Tuesday, April 17, 2012

NFL Draft Dick Tease

          "I will run your ass over and make many, many babies.  In that order."




By the time you all read this I'll be buying illegal drugs from some Mexican immigrant in Fort Worth, Texas.  Just have to find a way to loosen the 'ol turd cutter so I can smuggle them back.  Just kidding...the dealer is actually American born.  Unfortunately this trip is 100% business related so I won't have a chance to wake up from a tequila bender hogtied, covered in poop, wearing a slutty Han Solo outfit while slowly coming to the realization that I was just sold on the Mexican black sexual market.

As most of you know, I'm super gay for the NFL draft.  I squeal like a little piglet every time I think about it.  Why, you ask?  Because I was doomed from infancy to cheer for a perennial fucking loser whose organization cares more about limited edition Cracker Jack prizes than improving the team.  For douchebags too dumb to move on...like me...the draft gives hope that one day the Browns will fuck up and accidentally draft some good players to build around.  I mean, eventually this team will be good again, right?  In the meantime at least I have Mike Polk Jr. to keep me happy and entertained.  And since I'm feeling pretty fuckin generous today...a little something for all you Cavs fans out there as well.

So that brings us to this year's draft and some thoughts I have on the entire draft weekend.  This should be a nice little warm up to G$'s annual MoneyShot mock draft.  And if he didn't have an annual mock draft post...he does now because of what I just wrote.  You're welcome.

-Todd McShay is a fucking loser.  Every year that passes I just start to hate this guy more and more.  And it's real, pure hatred too.  How can someone with so little to offer in terms of anything draft related be delegated so much responsibility?  It's just negligent and careless.  It's like letting a fucking 4 year old drive you to work in the morning or insisting the dog make you breakfast.  Why is there a turd in my coffee, McShay?!  BAD MCSHAY!!  He's not helping his cause with me by doing everything in his power to convince the Cleveland brass to pull the trigger on Ryan Tannehill at 4.  STOP IT ALREADY, MCDICKLICKER!  You know these guys can be talked into just about anything.

-Michael Floyd is going to be a terrible pro.  This is a FACT.  He's slow...at least he looks slow to me.  He's from Notre Dame.  And he's seen James Clausen's naked blonde pubed wiener.  Or at least what he's passing off as a wiener these days.  Would you spend a first round pick on a guy like that?  The only way I can see Floyd being any good is if you soak all the balls in low grade rum before the game.  Like the shit the hobos drink.  You know that fuckin drunk won't drop a single one of those passes.  Want to know what Floyd's NFL career will be like?  See:  Tai(n)t, Golden.

-What is the God Damn deal with the Ryan Tannehill meteoric rise?  I'll tell you exactly fucking what.  It's McShay taking a page out of the Mel Kiper "I love Joe Flacco for absolutely no reason" memoir published only a short time ago.  It was penned with Kiper semen.  Remember when Kiper was all horny and rabid for Joe Flacco's unibrowed penis head inside his anal cavity?  Well, I do.  At the time I was willing to wager my 401K that Kiper was related to Flacco in some weird West Virginia "my mom accidentally (wink wink) married her first cousin" kinda way and was looking to score on some of that rookie signing bonus.  Baltimore let Kiper talk them into Joe Flacco and now they're stuck with him in order to save the embarrassment of letting the truth out.  The truth that Kiper bamboozled them.  Tannehill is going to hold some lucky team hostage in the same exact way.

-Dre Kirkpatrick will get arrested at least once in his first NFL year.  Don't believe me?  Check this shit out.

"Kirkpatrick was arrested back in January for possessing a small amount of marijuana while he was a passenger in a vehicle being driven on the wrong side of the road."

LOLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!  I'll pass, thankyouverymuch.  I'd rather go for Morris Claiborne where the only off the field issue I'll have to endure is someone having to read the menu for him at team meals.

-Someone out there is going to take a chance on Ryan Broyles and that same team will be lucky they did.  If you remember, Broyles blew out his knee around October-ish (I believe) and has been rehabbing it in preparation for the draft.  Since that was /counts on fingers/ roughly 6 months ago, he should be fully healed by the time training camp starts.  This guy was a GOT DAMN beast at Oklahomo and should have a real chance to contribute from day one in the right situation.  No one is even mentioning this guy right now but if not for an ACL tear he could have been a 1st or 2nd round pick.  It's just crazy to me that guys like Stephen Hill will be drafted before Broyles.

-Reaching on a guy based out of "need" is such a fucking dumb thing to say/do.  That's all I've been hearing the last couple of years.  "Well, Bill...(insert any bottom feeder team here) seem to have monumentally fucked themselves and reached a bit using their 1st round pick for a guy we had projected to go in the 3rd round, but HEY!  They DID have a need at that position. Sooooooo *fart noise."  If a guy doesn't have first round talent...then don't fucking draft him in the first round.  I mean, is that too fucking simple for people to understand?  Who gives a hairy horse shit if someone else beats you to this guy and he doesn't make it back to you in the 2nd or 3rd round?  Let someone else fuck up and waste a pick on someone who is probably a terrible player anyway.  I have a serious need for a bag of jelly beans that needs to be addressed...but I'm sure as shit not going to use the last of the gas in my car and pay $20 for one if that's all that's currently available.  I can wait until next year for jelly beans.  Blond jelly beans from SoCal with a smile that can make your mom's pussy melt!

That's about all I've got.  What do you assholes think?  Overrated and underrated guys?  I would love another one of those debates.  They're G$'s favorite!  I think the Browns take Richardson at 4 and let Blackmon be someone else's headache/PR nightmare.  We know who the Skins are taking since A) Dan Snyder almost went bankrupt making the move and B) we can see G$'s RG3 boner from outer space.  Sound off on your favorite team.  Drew?  Do the Lions take another dipshit with an insatiable thirst for THC?  What about you, Prime?  Who does Jay Cutler get to lather up in the showers come August?  Since the Steelers can't draft "The Ben" again Grumpy, who do you want to see America fucking loathe for the next decade while being a cheap shotting fuck in black and yellow?  Who's the next member of the most LOLest dream team in the history of dream teams, Ace?  Discuss.  Now if you'll excuse me I have some drugs to purchase and Mexicans to beat up.  YEE HAW MUTHERFUCKERS!

26 comments:

Grumpy said...

Brandon Brooks, OL, Miami. Second round pick. Best OL you never heard of. D'onte Hightower in Round 1; perfect ILB in the 3-4.

God, please don't stick me with Mike Adams from Ohio. He's useless. Even Drew will back me on this.

Anonymous said...

Grumpy, players do exist outside of the MAC.

I'm completely not sold on Tannehill at all, either. This is a guy who was mentioned sparsely on ESPN throughout the season, and really wasn't that great. His supporting cast may have been ass, but in my opinion a top rated quarterback needs to have plenty of signature wins throughout a career to warrant this much hype. Southside Russell fooled the league into a top pick with having amazing athletic abilities, as did Flacco. Then again Al Davis would draft any colored with a modicum of skill (/wave Heyward-Bey). If the Browns take him, that may be the final straw for me.

I love Richardson at 4. I'm always a little questionable with injury prone running backs, like Adrian Peterson. The window is so small to win with these guys, and if we don't have the skill set around them at WR, then why waste it? I do think our OL will keep him out of the backfield most the time, so it's all about his durability in between the tackles.

I do like Blackmon a great deal at 4 as well, but who is throwing to him? A team can only run so many quick slants and bubble screens before teams catch on. Cribbs still has some useful years, and I think Greg Little will be a very reliable 2 guy down the road (hopefully this season), we just need that top guy, and unfortunately, in this draft, Blackmon may be the only one really available to make an immediate impact.

I'm actually comfortable with our defense. They did well enough last season that if our offense was even on their level we would have won 4-5 more games. The Browns will continue to reach during the later rounds to get that hidden gem. As per usual, they will fail horribly. But, I do see us around 3-4 key players away from making a decent run.

Ide

GMoney said...

Good topic today...

First of all, I could not agree more with you regarding McShay. HE IS SHIT. I have no fucking clue why ESPN thought that they needed a second draft expert when their #1 is ELITE already. And McShay is not an expert anyway. Mel and Todd's on-air battle about Tannehill was terrific. Like always, McShay was 100% wrong.

Joe Flacco thinks that he's the best QB in football. The Ravens drafted him at like 18 or 19. KIPER WAS RIGHT!!!

It's very humourous to me that the Browns have liked or hated pretty much everyone in the draft. EVERYONE. It's hard to say what they will do because no one available at 4 is going to make them relevant anyway.

Ryan Tannehill sucks. He was the 5th best QB in the Big goddamn 12 last year and now he's all of a sudden a top 4 pick SOLELY because he throws well on the run. That's it. That is his only positive. So if you have a horrendous OL, draft this guy.

The fact that people are whispering that the Browns should take TanneLOL at 4 makes me even happier that we traded up to get Redskins Griffin III. He is going to be soooooo good. And hey, guess what, you Browns fans will get to see the new look and ELITE Skins this year LIVE!

The Lions and Janoris Jenkins are a match made in Hell.

You're damn right I will be releasing my annual mock draft next Thursday. It will be way better than McShay's.

Grumpy said...

I mentioned one MAC player. What's your problem with that?

Anonymous said...

Fuck Tannenhill. I don't believe the hype one bit. He will blow Iceman cocks (small tiny ones).

Grumpy...I don't think Mike Adams is "useless". I would NOT want my NFL team to use a 1st rounder on him, but I think he's a fine 2nd round pick. He was actually very good the last two years when he decided to care about football...he was very bad his first two. I don't think he has the right mindset to be ELITE, so he's not a good 1st rounder.

I don't know who I want the Lions to take. I'll say whoever is better...the best Tackle or best DB left at that point. Preferable one that does not have a weed smoking past, but I'm willing to look past that...unless it's Janoris Jenkins.

The Browns should take Trent Richardson...stud.

I actually do think Michael Floyd will be pretty good.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

I read if Richardson isn't there at 4, the Browns are going after Claiborne. Everyone already knows how I feel about having someone who reads on a 3rd grade level in the secondary.

Hightower to the Steelers would be infuriating. Just another stud linebacker to cave in whoever happens to be out QB's dick for the next 12 years. Sounds fun.

I want to see Kiper make McShay cry on air and I will not rest until I get that.

GMoney said...

Drew, I'm with you, I think that Floyd will be very good as well. But I also believe that footballs should be soaked in low grade rum.

It would be a very Browns thing to do to ignore the fact that RBs have such a small value and take one at 4. Granted, T-Rich is a stud and all, but you know, just talking to the Browns staff probably gave him a staph infection or a motorcycle accident or his patella tendons exploded.

I guess that if I'm Holmgren and have to address this horrible situation that I helped to create, I'm taking Claiborne at 4 to give me the best corner tandem in the AFC. Give me David Wilson or Doug Martin (or maybe Lamar Miller) at 22 and Stephen Hill or Mohamed Sanu (or best WR available) at 37. Either way, go WR and RB with 22 and 37. But what do I know, I'm just the finest football mind on the planet. I have the DFL Fleshlight to prove it.

Either way, DO NOT TRADE BACK. You have 13 picks already, you don't need more. Start drafting already, you earned that #4 pick. Don't let someone else take it. Draft quality, not quantity.

Anonymous said...

I'm just ready for the draft to get here. I'm tired of reading Tony Grossi mock drafts and the constant hype on ESPN which has made Tannehill a lot of money.

I did want Blackmon at 4, but he went on a radio show in Cleveland yesterday and laughed at Colt McCoy and had to be pretty much badgered by the host to admit that he even visited Cleveland. While I don't blame him at all for these antics, he's not the kind of guy I want anymore. T. Rich and 4 and the best available WR at 22 is how I would go.

-Damman

Prime99 said...

What did Browns fans do when they don't exist in the mid-late 90s? Was it easier or harder on you?

Richardson or maybe Blackmon is the pick at 4. Tannehill is awful and should not get that kind of investment.

I have seen a lot of possibilities for the Bears. For awhile, I was sure Michael Floyd was their guy, but they solidified WR with a woman puncher and Devin Thomas. Perhaps solidify I the wrong word, but they arent drafting a WR. Best available O-line or D-line is likely.

Prime99 said...
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MUDawgfan said...

Fact. Don't trust black players who have braces. It's as iron clad as Money Ball.

Last black guy with braces to get drafted was LaVar Arrington, total bust.

GMoney said...

WHOA! Lavar ended Troy Aikman's career! He had some good years in DC but he was saddled by injuries, not poor play.

Prime, if you are counting on Devin Thomas then you are as intelligent as Sam Hurd. I know from experience, dude, that guy is a special teamer only.

I thought that Grossi got fired for being a dickhead to the Browns? Why is he still writing about the Browns?

Here are two guys that I've got my eye on for different reasons:
LOVE - Washington RB Chris Polk who is just as good as (if not better) than Wilson and Lamar Miller
HATE - Florida International WR TY Hilton only because Cowherd loves him. That is the kiss of death right there

Anonymous said...

Grossi did get fired by the Plain Dealer. He's with ESPN Cleveland (with Bruce Hooley) now. Also, he's still on STO. So he's still sticking it to the Browns on other outlets.

-Damman

Prime99 said...

I'm relying on Devin Thomas as a 4th or 5th receiver. My point wasn't that he's good, my point is that the Bear aren't drafting a WR in round 1.

Prime99 said...
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GMoney said...

Prime, your Devin Thomas-loving ass will be happy to know that I am crafting my piece on riots right now. And if for some reason Michael Floyd falls to the Bears, you're full of shit if you think that they pass on him.

Bruce Hooley was right about everything by the way. Why has he not sued anyone yet???

Anonymous said...

Bruce Hooley was not right about everything and nothign changes the fact that he's a murderer that I hope dies in a car crash to pay for his own murdering ass.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

I'm more worried about Matt Forte's contract than the draft for the Bears. As long as they don't magically end up with Tannehill, I'm good.

GMoney said...

By the way, Drew, I keep forgetting to mention this but I'm sorry to hear that shockingly entertaining Bobby Carpenter left the Lions to join the Patriots. A scrappy white guy in New England...he's going to be treated like a GOD.

Anonymous said...

I was sad to see Bobby go as well. He's nothing more than mediocre, but it was still fun to have him on the team. He seemed to like it there as well.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Bobby Carpenter and Danny Woodhead are destined to be best friends.

The last time the Browns passed on a stud RB in the draft he turned out to be LaDainian Tomlinson. I don't want to live 10 more years watching Richardson bull doze people knowing Cleveland passed on him. He's an every down back and he's strong as a fucking ox. We need a fucking offensive playmaker already.

Brady said...

I will go on a murderous rampage if the Browns pick Tannehill. I mean did anybody pay any attention to this guy at all during the season? The way guys shoot up the board in March and April is crazy. I want nothing more than to watch him squirm as the picks keep passing him bye (ala Brady Quinn).

I too was on team Blackmon for most of the offseason but the more I think about it, the less I want him. The fact he basically laughed at Cleveland yesterday sealed the deal (although I can't blame him). It's got to be Richardson. Just his presence in the backfield should open up the passing game for Massaquoi (LOL) and Little.

If they took Claiborne, I could live with it. You don't need a PhD to be a corner. There are just so many other needs on offense. I really don't want to see them do it.

GMoney said...

Demetrius Update!!!

He opened the show today but chastising Antonio Cromartie's ELITE reproduction skills. Oh, and he called him Antonio "McCarty" somewhere around 6-7 times. HE IS THE BEST!

GMoney said...

He's not going to fall that far unless every team colludes into making McShay look like an asshole, but if for some reason Tannehill takes a Quinn-like homo-fall to 22, the Browns pretty much HAVE to take him, right? Just like they sort of HAD to trade up with Dallas to take "Now I'm Done".

I feel like 22 is a good spot to take a flier on a QB with raw skills that just need some work from the great offensive minds of Shurmur and Childress.

Yeah, you guys are fucked.

Brady said...

If he fell to #22, then I would seriously consider taking a flier. Even then it's a gamble. This a a deep draft and there will be plenty of talent at #22 that can help right away. I have faith in Heckert to make the right call. He hasn't let us down yet. I really think he is a good GM but it takes awhile to build a team from the pile of shit he inherited

The Iceman said...

Fuck that. Why waste 22 on a guy who may never see the field? This is how i see things...the Browns are gonna suck again this year, right? Chances are they could suck to the point where they'll be in a position to get BonerLover Barkley. Whats wrong with that scenario?