Tuesday, April 03, 2012
You assholes asked for it...so you assholes get it. LIVE BLOG MOTHERFUCKERS! And by you assholes I mean G$ since he reminded me I could take the easy way out this week with a live blog for this Championship game inbreeding fest. Let's stop feeling each other up and get right in it.
9:03 - Not gonna lie...pretty sweet intro. Call me gay (GAY!!!!!) but I really like the song by Fun, "We Are Young". It's too bad I'll hate it in 3 months after network TV straps it to the rape stand.
9:04 - On a 55' TV, Anthony Davis' choppers look like a fucking bear trap.
9:10 - God's trying to wipe New Orleans out again with a massive thunderstorm. Further proof the Lord despises all things white trash. Seth Davis gets introduced and waves to the camera like a fucking fag. First time on TV, Seth? He proves his royal gayness by making a joke about Kentucky making it "rain".
9:13 - Bill Self's pregame speech sounds like he's lecturing in a stats class. Kansas is fucked. Nice shot of some black dude on Kentucky doing the ceremonial "Black Guy in a Circle of Black Guys" dance. No game is complete without it.
9:14 - Predictions: Barkley- Kentucky. Kenny Smith - after going back and FORFF all night he lands on Kentucky. Seth Davis pauses from sending out tasteful photos of his balls long enough to enlighten us with - Kentucky. Greg Anthony goes the opposite way and picks Kansas. No one gives a shit about Greg Gumbel's choice since he knits during the game instead of watching it.
9:18 - What. The fuck. Was that shit?! Just when I thought no one could destroy the National Anthem more than Steven Tyler, in comes The Fray to homosexualize the entire country in two glorious minutes.
9:23 - Introduction time. Kentucky looks half asleep during the intros. On purpose or a tale of things to come?
9:27 - Kansas wins the tip and I do the Bill Raftery "MANTOMAN!!" out loud. I get a look from the GF like I'm a mental patient.
9:30 - Terrance Jones...good start, loser. Getting fuckin packed by a white guy followed with an impressive air ball. Kidd-Gilchrist gets murdered and does his best Paul Pierce impression by acting like he was just shot with a Gatling gun at a range of four feet. Tied at 5.
9:35 - TRACK MEET!!! This game has Kentucky written all over it. Anthony Davis has been a God damn beast so far blocking everything within a 10 foot radius. He looks like a fucking octopus out there. I have $20 that says Davis can scratch his knees without bending over.
9:40 - Kansas is getting beat the fuck up. Davis just literally caught Withey's shot attempt. Withey is ironically close to Whitey. The GF just suggested that we watch the women's National Championship game. I responded with a four minute fart noise then threatened to move out.
9:45 - Kentucky has white players? Total mind blower. There's a lot of forearm shivering going on that isn't getting called. I like that the refs are swallowing their whistles for this game. This is how a NCG is supposed to look.
9:50 - NEW BLACK GUY WORD ALERT!! Lemph. Thank you Clark Kellogg for your contributions. Mark Jackson salutes you. By the way...Jimmy Fallon is a colossal taint.
9:55 - Keep showing Jones ankle twist so I can keep swallowing mouthfuls of my own vomit. Thanks CBS.
10:00 - I don't care how gay it is...I would let Anthony Davis smack me in the face with his wiener if it meant he was a Detroit Piston next year. The kid is unfuckingbeliveable. He's easily been the best player on the floor so far...and he hasn't scored a single point yet. 31 - 19 Kentucky 7 minutes left to go.
10:03 - Julie Boeheim's face looks like it's made out of soap. And it's shinier than my shaven nuts. Glad they showed the Boeheim's so we could remember to hate them daily for being lower than dick cheese.
10:08 - Kentucky up 16 with 3:33 left. This game is dangerously close to being over already. Just as I suspected...Marquis Teague's brother is Jeff Teague. Also known as the greatest point guard to ever play according to MuDawg.
10:18 - Halftime. Kentucky up 14 and Thomas Robinson is about the only guy on Kansas that decided to show up tonight. While everyone fluffs Kentucky I'm gonna do us all a favor and go find some candy while giving my crotch a rest from laptop heat.
10:40 - Second half begins. Hopefully Kentucky colon blows this game wide open so I can play some Mario 64. Tubby Smith's wife is wearing a shirt that has fucking belts for shoulder straps. I'm stunned he wasn't complimenting that outfit with a suit tailored from bed sheets purchased in the 70's.
10:43 - Withey just set white guys back 20 years with that dunk brick. Now no one will take us seriously when it comes to athletics.
10:52 - First point for Anthony Davis. Wow. Just shocking.
10:53 - Steal by Davis and dunk by Terrance Jones. It's too early to call it but Kansas is on life support. I can't wait for Calipari to punch a hooker with his Championship ring.
11:00 - The Iceman jinx is on! Kansas within 10. Clark Kellogg has said "thrust" way too many times tonight for my comfort. I just envision him dry humping Steve Kerr like a newly neutered dog during commercial breaks.
11:05 - I've never understood this. Help me out, Seal...if Davis was a guard up until his Senior year, why doesn't he shoot more from the perimeter? I would think he probably has a fairly wet jumper. Lead back up to 14.
11:14 - Tweet of the night goes to my buddy Matt. "I need a Teddy Ruxpin doll and a tape of whale calls to replace Todd McShay." Brilliant.
11:15 - Back to the action. Seven minutes to go and Kentucky is up 12. Missed layup, missed layup, out of bounds, Kentucky ball. I'm pretty sure I've never seen Terrance Jones make a free throw...until now.
11:19 - First Anthony Davis FG and first Jim Nantz pre-nut. Jesus Christ...Tyshawn Taylor's mom going ghetto ballistic after that 3 ball. I'm pretty sure she pulled a prison shank out of her pussy bush and started waving it around like a state flag. Heads up...Kansas only down 9 with the ball and four to go.
11:26 - Probe, thrust, loose, friction?! Is this a basketball game or a fuckin snuff film? Clark Kellogg cannot decide...but he brought his nipple clamps just in case shit gets hairy and sexual down the stretch.
11:28 - Kentucky up 7 with less than two to go. Robinson to the line after a circus shot rims out. Pretty impressive effort. Have I mentioned that Robinson is already built for the NBA? Well...he is. Kentucky looks scared out there.
11:30 - Less than a minute to go and Kansas commits a costly turnover after an ELITE block by MKG. Now we find out if Kentucky can convert their free throws. Calipari teams have always sucked at free throws...and following NCAA guidelines...and being likable.
11:35 - Kansas down 6 with 40 seconds left and no time outs left. Releford just fouled out so he can get a head start on washing that forehead in the locker room. That thing has got to be high fucking maintenance, man.
11:37 - YOOOOOOOGE turnover on the travel. Anthony Davis is TOTES the MOP of this game and Kentucky can taste it. Over. Calipari wins his first title and Iceman wins 70 of other people's dollars on the heels of a furious bracket comeback. Who is that fat guy they just showed? Random fatties always make me giggle.
Well...it looks like the slimy, turdy, used car salesman finally won a title. I guess it was only a matter of time before Cal cheated his way to a championship that will get shamefully ripped away in five years. Good thing too because half that team is jetting for the NBA next year to get fuck loads of cash that will aid in horrible life choices. It'll be like Boogie Nights...only with black dudes. Enjoy your Tuesday while I enjoy Ide and Lange's money. Get fucked everyone, I'M OUT!