Tuesday, April 17, 2012
By the time you all read this I'll be buying illegal drugs from some Mexican immigrant in Fort Worth, Texas. Just have to find a way to loosen the 'ol turd cutter so I can smuggle them back. Just kidding...the dealer is actually American born. Unfortunately this trip is 100% business related so I won't have a chance to wake up from a tequila bender hogtied, covered in poop, wearing a slutty Han Solo outfit while slowly coming to the realization that I was just sold on the Mexican black sexual market.
As most of you know, I'm super gay for the NFL draft. I squeal like a little piglet every time I think about it. Why, you ask? Because I was doomed from infancy to cheer for a perennial fucking loser whose organization cares more about limited edition Cracker Jack prizes than improving the team. For douchebags too dumb to move on...like me...the draft gives hope that one day the Browns will fuck up and accidentally draft some good players to build around. I mean, eventually this team will be good again, right? In the meantime at least I have Mike Polk Jr. to keep me happy and entertained. And since I'm feeling pretty fuckin generous today...a little something for all you Cavs fans out there as well.
So that brings us to this year's draft and some thoughts I have on the entire draft weekend. This should be a nice little warm up to G$'s annual MoneyShot mock draft. And if he didn't have an annual mock draft post...he does now because of what I just wrote. You're welcome.
-Todd McShay is a fucking loser. Every year that passes I just start to hate this guy more and more. And it's real, pure hatred too. How can someone with so little to offer in terms of anything draft related be delegated so much responsibility? It's just negligent and careless. It's like letting a fucking 4 year old drive you to work in the morning or insisting the dog make you breakfast. Why is there a turd in my coffee, McShay?! BAD MCSHAY!! He's not helping his cause with me by doing everything in his power to convince the Cleveland brass to pull the trigger on Ryan Tannehill at 4. STOP IT ALREADY, MCDICKLICKER! You know these guys can be talked into just about anything.
-Michael Floyd is going to be a terrible pro. This is a FACT. He's slow...at least he looks slow to me. He's from Notre Dame. And he's seen James Clausen's naked blonde pubed wiener. Or at least what he's passing off as a wiener these days. Would you spend a first round pick on a guy like that? The only way I can see Floyd being any good is if you soak all the balls in low grade rum before the game. Like the shit the hobos drink. You know that fuckin drunk won't drop a single one of those passes. Want to know what Floyd's NFL career will be like? See: Tai(n)t, Golden.
-What is the God Damn deal with the Ryan Tannehill meteoric rise? I'll tell you exactly fucking what. It's McShay taking a page out of the Mel Kiper "I love Joe Flacco for absolutely no reason" memoir published only a short time ago. It was penned with Kiper semen. Remember when Kiper was all horny and rabid for Joe Flacco's unibrowed penis head inside his anal cavity? Well, I do. At the time I was willing to wager my 401K that Kiper was related to Flacco in some weird West Virginia "my mom accidentally (wink wink) married her first cousin" kinda way and was looking to score on some of that rookie signing bonus. Baltimore let Kiper talk them into Joe Flacco and now they're stuck with him in order to save the embarrassment of letting the truth out. The truth that Kiper bamboozled them. Tannehill is going to hold some lucky team hostage in the same exact way.
-Dre Kirkpatrick will get arrested at least once in his first NFL year. Don't believe me? Check this shit out.
"Kirkpatrick was arrested back in January for possessing a small amount of marijuana while he was a passenger in a vehicle being driven on the wrong side of the road."
LOLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!! I'll pass, thankyouverymuch. I'd rather go for Morris Claiborne where the only off the field issue I'll have to endure is someone having to read the menu for him at team meals.
-Someone out there is going to take a chance on Ryan Broyles and that same team will be lucky they did. If you remember, Broyles blew out his knee around October-ish (I believe) and has been rehabbing it in preparation for the draft. Since that was /counts on fingers/ roughly 6 months ago, he should be fully healed by the time training camp starts. This guy was a GOT DAMN beast at Oklahomo and should have a real chance to contribute from day one in the right situation. No one is even mentioning this guy right now but if not for an ACL tear he could have been a 1st or 2nd round pick. It's just crazy to me that guys like Stephen Hill will be drafted before Broyles.
-Reaching on a guy based out of "need" is such a fucking dumb thing to say/do. That's all I've been hearing the last couple of years. "Well, Bill...(insert any bottom feeder team here) seem to have monumentally fucked themselves and reached a bit using their 1st round pick for a guy we had projected to go in the 3rd round, but HEY! They DID have a need at that position. Sooooooo *fart noise." If a guy doesn't have first round talent...then don't fucking draft him in the first round. I mean, is that too fucking simple for people to understand? Who gives a hairy horse shit if someone else beats you to this guy and he doesn't make it back to you in the 2nd or 3rd round? Let someone else fuck up and waste a pick on someone who is probably a terrible player anyway. I have a serious need for a bag of jelly beans that needs to be addressed...but I'm sure as shit not going to use the last of the gas in my car and pay $20 for one if that's all that's currently available. I can wait until next year for jelly beans. Blond jelly beans from SoCal with a smile that can make your mom's pussy melt!
That's about all I've got. What do you assholes think? Overrated and underrated guys? I would love another one of those debates. They're G$'s favorite! I think the Browns take Richardson at 4 and let Blackmon be someone else's headache/PR nightmare. We know who the Skins are taking since A) Dan Snyder almost went bankrupt making the move and B) we can see G$'s RG3 boner from outer space. Sound off on your favorite team. Drew? Do the Lions take another dipshit with an insatiable thirst for THC? What about you, Prime? Who does Jay Cutler get to lather up in the showers come August? Since the Steelers can't draft "The Ben" again Grumpy, who do you want to see America fucking loathe for the next decade while being a cheap shotting fuck in black and yellow? Who's the next member of the most LOLest dream team in the history of dream teams, Ace? Discuss. Now if you'll excuse me I have some drugs to purchase and Mexicans to beat up. YEE HAW MUTHERFUCKERS!