusing and concentrating. Medication helped and the school allowed her to take tests alone with a proctor so she wasn't distracted. She ended up on the Dean's List, went on to finish a two year MA program in one year and is now successful in her job.

Anonymous said...

Grumpy...Marcus Claiborne isn't as smart as your friend. FACT.

Hockey defensemen are actually very smart. They are smarter than the forwards on average I would say.

Good topic.

--Drew

GMoney said...

They may be book-smarter than forwards, but happily blocking Zdeno Chara slappers is DUMB AS SHIT.

We appear to have touched a nerve with Grumpy today. I'm always pushing the envelope here, peeps! You and Drew tend to send me links via email. They usually just get deleted. I may have a learning disability.

I'll just say it again, I'm glad that the kid has fought through a mental block but he's about to become a multi-millionaire so fuck him sideways.

The Iceman said...

I know that Claiborne was a stud in college, but I have to side with G$ on this one. NFL offensive and defensive playbooks are literally hundreds of pages thick and being successful hinges directly on how well you know that playbook. In a sport where you absolutely have to know your assignments I'm not sure if I want to invest millions of dollars into a guy who may struggle absorbing that information.

It sounds terrible and unfair but I think that we've leared up to this point that life isn't fair. I mean, NASA isn't running out and hiring me tomorrow. Learning disability or not, the fact remains is that I'm just not smart enough for that job. If the NFL is a business like everyone says it is, why should intellect be viewed any differently?

GMoney said...

We gettin' philosophical up in he-uh!

My big issue is this: The Wonderlic tests your ability to handle pressure and stress apparently. MoCla got a 4. He has a learning disability. That literally changes nothing. That isn't an excuse for not being able to handle pressure and stress.

The Iceman said...

"Claiborne exclaimed that "haters" will have to do more than criticize his test scores to bring him down, adding a smiley face and a row of dollar symbols."


It's nice to see Claiborne handling this in a grown up and professional way $$$$$$$$$$$$.

And I read this which I found to be interesting...

"It has been reported that Claiborne suffers from a learning disability, which his agent, Bus Cook, has denied. After originally reporting Claiborne's low score on the test, profootballtalk.com did some digging and found that players with such disabilities are accommodated if a request is made in advance. It is not known if Claiborne sought such accommodation."

So does he, or does he not have a learning disability?

Anonymous said...

Iceman....HE DOES...BECAUSE GRUMPY'S "FRIEND" HAD ONE TOO! DON'T YOU GET IT?!?!

Not that anyone gives a fuck, but with taht audio release today Gregg Williams is never coaching in the NFL again.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't draft a player who had a learning disability. As I typed this I came up with a cool shortened version for learning disability as it relates to sports teams: LIABILITY (god, i'm smart). Would you want to draft someone who blows an assignment then comes sulking off the field with the excuse, "Sorry coach, I didn't know what play you called because I cant read the names, only X's and O's."

I don't care if the guy can bench press a Buick and rob a liqour store and be half way down the block by the time the silent alarm is hit. If he lacks the cognizant skills necessary to pick up people/plays on the fly, then fuck him, let the Browns draft him. Oh, wait.

Ide

MuDawgfan said...

1. Anytime someone mentions The Mikan Drill, they have my immediate attention.

2. I think (depending on the system) you could add MLB to that list. I had a couple of classes will All MAC MLB Terna Nande and that motherfucker could hardly read.

3. I think its a total waste of time trying to equate speed tests like the Wonderlic with Football Smarts. Claiborne is asked to read and react and he does it very, very well.

4. If reaction under pressure and critical thinking were requirements in the NFL, the list of players who wouldn't make it would be as long as Highway 75. And the name at the top of that list would be Deon Fucking Sanders.

The Iceman said...

"If he lacks the cognizant skills necessary to pick up people/plays on the fly, then fuck him, let the Browns draft him."

Are you secretly in the Browns war room on draft day and we never knew this until today? This sounds precisely what they do every single year.

But at least Cleveland hasn't had 3 guys arrested for pot in the last 4 months. Leshoure's recent arrest just cracks me the fuck up. You get busted with pot and your first reaction is to reenact the opening scene from Super Troopers? LOLZ!

The Iceman said...

"Claiborne is asked to read and react and he does it very, very well."


There's also light years difference between the pro game and college game as far as speed and scemes go. As complex as college football is, it's kindergarten compared to the NFL...which is why so many "studs" flame out. They can't handle the information overload. Look at Vernon Gholston...perfect example. The dude was unblockable in college and had one job...maul the QB. And he was the best at it when he played for Ohio. Dude gets drafted 6th (I believe) and all of a sudden he's asked to learn how defensive schemes work and an entire new playbook is thrown at him. Now he's rotting on someones practice squad because he's too stupid to figure shit out. I just know that if I'm an owner, I'm not investing my money into a guy that has trouble learning.

Grumpy said...

When Marcus Claiborne makes the Pro Bowl we're all going back to Barley's. Ummm, sauerkraut balls.

GMoney said...

Yeah, the list of football players that can barely read is hilariously lengthy. I'm sorry, LEMPHY. But most of those guys just don't fund reading to be a necessary skill.

Yeah, Gregg Williams is TOTES fucked. Those tapes are the best though.

MIKAN DRILL!

GMoney said...

It's MORRIS Claiborne, not Marcus, so does that mean Barley's is on you again???

Brady said...

I don't give a shit if Claiborne has a learning dissability or not. A fucking 4 is pathetic and I don't want him anywhere near the Browns sideline. If his condition was that bad, how the hell did he make it through a college semester? I'm looking at you LSU admissions. I want ESPN to launch a full investigation into this and lead Sportscenter with it for at least 2 months.

There are definitely credible learning dissabilites out there but ADD is over-diagnosed in this country. I had numerous friends fake that shit in high school just to get their hands on some Ritalin. Fucking doctors/therapists think you can fix everything with a pill. It's sad really.

I agree with G$'s list mostly because he was a teenage sex symbol.

Anonymous said...

Claiborne definitely can't count to potato.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I think most of you are over thinking this.

- Media digs this up so they can talk football

- It means nothing, just some over analyzed media bullshit

- I'd still sit him on the corner of my team (As we just pointed out you only have 2-3 things to learn)

- If you wanted to draft only smart players you'd have about 4 people on your team.

PAY DA MAN HIS MOOONEEY

- J Saul

GMoney said...

I like how this has morphed into Brady attacking the practice of medicine in America. Outstanding! I BLAME OBAMACARE!!!

Prime99 said...

I'm glad above 6'6" is stupid because I just barely made the cut. I do a mean Mikan drill, though.

The way Hoffman phrased playing first base made me think that he'd occasionally keep two feet on the bag which is a hilarious visual.

There's a girl in my Accounting classes that sucks. Don't know if she's dumb or what, but she's clearly not doing well. The other night she was talking to our teacher after class and said, "I'm not good at multiple choice tests, or true/false, or written tests." My teacher responded with, "So what test are you good at taking?" I wanted to give him a standing O.

GMoney said...

Oh man, Prime, you should have stuck around because that was about to get pornographic.

Teacher: So what tests are you good at taking?
Chick: ORAL.
(slurp, slurp, gobble, gobble, old man moan, skeet)
Teacher: Oh, I think I can give you an A based on your extra credit.

It happens all the time.

Brady said...

I had never heard of the term "skeet" until I started reading Deadspin. I don't know if I led a sheltered childhood at Anthony Wayne or what. Now I use the term daily and my wife still doesn't know the meaning which is awesome. I like to use it during dinner conversation and while watching TV just to piss her off. I live a sad existence.

Brady said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brady said...

"We need to decide how many times we are going to bang Frank Gore's head" is my favorite Gregg Williams comment today.

Prime99 said...

Get all skeet, skeet mothafucker!!!

I like where your head is at G$ but this girl is not cute. Sadly, I think my teacher could pull better extra credit poon than her. I would allow the Russian Cat Killer to get a piece, though.

The Iceman said...

"We've got to do everything in the world to make sure we kill Frank Gore's head. We want him running sideways. We want his head sideways."

This was my favorite followed by

"We need to decide whether Crabtree wants to be a fake-ass prima donna, or he wants to be a tough guy. We need to find out. He becomes human when we fuckin take out that outside ACL."

Mr. Ace said...

Last night I was driving down Ohio ave(the hood) and had a prostitute come up to my window and ask me if I was hooking.i said no and then she asked me for a cigarette. I told her smoking was bad...but made no mention of the prostitution.

Anonymous said...

Easily the worst and most irrelevant story about prostitution ever.

Ide

GMoney said...

I guarantee that Crabtree decided to be a fake-ass prima donna.

Didn't know about skeet? Were you the one guy that didn't watch Chappelle in the early 2000's then???

Brady said...

I did watch Chappelle and I loved it. Dancing STD's, cocaine is a hell of a drug and all that. I guess I just didn't connect the dots or wasn't listening (probably stoned). I'm guessing I would probably score a 3 on the Wonderlic. Maybe Claiborne could tutor me.

The Iceman said...

http://www.nicholascreative.com/footballiq/

There you go, Brady. Have at it chief. I scored a 30 and am smarter than Peyton Manning.

GMoney said...

Will anyone fucking score today???

It's nice to see CabrERRORa getting his first of 100 already.

Brady said...

Masterson strikes out the side to start the season! Fuck yeah boy!

The Iceman said...

I love Indians fans this time of year. So God damn cute.

Brady said...

Lay off Ice. Let me be happy before we are 10 games out in mid June. Dick.

Prime99 said...

I'm at jury duty this afternoon and they just put on RUDY! Good choice, Sac County.

Prime99 said...

To clarify, this is in the waiting room. Not like a judge just decided to interrupt a trial with Sean Astin.

GMoney said...

That would be some quality judging right there.