Wednesday, April 04, 2012

G$'s 2012 MLB Predictions!

BUTTHORN!
Let’s just get this out of the way now: Iceman and Grumpy, we get it. You aren’t going to care for this post/sport. You haven’t even thought about commenting yet but we’ve already had enough of you today. Whenever I write about baseball, you two post the same thoughts every time with very little variation. Your act is as stale as Daniel Tosh. And even though you are going to try and ruin today for all of us, I have a sneaky feeling that ol’ Dut is going to figure out how a phone works and chime in today. I have a hunch. Anyway, how about an MLB prediction post since Opening Day was last week/is tonight/might be tomorrow? Normally, I stretch this out for two days but I’m going to take that idea to the smush room and get it in today. DO SEX! Let’s do this:

NL East:
1. Miami 2. Philadelphia* 3. Atlanta 4. Washington 5. New York
Thoughts: I’ve got a feeling that the Marlins are going to be really good this year. They have a good vibe about them with a new, insane, yet effective manager, a nice stadium with a horrible shrine out in centerfield, and had a very solid free agency period to go with their own home-grown talent. The entire season revolves around Josh Johnson staying healthy (highly unlikely) but I love their rotation as I actually expect a nice bounce-back season from Crazy Carlos Z. The Phillies won’t be able to score enough. That will be a problem all year long. But that starting pitching will still get them to October. This is Larry Jones’ last year in baseball. Whatever, the Braves are average just about everywhere. The Nats are a year away from a playoff push. It’s probably not a good thing when the biggest news out of Mets camp this spring was Jon Niese’s nose job that Carlos Beltran paid for. The Mets are horrible.

NL Central:
1. Cincinnati 2. St. Louis* 3. Milwaukee 4. Pittsburgh 5. Chicago 6. Houston
Thoughts: What do we think about the Reds giving a quarter of their payroll to Votto and ensuring that Phillips walks after the season? It’s bold. I’ll give them that. They better fucking win now. The Cardinals will always be good because they are annoying. Somehow they will get in as a wildcard even after losing Pujols and LaRussa and Chris Carpenter is out indefinitely. The Brewers will be distracted all year with the boos that will follow Braun everywhere. Last year I picked the Pirates to finally get over .500. I will never do that again. The Cubs and Astros would finish in last place in the International League. I can’t wait for the miserable Colt 45’s to join the AL next year. Those are free wins.

NL West:
1. San Francisco 2. Arizona 3. Los Angeles 4. Colorado 5. San Diego
Thoughts: Exactly who were the Giants up against when they agreed to give Matt Cain 127 million dollars? He isn’t even an ace! He’s barely better than Mr. Ace (I may be going too far on that claim). It’s like they were just sitting around wondering what to do with the Zito money that will be freed up soon and just decided to give it all to their #2 starter. Still, they have the best pitching in the division. Arizona takes a step back this year as last season was more than just a little fluky. Why is it a big deal that Magic Johnson is a minority owner of a baseball team? He has virtually no say regarding anything with the on-field product. The Rockies are starting Jeremy Guthrie on Opening Day. THEE Jeremy Guthrie. They sure did rape the Indians last July though, didn’t they? San Diego…at least it’s a beautiful city.

NL MVP – Giancarlo Stanton
NL Cy – Tim Lincecum
NL Manager – Oswaldo Guillen
NL ROY – Brian LaHair? Prime seems to think that this is a real person.

AL East:
1. New York 2. Tampa Bay* 3. Toronto 4. Boston 5. Baltimore
Thoughts: Other than age, this might be the most complete Yankees team that they’ve fielded in a decade. But with old guys, it can all go to shit in a hurry. Fortunately, the starting pitching looks great and the bullpen is always a STREMPH so I don’t anticipate too many problems over the course of this season. Drew always gets on me about short-selling the Rays. Not this year. They won’t score enough runs to win the division, but that starting pitching will carry them to the postseason. I don’t care about Toronto or Bawlmer County so I’m going to spend the rest of this paragraph on the Red Sox. This team is going to be a disaster. Bobby Valentine is going to piss off the clubhouse and (this is my prediction) will not be back for the 2013 season. The rotation is shit. The bullpen might be even worse. They have holes at SS, LF, and RF. The fans still hate them for the fried chicken and beer from last year. Exactly what is there to be positive about? They are going to be shit. Eat hog, Jeff.

AL Central:
1. Detroit 2. Minnesota 3. Kansas City 4. Cleveland 5. Chicago
Thoughts: Even with the worst infield defense of all time, the Tigers should have no problem winning this division by 8+ games. Since last year was a complete joke, I’m guessing that Valverde reverts back to his normal self and blows five saves by Memorial Day. HE SUCKS. Everything went to hell last year for the Twins so I expect a decent return to form in 2012. They really need to win the division because they are easy as shit to sweep in the ALDS. KC is a sexy pick by people that over-value prospects. I am not one of those people. The Indians can’t score enough to compete. They are in a dangerous territory right now, by the way. They went all-in with Ubaldo but addressed nothing else. Now they have holes all over the lineup, no money to spend, and the farm system is completely destroyed. Uh oh, Spaghetti-O’s. The White Sox are ass.

AL West:
1. Anaheim 2. Texas* 3. Oakland 4. Seattle
Thoughts: IN MY PERSONAL OPINION, if the Angels truly wanted to and went balls out every night, they could win 110 games. They won’t, but with that starting pitching AND EL HOMBRE, they are ELITE. I still can’t believe that Texas and their no-name starters have won the last two pennants. That is kooky. I want to see Josh Hamilton completely fall off the wagon, play a game drunk, and then lay down while eating a cheeseburger in the outfield grass. Oakland and Seattle are both common street trash and don’t deserve any discussion.

AL MVP – Albert Pujols
AL Cy – David Price
AL Manager – Mike Scioscia
AL ROY – Yu Darvish

Playoffs: Tampa Bay and Philadelphia win the one game wild card round. Miami out of the NL. The Yankees out of the AL.
World Series: The last six times that Kentucky has won a national title, who has won the World Series that same year? What team only appears to win titles with a Democrat in the White House? I like the Yankees over the Marlins just because of Anthony Davis and Barry O say that it will be. It’s tradition. Liberals + Bluegrass Dominance = Pinstriped Glory. Don’t bet against history. If I WAS betting against history, I would pick Anaheim over Miami...but I'm not.  Discuss.

29 comments:

Grumpy said...

Reds win! Reds win!

Grumpy said...

RG3 refuses to work out for Colts.

http://www.nationalfootballpost.com/Irsay-RG3-declined-private-workout.html

MUDawgfan said...

NL ROY? Pastronicky SS, Atlanta
Getting the start from Day One.

Just kidding, he'll bat 8th all year, hit .230 and is there only for his defense and to hopefully put the ball in play more than he strikes out.

Mr. Ace said...

You do realize that the White Sox still have Paul Konerko, right? That alone is good enough to finish third.

I have a bad feeling that now that Ozzie is gone, the White Sox are going to quickly become irrelevant and cellar dwell for the next decade. Looks like the Marlins will be my NL team.

WHY IS THE BASEBALL SEASON SO FUCKING LONG!?!?!

GMoney said...

Grumpy, what was the point of that link? That's why he had a Pro Day. My boy doesn't need to spend his time with that homo Irsay. He needs to spend it watching the Women's National Championship game!

I've always like Robin Ventura but the fact that they hired him to manage with zero experience is LULZ. Now I know where Kyle Williams got his ball-dropping skills from.

Dawg, I see a regression by Kimbrel this Summer.

MUDawgfan said...

G$ - Kimbrell was lights out last year, regression is only natural. I would imagine that the Braves expect it too and are hoping he can simply lock down 33-37 saves

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I don't see the point of Grump's link either. RG3 has no reason to work out for them. Worst case scenario he's the # 2 overall pick...the horror of it...no reason to risk an injury.

BASEBALL IS HERE! YES!

No fucking way Giancarlo wins NL MVP when he hits like .240. I think Matt Kemp is gonna take that home this year.

AL Cy Young: Mr. Verlander
AL MVP: Miggy Cabrera
AL Champ: Detroit Tigers

NL Cy Young: Cliff Lee
NL MVP: Matt Kemp
AL Champ: Philadelphia Phillies

World Series Champs: Phillies in 5

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Of course there will be a little regression for Kimbrel, but I fully expect him to still be a complete beast of a closer.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Lets hope you're right. He is anchoring the mighty bullpen of Anne Frank's Ashes.

And that RG3 link is useless because he won't even grant the Redskins one either. That twat Irsay just has to twitter everything.

I've heard from high authority that Limehouse will finally use that cleaver next week. I'm pumped.

Ide

GMoney said...

Thanks for reminding me, Ide. Last week I told you guys to check out Warming Glow's Justified recaps (usually posted around noon today). This week they have two writers answering your questions (VJ Boyd and Jon Worley). I can't wait to ask about the death sentence that comes from eating all of Arlo's pretzels.

Robert Quarles = Unkillable

I liked Tom the local cop. I'm saddened by his demise. Dickie beating up a cripple was the best. Although Dickie might be dead now, his hair will live on forever.

Giancarlo is going to lead the NL is HR and RBI (not a FACT). He'll be in the hunt.

Did I see that right where the Tigers open with the Red Sox. Good God that is a lot of awful fans.

The Iceman said...

Now listen here dickface. I've been behaving on your baseball posts as of late. I know these baseball posts aren't going anywhere so I've learned to live with them...like Dut has learned to live with his monthly herpes outbreak.

I actually considered getting back into fantasy baseball this year to help bridge the gap from fantasy basketball to fantasy football. But no one asked me and it's not like I'm going to actively seek people out to be in fantasy baseball leagues. I just hope we hear from Justin Verlander today!

The Iceman said...

Can we expect MuDawg to make another terrible prediction for another one of his teams? BRAVES GOING UNDEFEATED! Amiright?

Anonymous said...

I actually like the Tribe's lineup outside of the cess pool that is left field. Shelley Duncan opening day starter! If they stay healthy, a 2-3-4 of Asdrubal, Choo and The Ax Man, will be very solid. Throw in heart throb Jason Kipnis and I think they can score enough.

My concern is starting pitching. After Masterson, there are a bunch of question marks. Ubaldo has pitched like cow dung all spring and appears to be a head case. Tomlin gives up a ton of home runs and his control can't possibly be as good as last year, leading to more runs given up. Lowe is older than Grumpy and Gomez had to fight to be a 5 starter. The bullpen should be rock solid.

If the Tribe can get at least middle of the road starting pitching, they will hang in there with the Tigers and the worst defense in history.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

That's right G$....Lester vs. Verlander tomorrow afternoon!

Also, I think James Shields has a better chance of winning AL Cy Young than David Price does. Yeah...I said it.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Totally disagree about KANE (Cain.) He's an ace and probably more durable than Lincecum. The Dodgers would've thrown even more money at him after the season so the Giants did the right thing.

Bryan LaHair is real, but apparently has back tightness already. I'm excited for the season but expect little from the Cubs.

Grumpy said...

G$, you fucking ingrate. The point of the link was to brighten your day by showing that RG3 has his mind locked into being a Redskin. I thought you would be happy he gave the Colts a big "Fuck You".

Any more abuse heaped on me and I'm going to the police and tell them how you and Damman sold Dut into white slavery on the trip to New Orleans.

Anonymous said...

I'm back!!! With everyone calling me out over the past few weeks, I feel like I have to be the #1 commenter of all time. Amirite?

I hope the tribe gets out to another 30-15 start so their fans start to get chippy before the oncoming collapse. Otherwise it will be boring winning the division by 20 games and having them say it's football season.

This offseason for the tigers kind of reminds me of 2008 when they said F playing defense, and thought they would just outscore everyone. This better not be a repeat of that, and I sure as hell don't want to see Inge at 3rd.

Drew- no way verlander wins the cy young again with this defense. Cabrera will make an error every 2 games and demon young runs like a duck.

With all that being said, tigers will win the world series. Guaransheed.

No way in hell the redox finish worse than 3rd in that division. After their 0-3 start, they'll contend all season long.

Dut

GMoney said...

I knew that Dut would be back today. I sensed it. There's a distinct aroma of black guy spunk in the air that only follows Dut's comments. Good to have you back in the pussy-fold though. I was about a day away from using my awesome power as Champion and Rules Committee to throw Dut out of the DutFL. We would replace you with Terrelle Pryor.

Be careful with your Tigers predictions. Trying to outscore teams seems like a sick idea but it rarely works.

OK, who the Hell is The Ax Man? Did the Indians sign the Brawny paper towel guy this winter to hit cleanup? That sounds like something that they would do.

I don't know what to think about Shields. He was a complete game machine last year but total shit the previous two seasons. I'd be willing to bet you that Price has a better season than Shields.

Kane is the worst. Cain looks like Jon Roth and he is one of the biggest douchebags of all time. Not many people are going to get that reference but just know that the guy from Wauseon is a total fag.

RG3 knows the deal. He doesn't want to play in white bread Indy. He wants to be the mayor of DC (minus the crack rocks natch). He is too focused on the "Jim Ross face" of Baylor's womens hoops coach to care about Jim Irsay's tweets of Edgar Winter Group lyrics. Am I talking shit about Bell's Palsy? BULEE DAT, PLAYA!

Brady said...

Ubaldo really has to return to form this season. He was lights out on 2010 but kind of came back down to earth last season. With the price the Indians gave for him, we need a fucking return on the investment. Nice to see that he still has the fire by throwing at dudes in the cactus league. I like it.

The Indians can finish 2nd if they can get off to a hot start like last season. I really don't think anybody can challenge the tigers but that 2nd wild card spot this season is a remote possibility.

GMoney said...

It is not a remote possibility. You can't compete in the AL this year. FACT!

Anonymous said...

The Ax Man is Carlos Santana.

The Jon Roth line is 100% correct. He is a Steelers fan who de-friended me on Facebook for making snide comments about 'ole number 7's sexual escipades. Yes, he is king douchebag.

Anonymous said...

Indians compete for the wildcard!? HahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhHhHhHggGaha

The only way the Indians could sniff the playoffs would be to win the shitty central. A 2008-esque season from the tigers is their only chance. Compare the rosters of the Yankees, rangers, redox, rays, and Angels and please tell me how the Indians fit into that conversation? The AL is freakin loaded this year.

Dut

Jeff said...

You're not scared of cody Ross and mike aviles???

Neither am I.

That being said, ill eat ribs (I'm sure that's what u meant by hog) and you can eat crow come September.

GMoney said...

See, Dut, commenting isn't so hard is it?

Jeff, I want you to comment every hour because I will never stop laughing at the high school Byron Mullens picture. EVER.

You know what's strange? The Tigers best infielder is Jhonny Peralta and it isn't even close. With Earthquake at third, Typhoon at first, and a leftfielder playing second, they might shatter the errors in a season record by the end of next week.

The Iceman said...

Who's this Dut character? He sounds like a gay.

Jose Valverde said...

Nachos.

Oh...I thought this was a thread about what you would fuck, then immediately eat. Carry on...

GMoney said...

Jeff, I'm at Davidson on Saturday (you're still there, right?). Since that is Ide's alma mater, I'm going to take a dump in the parking lot as a tribute to the worst person on Earf.

GMoney said...

Bye bye, Sullinger!

Robertvyri said...

Bye bye, Sullinger!