Friday, April 06, 2012

I'm Smarter Than Cam and Other Stuff

A promotional still from "Buttman's Buttler Cabin Adventure"
I’ve written a lot of words this week so I’m going to sort of take it easy today. First of all, yesterday I decided to take that sample Wonderlic online that Iceman linked to. I’ve got to admit that it was much harder than I thought it would be. Then again, I haven’t taken a test in about a decade. A few of the questions had me sitting there going “wait—what?” The fact that it is timed, too, makes it even worse. I only answered 13 of the 15 questions in the allotted time (less than 4 minutes). I scored a 23 which I am not proud of but it is better than Cam Newton so where is my Heisman trophy and dirty booster money? I recommend everyone trying it out once. It sucks that it is not multiple choice. Bastards. Anyway, I’m just going to throw out a few topics today to hopefully facilitate conversation amongst you plebeians.

Opening Day was yesterday. How is your team looking? Up until about Tuesday of this week, I thought that the Yankees and Rays opened up yesterday. Later I learned that it is actually today. I am a great fan. How about my boy, Johan (or as John Miller would call him, “yo-HAAAAAAHHHHHHN” because he has no idea how to pronounce Latino names)? Is “Latino” proper nomenclature these days? Hold on, wait, I don’t care.

Hey, The Masters is going on RIGHT NOW! A Tradition Unlike Any Other should be intriguing yet again this year as long as two of these three (Tiger, Phil, and Rory) are in it come Sunday. I normally like to live blog the final round but my mom is coming to the mansion and bringing steaks (a tradition that I would like to start…want to visit, bring meat) so that is out. You know I’m on Team Tiger because I’m a winner and a fan of interracial porn. PHIL IS QUEER.

In case you haven’t been paying attention, the Cavs are fucking atrocious again. They have lost 9 in a row and none of those games have been close. I think that they set a record earlier this week for losing back to back home games by more than 35 points. With Kyrie hurt, Donald Sloan is now logging huge minutes at point guard. Don’t worry; no one knows who Donald Sloan is. But there is a silver lining here: the Cavs currently own the 4th worst winning percentage in the league which means that my dreams of Anthony Davis and MKG aren’t out of reach yet. BELIEVELAND!

Donovan McNabb is a black faggot. Anyone else find it hilarious that he’s all over ESPN talking about how much Shanahan sucks and that RG3 will fail in DC without acknowledging how much he sucked with the Skins? McNabb is such a goddamn hypocrite. I hate him. I should be more pissed at his out-of-shape ass but if it weren’t for him, I never would have fallen in love with The Sex Cannon and we wouldn’t be on the verge of winning the next 12 Super Bowls. Still though, get fucked, Donovan.

Dwight Howard is the worst. Normally, I hate everything that comes from just below Stan Van Gundy’s flavor saver, but how great was it that he just came out and boldly proclaimed that Averageman tried to get him fired this year! Classic! Howard is a shithead. He is and never will be at the same level of low post greatness as Luke Harangody (back from the D-League!).

Hey, my alma mater might be doing something! Earlier this week, OU acted quickly after John Groce’s departure and brought Jim Christian back to the MAC while Central Michigan hired Keno Davis. In my opinion, both of these are very good hires and the schools executed them quickly. Miami, on the other hand, has waited over a month to replace a guy that they should have known was retiring years ago. I’m told that the final three candidates for our job are Ohio State assistant Dave Dickerson, Tennessee State head coach John Cooper (can he beat Michigan?), and Arizona assistant James Whitford. My money is on Whitford but JUST NAME SOMEONE ALREADY GOD DAMMIT!

That will do it for me this week. Enjoy the golf, baseball, Frozen Four, yard work, my doubleheader tomorrow, casual buttsecks, or whatever this weekend. Feel free to discuss anything.

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

First!

Hope you're all enjoying work today. I could get used to these 3 day work weeks.

Shout out to rog for retiring yesterday! I enjoyed hammering beers with him all day on his first day as a retired man. He is now a full time charter captain on lake Erie if anyone is in need of a fishing trip.

I bet you added a few points to your wonderlick score. We all know that you're not as smart as cammy cam.

What a perfect opening day. I got a text from Damman ripping on valverde after his first blown save in a year.. Only for the tigers to stick it in the sox ass in the bottom of the 9th giving valverde the win. On top of that, the Indians blew a lead in the 9th and lost (while half their "fans" had left the game). Welcome to the basement. Wire to wire champs? I think so.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Also, how FANTASTIC is this bobby petrino story? The picture of him and his fucked up face while wearing a sugar bowl hat that his team got murked in is ELITE.

Dut

GMoney said...

The Petrino story is indeed awesome. I like to picture that little troll riding a motorbike. It is a great visual. The fact that he had some strange with him that he was trying to hide is ELITE! But they ended up "winning" that Sugar Bowl.

Happy retirement, Rog! One of the next Money Shot meet-ups will definitely be on his boat.

I thought about lying about my score but decided to be troofful. I earned my 23. If I was lying, I would have picked a number better than Iceman's 30, wouldn't I?

It was nice to see Papa Terrible blow one already. And thank you, Chris Perez, clearly I did not need that win from Masterson yesterday. I got ELITE starts from The Master, Johan, and Strasmus but zero wins. More runs please.

You all know that I have almost zero respect for Barefootlander but his tweet pic of his night before every start meal was pretty great. 3 taco supremes, a cheesy gordita crunch, and a mexican pizza from T-Bell...every five days. He holds the tomatoes though which is a slap in the face to all the hard-working Americans from the Tomato Capital of the World, Napoleon, Ohio. Fucker.

GMoney said...

By the way, why are you up so early? Eh, what do I care, you've commented two days this week.

Anonymous said...

I'm here for the gangbang!

Dut...I also got e-mails from Indians fans after Valverde. I even got one when tthe Indians were going to the ninth and it said "2 hits given up in 8 innings...yeah our pitching is kind of good".......LOLZ. Indians fans are the best!

The Petrino story is indeed tremendous. I saw a link to that girl's wedding website and I TOTES dropped a funny line in her guestbook. They took that offline in the early evening last night. It was hilarious while it stayed up.

I hate Dwight Howard so much. I feel bad for whichever city of losers gets to sign his ass to a max contract in two years. He's a big faggot.

I am going to drink copious amounts of alcohol and watch the Masters all weekend long.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

G$...Arkansas did not "win" that Sugar Bowl. They have a big fat "L" in the record books for it. Ohio State just doesn't have anything. Get your facts straight. They have a loss from that game.

--Drew

GMoney said...

So both teams lost? That's not how sports works. PIG SOOEY, N-WORD!

How great is this site? The banner ad today features the lovely mug of Ron Swanson wearing a Cubs hat.

To be fair to a really dumb fanbase, Masterson was pretty not OVERRATED yesterday.

MuDawgfan said...

Donovan McNabb is a black faggot


Rule number one of blogging - never bury the lead.

Happy Easter to all of you. I hope you stuff yourself with as much Honey Baked Ham and Potato Casserole as I will on Sunday.

Anonymous said...

G$...Ohio State did not lose...no matter how much you want it to be fact, it is not a fact. The only FACT is that Arkansas lost.

I plan on eating Barley's chicken wings and drinking a ton of beer on Easter.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Happy Easter... But beware of the Jewpacabra!

Man, the Cubs really were choke artists yesterday. They need to continue ridding themselves of pitchers named Carlos.

The Iceman said...

If Dwight Howard's goal is to become more hated than Lebron James, it's working. That guy is making himself look like the biggest fuck in all of sports. It's the goatee that's making him evil! Shave the goatee!!

At first I when I read that Petrino story it sounded like he left that skank in the ditch as he hitched a ride to the hospital. Upon further reading, I discovered that he actually instructed the driver of the car to drop her off at her car instead of going to the hospital to get checked for injuries. ELITE infidelity cover up.

Speaking of ELITE...can anyone top my 30 on the Wonderlich? Doubtful since I'm the smartest person here.

GMoney said...

Speaking of Howard, the best part of that scene yesterday was him walking up behind Stan and thinking he's funny and cool only to find out three seconds later that he just got ambushed. That was amazing. The way that his mood shifted from corny dork to "Oh God, I'm fucked" was excellent.

He will never be on LeBron's level, but he can get to #2 easy. Hell, he's already more hated than Kobe and Kobe got away with raping a white girl!

I like that Petrino pulled a Joe Cain. Did he also lay down on the highway?

Anonymous said...

You Scored 50
That's as good as Pat McInally. He got a 50 too.

He attended Harvard University. McInally served as the Bengals punter from 1976 to 1985 and has the only perfect score on the Wonderlic in NFL history.
Share Your Score!

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Embed your personalized badge on your blog or website using the code below. The badge is available in two sizes that will fit most common website layouts. Simply copy the code below and paste into your HTML code. If you have questions or concerns, just email us.

Suck my fucking cock, Iceman.

Ide

Anonymous said...

4 seconds remaining too.

GMoney said...

That is quite the elaborate lie you cooked up, Ide. Stop lying to everyone.

Anonymous said...

I just actually work at a job that requires math. I was shocked I actually got that score. Before I got it, I had no idea what was the highest score was. Having said that, it's not that hard at all. Mine actually had a few multiple choice questions.

I'm betting you missed the one where you had to identify the pentagon in the middle of quadrilaterals. Nerd.

I am your intellectual, and everything, superior.

Ide

GMoney said...

You are a Phil Mickelson fan and thus suck at life and everything.

GMoney said...

I did it again, half of the questions were different this time, and got a 36. That is better than Aaron Rodgers and WAY better than The Iceman. My timing and pace were much more efficient. Discount Triple Check, queerbates.

Anonymous said...

You would think, with easy access to tools like the internet, you could prepare yourself for such a simple quiz (or your agent should be letting you know), with millions of dollars on the line.

But then again 50% of these millionaires for for broke...

Where was I going again...?

- J Saul

Brady said...

I knew the Tribe was in trouble when CP was tossing 90mph meatballs up to start the 9th. What an incredibly soul-crushing loss to start the season. I don't think Masterson would be convicted of murder if he slit CP's throat from ear to ear today.

Happy Easter all! To celebrate I will be eating venison, shooting guns and drinking beer or Sunday. I'm pretty sure that's what Jesus would want.

Anonymous said...

Upon completion of my second try, I finished them all for a very Greg McElroy score of 43.

My bad day tops your best.

Ide

mollautt said...

=>James Whitford.

GMoney said...

According to YOU, it's not a done deal yet! But, please, hire Whitford. Bringing in a John Cooper would be too much LOL for the rest of the state and Dickerson is a turd.

GMoney said...

Where's Grumpy? Was he so mad that Dut got the drop on him and commented first today that he just swallowed a bottle of poison? Yes?

mollautt said...

=>The situation has changed...

Anonymous said...

I think Grumpy is visiting his friend at some special center and patting her on the back when she figures out that the rectangle block fits into the rectangle slot.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I was going to say staring at a tree, but Drew's response was the finisher.

Ide

Grumpy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
GMoney said...

Welcome home, Jimmy Whitford!!!

Nobody respects the foliage like Grumpy. Or maybe he's out on a gay cruise of Lake Erie with the Dut family.

Grumpy said...

I've been busy planting a "For Sale" sign on Brad Bates' front lawn.

The Iceman said...

ELITE comments today guys. Sad I had to miss it. I love how Ide is bragging about being smarter than a punter and pussy narking faggot 8th string QB that Cowturd would build a team around today. You cant put a price on cerebralism!!

GMoney said...

Apparently, our AD tweeted that Whitford accepted the job and then 30 minutes later he spurned the offer and is stating at Arizona. WE HAVE THE WORST AD EVER.

5+ weeks and still no coach...

CC and James Shields are both eliminated from the Cy Young race already.

Prime99 said...

No loss for Shields! Alright! Mo's decrepit arm may finally be giving in.

GMoney said...

John Cooper it is...MAYBE!

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