Monday, April 30, 2012

NFL Draft G$s and Duts

My in-laws were at the Mansion this weekend.  I barely helped my father-in-law paint a room in the house because I'm lazy and awesome.  I found out that it is my mother-in-law who keeps Rizzoli & Isles on the air.  But most importantly, THEY realized that turning off the NFL Draft is a topic that should not be addressed.  They showed up on Friday night and were forced to watch the entire third round of the draft.  I did not ask if they wanted me to change the channel.  They had ONE option: Kiper.  I love me.  I'm such a terrific family member who excels at selflessness.

So today I'll hand out my G$s (winners) and Duts (losers obvz) from the 2012 NFL Draft.  This isn't a difficult concept to follow although I'm quite certain that I am the only internetting writer doing this today.

Dut - Ron Jaworski.  Yes, I was a bit surprised with the Redskins draft Kirk Cousins in the 4th round.  But I knew that taking a second QB was probably going to happen because John Beck is SHIT.  I was not expecting them to take a guy in the 4th round though.  Apparently, neither did Jaws who was extremely quick to declare a QB CONTROVERSY in DC.  Let me tell you something, Jaws, you are fucking stupid and I hope that you get pussy cancer.  There is NO controversy at all here.  We love RG3.  He is our guy.  Even if he goes 1-15 next year, it will not matter.  Considering that the demography for Redskins fans is about 98% black, no one is going to be clamoring for Kirk fucking Cousins to become the starter.  NOBODY.

First of all, since when was Kirk Cousins good?  His biggest weakness is that he can't throw a ball more than 20 yards.  His only STREMPH is this perceived leadership.  If he was black, he would not have been drafted.  FACT.  But people seem to love him so why not try to groom him for a few years and then hope that he tears up the preseason and another team wants to trade a second rounder for him down the line.  It worked with Matt Schaub and Cassel and Kolb.  Everyone calls Bill Belichick a fucking genius when he pisses away a pick on Ryan Mallet but now a multiple Super Bowl winning coach is stupid for doing the EXACT same thing?  FUCK YOU, RON.  You know nothing.  Nice job getting fired from Monday Night Football.  Go watch more Arena League tape and break down more garbage that no one cares about.  Asshole.  You are wrong.  WRONG I SAY!

G$ - Redskins and Colts.  We won't waste a lot of time on this because these are obvious.  Good job by these two awful teams to take care of the most important position in the game.  I don't really care for the Colts drafting two tight ends, but there is a reason why we don't work in front offices.  It's because most of these guys no way more than we do.

Dut - Pete Carroll.  He has no idea what he is doing.  At least he drafted Russell Wilson in the third round much to Jon Gruden's delight.  Not Racist Gruden went on a pretty tremendous rant about how awesome Wilson is even though Mel and McShay kept reminding him that QBs under 6 foot tall have a zero percent success rate.  It was great.  And I was TOTES coveting Russell Wilson's wife.  She is tremendous.

G$ - The Steelers.  Goddamn these guys.  They just seem to have perfect fit players fall to them.  Obviously, them taking Mike Adams in the second round is HILARIOUS and AWFUL, but they did well everywhere else.  I like the pick of Sean Spence only because it reminds of Jeff Gilooly co-conspirator, SHANE STANT!

Dut - Lions.  If you recall, I hated their draft last year and, so far, I was right on about that.  Fairley was underwhelming, hurt, and high.  LeShoure has no knee.  Titus Young takes precious passes away from Tron.  I didn't like this draft either as it pretty much ignored the glaring deficiencies on defense (secondary and linebacker).  Reiff was a solid pick but they didn't really have another choice.  Despite Iceman's crush, Ryan Broyles was a total waste.  Why are you adding receivers still!!!  I get the whole BPA philosophy (which is why Cousins is a Skin) but eventually you need to worry about other things than the passing game which needs no more help.

G$ - Eagles.  Dammit.  Excellent job by this loathsome franchise to greatly improve that rotten front 7 on defense.  Nick Foles is fucking terrible though.

Dut - Browns fans.  You don't know anything about football.  You need to come to grips with this.  When you trot out your "perfect scenarios" for the Draft, you only show the world how retarded you are.  This sort of applies for every fanbase actually.  If your team drafts a RT that you've never heard of before and ignores the receiver from the SEC, THEY ARE RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG.  They watch tape while you just watch highlights while drunk.  Those dumbasses that are all like "DURRRR Brandon Weeden is a bazillion years old and we got fleeced by the Vikings" are the worst. 

G$ - Dolphins.  I actually thought that they did really well with Tannehill and Jonathon Martin.  You could do a lot worse than Martin and Jake Long as bookend tackles.

Dut - 49ers.  It took less than a year for Jim Harbaugh to start smelling his own farts and letting his ego destroy him.  With Crabtree, Moss, Manningham, Vernon Davis, and Kyle Williams already in the fold, where exactly does AJ Jenkins fit in?  And why are you drafting a third down back in the second?  This team was not THAT close to a Super Bowl title.  Those were terrible picks.

BIG FUCKING G$ - Bengals.  I don't know how they keep doing it.  Between the rotten ownership and minuscule scouting staff and employing John Cooper, the Bengals should not be drafting really well for the third straight year.  They flat out WON this weekend.  I didn't even like the Dre Kirkpatrick but it didn't matter because everything else that they did was amazing.  They got a great guard, two very fine DTs, Mohamed Sanu (who can play), and Orson Charles who will compliment Gresham very, very well.  I can't believe that I'm going to say this but the Cincinnati Bengals are a year or two away from being a legit Super Bowl contender.  I mean it.

Well, let me have it.  Challenge me on my Cousins rationale and Bengals love if you must, but know that you will not win these arguments.  Before we go, how about Ron Zook!  Dude may be an awful coach, but he can recruit his ass off.  4 players in the first 3 rounds!  ELITE!  Hail Zook!

39 comments:

Grumpy said...

I love Mike Adams. Steelers had him off their board, he drove to Pittsburgh, met with the brass and agreed to their demand that he get counseling. He did all they asked and they are giving the kid a second chance. Look up the video of his reaction to being drafted by his boyhood team. He and DD will solidify the Steelers OL for years.

Bengals>Super Bowl>hilarious.

GMoney said...

Well, the Bingles have been to TWO of them before. There aren't that many weaknesses on that team now. A lot of STREMPHS.

I'll let Drew paste Grumpy's quote from a week or so ago about Mike Adams...

Second chances are for people that have earned them, not guys that hang out at bars with Dut, love smoking weed, and get out-benched at the combine by punters. By the way, ask any Ohio State fan if they will miss Adams. They won't. He is an underachiever.

Grumpy said...

Drew doesn't need to look up my previous comments regarding Adams. I didn't want him based mostly on G$'s observations, which I trust. Based on the back story of his actions leading up to the draft and his reaction to being a Steeler, I'm willing to wait and see.

Anonymous said...

Grumpy is such an idiotic Steelers slappy. Here is Grumpy's EXACT quote from over a week ago...

"Mike Adams thankfully will now not be a PittsburgH Steeler. Already questions about his work ethic, now this. "

Spin it however you want, but you are as high as Mike Adams if you think he had some Come To Jesus moment after that failed test. You realize he has been getting in trouble with weed since his FRESHMAN year right? The Steelers weren't the only team he begged to draft him either....his agent sent a letter to EVERY team saying they would defer half of his signing bonus to his second year in exchange for giving him a second chance. It honestly wouldn't surprise me if he fails a drug test his rookie year.

As for the Lions...I give us a solid B. I believe we drafted 3 CB's, so I'm not sure where you came up with us not addressing that. Also, getting LB Ronnell Lewis was a STEAL. Iceman does love him some Broyles. I'm happy with the Broyles pick for the sole reason that it means the Nate Burleson Era is almost over...and he's by far my least favorite Lion.

Also, this is my new favorite Lion....

New #Lions CB Jonte Green on wearing No. 1 at NMSU: 'If you have No. 1 you is the No. 1 person on the team.'

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I've since calmed down on the Viking fleecing, if it did go the other way, we would all have sandy vaginas, but I'm not calming down on the Weeden pick. Now, this is where my logic gets a bit dicey, so bear with me.

Going back on what I said last week, DeCastro was the absolute right decision, with Hill at 37. Last year when Gash Hillis was sitting out games because his pussy agent told him to, they had to rely on Blackname Hardesy. That obvz turned them into a very one dimensional team, forcing McCoy into a really bad year, ended by that rapist. With some half assed gimp running draw plays, defenses could literally sleep on our run and just watch for screens and slants. Playing defense on our receivers is akin to playing backyard football and letting the awful player run down field alone because you're tired, knowing he will drop the pass or flat out not catch it. If he does, god forbid, make a catch, you just shrug your shoulders.

I'm not saying McCoy is our savior, or even that good. But, I am saying this: Give him DeCastro, Hill, and Trent, and I will take him right now over Old Man Weeden and Schwartz and that felon from the U.

Like I said last week, I'd rather him have played out this year with that aforementioned cast. If he won a lot of games, then we could shore up our other weak areas next year, if not, then we could go balls deep for Barkley.

Ide

GMoney said...

Mike Adams' Come To Jesus moment was actually a Cum On Dut moment. At da club of course. I would have had more respect for Adams (I had and have none) if he owned up to his shit like a man and not begged everyone associated with football to give him an 8th chance. He already got a 2nd-7th chance with Tress. Dude is a turd.

I just didn't like taking a receiver in the second round. Trying to make it right by taking 3 low round corners is like me saying "BYE BYE DeAngelo, we just got two 7th round corners!".

I almost forgot to LULZ at the Jags for drafting a punter in the 3rd round. Classic!

Anonymous said...

Here's the thing G$. The Lions drafted a CB in the 3rd round. In between the Broyles pick and the Lions pick only 3 CB's got taken. One could reasonably assume that if the Lions already passed on those guys...then the CB they drafted in teh 3rd round is in their minds as good as the ones that they passed on in between....and they got Broyles. So, I don't think it's that bad. I can see not being enamroed with them taking a WR in the 2nd...but, they stuck by tehir board.

How about NATE EBNER going in the 6th round to NE? Cray Cray.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Dammit! Why didn't I comment earlier? I was gonna lead with the punter bit. What a stupid fucking move. Jacksonville is the most poorly run franchise. Unless you're Kevin Milius, you hated that punter pick.

Broyles is going to be a stud for two reasons. First, he was a god damn beast before that ACL injury. And dont cower behind that injury. ACLs aren't a big deal anymore now that doctors can make people into robots or something, Second...Broyles autocorrected in the IPad is Brothels. ELITE!

Weedon doesn't have a chance in Cleveland. The entire fan base already hates him and he hasn't taken a single snap. This experiment is going to be a fucking grease fire.

The Iceman said...

Drew, plus Broyles has more talent than Burleson and Young combined. Let's not forget this guy would've been a first round pick if not for that knee injury. And most importantly, like you mentioned earlier, that means you don't have to let Burleson steal money from the organization anymore.

The Lions don't need corners when they plan on just out scoring everyone this year.

Anonymous said...

Iceman's boner for Broyles is somewhat odd....but, I dig it.

I like Titus Young. He's got some swag and started making some big catches at the end of last year.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I guess if Schwartz just came out and said "I drafted Ryan Broyles because I can't wait to cut Nate Burleson" then I would love the pick.

I'm sorry but who is Nate Ebner and why should I care about him?

Browns 3rd round pick DT John Hughes from UC went to high school at Gahanna Lincoln. I did some digging to see if he played for the great Johnny S. Alas, he did not. The Snizzity still lacks an NFL product.

Go figure that stupid Browns fans would already hate the new QB. Worst fans on the planet.

So are we just going to ignore the Tigers getting the bagels beaten off of them this weekend? CC showed what a real ace pitches like. Although I should be thanking you white trash Goosetown residents for finally ridding us of Freddy Garcia.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, should we Browns fans be enamored with a guy who looked like his blind date turned out to be morbidly obese? Youtube that draft pick. His cut scene said it all. Fuck him.

I give two shits about baseball talk, but to reiterate previous comments, I did notice CC pitched like a real ace. So did Dut. He was on the receiving end of a jail rape last week. 9-1 and first place.

Thrones is really picking up steam after last night. That would be tits if that shadow guy blew into King's Landing and murdered Joffrey.

Ide

GMoney said...

Jesus Christ, I just read Peter and can everyone please stop overreacting to Kirk fucking Cousins already. IT WAS A 4th ROUND PICK. How many 4th rounders (and below) actually amount to anything above special teamer? After the third round, you are just taking fliers on guys. This is not a big deal AT ALL. Goddamn, these guys act like Cousins is the next Tom Brady when he's more likely to be the next Craig Krenzel.

No, dumb Browns fan that proved my stereotype by including your "wish list", you have every right to be pissed I suppose. But those boos should be directed at the sumo wrestlers running your team and not the new fucking QUARTERBACK. Idiot. Guess what? Not every player on Mel's Best Available list fits the scheme and needs of your team. You are worse than Joffrey. I hope that some midget slaps you today.

Anonymous said...

G$...I remember you making a similar comment after a Yankees/Tigers regular season series last year. Too bad it's the regular season...cuz' you guys TOTES can't knock the Tigers out of the playoffs.

Nate Ebner is a walk-on OSU football player that NE drafted in the 6th round. He never even played football before walking on to the OSU team. He's a pimp ass rugby player that turned into a special teams demon. I doubt he even played more than 5 snaps ever on defense. Great story.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Those boos are 100% directed at the walruses that run the team. The guy clearly doesn't want to be there. Guess what? His resume is spotted enough to warrant the same reaction from the fans.

"*Uh, who nailed Weeden at 22 to the Browns? THIS FUCKING GUY DID. I'm going to need time to process this because they left ELITE OL on the board to grab the grown man. Why are DeCastro and Reiff dropping this far. Those are two great players!"

This was from Friday's post. If you're smart enough to call it out, then you're smart enough to understand our frustration. That Alan Tudyk (look it up) look s like had more of a look of distaste then I can remember anyone having on any draft day. He couldn't have looked more enthusiastic if he were watching his mom get gang beaten in Compton. Again, fuck him. And yes, fuck the Browns for drafting him.

Ide

GMoney said...

I took the time to process (as I said I would) and I like it. Weeden looked pumped. What's the problem?

I'm not overreacting at all, Drew. In fact, I watched zero of the series. All I know is that your Most Valuable Pissboy has been nothing but average against us the last handful of times he's taken the mound. That's all. No one treats regular season baseball games with less importance than I do. But I'm not glib enough to ignore that if you won 2 of the 3, you wouldn't be flapping your labia today. Nah, not buying that.

Anonymous said...

Ide, what the hell are you talking about? Are you saying Weeden wasn't excited to be picked by the Browns? It sure looked like he was to me. With all of your word games, I can't figure out what the fuck you are trying to say.

Most Browns fans are idiots. I have come to realize this. It sucks to be lumped in with them. They will be forced to eat crow when Weeden becomes ELITE.

-Damman

Mr. Ace said...

Russ Wilson's wife was horrifying. There is a GIF out there somewhere of her that is the best.

That Cousins pick was terrible. Rounds 4-7 are not for just taking fliers on guys. If that were the case the Burfict kid from ASU would have been the first pick of round 4. The Eagles drafted Boykin in the 4th which was GREAT value. But our draft was elite.

Nick Foles sucks.

The Niners were THAT close to a Super Bowl.

The Iceman said...

Weedon wasn't pumped to be picked by the Browns. He was pumped to be picked in the first round. He would have reacted that way even if the Seahawks or Jags took him.

I don't know how valid this story is, but I want to think it's totally valid. Rumor has it that when Jacksonville moved past St. Louis to grab Blackmon, it sent Jeff Fisher into a spiraling fit of rage in the war room that ended with him spiking his glasses onto the table. Even if this isn't true, I'm treating it like it is.

GMoney said...

Maybe "fliers" wasn't the right word but you aren't getting starters there (for the most part). Look, I wouldn't have made that pick and it warrants mention but it doesn't ruin anything.

If the NFL owners and their collusive ways gets upheld and the Skins receive that salary cap hammer then they are going to have to cut costs somewhere. It looks like backup QB is one of those places.

GMoney said...

I'm glad to see that Iceman and Ide have morphed into Brandon Weeden's psychologist capable of reading his true thoughts that lie beneath his physical actions. You guys are just awful.

Brady said...

I'm not real thrilled with the Weeden pick but he HAS to be better than McCoy right? They probably reached for him at 22 but I have no problem with it if he turns out to be a 5 year starter.
I like his arm strength and size. He definitely LOOKS the part more than Ol' doe eyes does. I'm not going to crucify the guy until I see him on the field. After all, this is the best part about being a Browns fan. The months before the season where my imagination and faith have already turned him into a Pro Bowler that leads us to the playoffs in year one.

Indians still in first place. Our pitching staff and two out hitting has been ELITE so far.

The Iceman said...

So you're saying that if any other team would have drafted Weedon in the first round it would have been a deadpan look on his face?

It's common fucking sense, dick fungus. A guy who was projected to be a second to third round pick just went in the first round. Now...I'm just spit ballin here, but it seems to me that it wasn't that the Browns drafted him, it was that he beat the projections and accomplished a goal in his life of being a 1st round NFL draft pick. But again...I'm speculating here as it's a HUGE reach thinking that anyone eligible for the NFL draft ever had dreams of being a 1st round selection.

Please don't try to argue this. You're wrong and you know it.

GMoney said...

Of course he's pumped. HE JUST GOT DRAFTED. I doubt that he cared where he went. The fact that he has already been told that he is THE MAN tells me that he hearts Cleveland. While 99% of the world wanks at the notion of the Browns, my guess is that Weeden is jacked that he is already the best QB since Kosar.

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21EqrlFkKtg

I get youtube at work because I am ELITE. Now go to 1:50 on the video when he gets drafted. Yeah, that is the pure look of enthusiasm right there. Steve the Pirate looks like like he is thinking, "are you fucking kidding me?"

Keep in mind, I was actually at the draft, not at home watching it. I noticed this while trying to hear if my "FUCK YOU'S" made it live. So, if there was something on ESPN/NFLN that I missed, then sorry 'bout it.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Tenor comments from a speech this past weekend....

"As hard as it it is to say this, I have to say I am a fan of THE Ohio State University."

"If I was a betting man I'd have to say Ohio State is probably going to win a national championship with coach Meyer."

--Drew

The Iceman said...

That shot was on a delay, Ide. It happened several times with other players after Weedon was drafted.

"I'm glad to see that Iceman and Ide have morphed into Brandon Weeden's psychologist capable of reading his true thoughts that lie beneath his physical actions. You guys are just awful."

So that means you agree with me then?? You're all over the place today.

Anonymous said...

This is such a dumb argument. Are we really arguing over his state of mind at the time of being drafted?

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Ahh, well then, I didn't see his reaction, if that's the case. I'd go on to chastise ESPN/NFLN about their editing, but that's old hat.

GMoney said...

Your argument basically comes down to, "He did not celebrate in a way that is fitting to my standards". This might be the dumbest argument of all time. For future reference, all Browns draft picks must celebrate in the same manner that Pacman Jones did way back when with all of his family members acting like they were at The Apollo. Don't you fucking dare be poised or Cleveland will HATE you.

Seriously, are you even listening to yourself? I would say that you're the dumbest person here today but just look at the first sentence of the first comment:

I love Mike Adams.

Kirk Cousins said...

You totally undervalue leadership. Buy my jersey...

GMoney said...

Sorry to doubt you, Kirk. Those 10 points that you scored against Ohio this year were breathtaking.

Anonymous said...

Love how Ape's boy toy Eric Page went undrafted.

G$ is right...as awful as this whole Weeden conversation between the mouth breathing Browns fans is....Grumpy had the dumbest comment of the day.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Oh! Drew, I was umping yesterday and some kid on one of the teams was named Joseph Tenor. I wanted to thank him for the ribs and Steeler-beating but I thought that that might be weird.

Mr. Ace said...

Eric Page=Wes Welker!!!

...I think Grumpy still wins.

Grumpy said...

Who's going to step up and buy me ribs when Mike Adams makes the Pro Bowl?

Ace broke a finger jerking off at work. Thought you should know.

The Iceman said...

I saw Page's mom yesterday at a benefit dinner. She looks like Kirby Puckett below the waist. Don't worry, Damman...I knew you would be interested so I got her number for you.

Prime99 said...

Wow- hard to get in here with anything of value with all this dumb Browns talk- however, Iceman might be in trouble with the NBA playoffs... Hawks win game 1, Rondo likely suspended, and if they win they likely will face a Rose-less Bulls. Hawks to the East finals? Scary fucking thought.

The Iceman said...

First...rondo isn't the most important player on that team. Which is why Ainge has been actively shopping him for 2 years. His suspension isn't as crippling as people want to believe. Second...its not that I believe in the Celtics talent. I believe more in the Hawks ability to underachieve and blow a series.