Tuesday, April 24, 2012
If you remember (and you probably don't) back in January, I wrote an NBA post that was about as popular as watching two obese rhinos gorge themselves at a Golden Corral. In that post I made some ELITE predictions so I figured what better way to warm up to the NFL draft then by revisiting said ELITEness. I will now grade myself with either a very robust Bill Raftery "ONIONS!", or humbly admit defeat with a "MuDawg Shit Sandwich Special".
First item on the agenda: Don't be fooled with what Atlanta is doing. They WILL be the 4th seed in the playoffs and they WILL get knocked out in the first round. That's what happens when you go into the season with the exact same average roster for the past 5 years.
Result: As far as we can tell...ONIONS! 38-26 with a power grip on the 5th seed. I would say I pretty much nailed that prediction...unless you really believe Atlanta has the sack juice to slide past Boston in round one. And if you believe that I have a bag of magic beans to sell you. And by a bag of magic beans I mean a bag filled with dog shit with the words "Magic Beans" crudely inscribed by my 12 year old cousin. I urge you to just ignore whatever fucktard argument any Atlanta fans form. Just know that the only time Atlanta beat Boston this year was when Jesus Shuttlesworth, Jelly Tits and Kevin "I'm the second biggest pussy behind Carmelo Anthony" Garnett didn't play. Sounds promising.
Item number two: Bold Prediction: 76ers make the Eastern Conference Finals.
Well, OBVZ we'll have to wait and see how this plays out but I'm going to give myself a preemptive "MuDawg Shit Sandwich Special" on this pick. Philly TOTES went fuckin rogue on me right around the All Star break. I should have known a team that relies so heavily on Andre Iguodala wouldn't be able to deliver. Landing Chicago in the first round almost guaranSHEEDs their early exit. Even if the Fighting Underbites are able to overtake the LOLest super team Knicks for the 7th seed, Philly still gets the honor of getting their buttholes split to the bottom of their balls by G$'s three favorite studs. Either way, it's safe to say Philly's fucked.
Item number three: Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant are going to have it out again on national TV before the season's over.
Yep. "MuDawg Shit Sandwich Special'ed" the shit out of that one. Man...I was sure this power struggle was going to unexpectedly spring up again like a turd jail breaking from your anus. I was sure as sure as I am that Iguodala can chew through a phone book in under 10 seconds. I think this childish feud is more Westbrook than Durant, though. Rusty (I just decided that all Russell's are now Rusty's) seems like the guy who puts way too much emphasis on being "the guy" where Durant just wants to win. I was puzzled when OKC shelled out the cash for Rusty because now they have a piece that is nearly impossible to trade if shit gets all 4th grade in the locker room. And it could. MAN, there's a lot of poop metaphors going on here.
Item number four: Who comes out: The Heat. Only because I want Lebron to win a title with all my heart. Life just isn't the same without all the Lebronx James Facebook hatred.
Similar to Drew's recent AIDS test, we have to sit back, wait and hope for the best. But I think I'm closer to an "ONIONS!" on this one considering the sudden weak state of the Eastern Conference. Derrick Rose has a barrage of nagging injuries, Carlos Boozer is a 30 year old with bacne, Indiana has Tyler Hansbrough, Dwight Howard had surprise season ending back surgery...because that's what scumbags do, and the rest of the East is a moist fart. I don't think the Heat could have it any easier which makes me smile.
Item number five: The Timberwolves make the playoffs
"MuDawg Shit Sandwich Special"...although if Rubio doesn't mutilate his knee the way he did I think this prediction is dead on. Injuries destroyed the T-Wolves this year and they were never able to properly compete once they started stacking up. The T-Wolves are a fun little team, though. Even if they do cosmic homo shit like this (love the visor, queer), there's always a LOL Darko moment to lighten the mood. And by lighten the mood I mean question whether Darko is minutes away from chasing a bottle of sleeping pills with Everclear. Nothing says "Go fuck yourself AND this interview" quite like gazing into the distance while half assing your way through no brainer questions. A+ work, my friend. If only he still had the Eminem hair.
Final item: Who comes out: Oklahoma City
Another wait and see prediction but I still think this team plays for the title, so "ONIONS!". James Harden getting brained by Metro Fuck Bag Shit Dick with an obvious blatant elbow doesn't help the Thunder's cause if Harden sits for awhile, but this team is pretty damn deep. Actual deep...not MuDawg's definition of deep as defined by this year's fucking terrible Atlanta team. Speaking of assholes, is there any question that Artest elbow was completely on purpose? His explanation of the whole thing and how it was a total accident brought upon laughter so heavy, I felt myself going hoarse. What a complete fucking jackass. I normally don't call for lifetime bans in a sport but I think it's time in this case. Artest is just a walking powder keg who's constantly juggling lit matches.
That brings the final count to 3-3. ELITE if I were the Atlanta Hawks. I suppose .500 isn't too bad...especially since most of you probably don't even give a shit. Whatever, we're all just biding time until Thursday anyway, right? Right. In the meantime I'm gonna go watch that Artest elbow again. LOLZ! "Just DISGRACEFUL!!!" Awesome.