Tuesday, April 24, 2012

MAN! I'm Tired of Being Right!

                "It's to keep aliens from reading my thoughts.  Made it myself!"

If you remember (and you probably don't) back in January, I wrote an NBA post that was about as popular as watching two obese rhinos gorge themselves at a Golden Corral.  In that post I made some ELITE predictions so I figured what better way to warm up to the NFL draft then by revisiting said ELITEness.  I will now grade myself with either a very robust Bill Raftery "ONIONS!", or humbly admit defeat with a "MuDawg Shit Sandwich Special".

First item on the agenda: Don't be fooled with what Atlanta is doing.  They WILL be the 4th seed in the playoffs and they WILL get knocked out in the first round.  That's what happens when you go into the season with the exact same average roster for the past 5 years.

Result:  As far as we can tell...ONIONS!  38-26 with a power grip on the 5th seed.  I would say I pretty much nailed that prediction...unless you really believe Atlanta has the sack juice to slide past Boston in round one.  And if you believe that I have a bag of magic beans to sell you.  And by a bag of magic beans I mean a bag filled with dog shit with the words "Magic Beans" crudely inscribed by my 12 year old cousin.  I urge you to just ignore whatever fucktard argument any Atlanta fans form.  Just know that the only time Atlanta beat Boston this year was when Jesus Shuttlesworth, Jelly Tits and Kevin "I'm the second biggest pussy behind Carmelo Anthony" Garnett didn't play.  Sounds promising.

Item number two: Bold Prediction: 76ers make the Eastern Conference Finals.

Well, OBVZ we'll have to wait and see how this plays out but I'm going to give myself a preemptive "MuDawg Shit Sandwich Special" on this pick.  Philly TOTES went fuckin rogue on me right around the All Star break.  I should have known a team that relies so heavily on Andre Iguodala  wouldn't be able to deliver.  Landing Chicago in the first round almost guaranSHEEDs their early exit.  Even if the Fighting Underbites are able to overtake the LOLest super team Knicks for the 7th seed, Philly still gets the honor of getting their buttholes split to the bottom of their balls by G$'s three favorite studs.  Either way, it's safe to say Philly's fucked.

Item number three: Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant are going to have it out again on national TV before the season's over.

Yep.  "MuDawg Shit Sandwich Special'ed" the shit out of that one.  Man...I was sure this power struggle was going to unexpectedly spring up again like a turd jail breaking from your anus.  I was sure as sure as I am that Iguodala can chew through a phone book in under 10 seconds.  I think this childish feud is more Westbrook than Durant, though.  Rusty (I just decided that all Russell's are now Rusty's) seems like the guy who puts way too much emphasis on being "the guy" where Durant just wants to win.  I was puzzled when OKC shelled out the cash for Rusty because now they have a piece that is nearly impossible to trade if shit gets all 4th grade in the locker room.  And it could.  MAN, there's a lot of poop metaphors going on here.

Item number four: Who comes out:  The Heat.  Only because I want Lebron to win a title with all my heart.  Life just isn't the same without all the Lebronx James Facebook hatred.

Similar to Drew's recent AIDS test, we have to sit back, wait and hope for the best.   But I think I'm closer to an "ONIONS!" on this one considering the sudden weak state of the Eastern Conference.  Derrick Rose has a barrage of nagging injuries, Carlos Boozer is a 30 year old with bacne, Indiana has Tyler Hansbrough, Dwight Howard had surprise season ending back surgery...because that's what scumbags do, and the rest of the East is a moist fart.  I don't think the Heat could have it any easier which makes me smile.

Item number five: The Timberwolves make the playoffs

"MuDawg Shit Sandwich Special"...although if Rubio doesn't mutilate his knee the way he did I think this prediction is dead on.  Injuries destroyed the T-Wolves this year and they were never able to properly compete once they started stacking up.  The T-Wolves are a fun little team, though.  Even if they do cosmic homo shit like this (love the visor, queer), there's always a LOL Darko moment to lighten the mood.  And by lighten the mood I mean question whether Darko is minutes away from chasing a bottle of sleeping pills with Everclear.  Nothing says "Go fuck yourself AND this interview" quite like gazing into the distance while half assing your way through no brainer questions.  A+ work, my friend.  If only he still had the Eminem hair.

Final item: Who comes out:  Oklahoma City

Another wait and see prediction but I still think this team plays for the title, so "ONIONS!".  James Harden getting brained by Metro Fuck Bag Shit Dick with an obvious blatant elbow doesn't help the Thunder's cause if Harden sits for awhile, but this team is pretty damn deep.  Actual deep...not MuDawg's definition of deep as defined by this year's fucking terrible Atlanta team.  Speaking of assholes, is there any question that Artest elbow was completely on purpose?  His explanation of the whole thing and how it was a total accident brought upon laughter so heavy, I felt myself going hoarse.  What a complete fucking jackass.  I normally don't call for lifetime bans in a sport but I think it's time in this case.  Artest is just a walking powder keg who's constantly juggling lit matches.

That brings the final count to 3-3.  ELITE if I were the Atlanta Hawks.  I suppose .500 isn't too bad...especially since most of you probably don't even give a shit.  Whatever, we're all just biding time until Thursday anyway, right?  Right.  In the meantime I'm gonna go watch that Artest elbow again.  LOLZ!  "Just DISGRACEFUL!!!"  Awesome.


Grumpy said...

Most of us don't give a shit. ONIONS.

The Iceman said...

C'mon, Grump. There's gotta be at least one guy in your McDonald's 5am coffee group that cares about this high brow stuff.

Grumpy said...

It's Dunkin' Donuts and nobody gives a shit.

GMoney said...

And they aren't guys, they are middle-aged women that ignore him.

Being on "stay-cation" this week, I've been privy to the usual 10 hours straight of ESPN programming which means all the Artest bullshit that you can stomach. Most people are calling for a 10 game suspension and then assholes like Cowherd wonder if it is too much. LOLWUT? What did Kermit Washington for hilariously knocking out Rudy T? It was a year, wasn't it? This was pretty much the same thing and Metta has that awesome track record of, you know, fighting fans in the stands. Ban him for life already. No one will miss him anyway.

That being said, the first guest on Conan tonight...Metta World Peace. CAN'T WAIT!

I read the Simmons Mailbag from Friday and he had that long blurb about who should play center for the Olympic team now that Duh-wight, Duncan, and Garnett are no-go's. This is easy: Tyson Chandler starts and does all the dirty work. You also bring Greg Monroe and Anthony Davis to play defense and do the dirty work when Chandler is in foul trouble or needs a blow. There. I got it done in one paragraph what it took Simmons forever to explain and he still insisted that KG should go. Ass.

Cavs are tied for 4th worst record with 2 to go. Tomorrow's game at home vs. the Wiz is YUUUUUGE!

MUDawgfan said...

Funny Story: I took a bus trip with a big group of friends down to Keeneland race track in Lexington this weekend.

Those of you who have never been, Keeneland is far better than Churchill Downs because no area is restricted (with the small exception of the owners suites). It's easier to get around and its a much cheaper GA ticket.

Well who should I see walking around with some UK fans? Consensus #1 recruit Nurlens Noel! He's easily spotted being the lone black guy there and over 6'10.

Despite this fact, the kid is absolutely terrified of horses. Different owners wanted him to pose with them and their horses at the paddocks and the only thing I heard him say was "Nah, Ain't trying to have that"

GMoney said...

A massive black guy afraid of horse cocks? DELIGHTFUL!

Anonymous said...

I don't think MUDawg knows what the word "consensus" means.
I also didn't think his story was funny.

Artest should get a nice fine and a whole playoff suspension.

Looks like the Pistons are pretty much gonna be locked into the # 9 pick...assuming not much lottery ball help. Still should get a nice player in this draft.

The Grizzlies is who I'm rooting for this year. Team Zeebo and Conley....hope they win it all.


The Iceman said...

"Despite this fact, the kid is absolutely terrified of horses. Different owners wanted him to pose with them and their horses at the paddocks and the only thing I heard him say was "Nah, Ain't trying to have that"

Ignore Drew. This could be the best thing you've ever written.

The Pistons need to harness some 2003 magic so they can nab one of the top spots only to waste the pick on an 18 year old foreign guy with bleach blonde hair who speaks broken English at best.

G$...that is exactly why I stopped reading Simmons. His Boston homer bias is teeth clenchingly frustrating to read. No matter how banged up and old the Celtics get he always throws them in the ELITE category able to win a title when in reality they are good enough to advance just one round in the playoffs. I just can't take reading his Boston deep throats any chance he gets anymore.

BJ Mullens said...

I'm free all summer if Team USA is looking for a stud Center. Just have to get a refund on my Brickyard 400 tix first...

MUDawgfan said...

Drew I'm quoting ESPN with their use of the word.

Was I incorrect? Is someone rated higher than Nurlens? Serious question.

Grumpy said...

See any $1,000 hand shakes at Keeneland?

Anonymous said...

Way off topic here but I have nothing to add to an NBA topic. Did anyone see that Bartolo Colon threw 38 consecutive strikes last week in his start against the Angels? That is fucking incredible.


Anonymous said...

MUDawg...it's roughly 50/50 depending on the raking service on Noel or Shabazz Muhammad (UCLA).

Iceman...did you forget about when MUDawg called into an Atlanta sports radio station to go off on Herbstriet? THAT is the by far the best thing he's ever written.


The Iceman said...

Ahhh yes. I stand corrected. Thank you for reminding me of that ELITE brow beating, Drew.

GMoney said...

Byron James, you seem like more of a NASCAR truck series fan to me. But then again, maybe once you got off welfare, you graduated to the superior league of racin'.

You guys are wrong. Dawg is a consistently underrated commenter. Not quite ELITE, but better than most.

The wife is bringing home the digital camcorder tonight which means that the internet will be flooded with fleshlight tutorials tomorrow and then maybe my Big Bro audition tape could be completed, too.

Anonymous said...

You would totally win a spot on the show if you had your light sitting in the background of your audition...

I also mispelled your legal name on the envelope as well, but I see you didn't find that as funny as my ebonix....

For those who want a gem, this is why my street credit has gone way up since moving to the D:

- J Saul