Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Camp Gruden: Denard Robinson

The NFL Draft is tomorrow night.  You already knew that.  For losers like myself, I just can't get enough of it.  I don't think that there is ever a time where I could not talk about the draft.  In fact, I'm ready to discuss next year's NFL draft already.  That's right, I want to go 366 days into the future.

As I mentioned yesterday, since I'm at home all week, I've been watching a ton of ESPN because I'm not smart, too lazy to change the channel, and am sort of mesmerized by Chris McKendry's plunging neckline.  That said, I have seen way too much of those Gruden FFCA clips.  You know these, where he breaks down film with QB prospects.  Well, I managed to get my hands on Gruden's yet-to-be-filmed breakdown of Denard Robinson.  It appears to be...interesting.

Gruden: Denard Robinson.
Denard: Yes sir.
Gruden: Denard "Shoelace" Robinson.  Shoelace.  SHOELACE!  What the heck is Shoelace?
Denard: (uncomfortable laughter) Well, I don't like it when my shoes are tight so I leave them loose.  It works for me.  I was under the impression that everyone knew about this already though?
Gruden: Loose shoes!  Let me tell you something, son, this is the NFL where Peyton Manning has been deemed a sheriff by me.  You know what NFL stands for?  Not For Long if you keep losing a shoe on every other play.  If I was still coaching, I would be telling my defense to go after them shoes.  I would put bounties on those cleats!
Denard: Yes sir.
Gruden: Do you hear me, BOY?
Denard: Boy?
Gruden: If you want to play on MY TEAM, you tie them shoes up tight.  If not, if you want to do your own thing and put your own wants and desires ahead of my fucking team, I'll have you hung.
Denard: But coach, you aren't really a coach.  The FFCA isn't even a real thing.  You are on the Monday Night broadcast team with that sex offender guy.  Your opinion is pretty much worthless.

Gruden: What did you say to me, boy?
Denard: I mean no disrespect but what exactly makes you so qualified to grill all of us college quarterbacks?  I mean, who did you actually develop in your career?  Your only successes came from when Rich Gannon and Brad Johnson got lucky.
Gruden: Have you not heard of Shaun King.  He and I led the Buccaneers to the NFC title game in 2000.
Denard: Shaun King?  That's right.  Hell of an analyst on ESPNU.
Gruden: He learned everything he knows from me.  Anyway, enough about my (lack of) resume.  Let's talk about what makes DENARD ROBINSON click.

(turns on game film from 2011 Michigan/Notre Dame game)

Gruden: THIS GAME was one heckuva game.  Now on these deep balls, are you purposely underthrowing your receivers.
Denard: Yes sir.  I had to.  My receivers weren't fast enough to beat those ELITE Notre Dame corners.
Gruden: Oh fuck you.  Look at this shit.  You're trying to throw deep balls off of your back foot and the fact that your receivers stopped and waited on your wounded ducks to fall from the clouds is pure luck.
Denard: (dejected) You're right.  I have no touch on my passes.
Gruden: Now look at this right here.  What are you thinking?
Denard: What do you mean, Coach.  I bought some time in the pocket and found my wide open receiver streaking down the sideline.  He had to run in place for 5 seconds for my pass to get there, but I found him and it set us up for the game-winning touchdown.
Gruden: No, that's not what I'm talking about.  Why would you ever throw a pass to a white kid with less than a minute left in the game and no timeouts?  That tells me that you make poor decisions.
Denard: I never thought of it that way.  I'm sorry.
Gruden: Look, SHOELACE, a year ago I had Nick Foles sitting in that very chair because...(sits there silently for 7 minutes trying to figure out why Nick Foles was invited last year)...oh, you're still here?  I want you to head up to the dry erase board and draw me up a play.

(Denard is drawing up a play)

Denard: Which one do you want to see first, Coach?  I've got read, run, and chuck.  Coach Hoke runs a complicated offense.  I can slow down if you want me to.
Gruden: You guys only ran three plays???
Denard: Yes sir, our playbook was HUGE compared to when Coach Rod was here.  We just ran one play under him, Be Completely Terrible.  It was not very efficient or effective.
Gruden: Holy shit.  Three plays?  Is it because you're dumb?
Denard: No sir.  I have a lot of responsibility.  If I was tired, I handed off on a sweep.  If I was rested, I took off.  And if I got confused about whether or not I was tired or rested, I would just chuck it up for grabs.
Gruden: Well, that explains your 1500 yards rushing and 18% completion percentage.
Denard: I'm what they call a "Playmaker", coach.
Gruden: No, you're what they call a "stereotype".  Let's head out to the field.

(they head out to the FFCA mock football field)

Denard: Where are the receivers, Coach?
Gruden: Receivers?  Oh, we're not going to need those.  I've already seen you throw enough.
Denard: Sir?
Gruden: Your days of pretending to be a QB are over.  Hell, they should have been over when you couldn't beat out Tate Forcier as a Freshman.
Denard: But I've always been a QB.
Gruden: No, you've always done a poor impersonation of a quarterback and it has to stop.  Do you know who Brad Smith is?  Because your ceiling is to be a homeless man's version of him, Darkness.
Denard: I believe that I can be a starting QB in the NFL.
Gruden: Trust me, you can't do that.  Your head would explode during the first film session if it remains intact after you get a look at the playbook.  Now get your black ass down on the goal line and I'm going to punt balls at you for the next hour.
Denard: But coach--
Gruden: I'm not going to tell you again.  Now tie those fucking shoes.
Denard: But Todd McShay has me going 4th overall to the Browns!
Gruden: FUCK YOU, BUSTA RHYMES!  Remind me to fuck McShay's wife.
Denard: Yes sir.
Gruden: Where was I?  Jesus Christ, I didn't know that I was running a Punt Returner Camp.

Now, I don't actually believe that Jon Gruden is a racist but it feels like an angle that my readers would appreciate so I went with it.  This blogger has no regrets with that artistic decision.  I just sort of wanted to spend today reminding everyone that Denard Robinson is a terrible quarterback who better start learning how to catch passes in traffic unless he wants to get a real job.  But, you know, he's still better than Braxton Miller.  Mock draft tomorrow, yo.

30 comments:

Grumpy said...

Funny shit right there.

The Iceman said...

Can't argue with a lot you said there. Denard does possess an uncanny ability to under throw/over throw wide open guys. I still say he should be a running back in the nfl. He's almost the exact same size as Chris Johnson and might actually be faster. Where was your breakdown of Spider Three Y Banana? All I know is that in my playing days, Rex would've never thrown the Venus. He was way too cerebral for that.

Speaking of CJ...if you have him in a keeper league, what do you do?

Read a 4 round mock draft last night that had Cleveland taking Mike Adams in the 3rd round and Kirk Cousints (how I imagine a black guy would say it) in the 4th. I'll be cutting myself in the tub if you need me...

MuDawgfan said...

"Racist Gruden" might be my favorite Money Shot character of all time. Slightly ahead of "Heterosexual Iceman."

Anonymous said...

That was one of the best "interviews" of all-time here.

Also, fuck Denard. Braxton gonna eat him up this year.

I think 7 games is UNDER what most of us here thought Artest would get.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

There's nothing wrong with intimately hugging another man, MuDawg.

I was stunned with 7 games, Drew. At what point to you ban this fucker for life? A stupid name change doesn't change the fact this guy is out to permanently harm people. DISGRACEFUL!!!!

Anonymous said...

Good work right there.

I believe Dungy was the coach when Shaun King took the Bucs to the title game that year.

What does FFCA stand for?

I agree on Chris Mckendry. She is a very underrated sportcenter vixen.

-Damman

GMoney said...

I was paying attention enough yesterday to finally find out! Fired Football Coaches Academy (or Association). RESEARCH!

What would keeping CJ cost you?

Racist Gruden ended up being a terrific addition to the site, didn't he?

GMoney said...

I laugh at my own writing all the time, but my favorite line today was "But Todd McShay has me going 4th overall". Made me LOL. I thought about it while umping a terrible game last night.

Speaking of that game, one team had a first baseman that looked like the result of Brock Lesnar impregnating Ide. He was hideous.

The Iceman said...

What would keeping CJ cost you?

Possibly a FF playoff berth. After the dropoff he had last year and considering he still has either Hasseltwat of Jake LOLker taking snaps, it's hard to be optimistic about his future.

And if you meant what would he cost you as in, what round pick would I forfeit to keep him...that would be first round. He would cost me a first round pick.

The Iceman said...

It's not too early to discuss fantasy football, right? I don't have a fantasy football problem, right? Right. I feel better.

Anonymous said...

This may have been the best interview posted on this site. I still can't believe Notre Dame's defensive backs were that terrible to allow Denard to throw rainbow jump balls to his recievers all night and complete them with regularity.

-Lil' Strut

The Iceman said...

And despite all that, McTurdLicker is still saying that Harrison Smith could be the best safety in this draft. Ummmm...okay??

Prime99 said...

I agree with everyone else- that was ELITE. I also enjoyed the "McShay has me going to the Browns" line. Seems close to reality.

Anonymous said...

I'm with you Strut. The ND DB's were disgusting in that game. I remember passing out drunk with Michigan down X amount of points and like 6 minutes left in the game. I woke up the next morning....looked at my phone and was shocked/disgusted that Michigan had won. I then watched the highlights and my anger even grew more. Embarrassing defensive play in that game.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

However, I suppose I shouldn't have expected much from Notre Dame, a school that has probably lead the nation in 2nd half blown leads over the past 5-10 years. My girlfriend and her family are all Notre Dame fans and they have even come to expect ND to blow a lead in nearly every game. They are never confident Notre Dame will win until the clock its 0:00.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Iceman, you already know the answer. You can't keep Cop Speed for a first round pick when he isn't a first rounder anymore.

Getting ready to shoot my video...my autographed picture of Ted DiBiase will be making an appearance.

Anonymous said...

Three draft thoughts...

1.) Iceman...other than he's a Buckeye, wouldn't Mike Adams be a steal in the 3rd round?

2.) I think I've settled on the fact that I hope the Lions take Janoris Jenkins. I know he's a crackhead...and loves weed...and every Lion seems to love weed right now...but, I'm willing to take the chance and whatever happens happens. He's a top ten talent at a position of huge need. Roll the dice.

3.) For some reason last night I started chuckling at the thought of Andrew Luck getting into a terrible car accident today or tomorrow...like paralyzed...which makes the Colts take RGIII and G$ have a complete meltdown.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Jesus Drew, paralyzed? How about just an amputated foot?

Anonymous said...

That's fine Grumpy...whatever makes him not draftable.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

This is the best post in a loooong time. About time you put some thought into one of these things!

I would argue that Braxton had a better freshman season than denard. It's an unfair comparison at this point.

I normally love the draft, but this year espn has covered the SHIT out of it. They talked about luck and rg3 for about 5 months straight, and then today, Greenberg says "we all know that luck and rg3 are going 1-2, so there's no point in discussing." Why wasn't that said in January!? Espn is making me sick of the nfl. I can't wait to see how wrong mcgay is.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Slow clap for Dut. The espn coverage has been unbearable, but espn always goes overboard with nfl coverage so they are not going to change.

I think I may go to the nfl network on draft night. I don't think I can stomach chris berman and jon gruden on the same set. I'm not sure who all is on the nfl network (eisen?) coverage but it can't be worse than that one-two punch.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Me likey this post.

Bounty on those cleats!

-Rex

The Iceman said...

I honestly don't know if I would be pumped about Adams in the 3rd, Drew. And it has nothing to do with his Ohio affiliation. I know a 3rd round pick is getting to the point where it really doesn't matter if the guy works out or not, but Cleveland needs to maximize these picks as much as they can. I think using a 3rd round on a guy with so many off the field issues is a road they can't afford to travel.

GMoney said...

-Rex AND Dut! Wow, now I knows that I done good today.

I don't think that it's unfair to compare Denard and Braxton. Neither one can throw the ball with any accuracy at all.

Video is done. I put my heart, soul, and ass into it. Will drop it off at the post office tomorrow. Dishes are done, man!

Anonymous said...

http://espn.go.com/blog/bigten/post/_/id/49054/big-ten-and-the-nfl-draft-the-last-decade

Good read on the B1G and the NFL Draft over the past decade.

-Lil' Strut

The Iceman said...

That was a stupid article. The impressive thing isn't how many people you put in the draft. It's what the players do while they're in the NFL. When it comes to the NFL and draft picks I would think quality outranks quantity.

Anonymous said...

Ice, wasn't that how the original ELITE argument started? I'm pretty sure it was. A great day in this sites history.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Yes it was. The Todd McShay comment was tits.

Could've used a tad bit more racism.

Hey, Dut! Good to see your team is taking the week off against me. More for the better, I suppose.

Ide

Prime99 said...

Bryan LaHair just hit another bomb! Dude is locked in.

Good luck on the video G$. I'm looking forward to watching you mentally torment the inevitable gay guy in the house.

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