Wednesday, April 25, 2012
As I mentioned yesterday, since I'm at home all week, I've been watching a ton of ESPN because I'm not smart, too lazy to change the channel, and am sort of mesmerized by Chris McKendry's plunging neckline. That said, I have seen way too much of those Gruden FFCA clips. You know these, where he breaks down film with QB prospects. Well, I managed to get my hands on Gruden's yet-to-be-filmed breakdown of Denard Robinson. It appears to be...interesting.
Gruden: Denard Robinson.
Denard: Yes sir.
Gruden: Denard "Shoelace" Robinson. Shoelace. SHOELACE! What the heck is Shoelace?
Denard: (uncomfortable laughter) Well, I don't like it when my shoes are tight so I leave them loose. It works for me. I was under the impression that everyone knew about this already though?
Gruden: Loose shoes! Let me tell you something, son, this is the NFL where Peyton Manning has been deemed a sheriff by me. You know what NFL stands for? Not For Long if you keep losing a shoe on every other play. If I was still coaching, I would be telling my defense to go after them shoes. I would put bounties on those cleats!
Denard: Yes sir.
Gruden: Do you hear me, BOY?
Gruden: If you want to play on MY TEAM, you tie them shoes up tight. If not, if you want to do your own thing and put your own wants and desires ahead of my fucking team, I'll have you hung.
Denard: But coach, you aren't really a coach. The FFCA isn't even a real thing. You are on the Monday Night broadcast team with that sex offender guy. Your opinion is pretty much worthless.
Gruden: What did you say to me, boy?
Denard: I mean no disrespect but what exactly makes you so qualified to grill all of us college quarterbacks? I mean, who did you actually develop in your career? Your only successes came from when Rich Gannon and Brad Johnson got lucky.
Gruden: Have you not heard of Shaun King. He and I led the Buccaneers to the NFC title game in 2000.
Denard: Shaun King? That's right. Hell of an analyst on ESPNU.
Gruden: He learned everything he knows from me. Anyway, enough about my (lack of) resume. Let's talk about what makes DENARD ROBINSON click.
(turns on game film from 2011 Michigan/Notre Dame game)
Gruden: THIS GAME was one heckuva game. Now on these deep balls, are you purposely underthrowing your receivers.
Denard: Yes sir. I had to. My receivers weren't fast enough to beat those ELITE Notre Dame corners.
Gruden: Oh fuck you. Look at this shit. You're trying to throw deep balls off of your back foot and the fact that your receivers stopped and waited on your wounded ducks to fall from the clouds is pure luck.
Denard: (dejected) You're right. I have no touch on my passes.
Gruden: Now look at this right here. What are you thinking?
Denard: What do you mean, Coach. I bought some time in the pocket and found my wide open receiver streaking down the sideline. He had to run in place for 5 seconds for my pass to get there, but I found him and it set us up for the game-winning touchdown.
Gruden: No, that's not what I'm talking about. Why would you ever throw a pass to a white kid with less than a minute left in the game and no timeouts? That tells me that you make poor decisions.
Denard: I never thought of it that way. I'm sorry.
Gruden: Look, SHOELACE, a year ago I had Nick Foles sitting in that very chair because...(sits there silently for 7 minutes trying to figure out why Nick Foles was invited last year)...oh, you're still here? I want you to head up to the dry erase board and draw me up a play.
(Denard is drawing up a play)
Denard: Which one do you want to see first, Coach? I've got read, run, and chuck. Coach Hoke runs a complicated offense. I can slow down if you want me to.
Gruden: You guys only ran three plays???
Denard: Yes sir, our playbook was HUGE compared to when Coach Rod was here. We just ran one play under him, Be Completely Terrible. It was not very efficient or effective.
Gruden: Holy shit. Three plays? Is it because you're dumb?
Denard: No sir. I have a lot of responsibility. If I was tired, I handed off on a sweep. If I was rested, I took off. And if I got confused about whether or not I was tired or rested, I would just chuck it up for grabs.
Gruden: Well, that explains your 1500 yards rushing and 18% completion percentage.
Denard: I'm what they call a "Playmaker", coach.
Gruden: No, you're what they call a "stereotype". Let's head out to the field.
(they head out to the FFCA mock football field)
Denard: Where are the receivers, Coach?
Gruden: Receivers? Oh, we're not going to need those. I've already seen you throw enough.
Gruden: Your days of pretending to be a QB are over. Hell, they should have been over when you couldn't beat out Tate Forcier as a Freshman.
Denard: But I've always been a QB.
Gruden: No, you've always done a poor impersonation of a quarterback and it has to stop. Do you know who Brad Smith is? Because your ceiling is to be a homeless man's version of him, Darkness.
Denard: I believe that I can be a starting QB in the NFL.
Gruden: Trust me, you can't do that. Your head would explode during the first film session if it remains intact after you get a look at the playbook. Now get your black ass down on the goal line and I'm going to punt balls at you for the next hour.
Denard: But coach--
Gruden: I'm not going to tell you again. Now tie those fucking shoes.
Denard: But Todd McShay has me going 4th overall to the Browns!
Gruden: FUCK YOU, BUSTA RHYMES! Remind me to fuck McShay's wife.
Denard: Yes sir.
Gruden: Where was I? Jesus Christ, I didn't know that I was running a Punt Returner Camp.
Now, I don't actually believe that Jon Gruden is a racist but it feels like an angle that my readers would appreciate so I went with it. This blogger has no regrets with that artistic decision. I just sort of wanted to spend today reminding everyone that Denard Robinson is a terrible quarterback who better start learning how to catch passes in traffic unless he wants to get a real job. But, you know, he's still better than Braxton Miller. Mock draft tomorrow, yo.