|Uh, is that a DAVID LIGHTY jersey in there???|
Before we analyze the reasons that lead to public discontent transforming into anarchy on the streets, we need to understand WHY these things happen. I don’t care about fascist dictators or some black kid in a hoodie or whatever so, in my mind, every riot has been spawned from sporting results. FACT! With the exception of the people of Vancouver and a few others that I don’t remember, I would say that the majority of riots take place on college campuses by college kids. By the way, it still makes zero sense why Canucks fans destroyed the city last summer. They got crushed in game 7, it’s not like it was some heartbreaker. Anyway, knowing this, the two main factors leading to riots are:
1. Awful city
2. Stupid fans
When you take those two things into account, it makes perfect sense why riots happen in East Lansing, Lexington, and Morgantown. So with that said, let’s breakdown the reasons why riots may occur and give a verdict as to whether that logic is acceptable or not.
Did your team/school just win a title? UNACCEPTABLE. There are caveats that I will get into in a few minutes but my general belief is that you should go wild, get shit-faced, and love every minute of it but to also act like you’ve been there before. Karma has blessed you…don’t piss off karma.
Did your team/school just lose a title? UNACCEPTABLE. Be a fucking man and deal with your sadness the way that God intended—by drinking twice as much alcohol as you should and then hate-jerk yourself sleep.
Did your school just win a national title in a sport that your school does not make its #1 priority? UNACCEPTABLE. Ohio State fans are not allowed to riot over a potential future basketball title. Sparty fans can’t flip cars for football. Duke football fans don’t exist. Even if Kevin Durant comes back to cut down the nets for Rick Barnes (highly illegal), Austin can not be set ablaze.
Are you a tortured fanbase that just tasted victory for the first time in over a generation? ACCEPTABLE! The key word here is “generation”. Those that are long and suffering—that have dealt with decades of achy breaky hearts—are permitted to get a little out of control and cost the city some money.
Did you just complete an undefeated season with a win over your arch rival and now you are playing for a national title? CASE-BY-CASE. I’m pretty much referencing the 2002 Ohio State win over Michigan (in a dreadful game) that launched the Flukeyes into the national title game. It was sort of a perfect storm and ended with the team finally getting over the top which I’m sure resulted in an infinite number of pepper spray canisters being shot onto Chittenden Ave that night.
Did you just lose a huge game because of incompetent officiating? UNACCEPTABLE. Obviously, games aren’t won or lost on one play. Any idiot knows that. But exactly what is the point of looting your town because a referee incorrectly called your star player for a charge even though the defender was still moving? “That’s bullshit! I’m taking this fucking flat screen TV! That will show that ref!” It makes no sense although looting sounds like a whole shitload of fun.
Did your team just lose because of a miracle play that would never happen again in a million years? ACCEPTABLE! I’ll tell you what: if I was a Bills fan that had to watch the replay booth completely fuck me out of a playoff win because they didn’t want to correctly overturn that Music City Miracle forward pass, I would have just started strangling cats until someone stopped me by smashing my head to pieces. That would have KILLED me. I just don’t know how Bills fans can keep doing it.
Did your team just get relocated to a worse city? ACCEPTABLE! I don’t recall Browns fans rioting much outside of the stadium during that final home game (although I do remember ripping seats out in an act of Herculean STREMPH). That was a huge mistake. They should have torched that dump of a stadium to get a head start on the parking lot that currently resides there.
Are you a Bills/Cubs/Cleveland fan? UNACCEPTABLE. There may come a day when the fans of these horrible franchises are rewarded for sticking beside their awful teams. I said MAY. If it does happen down the line, your reaction should not be to fuck up the city. It should be complete and utter jubilation. There should not be one violent thought in your body at that moment. You should be hugging, high-fiving, or copping a feel off of everybody you pass. At some point, you need to reflect on those long-suffering fans (or family members) that are not with you anymore who do not get to share in your triumph. But then you need to gather yourself quickly because you are TOTES getting laid that night!
Are you Trey Wingo? KILL YOURSELF.
BONUS: Did your local "global icon" who promised to win you a title leave you high and dry in an embarrassing fashion? ACCEPTABLE. Send the damage bill to that big ass house in Akron. Fuck LeBron.
Is your front office/athletic department completely stupid and continues to shovel shit on you? UNACCEPTABLE. Sorry, bro, but you choo-choo-choose your own teams. Once you made that choice, you’re stuck with them. Although if you have a completely inept owner/AD like, say, a Dan Snyder/Brad Bates, it would be ACCEPTABLE to plant a bomb under the front seat of his Rolls Royce/Dodge Stratus. Rioting is not cool but murder is.
Did your football coach get fired for aiding and abetting a known child molester? UNACCEPTABLE. You don’t get to be mad about this EVER. I don’t care how many libraries he built.
Did said football coach die a few weeks later from a broken heart/cancer? UNACCEPTABLE. You don’t get to be mad about this FOREVER AND EVER. You can be sad that it ended the way that it did, but put down the torch immediately.
Did your football program completely ignore their moral responsibility to handle the teeny, tiny issue of child molestation? ACCEPTABLE! Now pick that torch back up!!! Pretty much everything in your town that was once thought of as a positive provided by that coach was all a goddamn lie because of a decade of pedophilia under his coke bottle glasses. That makes everything fake. That means that you can destroy it without penalty because it was all a sham! You bought into everything that they sold you and it was all a bunch of SHIT. Hell, you should be allowed one free cop killing for that. Just kidding. Please don’t kill a cop. That would not end well for you.
Do you just want to celebrate/vent by destroying public and private property? Do you want to play chicken with law enforcement? UNACCEPTABLE. No matter where you go or who you are with, when a situation starts to become a little tense and there are some officers around, someone will ALWAYS get tough and be all like “FUCK THOSE PIGS”. That usually leads to something stupid all in the name of CALIPARI CUTTIN’ NETS WOOOOOO! Take it from Rodney King and that Trayvon fella: the police have no problems with beating your ass for the smallest of reasons. Hell, they might even kill you. Let the frat boy absorb that beating while you rub his girlfriend’s vagina through her awesome black yoga pants.
Basically, there is a time and a place for everything. Most of the time, sports fans give no fucks about that though and, honestly, if their only choice of actions after a big game is to either light couches on fire and flip cars over or sexually assault the mayor’s daughter then fuck you, John Q. Taxpayer. If you have any other situations that you would like for me to judge, leave them in the comments and I will evaluate them. Judge G$ is ready to rule!