Tuesday, April 03, 2012

LIVE! From My Bedroom

"I can promise pussy holes this tight if you accept my cash offering and play for me."

You assholes asked for it...so you assholes get it.  LIVE BLOG MOTHERFUCKERS!  And by you assholes I mean G$ since he reminded me I could take the easy way out this week with a live blog for this Championship game inbreeding fest.  Let's stop feeling each other up and get right in it.

9:03 - Not gonna lie...pretty sweet intro.  Call me gay (GAY!!!!!) but I really like the song by Fun, "We Are Young".  It's too bad I'll hate it in 3 months after network TV straps it to the rape stand.

9:04 - On a 55' TV, Anthony Davis' choppers look like a fucking bear trap.

9:10 - God's trying to wipe New Orleans out again with a massive thunderstorm.  Further proof the Lord despises all things white trash.  Seth Davis gets introduced and waves to the camera like a fucking fag.  First time on TV, Seth?  He proves his royal gayness by making a joke about Kentucky making it "rain".

9:13 - Bill Self's pregame speech sounds like he's lecturing in a stats class.  Kansas is fucked.  Nice shot of some black dude on Kentucky doing the ceremonial "Black Guy in a Circle of Black Guys" dance.  No game is complete without it.

9:14 - Predictions:  Barkley- Kentucky.  Kenny Smith - after going back and FORFF all night he lands on Kentucky.  Seth Davis pauses from sending out tasteful photos of his balls long enough to enlighten us with - Kentucky.  Greg Anthony goes the opposite way and picks Kansas.  No one gives a shit about Greg Gumbel's choice since he knits during the game instead of watching it.

9:18 - What.  The fuck.  Was that shit?!  Just when I thought no one could destroy the National Anthem more than Steven Tyler, in comes The Fray to homosexualize the entire country in two glorious minutes.

9:23 - Introduction time.  Kentucky looks half asleep during the intros.  On purpose or a tale of things to come?

9:27 - Kansas wins the tip and I do the Bill Raftery "MANTOMAN!!" out loud.  I get a look from the GF like I'm a mental patient.

9:30 - Terrance Jones...good start, loser.  Getting fuckin packed by a white guy followed with an impressive air ball.  Kidd-Gilchrist gets murdered and does his best Paul Pierce impression by acting like he was just shot with a Gatling gun at a range of four feet.  Tied at 5.

9:35 - TRACK MEET!!!  This game has Kentucky written all over it.  Anthony Davis has been a God damn beast so far blocking everything within a 10 foot radius.  He looks like a fucking octopus out there.  I have $20 that says Davis can scratch his knees without bending over.

9:40 - Kansas is getting beat the fuck up.  Davis just literally caught Withey's shot attempt.  Withey is ironically close to Whitey.  The GF just suggested that we watch the women's National Championship game.  I responded with a four minute fart noise then threatened to move out.

9:45 - Kentucky has white players?  Total mind blower.  There's a lot of forearm shivering going on that isn't getting called.  I like that the refs are swallowing their whistles for this game.  This is how a NCG is supposed to look.

9:50 - NEW BLACK GUY WORD ALERT!!  Lemph.  Thank you Clark Kellogg for your contributions.  Mark Jackson salutes you.  By the way...Jimmy Fallon is a colossal taint.

9:55 - Keep showing Jones ankle twist so I can keep swallowing mouthfuls of my own vomit.  Thanks CBS.

10:00 - I don't care how gay it is...I would let Anthony Davis smack me in the face with his wiener if it meant he was a Detroit Piston next year.  The kid is unfuckingbeliveable.  He's easily been the best player on the floor so far...and he hasn't scored a single point yet.  31 - 19 Kentucky 7 minutes left to go.

10:03 - Julie Boeheim's face looks like it's made out of soap.  And it's shinier than my shaven nuts.  Glad they showed the Boeheim's so we could remember to hate them daily for being lower than dick cheese.

10:08 - Kentucky up 16 with 3:33 left.  This game is dangerously close to being over already.  Just as I suspected...Marquis Teague's brother is Jeff Teague.  Also known as the greatest point guard to ever play according to MuDawg.

10:18 - Halftime.  Kentucky up 14 and Thomas Robinson is about the only guy on Kansas that decided to show up tonight.  While everyone fluffs Kentucky I'm gonna do us all a favor and go find some candy while giving my crotch a rest from laptop heat.

10:40 - Second half begins.  Hopefully Kentucky colon blows this game wide open so I can play some Mario 64.  Tubby Smith's wife is wearing a shirt that has fucking belts for shoulder straps.  I'm stunned he wasn't complimenting that outfit with a suit tailored from bed sheets purchased in the 70's.

10:43 - Withey just set white guys back 20 years with that dunk brick.  Now no one will take us seriously when it comes to athletics.

10:52 - First point for Anthony Davis.  Wow.  Just shocking.

10:53 - Steal by Davis and dunk by Terrance Jones.  It's too early to call it but Kansas is on life support.  I can't wait for Calipari to punch a hooker with his Championship ring.

11:00 - The Iceman jinx is on!  Kansas within 10.  Clark Kellogg has said "thrust" way too many times tonight for my comfort.  I just envision him dry humping Steve Kerr like a newly neutered dog during commercial breaks.

11:05 - I've never understood this.  Help me out, Seal...if Davis was a guard up until his Senior year, why doesn't he shoot more from the perimeter?  I would think he probably has a fairly wet jumper.  Lead back up to 14.

11:14 - Tweet of the night goes to my buddy Matt.  "I need a Teddy Ruxpin doll and a tape of whale calls to replace Todd McShay."  Brilliant.

11:15 - Back to the action.  Seven minutes to go and Kentucky is up 12.  Missed layup, missed layup, out of bounds, Kentucky ball.  I'm pretty sure I've never seen Terrance Jones make a free throw...until now.

11:19 - First Anthony Davis FG and first Jim Nantz pre-nut.  Jesus Christ...Tyshawn Taylor's mom going ghetto ballistic after that 3 ball.  I'm pretty sure she pulled a prison shank out of her pussy bush and started waving it around like a state flag.  Heads up...Kansas only down 9 with the ball and four to go.

11:26 - Probe, thrust, loose, friction?!  Is this a basketball game or a fuckin snuff film?  Clark Kellogg cannot decide...but he brought his nipple clamps just in case shit gets hairy and sexual down the stretch.

11:28 - Kentucky up 7 with less than two to go.  Robinson to the line after a circus shot rims out.  Pretty impressive effort.  Have I mentioned that Robinson is already built for the NBA?  Well...he is.  Kentucky looks scared out there.

11:30 - Less than a minute to go and Kansas commits a costly turnover after an ELITE block by MKG.  Now we find out if Kentucky can convert their free throws.  Calipari teams have always sucked at free throws...and following NCAA guidelines...and being likable.

11:35 - Kansas down 6 with 40 seconds left and no time outs left.  Releford just fouled out so he can get a head start on washing that forehead in the locker room.  That thing has got to be high fucking maintenance, man.

11:37 - YOOOOOOOGE turnover on the travel.  Anthony Davis is TOTES the MOP of this game and Kentucky can taste it.  Over.  Calipari wins his first title and Iceman wins 70 of other people's dollars on the heels of a furious bracket comeback.  Who is that fat guy they just showed?  Random fatties always make me giggle.

Well...it looks like the slimy, turdy, used car salesman finally won a title.  I guess it was only a matter of time before Cal cheated his way to a championship that will get shamefully ripped away in five years.  Good thing too because half that team is jetting for the NBA next year to get fuck loads of cash that will aid in horrible life choices.  It'll be like Boogie Nights...only with black dudes.  Enjoy your Tuesday while I enjoy Ide and Lange's money.  Get fucked everyone, I'M OUT!


GMoney said...

Good journal! I asked myself out loud a few times last night if Clark was saying "LEMPH" as well. I'm glad that I am not the only one. And I swear to God, if he comes back next year and still uses Dairy Queen'd, I'm going to scalp him.

I will try to answer your question about Anthony Davis and a jump shot. Nantz said last night that his high school team won 6 games his junior year and another 6 games his senior year so clearly Davis was a pretty terrible guard.

I would like to add this to the timeline:
11:10 - Holy FUCK! That's Brock Lesnar's music! HE'S BACK! HOLY SHIT BROCK JUST MURDERED JOHN CENA!!!

Question because I turned the game off as soon as it went to commercial and I don't watch One Shining Moment: Did Anthony Davis chew his piece of net off the rim?

By the way, it's hard not to root for Thomas Robinson (or T-Rob as I just decided to call him) after seeing that piece about his mom and grandparents all dying within a month of each other and him trying to get custody of his little sister. Gettin' a little misty up in here!

Congrats Seal!

Anonymous said...

That wasn't a comedy piece?

I laughed.


Anonymous said...

Good live blog Iceman.

Davis is indeed a beast.


Mr. Ace said...

Davis is a beast, but his back to the basket offensive game is horrible. The guy is an athletic freak yet he is trying to dropstep and do reverse layups against Withey? I'm sure it will develop, and I know he has very little experience being a BIG, but I was surprised to see that he couldn't over power Withey in the post.

But yeah, congrats on the vacated championship, Cal.

Grumpy said...

Excellent job Iceman. I hear Seal burned his couch.

Everyone here should know, Iceman is having dreams about me.

The Iceman said...

I think it's only fair that we call Withey Whitey from now on. It'

I want Clark Kellogg to get Dairy Queen'ed in prison by a man as large as T-Rob.

Sorry to inform you, but Davis did use scissors to cut the net. But afterwards he bit off Julie Boeheim's head and held it high for the world to see...just like the Predator.

The Iceman said...

It's true. Grumpy was in my dream last night...as the instructor of a Harry Potter class. Needless to say when I woke up this morning I felt like Ace Ventura after discovering that Einhorn was a man.

Grumpy said...

I don't know whether to be disgusted or sexually aroused.

Anonymous said...

I was listening to the Lexington Police Scanner feed online last night during the last five minutes of the game. It was great.

My two favorites...

*Tall, white bald male wearing a mask and jean shorts just broke the drive-thru window and stole money out of a register.

*Man standing on top of car is shooting a shot-gun into the air...he is still doing it.

I bet that thing was interesting to listen to until 6a.m.


GMoney said...

Drew, that is really sad and extremely awesome at the same time. That is some saavy foresight by you to to check the scanner.

Iceman dreams about going to Harry Potter class taught by Grumpy. Fag.

I'll tell you what, his offensive game needs work but I would take 6/16/6/5/3 every fucking day. The only jumper that Davis hit was awfully wet though. Much like MKG, he's only going to get better.

The important thing here is that Dut did not win the Damman Pool for the second consecutive year. At least I don't think that he did. He's a homo.

The Iceman said...

See if I get this right...Drew has a police scanner but doesn't have a Facebook? How sure are we that Drew isn't 80 years old? I mean, I know we've all met him before but they can do crazy shit with plastic surgery these days.

Anonymous said...

Iceman...it was a fucking link on the internet. People started posting it during the second half of the game when they were already beginning their fires. They actually had a police dispatcher telling the cops what the score was and how much time was left.

I forgot another good one...

"Black male seen cutting up a couch with a knife in the middle of the street". This one confused me. Is a cut up couch better for lighting on fire than one that is not cut up?


The Iceman said...

I agree with G$ on Davis...I would take that guy in a second. He's developed himself into a dominant 4/5 in only one year. Imagine the ceiling for this guy. I heard a Bill Russell comparison last night and kinda LOL'ed...but then I thought about it and realized that may not be far off.

MKG was impressive last night. But like I said...he needs to develop that jump shot.

Trust me...I wish that dream had never happened. I felt so dirty.

GMoney said...

Larry Brown AND Bob Knight both compared Unibrow to Bill Russell. I'm not sure if it was the real Larry Brown or the Larry Brown that manages Kahoots though.

Larry Brown also said that whoever drafts Davis will win FIFTY games NEXT YEAR. So I guess he isn't going to Charlotte then, huh? HE'S COMIN' TO BELIEVELAND!!!

I caught a glimpse of Anthony Davis's twin sister. Not bad, I figured that she would look like a poop. She does not. She looks fairly normal.

The Iceman said...

DAMMIT! I missed the twin sister sighting?! That's so depressing.

Dumars is too dumb to even begin thinking of a way to trade up to get Davis after the lotto balls put Detroit at the deadly fringe area of 7-10. He would probably shit his pants from thinking too hard.

GMoney said...

Prepare to LOL...

Apparently Morris Claiborne scored a whopping FOUR on the Wonderlic which obliterates Vince Young's epic SIX score.

Anonymous said...

Clainborne can't be that dumb...he just must be overflowing with "don't give a fuck".

Iceman...it would be dumb of Dumars to even think about how to trade up to the # 1 spot. The only way he could do it is if he traded Monroe AND Knigth for it. That's not happening, so I don't see why he should waste a second of looking into it.


The Iceman said...

Good point, Drew. It doesn't make sense for teams to covet Detroit's 7th pick for the next 4 years.

It's always an awesome time when athletes brick on something like the Wonderlich..but does that score really matter? Vince Young was still drafted 3rd overall despite his poop score.

We should administer a MoneyShot Wonderlich test to see where everyone stands as commenters.


Anonymous said...

I just looked at Grumpy's blog and read about how he had an epiphany while staring at some old ass oak tree in South Carolina. LOLz. What a fucking weirdo. I need to visit that thing every day now, if it's filled with gems like that.


Grumpy said...

Guy porking Dut calling me weird.

We need a Money Shot road trip to the Angel Oak. I'm telling you, once in the presence of that tree, you will be a changed man.

Grumpy said...

Also, ribs in SC are way better than in Columbus.

Anybody checked Dut's home? He's decomposing as we speak.

Anonymous said...

That wonderlic website crapped out on question 4. I think we crashed it.

GMoney said...


As of 1:05 pm this afternoon, Demetrius Stanley has announced that he will not acknowledge Kentucky as the national champion until 2017. He wants to make sure that there was no tomfoolery. He isn't the best for nothing, folks.

Drew, you really should be checking out his site more often. He chafes his shaft on old tree bark at least once a month.

Carolina BBQ is supposed to be better than Ohio BBQ. I take no offense to that. That's like saying that people in Ohio smell better than people in Mississippi.

Dut sent a mass e-mail from his phone this afternoon regarding his 2nd place finish in the Damman Pool. So I know that his phone works. He's just a lazy queer who has turned his inferior back on all of us. He is dead to me.

The Iceman said...

I scored a 30 on that Wonderlich test and the computer told me that I finished better than Peyton Manning. I still can't figure out if I should be proud of that or not...

Mr. Ace said...

The Angel Oak was featured in Ernest Scared Stupid. That is all.

Anonymous said...

What if Dut is cheating on this blog by commenting on another blog instead now? I'm pretty sure that if we used that as a defense for murder, that we would get acquitted.